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Original poster

I'm so confused. How can he be so cruel?

89 replies

watchingfromthesideline · 27/11/2023 02:44

My heart is broken and I just don't know what to do.

Recently I have been feeling more than ever that my husband is distant and places himself into family life when it suits him. We've had quite a few discussions and he's said "I'm sorry that you feel like that" and things have been a bit better. Out of no where yesterday the bombshell came, he's not happy and no longer wants to continue with our marriage. We're parents to the most wonderful toddler who doesn't deserve this, my husband has suffered with depression a couple of years in due to the stress of the birth. He says he can't continue because it's not fair on me, he's unhappy. He says I don't make him unhappy but I also don't make him happy. He says he doesn't know why he's unhappy but he knows he can't live the rest of his life like this. I have pleaded with him to try marriage counselling, he refuses saying it won't sort this. He assures me there's nobody else, I half believe him. He says he knows he's the world's worst husband right now to do this but he has to. Yet he can't give me enough reasons as to what is making him unhappy. My heart is broken, I can't sleep or eat, it's killing me. I thought we were happy. He's fast asleep and was making his tea whilst I was in bed with sick toddler. The most upsetting part is, he says that he confided in a family member back in April that he wasn't happy and he's apparently been trying since then to change how he feels. I can't see any evidence of him trying and he won't even give our marriage and family life a chance. He will still continue to be a dad to our toddler and will not shirk responsibility, but cannot try for his wife. I'm so devastated for the life I dreamt of.

OP posts:
Tilllly · 27/11/2023 02:47

I'm so so sorry to read this, I can see how painful it is

Made all the harder by the vague reasoning - be almost easier if he'd met someone else

AllrightNowBaby · 27/11/2023 02:54

You say you half believe there’s no one else, I would bet any money that there is.
Whatever, it’s over for you and him, so get yourself together for the sake of your toddler and yourself and carry on.
That’s all you can do, you can’t make someone want to be with you, when they don’t want to, so I’d say it’s the end of the relationship.

daisychain01 · 27/11/2023 02:59

He says he doesn't know why he's unhappy but he knows he can't live the rest of his life like this. I have pleaded with him to try marriage counselling, he refuses saying it won't sort this. He assures me there's nobody else, I half believe him. He says he knows he's the world's worst husband right now to do this but he has to. Yet he can't give me enough reasons as to what is making him unhappy.

It sounds like he's reinventing history. And it also sounds like he doesn't want to sort things out (can't tell you what's bothering him, even though something is) and he doesn't seem motivated to working through it or getting things back on track.
I'd ask him outright if he has found someone else. It will be very painful to hear but at least you'll know. If he's decided it's over and doesn't want to sort it out, the sooner you know the better. Don't let him keep you dangling on a string with his moping about what a bad husband he is, it's 'right OK so you're a bad husband, what's next then?'

Galectable · 27/11/2023 02:59

This must be incredibly painful for you. It does sound like he is depressed. Many men don't cope well adjusting to family life. They dont get much support from their peers either. In your shoes I'd be inclined to accept that he's never going to be the husband you imagined he'd be. But if he wants an amicable separation then insist on a few counselling sessions. Then you'll get an opportunity to talk through your feelings in a safe environment. All the best to you.

sprigatito · 27/11/2023 03:06

I would bet my house there is another woman. Men don't let go of the vine until they've grasped the one they're swinging too.

Please don't let him undermine your self worth or make you feel responsible for this. It's about him. You need to find your anger and start planning for a fair split, because if he follows the cheater's playbook he will turn nasty at some point.

I'm so sorry, you must be poleaxed Flowers

Lesvaillantes · 27/11/2023 03:11

Did your dh get any help for his depression at the time of the birth op?

If he didn’t, it seems odd to state that he doesn’t know why he’s depressed, but not do anything about it.

Taking him at his word, and putting aside the possibility of another woman appearing at some point along the line, this sounds very much like running away, rather than facing the issues head on. It’s cowardly behaviour. And counter-productive.

Lots of men find birth and the toddler years stressful. But sorry, you are the one that has had to go through pregnancy and childbirth and broken nights if you are breast feeding. It’s his job to seek treatment for whatever is ailing him in order to be able to step up and become a supportive husband and father.

WhatToDoAboutTheNosys · 27/11/2023 03:22

In sorry OP it's so sad to be losing the life you wanted, but it sounds like since having your baby you haven't actually been living that life anyway?! If he's been withdrawn the whole time could you be more free to be happy without him once all of the dust has settled? My DH goes through blips and phases of being so withdrawn when he's under a lot of stress with work etc and to be honest if that was what he was like forever I think I'd rather handle things without him.

It sounds like he needs help and it could be worth insisting on the counseling, because at this point if he's sure he wants to break up there's nothing to lose. If he's not willing to then your answer is already there.

