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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm so confused. How can he be so cruel?

89 replies

watchingfromthesideline · 27/11/2023 02:44

My heart is broken and I just don't know what to do.

Recently I have been feeling more than ever that my husband is distant and places himself into family life when it suits him. We've had quite a few discussions and he's said "I'm sorry that you feel like that" and things have been a bit better. Out of no where yesterday the bombshell came, he's not happy and no longer wants to continue with our marriage. We're parents to the most wonderful toddler who doesn't deserve this, my husband has suffered with depression a couple of years in due to the stress of the birth. He says he can't continue because it's not fair on me, he's unhappy. He says I don't make him unhappy but I also don't make him happy. He says he doesn't know why he's unhappy but he knows he can't live the rest of his life like this. I have pleaded with him to try marriage counselling, he refuses saying it won't sort this. He assures me there's nobody else, I half believe him. He says he knows he's the world's worst husband right now to do this but he has to. Yet he can't give me enough reasons as to what is making him unhappy. My heart is broken, I can't sleep or eat, it's killing me. I thought we were happy. He's fast asleep and was making his tea whilst I was in bed with sick toddler. The most upsetting part is, he says that he confided in a family member back in April that he wasn't happy and he's apparently been trying since then to change how he feels. I can't see any evidence of him trying and he won't even give our marriage and family life a chance. He will still continue to be a dad to our toddler and will not shirk responsibility, but cannot try for his wife. I'm so devastated for the life I dreamt of.

OP posts:

Supra · 27/11/2023 14:49

Sounds depressed to me. Not much you can do to be honest other than give him space.

WatieKatie · 27/11/2023 16:24

@watchingfromthesideline My now ex husband did exactly the same to me ten years ago. Our DC was just a baby, he said almost exactly the same as your ‘dh’ line for line. Like you it came out of the blue. It was a dreadful shock.

Two weeks later, I found out via a third party that he’d been cheating and had actually left to be with the OW. Of course he denied it and said they’d only just met. Some digging my end found messages going back months. Just be aware. My heart goes out to you, it was the most dreadful time but I got through it for the better.

Burntouted · 27/11/2023 16:26

He has to take care of his own mental health and sort himself out independently. From his post, he has been tried to force himself to be happy for a long time.. It's become too much. He doesn't want to pretend any longer..

Clearly nobody can force happiness on themselves.. He has to primarily become the source of his own happiness, and then he can add extensions to his happiness. ..such as family, wife, kids, friends, etc... He has to find himself and happiness away from the current dynamic.

I'm not understanding why you felt the two of you were happy, especially since you've known about him battling depression for awhile it seems...even before deciding to bring an innocent human being into the mix.

Depression is a lifelong battle. It's not something curable. Life's unpredictabilities (a lot of them very traumatizing and negatively life altering) will always happen.

It's probably best to respect his feelings, perhaps divorce, perhaps work towards moving on in therapy.

If you didn't know beforehand what type of person you were marrying, you know now. He is never going to be the person, the partner, the husband, that you need and want. He is never going to be the father that his son needs and wants.

That's just what it is.

He has been fighting and losing a battle that he can't seem to win.

Whether it's someone else or not and truly his depression...

He's unhappy, unhealthy, and wants out.

Let him go. It's not good if he stays.

I'm sorry

Prelapsarianhag · 27/11/2023 16:54

Step back OP, let him feel the cold wind blow.

Original poster

watchingfromthesideline · 18/12/2023 17:24

As predicted by most. I found out about the other woman yesterday. He stands by the fact that he hasn't physically cheated on me but I know he has been emotionally. I found hotel bookings for Saturday and he took her to a hotel for the evening to spend time together and 'watch films'. I don't recognise this man anymore. I'm not sad for the man I'm currently loosing, I'm heartbroken for loosing the man I fell in love with and trusted.

He's risked everything for her and il never forgive him.

OP posts:

JaneAustensHeroine · 18/12/2023 17:48

What an awful shock for you! I’m so sorry.

