Seeing someone who won't sleep with me until he's corrected his flaws?

[Tryingtodate]

I have no idea how to word that title. Seeing a guy who I genuinely really, really like. I've been friends with him for about 2 years now and I'd say getting more intimate for the last couple of months and then we were having a discussion where he said he wants to be honest with me because he understands if I want to put an end to it or that I can't cope with such situation and he would completely understand etc etc. (as I feel we are definitely leading to being more intimate, right now we have only really done massages and kisses) anyway... he had an accident where his genitals were damaged and he's having some type of reconstructive surgery taking place in April. We have obviously discussed what this means for him and the future on intimacy and he has said it's fully functioning (he's had a previous surgery on it already) and there's no issues with that side and it's simply now a case of having this surgery to improve the whole look of the area. I literally am not sure what to imagine or how to describe it as that's all the info I really know, he's just saying there's some visual issues in the surrounding area, including groin and thigh and it's all just being made to improve the appearance.

Part of me is sad he doesn't feel like he can show that to me and I wouldn't judge but then I also understand I'm the first person he has even considered being with in the last 5 years since the accident happened so I get it's a very big deal to him. The issue is, we can't really be intimate at all apart from cuddling/kissing/touching of areas that are not genitals, he has said he's happy to give, especially with oral/toys but I personally would feel extremely uncomfortable if he's not really able to engage properly so I think I'd rather just wait until after this.

I guess I'm not sure if it's normal to wait on something like that? I think because this isn't a seeking out situation through online dating and it simply happened by chance and our friendship growing, it feels worth waiting for as my bond with him is so much more than sexual gratification especially as we enjoy the touching and cuddling/kissing part a lot too. However sex and confidence is important to me and what if he has that and still isn't happy?

I know only I can decide but I am curious if people here would be happy to wait? Especially as I am enjoying what we have and appreciate his honesty even if I wish he didn't feel that way

First thing that came to my mind also.....

Oh give over, I'm sure the OP would know if this man were a woman. Isn't it MN credo that "we can always tell"?

There would be mastectomy scars, and a whole host of other signs. If he has skin missing from his thighs or arms that would be a give away too.

It does seem weird that the surgery is so long after the fact, but not beyond the realms of possibility if there's a waiting list and the rest of him needs healing first.

I'd suggest doing something in the dark (or blindfolded!) and then wait.

The comments dismissing his insecurities are a bit gross imo. No one should feel pressured to have sex if they aren’t fully comfortable, which it’s obvious he isn’t. I’d wait, personally- it sounds like you have a lovely connection!

No one saying anything bad about the guy, just that its obvious that he is lying and that his issue is quite serious, to the point where he can't / would not have sex for 5 years. Or maybe he cant have sex at all, or doesn't want to, who knows? He is not a teenager, he's an adult and his wants, needs and habits would be set at this stage. I just think it is unlikely to improve to the extent where he could have a normal healthy sex life.

What I would say - sexless relationships are fine as long as its mutually agreed, and some people would be happy in this situation - but he needs to be honest and OP also would need to be honest with herself - if she stays with him it may well be there will be no shagging, not everyone would subscribe to that.

I think the trans thing is unlikely given the op has known him for years..

What I am leaning towards is that he's not fully functioning. I think the next op is perhaps to work on that...he's hoping then everything will be fine but isn't sure so is fobbing the op off and hoping the next op will work.

It doesn't quite add up and I would think about only continuing the relationship if you are happy having no sex life going forward.
By the time you get to know more it could be very much harder to walk away.

I agree with others, if you've told him his appearance isn't important to you but it's still important to him, why doesn't he just insist on the lights off for now? I'd be wondering about this one

I wonder if this is what he is banking on - that OP will get too attached so when she understands there is going to be no sex she will be too invested/ too in love to leave.

Also, I cant understand why she cant have a feel through the pants etc? I cant imagine a cosmetic issue (scars, foreskin etc) that will be so obvious that you could feel it through the clothes. Maybe he has a micropenis?

It's a common theme, waiting until it's harder to walk away before unveiling any sort of information that could be a deal breaker.

It's a major red flag too.

I thought exactly the same!!

Firstly, Respect his wishes..

He's an insecure man with little confidence. Even after surgery it is very likely that he will still be insecure..perhaps he will always be unhappy about it.

He will always think about its appearance and whether it's adequate, and pleasurable for any women.

I believe his insecurities and lack of confidence will increase after the surgery.

Even if you two have sex, it probably will be fleeting and inconsistent. He may not be able to perform.

He will start wondering if you are seeking pleasure from other men, he may also think that you perhaps would be lying about being satisfied.

His lack of confidence, perhaps lack of trust, and his insecurities are already a turn off to you. .seemingly could be a deal breaker for you.