There's more than one person there for us (happily married people who are widowed then move on to get married again are such big proof of this!) and down the line this could be the moment that set you free to find somebody who makes you feel happy and wanted every day.

Opentooffers · 27/11/2023 04:32

You could laugh couldn't you at the reason a man gives for 2 years depression being stress of birth ?- like he had to do it, try being the woman!
It's hard to let go of an imagined ideal and feeling bad for your DC compounds it. But living with a depressive for 2 years can't have been a bed of roses for you, just when you need more support than ever.
He sounds like a man who can't deal with having to share your attention. Time to find your anger, has he actually looked for help via his GP in the last 2 years, or just taken the easy wrong option that it must be you and family life that is the cause, rather than anything to do with him?
Let him go, keep communication minimal and about DC arrangements only, that might help shine a light for him that he is the problem, make him feel your absence.
If you beg and endlessly text/communicate, he won't be given the realisation of what he's chucking away.
So your best chance of a turnaround from him, is to cut him off as far as is reasonable. Make him feel what's missing.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 27/11/2023 05:00

I'm so sorry. Its very sad that he won't try counselling. Is he on medication for his depression?

I'm not sure there's anything you can do. It must be very hard

Epidote · 27/11/2023 07:48

He said you cant make him happy because his happiness in most part is up to him not up to you. His actions and actitude is dragging you down not the opposite.
So sorry you feel that way is a crap sentence to say that takes all his responsibility off the table.

If he wasn't that negativity parcel before he needs therapy.
Sorry you are going through this.

Lesvaillantes · 27/11/2023 08:30

Opentooffers · 27/11/2023 04:32

You could laugh couldn't you at the reason a man gives for 2 years depression being stress of birth ?- like he had to do it, try being the woman!
It's hard to let go of an imagined ideal and feeling bad for your DC compounds it. But living with a depressive for 2 years can't have been a bed of roses for you, just when you need more support than ever.
He sounds like a man who can't deal with having to share your attention. Time to find your anger, has he actually looked for help via his GP in the last 2 years, or just taken the easy wrong option that it must be you and family life that is the cause, rather than anything to do with him?
Let him go, keep communication minimal and about DC arrangements only, that might help shine a light for him that he is the problem, make him feel your absence.
If you beg and endlessly text/communicate, he won't be given the realisation of what he's chucking away.
So your best chance of a turnaround from him, is to cut him off as far as is reasonable. Make him feel what's missing.

I think this ^ is very good advice op. It’s going to take a very sudden mindset shift and it will be painful as hell but close the door on him. Don’t placate, plead or text.

He had enough energy to make himself himself dinner while you were looking after a sick toddler? So he didn’t make dinner for you too despite sharing the same space? What a shit! That doesn’t sound like depression, it sounds like utter selfishness.

Think about that for a bit and put your devastation aside and get angry. You must ask him to leave NOW. You can do without that scenario playing out in your child’s home!

Be civil but take control. Don’t let him dictate the timetable. Basically take him at his word - he’s told you that he can’t contribute to family life - so out he goes. Pack him a bag. Tell him to leave. Go cold on him. You’ve been struggling on your own for a while now anyway.

If he is genuinely depressed this may give him the kick he needs to get help and if not, at least it will allow you to have some agency in this process.

It’s a shame he can’t step up and be a good husband and father but it’s his loss it really is.

Original poster
watchingfromthesideline · 27/11/2023 11:39

Thank you all.

He says there is nobody else but I did say who am I to trust anything he says now.

He is adamant he's no longer depressed and he's just unhappy in our relationship and has been for months. It's so hurtful but I have to be strong for my little one. I don't want this to affect my toddler, they deserve nothing but the best.

OP posts:
Lesvaillantes · 27/11/2023 11:47

watchingfromthesideline · 27/11/2023 11:39

Thank you all.

He says there is nobody else but I did say who am I to trust anything he says now.

He is adamant he's no longer depressed and he's just unhappy in our relationship and has been for months. It's so hurtful but I have to be strong for my little one. I don't want this to affect my toddler, they deserve nothing but the best.

Well done op. You sound stronger than yesterday. Sending strength and solidarity xx

And if he is no longer depressed, then out of the door he goes, do not be kind or accommodating. Consider his actions not his words. True love is a verb. Go grey rock. He hasn’t taken your feelings in to account or that of your child, so you can be coldly civil but no need to accommodate him beyond that.

Reach out to friends and family today. Please get some outside support to help you negotiate this shock and being let down so badly.

