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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband making me feel like a crap mum and wife

103 replies

Candlelitdinner · 27/11/2023 21:10

I am a SAHM of an 18 month old and my husband criticises EVERYTHING I do.

The way I play with our son (not long enough, don't talk to him enough, talk to him the wrong way, don't do the right games with him)
The way I interact with him (he is delayed because I don't interact with/ talk to him enough - I have been trying to socialise our son as much as possible, taking him to the children centre and to the park/softplay everyday, enrolling him in speech classes, following the workers' advice, seen a pediatrist, etc...etc... )
What I cook for him, what time I cook, the portions sizes (I either give him too much or too little according to him), how many meals I give him (I give him three meals and one or two snacks)
How I keep him busy when I'm cooking/cleaning (I shouldn't put cartoons on for him, I should make sure he is with me in the kitchen). I should also never leave him alone, even in safe places, and always be next to him and when he plays, always sit next to him
I shouldn't go on my phone
I should make sure the house is clean earlier
I should make dinner earlier
He criticises me when I tell my son off for something he shouldn't do (I am first, I don't yell at him) or when I swear to myself (not in front of our kid) even when I just say "for God's sake".
He gives me lists of things to do everyday
He asks me to give him a run-through of everything I did with our son at the end of his work day "for his peace of mind"

I often tell him I do my best and I feel he criticises me too much, but he doesn't change anything.
Earlier today I told him I was starting to feel like a shit mum, so he sent me videos of other mums' routine with their toddler and told me to watch them for inspiration and copy them.

He also insinuated he thought I was a rubbish mum once. He said "These past couple of days you've done really good, you've come a long way".

I try my best but I'm pregnant in my second trimester and I feel really tired sometimes and things just take me longer.
I feel like such a shit mum and wife and I cried about it a couple of times.

I don't know what to do. I know I'm not the best mum, but I do try and I know I can't get much better. I feel terrible for my son. I've also started not to enjoy parenting so much.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.
I don't know if he is right or if he is overly critical.
But I tried to improve and I just can't.

OP posts:
Orio2023 · 27/11/2023 22:10

Why are you putting up with this?

GodDammitCecil · 27/11/2023 22:11

I try my best but I'm pregnant

My heart sank when I read this, but I 100% knew it was coming.

Anyway….

Your husband doesn’t like you.

You, surely, do not like your husband.

It’s a ‘relationship’ in name only.

Now it’s just a matter of how long you continue the facade…..

You can do a million times better than this arsehole.

GoodnightJude1 · 27/11/2023 22:12

You sound like a really wonderful mum OP.

Unfortunately your DH doesn’t sound like a wonderful husband.

If you can, leave. He won’t change.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/11/2023 22:12

Constant criticism is a form of abuse. He is abusing you. You sound like a good mum. How the fuck would he even know what it takes to be a good parent, having done it one day.

You need to make plans to leave. As your kidd grow up he will either criticise them in the same way, or teach them to criticise you in the same way

cestlavielife · 27/11/2023 22:14

the first and only time he took him out by himself was at 16 or 17 months old.

Why?
Why has he never been involved?
So what s the deal?
He may as,well not be around
(Please do not say oh but he loves his kid or he is a great dad....)

Split and force him to have the kids part time
Might be the making of him

anythinginapinch · 27/11/2023 22:14

Oh dear god, wake up. He's a total waste of space as a life partner.

StarDolphins · 27/11/2023 22:15

"These past couple of days you've done really good, you've come a long way".

AND telling you to watch a video of other mum for inspiration? Absolutely no, just NO.

What a horrible cretin he is. I would be telling him to fuck off (& I don’t swear).

What a condescending, horrible piece of work. Please, please leave this man, it will get worse. Or at the very, very least, tell him it all stops immediately or you’re leaving.

Nicole1111 · 27/11/2023 22:15

This is beyond him being an asshole this is him being domestically abusive. It’s very common for domestic abuse to begin or increase when a woman falls pregnant. His controlling behaviour is very unlikely to change for the better, in fact it’s more than likely going to get worse.

Husband making me feel like a crap mum and wife
RudsyFarmer · 27/11/2023 22:17

Fuck that shit. Go find a job and let him stay at home. My guess is he’d last a week.

Quitelikeit · 27/11/2023 22:18

This man is highly abusive and controlling.

What are his good points? Do you have access to money?

What is his father like?

You will continue to collapse mentally I’m afraid and I fear for you once you have your second child.