Your expectations are too high. He's not going to turn into your ideal confident and secure man.. Even if he did, it will happen slowly and gradually.

What happens after the surgery and recovery, and he still refuses to be intimate with you??

Are you willing to remain sexually unsatisfied for him??

If you can't wait, seek others. Tbh..I feel like you should end things now...and also the both of you should stop being physically intimate.

He needs to be in therapy.

This is disgusting.

No means no.

Regardless of gender, no means no. Men can say no too. A woman isn't entitled to physically intimacy from a man, nor touching/groping him without his consent.

No one should be forced, or pressured into sex.

Men have the right to say no to sex also.

I'm not understanding the automatic assumptions or thoughts about him transitioning just because he said no sex until surgery because of his insecurities.

Men are people, and people have insecurities, and issues with confidence.

He has given op an explanation. Maybe it is the truth. Perhaps he is being dishonest..

Perhaps he's insecure about the size. . Perhaps the surgery is enlargement surgery? ? Perhaps he can't perform or has Ed?

Perhaps he is sick, has to have something removed??

My first thought was trans too.

Or that there could be some dysfunction and he's hoping you'll get too into him to leave when it's discovered.

I'd like to say there's no harm in staying if you really like him. But thinking on it...wouldn't it be awful to have to leave someone because their willy isn't working!

Would this be a burn? It wouldn’t just be a the look then but also the feel.

I wouldn’t have a problem waiting for sex for someone I liked. I would feel uncomfortable that he isn’t being transparent with you. Could you say to him you don’t mind the physical aspect of waiting but you are finding it difficult that he isn’t being open and you want to understand more about what is going with him?

Sorry, I'm another one on Team Fishy.

As a betting woman, I'd put money on the April surgery being 'not successful' or 'affecting previous functionality' and the refusal for intimacy to continue. By then, of course, OP is a further six months into falling for him.

Others have suggested workarounds - sex in the dark, confirming there is an erection through clothing etc. These are simple and practical steps to reassure oneself of functionality.

Also, again sorry but, I'd need to see some evidence of him being a him - childhood pictures, meet with family/friends who knew him prior to the accident etc. - before I'd continue in this relationship.

Of course, all of the above is dependent on the OP not being comfortable in a relationship with a transman.

If OP is comfortable with that then there needs to be an open discussion around that but if that's the case i.e. transman then the initial lack of transparency would be a massive issue for me.

You haven't really known him long at all 2 years? I know what it sounds like and not an accident...sounds all fishy to me

Sorry another not quite sure about this one.

I'd proceed with caution (if at all).

I thought trans man too.
He is entitled to want to delay sex but I personally wouldn't be interested, too much baggage and strangeness. To delay sex for a cosmetic reason sounds too insecure for me and the sex will be bad because he is too insecure, i will end up reassuring him and bolstering up his confidence like a life coach. I just want someone ready and body confident. Ive dated a guy who was a little bit overweight, maybe 15 kilos/2st overweight and it was a turn off how self conscious he got eating in public, wearing a vest when swimming... you dont have to be perfect physically, its the lack of confidence and insecurity. I would wait fot moral or religious or health reasons but wait due to lack of body confidence and cosmetic surgery? Nope.

Another thing is that i have seen people get more promiscuous after cosmetic surgery, making up for lost times. He will be liberated and feeling much better he might not want to 'settle' and to explore with othee people now he has more body confidence.

Another one saying it sounds odd.
It's unlikely the NHS would be providing surgery to improve the look...that would be cosmetic reason and that's not funded.
He said he had surgery on his bladder/ groin...I'd be thinking he has a urostomy stoma/bag. That he's embarrassed about and the surgery is reversal of that.
If he has fully functioning penis there is no way NHS would be providing surgery. Unless he has some very bad deformity...but the things that would get you surgery...such as peryonies disease would be causing symptoms.
If you really like this man, I'd be honest and say that transparency and honesty in a relationship is vital to you , and you want to support him in this situation but you want to know more. Ask him directly what is the operation, where is it happening and what kind of surgeon is doing it.
If he is genuine he should be able to tell you

The guy I met had bladder surgery which resulted in him having his prostate removed and he lost the ability to get an erection. The mention of bladder surgery makes me wonder if this is something similar.

Also, in terms of pain, you wouldn't be able to lie on your back or your friends

This is in the running for best autocorrect of all time.

It's unlikely the NHS would be providing surgery to improve the look...that would be cosmetic reason and that's not funded

This crossed my mind too. If it's fully functioning then why would the NHS be prepared to carry out more operations?

No one should be forced, or pressured into sex.

Men have the right to say no to sex also

Of course...and whoever they're in a relationship with has the right to honesty so they can make a fully informed decision about whether they wish to stay in the relationship or not

I can understand that he feels it looks weird, but not why you can't have sex in the dark, blindfolded etc, seems fishy to me