Ladyj84 · 27/11/2023 12:02

To be fair he has been honest, he isn't happy you clearly don't make each other happy anymore and that's what happens in some relationships they do burn out. Don't over think and start inventing why he is unhappy or wether he has someonelse. Sometimes it's best to walk away and stay civil and be good parents. I know you say he doesn't look like he has tried since speaking to a family member but the fact he stayed maybe he was trying to sort it in his head

thepinkcatthinks · 27/11/2023 12:08

I had the same thing happen to me. Turns out his head had been turned by another women. The speech of “I was unhappy” blah blah blah. Also young children. He could not hack the reality of it. Also a lot of “I just want to do what I want to do”
It’s so hard OP. Especially the grief for the future you had planned and the family unit you want. I completely relate. Be gentle on yourself. It’s something lacking in him not you.

Seaoftroubles · 27/11/2023 12:19

So sorry OP, this is so hard for you to hear, especially as he has given you no no real reason. It must have been tough for you having to cope with his depression since you since your baby was born, and now this.
Has he seen his GP for depression and been precribed anti depressants or is it self diagnosed? I would do as has been suggested; share with friends and family asap, you will need their support whilst you process this.
I would go minimal contact with him apart from to discuss where he's moving to. I'm sorry to say there's every chance there is another woman waiting in the wings as this is so often the case but you will soon know the truth.

MsPloddingBottom · 27/11/2023 12:42

Ladyj84 · 27/11/2023 12:02

To be fair he has been honest, he isn't happy you clearly don't make each other happy anymore and that's what happens in some relationships they do burn out. Don't over think and start inventing why he is unhappy or wether he has someonelse. Sometimes it's best to walk away and stay civil and be good parents. I know you say he doesn't look like he has tried since speaking to a family member but the fact he stayed maybe he was trying to sort it in his head

Not sure he's been honest or he refuses to tel op why he's unhappy. Is it their relationship and disagreements; being responsible to a child and being stifled by family life; interest in someone else?

He sounds like a dick.

Definitely do what op said and don't bother begging. You've done everything right by asking for marriage counselling and speaking to him.

NotLactoseFree · 27/11/2023 12:58

It's truly awful, and I feel for you. But if he is genuinely unhappy, and unwilling to try, it really is better than you part ways.

The cynic in me also wonders if the issue is that fatherhood, and responsibility, is just not something he's that interested in and if he'll genuinely be there for your child in the future. It seems to me that a lot of men decide they are unhappy when there are small children around and they don't get the option to do what they like, when they like anymore.

I hope I'm wrong and that between the two of you, you can figure out a good way to do this that's fair to everyone and minimises the difficulty for your DC.

mrsotterbank · 27/11/2023 14:16

What's he unhappy about? He says that you don't make him unhappy but you don't make him happy. So what's making him unhappy?
I would strongly suspect there is someone else.

Whattodowithit88 · 27/11/2023 14:25

There is someone else.

BlueEyedPeanut · 27/11/2023 14:28

It couldn't be more obvious. The truth will come out. Just look after yourself and your little one.

OhComeOnFFS · 27/11/2023 14:32

I would bet my house on there being someone else. I'm so sorry for you - it's a horrible position to be in.

Get all your financial things sorted out. If there is someone else then there will be another voice in his ear telling him to look out for himself.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 27/11/2023 14:40

Just wanted to offer support, so sorry OP you've had a really upsetting time and must be devastated and dissapointed. It does sound like real depression though, often men don't cope with it as they find it so hard to ask for help. It sounds like it's almost been blamed on the birth of your child though or the birth itself, which would have been very difficult for you too. You have a right to be happy, so does your child but I think I'd focus on getting him to a GP and asking for a mental health assessment, he can't go on like that and you can't spend your life being his only support. He needs to take responsibility for his depression and get help, it does sound worrying that he feels so bleak about the future. If he wasn't like this pre child then he could improve with medical help or treatment of some sort. I feel for you as you are so dissapointed and you and your little deserve so much more. You don't have to stay with him OP you could be very happy with your child. I hope you get the help you need. 💐

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/11/2023 14:42

The whole world has been pulled up from
Under your feet. Same happened to me when pregnant.

All I can tell you is this will hurt like hell but you will be ok and there is happiness ahead for you. I bet you haven't confided in friends as it felt disloyal- please text or call your best friend or family now and tell them what's happened and let yourself be supported. If he's sure of his choice ask him to get out of house for a few days at least to give you processing time. Focus only on you and your health for now and get some counselling booked in in a couple of weeks to process all this.

I bet you will look back on this relationship and realize it has been draining and depleting you

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/11/2023 14:44

Whattodowithit88 · 27/11/2023 14:25

There is someone else.

This isn't relevant to op now sadly. She needs to believe him that it's over

Even IF he works on himself and he comes back one day and they reconcile- which she can't hold her breath for- it would be a new relationship starting over from scratch then in the future- the current one is over

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