Husband making me feel like a crap mum and wife

[Candlelitdinner]

I am a SAHM of an 18 month old and my husband criticises EVERYTHING I do.

The way I play with our son (not long enough, don't talk to him enough, talk to him the wrong way, don't do the right games with him)
The way I interact with him (he is delayed because I don't interact with/ talk to him enough - I have been trying to socialise our son as much as possible, taking him to the children centre and to the park/softplay everyday, enrolling him in speech classes, following the workers' advice, seen a pediatrist, etc...etc... )
What I cook for him, what time I cook, the portions sizes (I either give him too much or too little according to him), how many meals I give him (I give him three meals and one or two snacks)
How I keep him busy when I'm cooking/cleaning (I shouldn't put cartoons on for him, I should make sure he is with me in the kitchen). I should also never leave him alone, even in safe places, and always be next to him and when he plays, always sit next to him
I shouldn't go on my phone
I should make sure the house is clean earlier
I should make dinner earlier
He criticises me when I tell my son off for something he shouldn't do (I am first, I don't yell at him) or when I swear to myself (not in front of our kid) even when I just say "for God's sake".
He gives me lists of things to do everyday
He asks me to give him a run-through of everything I did with our son at the end of his work day "for his peace of mind"

I often tell him I do my best and I feel he criticises me too much, but he doesn't change anything.
Earlier today I told him I was starting to feel like a shit mum, so he sent me videos of other mums' routine with their toddler and told me to watch them for inspiration and copy them.

He also insinuated he thought I was a rubbish mum once. He said "These past couple of days you've done really good, you've come a long way".

I try my best but I'm pregnant in my second trimester and I feel really tired sometimes and things just take me longer.
I feel like such a shit mum and wife and I cried about it a couple of times.

I don't know what to do. I know I'm not the best mum, but I do try and I know I can't get much better. I feel terrible for my son. I've also started not to enjoy parenting so much.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.
I don't know if he is right or if he is overly critical.
But I tried to improve and I just can't.

Tell him you have booked yourself into a parenting residential course for the weekend. Go to a spa. Leave the kid with him. Have a lovely weekend!!!

this gave me a good laugh!! thank you

This is going to get worse much worse. You need to escape this living hell.

Well he sounds like a shit dad and husband!

What does he do apart from preach about how to be the perfect mother?

By the way you sound like you're doing amazing x

He is the one who is a shit father and a shit husband. How can he say that about you when he can't even manage a bedtime alone?

Go back to work once you've had this baby, get some independence and leave him. He's an arsehole.

Give him an ultimatum.

He's not allowed to criticise or comment on your parenting
Not allowed to give you a list of things to do
Not allowed to ask for a run down of your day

If he can't do that he can fuck off.

'I'm not fucking interested in your opinion.'

Over and over and over again until he shuts the hell up forever.

😂😂😂 This was just pure joy to see! And this should be all you need to keep this controlling, arrogant little prick in line!
But also on a more serious note, he needs to step up his parenting and husband skills. Tell him that you are willing to walk out of the marriage and you will not be micromanaged, especially by a man who couldn't even manage a bedtime. He has exactly zero skin in the parenting game.
Find your fierce and exert it.

You need to arrange to go out for an entire evening so he can learn to cope. Do this at least once a week.

He also needs to do some solo parenting at the weekend.

Stop bailing him out.

And don't accept any of his putdowns. It's disrespectful.

@Candlelitdinner You're an amazing mum!! Sorry but you're husband is a dick!

It is obvious you are a great mum and very involved with your son. What is your husband contributing to family life? His words and 'advice' only bring you down, he couldn't manage a fraction of what you do every day. He is an abusive bully.

You really don't want to raise two children in this situation.

This is abuse, pure and simple.

He is a nasty ugly bully.

You need to look at returning to work asap as you are very vulnerable.

No man who loved and valued you would behave like this.

This is the behaviour of a nasty abusive man that knows you are vulnerable and wants you ground down.

Please contact Women's aid.

Tell family and friends the truth.

Do not get pregnant again and start looking at your options.

Good men do not bully their wives.

Abusive arseholes do.

It's clear who he is.

Don't ignore this, he will destroy you, your child, your mental health.

He sounds pathetic.

Your deeply inadequate husband is deeply, deeply abusive @Candlelitdinner. He’s total cunt. Run.

Some good advice on here OP.

Absolutely make it clear you will not put up with it anymore. Also be clear that you will leave him if he continues and be prepared to do that.

Have a set phrase to say if he forgets now and again and starts. I like the one from PP along the lines of ‘I don’t want your opinion’ repeated each and every time until he shuts up.

Make sure he does more parenting. Maybe he can always do bedtimes. And Saturday mornings.

Also he needs to know that the nearer you are to delivering new baby the more he has to do.

Good luck if you decide to stay.
💐

‘I don’t want your opinion’ repeated each and every time until he shuts up.

I would suggest "I value your opinion but I've got this" as a Iess confrontational and potentially more productive approach.

Or "you clearly know how to deal with this, which is great as I'm knackered "..... as you are handing him the toddler/baby. Or simply "do please show me how" as you sit down on the sofa and watch.

Oh gosh I'm so sorry, I missed you are pregnant again.

Please try and protect yourself.
He is absolutely abusive.

Please tell your family, GP, health visitor.

You are not a shit mother.

Just a poor woman with a vile abusive husband who is a bully and a really shit father.

Please tell your mum the truth about him.

To start with I thought maybe his comments were coming from a place of love for his child and his desperate want for everything to be perfect for them.
I'm very harsh on myself and pretty much all the things you listed are things I'd be repeating to myself this attempt to be the perfect mother.

But that's not life and its not reasonable and its not accurate and its certainly not your fault that you can't live up to this excessively high standard he's setting for you.

This child is yours too and your way of wanting to raise them is equally valid for starters but I don't think he's quite getting how ridiculously impossible his demands sound.

I think I'd be inclined to do a bit of a "Okay, YOU show me!" You need to pull a sicky one weekend and spend 2 days snuggled in bed, let him attempt his list of demands and see how well he can do 😅 with a strapped on pregnancy pillow!

What on earth about this situation has encouraged you to have another DC?
Perhaps consider going back to work for a break after your next bout of mat leave. He can then criticise nursery instead of you and he'd have to do half the housework to satisfaction of yourself - or you can criticise him.

He's an abusive prick.

His behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Do you have support in real life? Anyone you can talk to?

He sounds like a prick tbh. Next time he criticises I’d ask him to show me how to do it then. Also speech classes for an 18 month old?! You need to nip this in the bud now or he’ll end up constantly criticising the children too.

Who made him the God of you? He sounds insufferable. A boring pain in the arse yapping on and on nonsensically. Don't be a doormat OP. He'll kill your self-esteem and ruin your life. Before you know it your children will be old enough to understand what his dad is saying to you. Its a very poor relationship model. You must have the patience of a saint I'd have got rid of him already. A critical tedious judgmental moany voice in my ears all the days and nights? Not allowed. He'd have to go. Marriage isnt supposed to be penance.

I could feel my blood pressure rising reading the OP.
What an awful, truly awful way to live.
This is actually emotional abuse. Textbook.
You can’t stay with this man surely?

This

He sounds an awful husband and father