Husband making me feel like a crap mum and wife

[Candlelitdinner]

I am a SAHM of an 18 month old and my husband criticises EVERYTHING I do.

The way I play with our son (not long enough, don't talk to him enough, talk to him the wrong way, don't do the right games with him)
The way I interact with him (he is delayed because I don't interact with/ talk to him enough - I have been trying to socialise our son as much as possible, taking him to the children centre and to the park/softplay everyday, enrolling him in speech classes, following the workers' advice, seen a pediatrist, etc...etc... )
What I cook for him, what time I cook, the portions sizes (I either give him too much or too little according to him), how many meals I give him (I give him three meals and one or two snacks)
How I keep him busy when I'm cooking/cleaning (I shouldn't put cartoons on for him, I should make sure he is with me in the kitchen). I should also never leave him alone, even in safe places, and always be next to him and when he plays, always sit next to him
I shouldn't go on my phone
I should make sure the house is clean earlier
I should make dinner earlier
He criticises me when I tell my son off for something he shouldn't do (I am first, I don't yell at him) or when I swear to myself (not in front of our kid) even when I just say "for God's sake".
He gives me lists of things to do everyday
He asks me to give him a run-through of everything I did with our son at the end of his work day "for his peace of mind"

I often tell him I do my best and I feel he criticises me too much, but he doesn't change anything.
Earlier today I told him I was starting to feel like a shit mum, so he sent me videos of other mums' routine with their toddler and told me to watch them for inspiration and copy them.

He also insinuated he thought I was a rubbish mum once. He said "These past couple of days you've done really good, you've come a long way".

I try my best but I'm pregnant in my second trimester and I feel really tired sometimes and things just take me longer.
I feel like such a shit mum and wife and I cried about it a couple of times.

I don't know what to do. I know I'm not the best mum, but I do try and I know I can't get much better. I feel terrible for my son. I've also started not to enjoy parenting so much.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.
I don't know if he is right or if he is overly critical.
But I tried to improve and I just can't.

Why are you having another kid with this man? Why would you do that?

I think after this experience you should sit him down and make it clear that any time he feels inclined to criticize you again, he can do it himself instead. Because if he criticizes you, you will stop what you’re doing and leave him to care for one or both kids for the rest of the evening, since he seems to think he’s so much more capable of doing it “right” than you.

Follow-through is essential.

He's not your manager. I would give him two options - back right off or do it yourself.

His 'peace of mind' comes from trusting you as a responsible adult who wants the best for your son. I'd tell him that you are not a project or a resource for him to manage and you don't want 'performance feedback' on your parenting from him.

If he finds any great ideas on routines/activities, he can try them out with your son at the weekend while you have a rest. But you will do things your way.

This may just be a deeply irritating habit he has fallen into, or it may be that he suffers from anxiety more generally, but you are an autonomous human being not his skivvy or paid employee. It may also be something more serious (belittling you/abuse/controlling behaviour) so I'd definitely keep an eye out.

He gives you lists of things to do each day😳……why on earth are you taking all this, next time one of his ‘lists’ appears, rip the dam thing up in front of him, give it back to him and say, shove this where the sun don’t shine.
I’ve never heard the like! What an obnoxious controlling cretin.

This is clearly something he can snap out of and you need to think long and hard about what long term effects him projecting his insecurities will do to you. You are an adult and this is how it makes you feel, imagine what damage your decision to stay with a man such ad your H could do to your child. It’s ultimatum time, he sorts his shit out or he fucks off. His behaviour is disgusting and there is no excuse, funny you are ok to take over when he can’t hack it, fucking hypocrite.

Next time he gives you a list, give it back to him and tell him you're an adult and perfectly capable of deciding what does and doesn't need doing in the house .if there is anything he needs specifically doing, like posting a parcel or getting something from the shop, he can ask you nicely with a please and thank you.

If he questions your parenting again, inform him that, as he well knows now, it's not a one size fits all, the baby is warm, safe, fed and loved and you will parent him/her as you see fit.

