Why would you not get married?

[HiMyNamesLee]

when couples have been together for years on end and have children, have a house together etc. just wondering why they don’t want to get married when for all intents and purposes they basically are? Are there benefits to not being married in this scenario? And please don’t say expense because you can have a registry wedding for very cheap

Because it is very likely that we are going to be from different religions. I won't change mine or ask him to change his. I do not believe in divorce one you get married and it is much paperwork both sign in and sign out.
Rather to live in sin, nothing wrong with it where I come from. I will repent one day before going to heaven.
Also I can use the money to buy a car or get down my mortgage.

Totally agree @LaurieStrode , the other (and probably more common) side of "married for decades with no romantic connection" is "romantically involved for decades but not entitled to a penny". Ultimately though, people need to make the choice that actually best suits their situation, but they won't as long they see the primary function of marriage as validating, proving, or legitimising romantic love. The bits about rights and responsibilities aren't worthless small print, they're the entire point!

I started a thread on here once before detailing our finances and asking if it benefited me more to marry or not, and the number of people who replied to call me cold, unromantic, mercenary, greedy etc for questioning that was staggering.

Being married doesn't make your relationship more serious, special, committed, or loving*, it just changes your legal standing relative to one another. There are many ways to tell the world that you really really love someone, like super seriously, but marriage is a legal contract and you should only sign it if you want the things it actually contains.

• speaking as an atheist, if you are religious you may have other beliegs about marriage. That still won't change the actual law though.

Because some people don't want to, surely to goodness you can understand that people make different choices.
I want to be free to leave if I choose to, he's free to do the same. DP is much keener on marriage than me. We both earn well, have wills, want the best for dc etc, marriage won't add to that.

Because they’re not thinking of the legalities just the day to day.

We've been together over 20 years. 2 kids, not married. Why? Dunno. Can't be arsed is the biggest reason. I don't really see the point as we live as a married couple. We both earn well and about the same. Both own half our house. We aren't religious. Why should we marry?

Exactly there’s an assumption all women are dependent on men financially. Many aren’t.

I also have friends who aren’t married precisely because they don’t want to combine finances with irresponsible partners.

Also some people just don’t want to combine finances, for no other reason than they don’t.

I don't want to be married because I think it's outdated and patriarchal and I have no wish to be part of it.

Neither of us are financially dependent on each other, obviously it’s much easier with 2 incomes but if he walks tomorrow I’ll be fine. I remember in the early days my newly married friend telling me that she felt different being a wife and a husband was diffenrt to a long term partner. I just can’t imagine that. I’ve been accused of being a cool “wife” because he has female friends who he goes away with and we are still pretty independent but honestly most of the relationship problems on here and real life are alien to me
from his point of view, he grew up with parents staying together “for the kids” then they divorced and remarried and divorced those people so he sees no value in the vows.

Same here. I’ve been married before and I’m not doing it again. I’ve been clear about this with DP from the start, and if it was important to him to get married and he hassled me about it, I would leave.

Depending on whether you’re a man or a woman, either “well done” or “that’s awful”

Marriage isn't mandatory, it's optional.

It depends on the individual and how they define "beneficial".

There are various reasons that a lot of people and couples don't get married. It's no big deal.

I am one of those people. Together 20+ years, kids, house, shared life.

I will not get married. In his ideal family, he would have had the stag party and the wedding with all his family and I would have worn the white dress and the ring and changed my name and he would have loved to have a wife. All his family marry young, are either happy with or tolerant of each other,and divorce is very unusual.

He had to choose as I was plain from the outset I wouldn’t do those things. Why on earth would I? There is absolutely no benefit to me. In my family, marriage is only ever done for practical reasons, marriages have been abusive and divorces have been, long, painful and expensive.

It’s never appealed to me. I love weddings and have attended some beautiful ceremonies over the years but I personally have never wanted to be anyones wife. I can’t imagine wanting to be with one person for the rest of my life. It just sounds dull.

I do understand why women who give up work to raise DC and have lower income potential are advised to marry to protect themselves which is one reason I waited until I felt financially secure before having children.

I own my own house and will be able to pay off the mortgage thanks to an unexpected inheritance. I paid for all of the renovations in this property. Currently earn 6 figures. There was no way I was ever going to marry DC’s dad (who contributed zero to the house purchase) and risk him getting a share of my assets to the detriment of my DC.

