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Original poster

Why would you not get married?

124 replies

HiMyNamesLee · 26/11/2023 17:57

when couples have been together for years on end and have children, have a house together etc. just wondering why they don’t want to get married when for all intents and purposes they basically are? Are there benefits to not being married in this scenario? And please don’t say expense because you can have a registry wedding for very cheap

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 26/11/2023 17:59

From experience...i think from my ex point of view...why buy the cow when can get milk for free...and i also think incase anyone else came along more suitable for him.

Whataretheodds · 26/11/2023 18:00

Why do they need to?

Ostryga · 26/11/2023 18:00

Personally for me it’s because I own my home outright, have savings and a good income and I don’t want anyone other than Dd to have any of it!

Paperbagsaremine · 26/11/2023 18:01

Well in E&W, if one of them's a lot richer than the other, if they split they're only on the hook for child support; there's no "division of marital assets".

Original poster
HiMyNamesLee · 26/11/2023 18:02

@Ostryga @Paperbagsaremine that makes sense actually

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 26/11/2023 18:05

Inertia

Or he doesn’t like the idea of being tied down

It’s almost always bad news financially for the woman and kids though @Whataretheodds

GetWhatYouWant · 26/11/2023 18:12

In the case of my family member, who is mid fifties and been with her male partner for 35 years and has adult children, it was that she believed that marriage was aligned to the patriarchy therefore she was opposed to it on principle. Whether she still thinks like that I have no idea but they have never married.

Tomelette · 26/11/2023 18:16

If the woman has more money or property.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 26/11/2023 18:17

We are not married but I don’t want to. I am F and DP is M. All of the family savings are in my name and we have a shared asset (our house) which DP has put the bulk of the money into. We each have our own houses too which we rent out. We have back to back wills.

If we split I would make a lot of money based on DP’s contributions. If we were married and split he’d be in a better financial position as he could go after my pension.

Whataretheodds · 26/11/2023 18:18

theduchessofspork · 26/11/2023 18:05

Inertia

Or he doesn’t like the idea of being tied down

It’s almost always bad news financially for the woman and kids though @Whataretheodds

If the woman is the higher earner and has her own property with (more) equity, and greater financial assets?

Gowlett · 26/11/2023 18:23

Two of the unmarried couples I know, who split, he was still ok the look out… And left for a newer model. Then had a baby with her. I suppose married guys do that as well, but still…

Libertass · 26/11/2023 18:23

DP & I have been together for 20+ years, we own our house outright, are both higher-rate taxpayers and are financially comfortable but not wealthy. We are also childfree by choice.
We are not married & have no plans to marry. Marriage & children are the normal thing to do, and are fine for most people, but we are not most people and we don’t want to be ‘normal’. Also, there is an element of ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’.

G5000 · 26/11/2023 18:26

Well in many, many cases, because the higher earning man knows very well that they very much are not married for all intents and purposes. Just the ones that benefit the man, but he can keep his money all to himself.

Gameofmoans81 · 26/11/2023 18:27

I’m one of the couples you just described and I can’t think of a reason TO get married! 🤣

ByGrabtharsHammarWhatASaving · 26/11/2023 18:32

Honestly op I think the idea that living as a family is basically the same as being married is a big issue for many people, one that causes lots of problems. They are not in any way the same. Marriage may have lots of social expectations and associations around family life, but when all is said and done it's a legal contract where 2 people agree to combine and share wealth. That's it. You could be married for decades and never see each other or have any romantic involvement and it would still be a marriage. There is nothing in a marriage contract which prescribes living a certain way, and nothing in a romantic relationship which becomes more or less valid because of a legal contract.

In my opinion this is why when couples divorce, loads of them are suddenly shocked that they are entitled to each other's assets - men who signed a contract agreeing to combine their wealth suddenly seem baffled that they are being asked to divide what is legally shared. Similarly unmarried couples seem baffled on seperation to find that they aren't magically entitled to each other's stuff. Why would you be? You didn't sign that contract!

If everyone could just get their heads around the idea that being in love and raising a family, and legally agreeing to share your assets, have nothing to do with each other unless you explicitly choose to do both, then maybe everyone would make better choices. Why do I live and raise children with my partner? Because I love him. Why do we not marry? Because I want our wealth and assets legally disaggregated. The two decisions should be made entirely separately.

LaurieStrode · 26/11/2023 18:36

Well stated, @ByGrabtharsHammarWhatASaving

That's why women with few assets and low earning power are foolish to have kids out of wedlock.

DrCoconut · 26/11/2023 18:38

i now own my house (albeit with a mortgage) and i will never get married again. It was so much easier and cheaper to leave my oldest DC's father when things went wrong than it was to have to go through a divorce with my younger twos dad. Being married gave me no protection at all, just a big bill to settle.

Biscottiforever · 26/11/2023 18:41

I would assume the point would be so the partner is officially next of kin and able to make relevant decisions in an emergency, and so there is protection if one of the couple gets ill/ dies. Of course there are other ways around this but involves lawyer etc so more hassle than getting married for similar protections.

SheIsStuck23 · 26/11/2023 18:45

I think that generally people get married before having children as making that first step to creating a family. If the couple have already had children then to some the concept of marriage is quite pointless.

For some couples, marriage before children is important but for other couples it isn’t.

KatBurglar · 26/11/2023 18:45

The point of marriage is to access legal protections. If those legal protections aren’t relevant to someone, or they object on ethical or philosophical grounds, they won’t get married.

We got married after being 20+ years together for inheritance tax/pension access. It meant nothing else because we had committed to each other decades ago.

MintJulia · 26/11/2023 18:48

I've watched three of my friends marry their long term partners, only to have those partners resign, say they 'need a career break' and then live off their long-suffering wives for a decade or more, who don't want to lose access to the dcs 50% of the time.

So for me, an acceptance that you never really know a person, and I have no desire to find my significant other has been sleeping with a barmaid and I'm losing half my house, savings, pension and time with my ds as a result.

I have a lovely son, good life, a nice home in a beautiful place, with solid finances. No man is worth risking ds' security for. Comes down to trust in the end - and I don't.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 26/11/2023 18:50

I didn’t want to get married, ever. I changed my mind and we had a cheap, lovely wedding but I think I got swept up in something and I would stay unmarried if I could change things.
very happy with my DP, house and pensions of course in both names. Not much to be gained.
to me, marriage has foundations in a patriarchal system of ownership of women and i didn’t want a part of it.

DahliaJ · 26/11/2023 18:54

Security. Independence. Choices.

I was married, my ex had an affair. I came home to find a for sale board up at the end of our lane. I wondered who was moving….turned out I was!

I brought my DC’s up alone. I've never been out of work. I've saved and own my own house outright. I have a long term partner but don't want to lose my choices.

( Tax and pension wise we would be better off married)

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 26/11/2023 19:59

We got married after 19 years 10 of it engaged because we were always going to (after the proposal anyway). It was just a baby and lack of money delayed it. We just wanted to put the seal on our relationship and our wedding was more like a nice family celebration

EVliving · 26/11/2023 20:18

I'm sure my ex wished we had got married, they had an affair, got caught and kicked out. They then tried to get money from my house, pension and savings. Oh no you won't. We are not married. On your bike. I'm sure they didn't factor that into their lying cheating plan. People belive common law partners have rights. They don't.

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