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Original poster

Seeing someone who won't sleep with me until he's corrected his flaws?

82 replies

Tryingtodate · 27/11/2023 17:01

I have no idea how to word that title. Seeing a guy who I genuinely really, really like. I've been friends with him for about 2 years now and I'd say getting more intimate for the last couple of months and then we were having a discussion where he said he wants to be honest with me because he understands if I want to put an end to it or that I can't cope with such situation and he would completely understand etc etc. (as I feel we are definitely leading to being more intimate, right now we have only really done massages and kisses) anyway... he had an accident where his genitals were damaged and he's having some type of reconstructive surgery taking place in April. We have obviously discussed what this means for him and the future on intimacy and he has said it's fully functioning (he's had a previous surgery on it already) and there's no issues with that side and it's simply now a case of having this surgery to improve the whole look of the area. I literally am not sure what to imagine or how to describe it as that's all the info I really know, he's just saying there's some visual issues in the surrounding area, including groin and thigh and it's all just being made to improve the appearance.

Part of me is sad he doesn't feel like he can show that to me and I wouldn't judge but then I also understand I'm the first person he has even considered being with in the last 5 years since the accident happened so I get it's a very big deal to him. The issue is, we can't really be intimate at all apart from cuddling/kissing/touching of areas that are not genitals, he has said he's happy to give, especially with oral/toys but I personally would feel extremely uncomfortable if he's not really able to engage properly so I think I'd rather just wait until after this.

I guess I'm not sure if it's normal to wait on something like that? I think because this isn't a seeking out situation through online dating and it simply happened by chance and our friendship growing, it feels worth waiting for as my bond with him is so much more than sexual gratification especially as we enjoy the touching and cuddling/kissing part a lot too. However sex and confidence is important to me and what if he has that and still isn't happy?

I know only I can decide but I am curious if people here would be happy to wait? Especially as I am enjoying what we have and appreciate his honesty even if I wish he didn't feel that way

OP posts:
strawberrysea · 28/11/2023 06:48

Something is off about this (not your post OP, the situation).

When a man is sexually attracted to a woman and the attraction is mutual there's not much, if anything, that will stop him having sex with her or at least doing other sex acts if penetration isn't an option.

I appreciate that you might not want to share this but has he offered to 'do anything' for you? Surely his bashfulness doesn't extend to pleasuring you?

The whole thing seems really off to me so I'd just tread carefully.

FWIW I probably wouldn't wait around that long if we weren't already an established couple but that's just me.

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/11/2023 06:51

I just can't see that they would do an operation on your back at the same time as an operation on your genitals. It doesn't make any sense because it would involve two different surgeons, surely? Also, in terms of pain, you wouldn't be able to lie on your back or your friends. All the surgeons really going to cut him open at the back and operate and then rest him on his back to operate on his genitals? I doubt that very much.

Nowanextraone · 28/11/2023 07:17

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/11/2023 06:51

I just can't see that they would do an operation on your back at the same time as an operation on your genitals. It doesn't make any sense because it would involve two different surgeons, surely? Also, in terms of pain, you wouldn't be able to lie on your back or your friends. All the surgeons really going to cut him open at the back and operate and then rest him on his back to operate on his genitals? I doubt that very much.

This!
There is something VERY fishy about the story you've been told OP.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/11/2023 07:26

My ex had a penis fracture while we were having sec and needed emergency surgery. The foreskin area looked a bit messy after (as the surgery meant to he foreskin sort of half self circumcised) and they said he could have another op yo tidy that up but once the fracture was healed we could have sex fine (if carefully). I was thinking of him while reading this. However if it was something like this why be mysterious?

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 28/11/2023 07:33

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/11/2023 06:51

I just can't see that they would do an operation on your back at the same time as an operation on your genitals. It doesn't make any sense because it would involve two different surgeons, surely? Also, in terms of pain, you wouldn't be able to lie on your back or your friends. All the surgeons really going to cut him open at the back and operate and then rest him on his back to operate on his genitals? I doubt that very much.

I think he had an operation on his back, and then a different genital function operation, and in April he’s having reconstructive surgery, three separate ones.

@Nowanextraone

EarringsandLipstick · 28/11/2023 07:34

The gullibility of some posters - and sorry, OP, too.
Regardless of the true story, the whole situation is implausible.

What 'accident' could he have had that requires this kind of intervention, taking this amount of time, precluding intimacy?

Please don't get further involved OP - there's no reason for this that is going to be good in terms of a relationship.

yellowsmileyface · 28/11/2023 07:41

The whole situation is very weird. I don't think I'd want to wait around until April, and spend all that time building emotional intimacy with someone who seems to be making excuses.

I don't agree with some posters' theories that he's a transmen. As far as I'm aware, bottom surgery for trans men doesn't result in a functioning penis. It's purely aesthetic. So a trans man would have to be honest with his partner regardless of which surgeries he's had. And on top of that the various top surgery scars and arm scars that result from bottom surgery, there'd be no way for a trans man to hide his trans status.

fruitbrewhaha · 28/11/2023 07:46

Very odd. My first thought was trans man too. And no, you wouldn’t perform surgery on back and genitals at the same time.

hattie43 · 28/11/2023 07:49

Sex change ?