Patriarchal? Outdated? How? We got married over 40 years ago in a register office. There was nothing patriarchal about any of the vows. As far as I can recall the wording was identical for each of us, and obviously there was no religion either. It enabled us to gain all the legal protections of marriage in ten minutes for a bargain price. We would otherwise have had to see a solicitor and spend considerably more to try to replicate the same legal position.

I've known quite a few people who were adamant that marriage wasn't for them but as they've got older they have often changed their minds once they look at the inheritance tax benefits of being married. This is probably something very specific to people who own property in London or environs, though.

I hate weddings. Hate the idea of feeling tied to someone

Female here. I wouldn't get married again because of the following.

The only person I want to inherit my house is my DS.

People change/takes a long time to get to really know someone and I wouldn't want to be stuck with them.

Fear of a fraudster pretending to love me and then leaving and taking half my house, which I have worked extremely hard for.

As time has gone on and I am older and wiser, I have become a lot more cynical because I have witnessed the above happening so many times over the years.

Some people have a jointly owned property and separate savings, named as beneficiary on wills and pensions, etc.
Sometimes it's a matter of principle of not wanting to be married, as a big fuck off to society, patriarchy, religion, 'the system'. I've known couples who don't want to because of the faff of registry wedding even this shitty civil option is expensive for what it is, booked up often, have to attend an 'interview', wait for the notice period, then requires you to bring witnesses which is annoying for some. Sometimes you can't elope, immigration reasons for example, and you dread an actual wedding party so much due to appearance, family problems or dynamics, feeling overwhelmed and social anxiety, cost whether they can afford it or dread spending. Sometimes there is pressure and comparison from family as to what a wedding should be like and it puts them off, who to invite where to have it... I think more would wed if we had a Vegas style wedding in the UK, you can get married instantly but can also have it annulled in a straight forward way.

Marriage is too bureaucratic in the UK.

I hate attention on me. Even a wedding ceremony that would be just a registrar, witnesses and us makes me feel ill. 😬

When we were younger there were also family issues at play, now we’re older and those have gone away, getting married still doesn’t appeal. I think my partner would have followed the more traditional route of marriage but accepts my feelings on it.

We’ve been together 25 years and have 2 children. Financially we’re both more than fine if we were to split up, not that I can see that happening. We’re happy with how things are.

I’ve been with my partner 20 years and I’m not married, as @blankittyblank says , I can’t be bothered. The thought of changing every passport, tenancy etc is too much . I think another factor is my ex had an affair and the divorce that would have followed, had we been married would have been awful.

I think marriage is patriarchal if you make it that way, you can have a perfectly equal marriage, you don’t have to change your name etc.

I think if you are the lower earning partner and have taken time out of work to raise kids you should think long and hard about marriage, not even for yourself but your kids. But otherwise as long as you feel you have covered everything like wills etc then it’s no-one elses business really and I can really understand the security of knowing you can walk away pretty easily.

I wasn’t bothered about getting married, Dh wanted to and I was happy to throw my lot in with his permanently so I said yes. I didn’t change my name, DH pulls his weight, it’s fine.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g The principle is patriarchal. Marriage is about transferring the "ownership" of a woman from her father to her husband. Not something I want to help perpetuate.

Next of kin you can nominate yourself without a lawyer, just have it noted on your GP records and carry a card. Medical and financial decisions can only be made by someone who has POA so even married couples can’t do that without having a POA in place.

In my case, he didn't want to. I wanted to. Makes me cringe now. Looking back, I can't believe I wanted to.he was an ass to me. Would never marry now. Like a pp, the only person inheriting my house is my dc

The thought of changing every passport, tenancy etc is too much

You don't need to change passports when you get married.

My DP bought his first flat at 18yo and is now mortgage free. He paid it off the months before we met. However his pension isn’t worth anything.

I have an excellent pension that I’ve been paying into since I was 18, but no property.

We don’t have a child together although he is ‘dad’ to my DS. The property is left to us in his will, my pension is left to him and DS. But if we were to marry, and divorce, there’s no reason I should be entitled to anything he worked so hard for before we even met and vice versa.