Please remember that this is not about you. He hasn’t detached himself because there is something wrong with you or your relationship. He has detached himself because there is something wrong with him.

However desperate you feel, please put yourself first and surround yourself with people who care about you. Be kind to yourself and direct your energy inwards. It is so easy in these situations to direct your precious energy towards him and to try to make him better or feel differently. Use that energy for yourself. Find things to do that nurture you.

💐 for you. Have been there and it’s shocking.

Redglitter · 18/12/2023 17:54

He stands by the fact that he hasn't physically cheated on me but I know he has been emotionally. I found hotel bookings for Saturday and he took her to a hotel for the evening to spend time together and 'watch films'

So he's lying to you now too. They went to a hotel & just watched film & didn't have sex?? What rubbish. I'd be so angry being expected to believe that kind of bs. If they wanted to spend time together & watch films they'd go out for dinner & to the cinema.

It may not feel like it just now but you & your wee one are far better off without him

ChateauDuMont · 18/12/2023 18:21

I'm another one who believes the vague wishy washy feebleness of excuses he's given for wanting to split up is because he's met someone else.

Do not plead with him.

Sort out your joint finances and living arrangements and let him go and see if the grass is greener on the other side.

Of course you feel dreadful now but it will pass and you will look back and be relieved that he's now someone else's problem.

Tacotortoise · 18/12/2023 21:06

watchingfromthesideline · 18/12/2023 17:24

He's risked everything for her and il never forgive him.

I'm glad you know the truth OP. It's painful but as you can plainly see - this was nothing you did or could have done differently. He's just a lazy, greedy man who doesn't appreciate what he's got.

Please remember not to forgive him when he gets cold feet in 6 months time and wants to "try again".

Chelsea543 · 18/12/2023 21:20

Im so sorry OP. I’m going through a similar situation right now and I didn’t even think there was OW but the fact he’s happy to walk away from our relationship and 8 month old makes me think there must be.

What a pathetic man your ex is, and he knew all along the reason that he’s unhappy but didn’t have enough respect to even tell you. He’s a coward, a liar and a cheat and you don’t need your child to see that an example of a partner.

I really hope you are able to get support and look after yourself. I’m struggling with the fact I now have to co parent with my OH for the next couple of decades when we aren’t together anymore. Just remember that you deserve to be respected and loved, not treated in this disgusting way. Stay strong xxx

aandriri · 18/12/2023 21:27

I could have written this myself OP! I am now 2 months post split, he still says there's no one else but I don't believe him anymore. I never would have thought I'd be in this position, 8 years together and a 2 year old and he just walks away. Sadly it sounds like my situation isn't unique, there's some cowardly men out there 😞

NotLactoseFree · 19/12/2023 08:20

Sorry to read this op. Such shits

Is he still living with you? What about your dc? Is he at least taking his share of parenting?

helpmekeepmycalm · 14/01/2024 07:42

So an update on my Eastenders version of life.

Turns out he has taken this girl to over ten hotels throughout December (then returned to the family home) and they have been out for dinner to fancy restaurants nearly every day throughout December. Yet, he can't afford my child's birthday party and hasn't contributed to any gifts.

I can't believe I genuinely believed that he had just fallen out of love and there was nobody else. He met her just 15 minutes after he ended our marriage that day. The fucker is now trying to threaten me with court for our child, laughable. When will this end. He's still not moved out, due to next week but he's going to enjoy making my life hell in the process. Either this man was a lovely genuine man and she's brought out the worst in him or he's been a fucker all along.

They both have children and both think they are able to call the shots and they're untouchable.

helpmekeepmycalm · 14/01/2024 07:43

He's also her boss and they have shared their "I love you" already. Absolute joke.

Farmersweeklyreader · 14/01/2024 08:00

Kick him out. Today. You can’t live in that situation with him practically taunting you while you are living in the same house. Your child comes first and this is not a good environment for them.
So sorry you are going through this x

helpmekeepmycalm · 14/01/2024 08:53

I would, but he knows I need him to contribute to the bills and mortgage and he is holding that over me. The man deserves some karma that's for sure. He's absolutely vile, enjoying every minute of it and I don't know why. I think he's trying to get a reaction from me to take away guilt and justify it, If im awful to him. Trying my best to keep grey rocking. I'm feeling at rock bottom right now.