Find your voice, you're a grown arse woman who grew a baby and you're doing a great job. He's not the boss and doesn't have the right to boss you around and set you tasks like one of his minions

Is he for real? Your husband sounds like some nightmare written by Charles Dickens!

no, I am so so sorry, but also NO, you are not a rubbish ANYthing. He’s the absolute rubbish. He’s being a terrible husband, and a terrible father.
he’s abusive, and a bad example. He’s wearing down your self esteem and your health, when he should be supporting you.

he needs to be given an ultimatum. He needs to stop.

This man has done a number on you!
are you in the UK ?

Start scoring his husbandry and parenting.

He's clearly projecting his frustration of not being able to do what you do, because he knows it's his responsibility, on to you.

Super cunt.

Sad you have a baby with this abusive cunt

Fucking hell. He sounds more like a parenting critic than a parent.

This might be the drip-drip start of emotional and financial abuse OP - it starts like this, and builds to telling you you're a bad mum, you'd never hold down a job, no one else would like you, you don't have any friends, everything you do is wrong and he's the only one who will take pity on you. And no, you don't get to go out alone or have any money of your own. Because little wifey at home entirely under their control gives some pathetic men a power kick. They want you to feel absolutely worthless and dependent so you'll be under their control.

Apply some boundaries (how did the list of tasks ever get anything other than a 'fuck off'?), require him to do some solo parenting, you'll soon work out whether you should leg it or not.

And by the way, this doesn't only hurt you - your child is absorbing how you relate to each other as a model for how adult relationships work. It is harmful for your child for one parent to be hypercritical of the other.

Get out now. It'll only get worse once you have the second baby.

Oh and in the mean time, the next time he hands you a list of things to do: tell him to shove it where the sun don't shine.

How come he’s such an expert? As others have said let him take full responsibility and see how he gets on. You sound like you are doing a great job. Just need to believe in yourself.

He's hugely controlling and is a type of domestic abuse.

Is he also financially controlling? Do you have access to funds or only through him? do you have to justify everything you spend? Do you have visibility of family finances?

As he doesn't do anything with the baby, I assume that you have been stuck at home with your child non stop for 19 months? Do you get time out or alone? Time with friends or family?

I am very very worried about you. this is very unhealthy and frankly very concerning.

Suggest you swap roles or share them. simple

curious , what is the reasoning behind asking if they are in the UK?
just curious

Being a parent is hard enough without this control and abuse.
You need to speak to someone as soon as possible.

He is abusive. Selfish. Arrogant. Uncaring. Bullying. You really, truly, should leave him, for your children's sake as well as your own.

But if you don't feel ready for that yet, or if it's going to take a while to organise, there are changes you can make in the meantime. In fact, you've already started (well done!)

If he gives you a list, hand it back to him, tell him he isn't your boss and you can write your own 'to do' list.

If he gives you an instruction - tell him you can run your own life thank you.

If he tells you how to look after DC, tell him that you are far, far mpre experienced and proficient than him (as borne out in his rare attempt at parenting) and you won't be taking any advice from someone who knows nothing about being a parent, and can't cope even for to do one bedtime.

If he gives you feedback about your housework, tell him you don't need or appreciate his opinions. You're perfectly able to manage your own workload and to decide what needs doing and how well you're going to do it.

Start standing up for yourself. He isn't your boss. He isn't your parent and you aren't a child. He isn't better than you or superior to you. He knows LESS about keeping and house and parenting than you know. You are much better placed to know what's right for your home and children.

He is just a bully and your life would be so much more peaceful, happier and easier without him in it.

He is an abuser. You won't see it until you dissappear enough in your own head. He will then claim mental health on you and use the kids as weapons. Get out do not wait over a decade - from the woman who could have wrote this 15 years ago and wishes I had ran

I hope you're not doing all the cooking,cleaning and childcare.

It's not 1930 you know.

And he isn't your third baby. He's a full grown man. Tell him he needs to step up or sod off. To do HIS SHARE in the home.

Quite frankly, he sounds like an abusive shit tbf so I'd be inclined to separate from him either way.

But don't have any more kids wioth him after this..

You are so much greater as a woman without him. You do not need to put up with this abuse.

I really feel for you as your your doing your best and he is just horrible :(

@Imperfectp3rf3ction has said what I came to say.

The change to my mind and general health have greatly improved since going it alone. The children are happier and more relaxed too.