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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm so confused. How can he be so cruel?

89 replies

watchingfromthesideline · 27/11/2023 02:44

My heart is broken and I just don't know what to do.

Recently I have been feeling more than ever that my husband is distant and places himself into family life when it suits him. We've had quite a few discussions and he's said "I'm sorry that you feel like that" and things have been a bit better. Out of no where yesterday the bombshell came, he's not happy and no longer wants to continue with our marriage. We're parents to the most wonderful toddler who doesn't deserve this, my husband has suffered with depression a couple of years in due to the stress of the birth. He says he can't continue because it's not fair on me, he's unhappy. He says I don't make him unhappy but I also don't make him happy. He says he doesn't know why he's unhappy but he knows he can't live the rest of his life like this. I have pleaded with him to try marriage counselling, he refuses saying it won't sort this. He assures me there's nobody else, I half believe him. He says he knows he's the world's worst husband right now to do this but he has to. Yet he can't give me enough reasons as to what is making him unhappy. My heart is broken, I can't sleep or eat, it's killing me. I thought we were happy. He's fast asleep and was making his tea whilst I was in bed with sick toddler. The most upsetting part is, he says that he confided in a family member back in April that he wasn't happy and he's apparently been trying since then to change how he feels. I can't see any evidence of him trying and he won't even give our marriage and family life a chance. He will still continue to be a dad to our toddler and will not shirk responsibility, but cannot try for his wife. I'm so devastated for the life I dreamt of.

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 17/01/2024 19:45

You sound heroically cool @helpmekeepmycalm just keep going, once he's out of there re-arrange the house to make it lovely and excatly as you like it. Treat yourself like a good friend.

Sayearlgrey · 17/01/2024 22:48

I know it doesn't feel like it now but him going quickly is a gift. Now you can start building something new instead of daily life being poisoned by his presence in your space. And I know it feels crap this happening while you have a toddler. But the months will pass and your toddler won't remember his dad being at home. This helps.

Be kind to yourself. Put you and your DS first. Reach out to family and friends. Take things one day at a time.

MahShinyShoes · 17/01/2024 23:03

I hope you are okay this evening @helpmekeepmycalm

Hopefully there is an element of relief that you finally have space to yourself without someone goading you to react.

I hope your DC was able to enjoy part of their day & that you sleep tonight. Time to rest & recoup your strength.

PieAndLattes · 18/01/2024 04:51

What a selfish, self absorbed, cruel twat. I hope you’re OK, OP. Neither you nor your child deserved that.

Dotty87 · 18/01/2024 07:49

I hope you managed to get through yesterday as best as possible?

He planned that to get a reaction from you didn't he, you weren't giving him the crazy ex story he needs to justify his actions, so this was another form of goading you.

helpmekeepmycalm · 18/01/2024 10:39

So he's gone, we spent the day together for our child's birthday. He then suggested we went for lunch which was very strange but I did for my child and it was ok other than the awkward silences.

He then hung around until I put our child to bed. He wrote in their birthday card, spent a few minutes downstairs singing to himself and then left and didn't look back (watched the doorbell back) and that was that. He waited until he knew I wouldn't be around, no apology nothing. He has however left all of his stuff as he has said it's going to take a few weeks to move out! He took his overnight bag, coffee machine and new tv etc. Then skipped off to his new happy life because he "deserved to be happy".

Had a little cry as he closed the door but then felt a sense of relief knowing I wouldn't have that horrific feeling in my own home anymore.

He wasn't happy with me for telling our child that Daddy was going to his new home now and he said it was inappropriate for them to know that. But I can't deal with the confusion for my little one anymore.

toddnetworks · 18/01/2024 10:54

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. Breakups are tough, especially when there's a kiddo involved. It sucks that he's not giving counseling a shot, but sometimes people just check out emotionally. Take care of yourself and your little one first – it's a tough road ahead, but you'll find your way.

SequentialAnalyst · 18/01/2024 10:55

And now the rest of your life beckons!
Now he has gone, you might find yourself flagging physically for a few days. I suggest a gentle chill day - as much as you can, given that you have a toddler!

Nicebloomers · 18/01/2024 11:02

I’m so sorry he’s being callous. It really is a piss take by him. Completely unnecessary.

A similar thing happened to me and then all of a sudden I’m the bad guy in the situation and treated as such by him. He accused me of holding him back from his dreams (of another woman who had a partner she had no intention of spitting from). I thought our family was (at least part of) his dream! Silly me. I think it’s just easier for them to live with themselves if they demonise those of us that they have left. They convince themselves it’s our fault somehow. Bonkers thought process.

Noshowlomo · 18/01/2024 15:57

Fucking shit bag from hell. He will be back, and when he is, tell him to fuuuuuuuck off

HalebiHabibti · 18/01/2024 16:05

I'm so sorry OP. Have you told people yet? Please do. They will be disgusted by his behaviour.

If they can then be at your house when he comes to collect things, so much the better. Let him squirm under their gaze.

JaneAustensHeroine · 18/01/2024 19:38

I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s hellish. I would strongly recommend that once he has removed his belongings you restrict his access to your home (don’t let him cross the threshold again). Seek legal advice if you have to and set firm boundaries around contact. Set up a separate email address for communication so he doesn’t just pop into your main inbox. You can then choose when you read his communication. Be really clear what kind of contact you will have and when. Stick to it. Your rules.

Your home needs to be your safe space, now more than ever. And that means excluding callous and cruel people.

I have been where you are and much as you may feel powerless to take control now is the best time. He will think he’s in a strong and powerful position but actually he is weak.

It goes without saying that he will be back. Prepare for that and decide whether that’s a rollercoaster you want to be on….

Jbrown76 · 18/01/2024 19:45

Go on now, go, walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
You think I'd crumble?
You think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive
I will survive, hey, hey

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