Lupin61 · 14/01/2024 08:59

So sorry you are going through this. My husband did exactly the same - out of nowhere told me he wasn’t happy and wanted to end the marriage even though I had thought we were in a good place at the time. He told me he was depressed and nothing would be able to change his mind such as counselling. Swore until he was blue in the face that there was no one else and he would never cheat. Made me out to be a paranoid nutter when I kept being suspicious that he must have met someone. Turned out he’d been having an affair with a woman at his work. So bloody predictable! I hope you have a good support network around you. You will eventually be absolutely fine but I know how unbelievably painful and scary things must be for you at the moment

roseheartfly · 14/01/2024 10:19

My ex husband did this. I knew he was having an affair.

I wish I just got my ducks in a row and left but I became obsessed with 'proving it'. I was right but it didn't change things and it didn't make me feel better. It made me look crazy and almost justified his action because I was 'nuts'. Fast forward now I have a life I love. I'm happy and I've found someone I trust.
My biggest regret is not leaving the moment he tried to tell me that I wasn't making him happy. And as another PP said 'rewrite history'.

If you can, take him at his word and get your ducks in a row. Try not to focus on understanding or justifying but try to focus on moving forward with your wonderful child.

JaneAustensHeroine · 14/01/2024 11:44

I am so sorry OP..and anyone else going through something similar. Please protect yourself emotionally. Spend as much time as you can out of the house with friends and family and away from him. I really hope he moves out next week as he says but there’s every chance he won’t. As in many such situations it is the woman who ends up petitioning for divorce because, although the man initiates the end of the marriage they don’t seem to want to finalise it….

Take charge of this situation OP. Take back control. You can call the shots. You do have power even though it may not feel like it.

Do you have friends and family around you?

JaneAustensHeroine · 14/01/2024 11:47

Please remember that however shocking things feel right now, you will have a future that is happy again. Honestly you will. Like others on here, I thought my world had ended. It really hadn’t. You will get through this.

Shiningout · 14/01/2024 12:12

Many blokes turn very very nasty once they know it's over and everything is out in the open. To be brutally honest you're probably gonna be in for a shitty and stressful few months with regards to divorce, custody etc. I'm 5 years down the line and it was hell for about 2 years, but things are better now. Not perfect, and ex is still a complete arse who doesn't put our child first, but as my child gets older I know things will change and I won't have to force our lives around his plans/games.

Lesvaillantes · 14/01/2024 17:31

watchingfromthesideline · 18/12/2023 17:24

He's risked everything for her and il never forgive him.

I’m so sorry op. Hold your head up high op and play the long game. Keep dignified. He told a relative back in April that he wasn’t happy (was that when he met ow?) and has done absolutely nothing since to try and make the situation any better for you or your toddler. He never intended to. Telling you he was stressed and depressed about the birth. What an arse and a wimp. Now off chasing women and investing in short term kicks. He’s not a man, he’s a child.

Him making tea for himself while you are in bed with a sick toddler basically tells you who he is.

He is not willing to contribute to family life so out he goes. Get support. Get a lawyer. Take control and take the initiative. Do not cover up his activities to other people.

Lesvaillantes · 14/01/2024 17:35

Not too depressed for date nights with this other woman basically means he can rally enough to pack his clothes and belongings and go.

You will feel much happier and stronger in your own space without the threat of him turning up.

He will lose out in the long term op. His child will grow up to know who he is.

Maddy70 · 14/01/2024 17:37

You can't control his feelings or yours but you can control your response.

Don't beg or be needy
Be practical. Sort out house finances visitation

Im sorry its so shitty

OliveToboogie · 14/01/2024 21:43

"Cherche une autre femme" . I would bet my mortgage on it. He may not have been unfaithful yet but he is laying the ground work. Very few men leave a marriage without somewhere to go. I'm sorry 💐💐💐

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