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Original poster

Why would you not get married?

124 replies

HiMyNamesLee · 26/11/2023 17:57

when couples have been together for years on end and have children, have a house together etc. just wondering why they don’t want to get married when for all intents and purposes they basically are? Are there benefits to not being married in this scenario? And please don’t say expense because you can have a registry wedding for very cheap

OP posts:
Firsttimemum623 · 27/11/2023 08:11

My friend has just had a baby with her long term partner, but just has no interest in being married. She always says why should we? So the opposite argument.

I always say for the tax advantages, but she thinks that's unromantic 😂

Goodornot · 27/11/2023 08:28

Firsttimemum623 · 27/11/2023 08:11

My friend has just had a baby with her long term partner, but just has no interest in being married. She always says why should we? So the opposite argument.

I always say for the tax advantages, but she thinks that's unromantic 😂

She better go back to work after maternity leave in that case. She won't be worried about romance if she ends up a single mother with no claim on his house.

Eleganz · 27/11/2023 08:43

It all depends on your circumstances really and whether marriage is beneficial to you as a couple.

I'm not married to my current partner. This is because we are both financially equal and independent with children of our own and currently combining things creates more problems than it solves. Also, I really do not want to have to go through divorce again if things do not last longer term. My divorce was hard and I don't care to repeat it.

HouseChainDrama · 27/11/2023 08:58

@Goodornot

Why on earth would you assume the man owns the house exclusively?

Weird.

Catleveltired · 27/11/2023 09:01

Goodornot · 27/11/2023 08:28

She better go back to work after maternity leave in that case. She won't be worried about romance if she ends up a single mother with no claim on his house.

Show quote history

And she might be really glad if she ends up a single mother and he has no claim on her house.

notanothernana · 27/11/2023 09:11

Ostryga · 26/11/2023 18:00

Personally for me it’s because I own my home outright, have savings and a good income and I don’t want anyone other than Dd to have any of it!

So if you die first you'd leave your partner potentially homeless and skint??!

Ren34 · 27/11/2023 09:19

I suppose marriage is a big deal both practically and spiritually for a lot of people, for many it’s like they will be ok living in the best house they are able to, for many years and relatively happily but it would take a lot for them to commit to one house for life. It’s no doubt very true that as many women are happy to just live together without the commitment these days then men just think why bother, more so if they have significant assets (equally as many women in those cases)

notanothernana · 27/11/2023 09:21

Seems to me marriage is now seen as a financial agreement alone. I can see how in the past it would have protected women, as traditionally they were at home and not working (or only part-time), but it's not like that for the majority of couples.

I suppose it depends on your finances. Seems that if you're doing well there's less of a desire to tie the knot (unless partner is in similar financial position) but if at home with kids then it is protective.

It's sad. We got married in order to start a family from a secure base and i was a SAHM for 10 years. The general vibe of this thread is that people are not to be trusted and "what's mine is mine".

As i say, sad.

TheAverageJoanne · 27/11/2023 09:26

When my parents and grandparents got married (1955, 1951 and 1979) they like many other couples met young, courted, got engaged, started a bottom drawer and saved up for a house deposit. They were all too young to have property and savings so there was none of the attitude of ringfencing your assets. It was rare not to be married.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 27/11/2023 09:32

Bit cheesy, but I definitely feel more special saying "my husband". We had been living together for a long time, but it felt different to be officially married

SheTookChances · 27/11/2023 09:33

@Goodornot Why would the house be in his name? 🤪

gemloving · 27/11/2023 09:34

I don't know many couples who have never married. I'm in my 30s and most of us are married or on the path to marriage / engaged. We don't have long term partners in our friend circle.

I believe it's because some people don't believe in marriage or want to protect their assets or just werent asked (it's awful when the woman wants to but the men doesn't want to commit especially when kids are involved imo) especially if the women decides to not pursue a career but look after the home and children.

Goodornot · 27/11/2023 09:40

SheTookChances · 27/11/2023 09:33

@Goodornot Why would the house be in his name? 🤪

Don't pull stupid faces...you see it time and again on here.

PuttingDownRoots · 27/11/2023 09:41

Tbh... although obviously I do love DH a lot, the actual marriage is more about legal stuff than love.

DH is Army. Although its changed slightly now, when we were younger the Army only really recognised marriage (then CP) as being in a relationship. Housing, death in service, even the citizenship rights of our DD needed us to be married. Plus the acknowledgement that being a military spouse can kill your own career in many cases.

Other Friends have married for visa reasons... wanting to live and work abroad is easier in some countries as a married rather than unmarried couple.

Marriage should be a choice. Maybe someone could create an app whete a couple can put in their individual circumstances and they could work out whether marriage or non marriage is better for them

PuttingDownRoots · 27/11/2023 09:43

Also... remember you can change a will at any time. I could cut out DH from my individual assets whenever I wanted... I wouldn't but I could!

Eigen · 27/11/2023 09:45

LaurieStrode · 26/11/2023 18:36

Well stated, @ByGrabtharsHammarWhatASaving

That's why women with few assets and low earning power are foolish to have kids out of wedlock.

Strongly agree. Really wish people were more upfront with women about this (although if they’re young and stupid enough to do it then they probably wouldn’t listen anyway…)

CurlewKate · 27/11/2023 09:49

@notanothernana "It's sad. We got married in order to start a family from a secure base and i was a SAHM for 10 years."

