Seeing someone who won't sleep with me until he's corrected his flaws?

[Tryingtodate]

I have no idea how to word that title. Seeing a guy who I genuinely really, really like. I've been friends with him for about 2 years now and I'd say getting more intimate for the last couple of months and then we were having a discussion where he said he wants to be honest with me because he understands if I want to put an end to it or that I can't cope with such situation and he would completely understand etc etc. (as I feel we are definitely leading to being more intimate, right now we have only really done massages and kisses) anyway... he had an accident where his genitals were damaged and he's having some type of reconstructive surgery taking place in April. We have obviously discussed what this means for him and the future on intimacy and he has said it's fully functioning (he's had a previous surgery on it already) and there's no issues with that side and it's simply now a case of having this surgery to improve the whole look of the area. I literally am not sure what to imagine or how to describe it as that's all the info I really know, he's just saying there's some visual issues in the surrounding area, including groin and thigh and it's all just being made to improve the appearance.

Part of me is sad he doesn't feel like he can show that to me and I wouldn't judge but then I also understand I'm the first person he has even considered being with in the last 5 years since the accident happened so I get it's a very big deal to him. The issue is, we can't really be intimate at all apart from cuddling/kissing/touching of areas that are not genitals, he has said he's happy to give, especially with oral/toys but I personally would feel extremely uncomfortable if he's not really able to engage properly so I think I'd rather just wait until after this.

I guess I'm not sure if it's normal to wait on something like that? I think because this isn't a seeking out situation through online dating and it simply happened by chance and our friendship growing, it feels worth waiting for as my bond with him is so much more than sexual gratification especially as we enjoy the touching and cuddling/kissing part a lot too. However sex and confidence is important to me and what if he has that and still isn't happy?

I know only I can decide but I am curious if people here would be happy to wait? Especially as I am enjoying what we have and appreciate his honesty even if I wish he didn't feel that way

If you’ve known him for two years is the accident genuinely what happened? It sounds a bit odd, but yeah I guess I’d wait… though tbh that area isn’t exactly stunning anyway so not sure I’d be waiting for the grand reveal of a “nice” set of genitals…

I'd wait too.

@fourelementary he was in a bad accident where I knew of issues to his back (this is healed now) but obviously never knew of the issues to his genitals/groin area, which fair enough, I suppose he didn't exactly need to share that with even his friends. I'm really not bothered about the look I like him for him! He's just the one that's seemingly so insecure of it and wants to wait because he will feel a lot more confident

I'd wait, but not forever. It's already been 5 years - when is the surgery happening?

@itsmyp4rty April is the surgery, he has an actual date for it. He had surgery on his back at the time (which I knew about) and also a surgery surrounding function on the genitals/bladder? Or something near there (didn't know about until we are obviously now seeing each other) and then only now is the surgery thats just for reconstructive/visual reasons happening

You say you like him but if you can't wait until April for sex, you're entitled to feel that way and walk away. How long will he need to recover after the surgery?

If you see a long term future together then a few months celibacy is nothing really

Can you ask him how he'd feel about getting intimate in complete darkness?

Is he saying they are doing back surgery and reconstructing his genitals in the same operation?

I would wait. This man could end up being the love of your life.

I'm not sure how to put this...

Are you sure he has always had the same aligned sex and gender identity? Could he be a transman who is getting a phalloplasty?

I know it's a stretch of the imagination but it's one possibility...

I was thinking Trans man, waiting for surgery for a phallopllasty.

She/he needs to have an honest conversation with you about the surgery, and any wider issues involved

Yes I was wondering too if he is definitely a man.

I would wait

🤔

How long have you known him? Since before or after the accident? Sounds OK to me tbh.
Surely op would already know if a transman but maybe not if taken lots of testosterone etc.

If it's fully functional why could you not just do stuff in the dark? I mean I get being bashful about about unusual body features (I have a weirdly shaped leg after an accident). Tbh though most blokes didn't mention it if they noticed (polite).

I'd be slightly wary.

If the relationship is strictly physical (assuming so because that's all you mentioned) and you're not wanting to look elsewhere, either you can persuade him to give you a chance, since you're not turned off by it (this would be more likely if it was more than just physical), or you wait quite awhile- I don't think you're taking the healing process into consideration. That area is extra painful and swollen for a long time after. You might want to ask him about that since he's had a surgery there before. I've heard from someone getting reconstructive surgery and it's quite a process. I think it would be strange to wait if you don't have a real relationship (love, commitment, shared interests, etc) outside of sex.

Fishy story. 😬

My first thought was transman too.

It's up to you if you are happy to wait a man who gives massages and has good intimacy without sec would be worth it in my book.

But equally I'd tell him you are not with him because of how his genitals look and suggest sex in the dark.

I think it's a bit of a weak excuse to wait tbh. I get that he's clearly very self conscious about the way things look down there but if it functions then that should be the overriding factor. Tell him you don't care what it looks like and suggest starting in complete darkness - that should mask most of the issue he has about appearance. There's lots of love making positions where you aren't going to see his tackle even with the lights on (think pretty much any way from behind).

And since he's offering to give you pleasure in other ways, don't feel guilty about taking him up on that. There's every chance that progressing things that way will give him a bit more reassurance to bring his own genitals into the mix (heat of the moment and all that).

I think there's a good chance that he'll still have significant self confidence issues after the next lot of surgery, or will come up with another excuse. I know he's told you it's fully functioning but I'd be suspicious that he might not be being the complete truth there. If his genitals were so badly injured that he's needed all this surgery then it's a miracle everything is all still fully functional. And also a slim chance that this next surgery may cause an issue, even if it is supposed to be cosmetic. You'd both be kicking yourselves if you wait til after the surgery and then the function is lost.

I would never pressure someone to tell me something they don't want to, but I also wouldn't be with someone who felt they had to have a shroud of secrecy over something that prevented intimacy.

I would just see them as not the right person.

I'm in team "move on".

I wouldn’t believe him

Can't you just do it with the lights off?

This is a strange thread

I'm thinking trans.