Clearly you are afraid of this man since you have not challenged his opinions

Get out before your children grow into abusers just like their father if you don’t break the cycle he is their role model

Saggypants · 27/11/2023 22:20

Is there a reason why you haven't snapped back at him and told him to fuck off and do a better job himself, or even calmly sat him down to tell him this behaviour needs to stop?

Are you afraid of his response? What do you think would happen?

Original poster
Candlelitdinner · 27/11/2023 22:22

Saggypants · 27/11/2023 22:20

Is there a reason why you haven't snapped back at him and told him to fuck off and do a better job himself, or even calmly sat him down to tell him this behaviour needs to stop?

Are you afraid of his response? What do you think would happen?

I have, we have had that conversation several times, including this morning, he says he understand but keeps doing the same thing

OP posts:
zeibesaffron · 27/11/2023 22:25

Please, please listen to this advice- please do not be that person who thinks this is ok.

Your husband is a fucking prick - how dare he, he hasn’t even looked after you DC properly by himself! This will get worse - leave now - before it escalates because it will!!

fluffiphlox · 27/11/2023 22:29

Well I don’t know why you decided to have a second child with this git. Leave him. I don’t say that lightly.

PelicanPopcorn · 27/11/2023 22:35

You sound like a truly amazing mum, I have a similar aged baby and trust me what you're doing is fantastic. Especially as you're pregnant! I don't know how you're carrying on.
Your partner is wrong about everything and it's not okay. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It's not right. Wish I could make you a cup of tea. Are there people you can reach out to friends/family? I know having a baby can be quite isolating xxx

Renamed · 27/11/2023 22:37

Hellfire. He’s not your manager, he’s supposed to be your PARTNER. Suppose you did this to him - that doesn’t look like a very nutritious breakfast, that tie will definitely give the wrong impression, have you vacuumed the car? Let me see the slides for your meeting I expect they could be clearer. You haven’t given yourself long enough to prepare for this meeting. Have you even read the documents? Look at these inspirational videos. Etc etc

And I have drawn all these examples from his potential working day because nowhere in your OP is it indicated that he has any input at all in caring for your child or your household generally.

LeavesOnTrees · 27/11/2023 22:38

You can't carry on with him like this. There is no way when you have a new born and a toddler you'll be able to keep up his standards.

You really need help in real life to get away from this man.

Original poster
Candlelitdinner · 27/11/2023 22:42

Thank you all for your replies.
I followed some of your advice and left him to do the night routine.
The baby kept getting out of bed and husband told our toddler off, started crying, telling me he's too stressed and begging me to take over.

I hope it gives him some perspective

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 27/11/2023 22:43

Perhaps you need to book a three day weekend away without your child. He can look after your toddler. He would, of course, require a list to ensure he has done everything you would normally do.

The twat

Lala87 · 27/11/2023 22:47

HaveNoIdeaForAName · 27/11/2023 21:15

He’s a cunt.

This

Theresit · 27/11/2023 22:48

At this point I’d be telling him to crack on, since he always knows how to do things better than you.

Vinrouge4 · 27/11/2023 22:50

Stop walking on egg shells and start fighting back.

DangerFrog · 27/11/2023 22:52

Candlelitdinner · 27/11/2023 22:42

Thank you all for your replies.
I followed some of your advice and left him to do the night routine.
The baby kept getting out of bed and husband told our toddler off, started crying, telling me he's too stressed and begging me to take over.

I hope it gives him some perspective

Edited

So glad to read this. Please keep it up - make your 'D'H take more responsibility. If it helps him keep his mouth shut in future, great. If not, you need to get hard.

I was a SAHM for nearly 6 years; DH didn't criticise me once, even when the house was a mess, dinner wasn't ready when he got home and the kids were sitting in front of the TV. He recognised that he couldn't do his job without me being at home. He was more than capable of looking after all our kids and often did - including encouraging me to take off for weekends with friends.

Good luck.

jelliestfish · 27/11/2023 22:53

Candlelitdinner · 27/11/2023 22:42

Thank you all for your replies.
I followed some of your advice and left him to do the night routine.
The baby kept getting out of bed and husband told our toddler off, started crying, telling me he's too stressed and begging me to take over.

I hope it gives him some perspective

Edited

An abusive man won't stop being abusive because he's gained some perspective from parenting for a couple of hours.

You and your children deserve to exist without constant pressure to perform, act and achieve perfection. He will not get better, especially without significant professional help. You need to put yourself and your children first and get away from him.

Goingsunny · 27/11/2023 22:53

I can't believe what I'm reading. If this is real, I think you need to leave. I'm amazed you put up with this. You don't need to.

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