Nothing sad about it. I chose my children's father as well as I possibly could to "start our family from a secure base" There is nothing magic about a wedding ring.

Coolblur · 27/11/2023 09:57

I was always told it was best to do so for security for you and any children. But it wasn't for me.
It depends on your situation. If you are the main or only earner and hold all the assets, financially it's not a good idea to get married.
Marriage is a partnership contract and requires trust on both sides. The problems come when one party doesn't keep their side of the bargain and an imbalance is created that wasn't agreed.
I would recommend being able to financially support yourself. Never give up that security or independence. Don't rely on another person to support you, they could leave you high and dry. Be wary of supporting someone else, they may come to rely on it.
When you have kids, it's even more important to be financially secure as you have to ensure you can support them too. Far too many (women in particular) are quick to cut down thier hours, or give up on working and their careers. Many then wind up struggling alone years down the line, while their ex lives the high life.
Just be careful and do not get distracted by the romance of it all. It's a huge commitment.

ByGrabtharsHammarWhatASaving · 27/11/2023 09:58

I'll be honest, I raise an eyebrow a bit at the whole "marriage is different because it's a commitment for life" thing, because for most people that isn't really something they believe. It may be a hope and aspiration for married couples, but it's also a hope and aspiration for unmarried couples. Ultimately though most people would divorce under the same conditions unmarried couples would separate - infidelity, abuse, falling out of love, falling in love with someone else etc etc. I wonder how many people claiming they are committed for life would still choose to marry if they knew that divorce wasn't an option?

I've only known 1 person who I genuinely believed was committed to her marriage for life and she was an extremely strict Catholic. But even she still has the legal right to end her marriage if she chooses to, and she can end her relationship even sooner without ever needing to end the marriage. Her commitment comes from her beliefs, not her actual marriage contract.

My friends boyfriend, who she lives with and is pregnant by, has been separated from his wife for 3 years and seems to have no interest in getting divorced. It's not a great situation but the fact of him being married clearly means absolutely sod all in terms of a lifetime commitment.

The idea of marriage for life is sweet, but in reality most people are just married until they don't want to be any more, and the point of the marriage is just to define the terms under which they may one day separate.

threecupsofteaminimum · 27/11/2023 11:46

My brother and his gf have been together 30 odd years, 2 teenagers and haven't married, it's because my brother is weird and doesn't want any of his family present for it or that's what he said years ago anyway!

overwork · 27/11/2023 11:52

There's nothing sad about our partnership.
We won't be getting married because we are equal partners, nothing about being someone's wife, and the traditional elements involved in most weddings, support that thinking.
I own our flat, I get earn more and my pension will be what we live off when we retire as it will far out perform his. Our child has both our surnames.
I love him wholeheartedly, he is a wonderful father and my life partner (so far as one can ever tell!) and we have a very solid relationship base from which to raise our child, we don't need a written contract to prove that to others.
That said, I love a good wedding, and so long as they go into it knowing what it really entails, happily celebrate my friends weddings.

Orangello · 27/11/2023 12:40

We got married in order to start a family from a secure base and i was a SAHM for 10 years. The general vibe of this thread is that people are not to be trusted and "what's mine is mine".

If people could be trusted, you wouldn't need to be married to be financially more secure. The working partner would simply recognise that their earnings are family money and the non-working partner who has been taking care of the home and kids, has an equal right to the assets. So when they break up, the working partner will happily share all that with the other, right, even though they have no legal reason to?

Refbuckethat · 27/11/2023 13:09

ByGrabtharsHammarWhatASaving · 27/11/2023 09:58

I'll be honest, I raise an eyebrow a bit at the whole "marriage is different because it's a commitment for life" thing, because for most people that isn't really something they believe. It may be a hope and aspiration for married couples, but it's also a hope and aspiration for unmarried couples. Ultimately though most people would divorce under the same conditions unmarried couples would separate - infidelity, abuse, falling out of love, falling in love with someone else etc etc. I wonder how many people claiming they are committed for life would still choose to marry if they knew that divorce wasn't an option?

I've only known 1 person who I genuinely believed was committed to her marriage for life and she was an extremely strict Catholic. But even she still has the legal right to end her marriage if she chooses to, and she can end her relationship even sooner without ever needing to end the marriage. Her commitment comes from her beliefs, not her actual marriage contract.

My friends boyfriend, who she lives with and is pregnant by, has been separated from his wife for 3 years and seems to have no interest in getting divorced. It's not a great situation but the fact of him being married clearly means absolutely sod all in terms of a lifetime commitment.

The idea of marriage for life is sweet, but in reality most people are just married until they don't want to be any more, and the point of the marriage is just to define the terms under which they may one day separate.

Your friend needs to realise that if her partner dies, the wife gets everything.
I have seen it several times.

ManAboutTown · 27/11/2023 13:18

Inheritance - married couples can inherit from one another without inheritance tax. In this day and age just owning your own house outright often brings that into play

CurlewKate · 27/11/2023 13:21

"Inheritance - married couples can inherit from one another without inheritance tax. In this day and age just owning your own house outright often brings that into play"

It really doesn't, you know.

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