Hamserfan · 28/11/2023 07:57

Agree sounds very odd. There have been cases of “sex by deception” where women have convinced straight female partners that they were men in order to make them agree to sexual contact. That is where my mind went first. Can you ever feel his erection when you are kissing - if all is present and functional (but not that pretty) then surely that would be present. Are there scars consistent with breast tissue removal or have you not been allowed to look at or touch his chest either.

Is the hospital where he has his April appointment one that has plastic surgery as well as urology? Depends on the procedure which speciality it would fall under. I work in theatres and no one in our hospital gets their surgery date more than six weeks in advance so I would also be suspicious of the April date to be honest.

LambriniBobinIsleworth · 28/11/2023 08:11

I had a boyfriend who'd had surgery on his groin for something to do with ... something. I honestly can't even remember but he apparently had scars on one testicle and his thigh. Anyway, he told me to "prepare" me and to this day I don't know what I want meant to be seeing. We were together five years and I never did get a handle on it... was there a bit of a scar? Maybe. But if he had never told me I would have thought that was just how it was.

My point is, men are weird about their own knobs but they look much the same to us, I think.

Teaandtoast12 · 28/11/2023 08:21

I’ve seen lots of comments suggesting he is trans, OP have you seen childhood photos/know people that would have known him then?
No real advice, think both your feelings are valid and you just need to discuss them together

wited · 28/11/2023 08:30

I wouldn't believe that for a second.

localnotail · 28/11/2023 08:38

I would add my voice to the people saying that this is very, VERY strange and that I think he is lying to you. I cant imagine a man not having at least some sort of intimacy with a woman he likes - even if his bits look a mess. Either he has a serious physical issue - some kind of deformity he is trying to fix - and I mean serious, like to the point where he cant be intimate with a woman - or, as some people on here suggested, he is trans. He clearly has some kind of erectile/ sexual disfunction he doesn't want to reveal, and the accident/ surgery is just an excuse. I suspect he is never going to be a sexual partner for you, OP.

RockGirl · 28/11/2023 09:21

If the issue is aesthetic, would he not be willing to do it in the dark?

Draculaswetdream · 28/11/2023 09:54

I've known my DH since we were kids and we've been together since we were 12. When we were 15 we wanted to have sex but he kept giving reasons not to and I got very upset. It turned out his foreskin was too tight and was pulling his penis into a weird 'tap' shape. I didn't learn this for another 2 years. He didn't want to have sex until he'd had it corrected. When he was 18 he had surgery to correct it and it took nearly 2 years to heal. He was very self conscious about it for a good while after that.

Can we please not dismiss this man's insecurities or accuse him of all sorts just because he's not wanting to have sex? Absolutely no one should have sex if they feel uncomfortable regardless of the reason behind it. Of course OP you are very much entitled to leave the relationship if the lack of sex is a problem for you, but if you really enjoy this man's company, he's a good person and you genuinely get along then I'd be weighing that up and deciding in the same way you would for any other issue in a relationship: does the good outweigh the bad, and is the bad likely to change?

schmuzz · 28/11/2023 09:56

I can see others were thinking trans man but I was thinking micro peen

Aquamarine1029 · 28/11/2023 09:59

Sorry, op. I was immediately very, very suspicious of this story he's feeding you, and I can see that several other posters are as well.

Something isn't right here.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/11/2023 10:00

schmuzz · 28/11/2023 09:56

I can see others were thinking trans man but I was thinking micro peen

My first thought as well. Then possible trans.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 28/11/2023 10:00

Are you sure it works .
Has there been any signs of it working , that you have picked up on or managed to “feel”. ?
I think this would be my concern .

BitOutOfPractice · 28/11/2023 10:01

I agree this sounds fishy. I immediately thought penis enlargement.

who has a date for an operation 6 months in advance?

Comedycook · 28/11/2023 10:05

he has said it's fully functioning (he's had a previous surgery on it already) and there's no issues with that side

Sorry to sound sceptical but my first thought on reading this is that he's not telling the truth here. I suspect he is not functioning and that is actually what's holding him back. Obviously I could be wrong.

Loonylooops · 28/11/2023 10:08

I agree I think you need to talk to him a bit more about this. My first instinct was trans which is no issue but you have to be fully informed. This is no way to start a relationship. You need honesty.

Loonylooops · 28/11/2023 10:10

Also I agree with the post that is asking have you 'felt' it. If he's fully functioning and you guys are kissing etc with clothes on then I would expect you to be able to feel an erection thorough clothes. If you can't he's either not fully functioning or it potentially isn't a fully male anatomy. Either way more honesty is needed. Good luck!

SamW98 · 28/11/2023 10:11

I dated someone briefly who because of previous surgery was no longer able to get a spontaneous erection and had to use a pump.

There was a possibility of surgery which may have helped but no guarantee.

It was a very difficult thing to tell me - and any other woman he dates - and ultimately I made the decision it wouldn’t work for me which was a real shame as we did click.

I wonder if your situation is a similar scenario OP.

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