Why would you not get married?

[HiMyNamesLee]

when couples have been together for years on end and have children, have a house together etc. just wondering why they don’t want to get married when for all intents and purposes they basically are? Are there benefits to not being married in this scenario? And please don’t say expense because you can have a registry wedding for very cheap

I've been with my partner over 30 years (kids house ect) but why would I want to get married 🤷‍♀️
I'm not a traditionalist,I'm not religious so I didn't bother.

I'm a widow
So emotionally not ready or financially but in a committed long term relationship - he also has kids and the financial side would be risky I feel, I worked hard for what I have and wouldn't be prepared to risk loss if the relationship broke down.

Everyone has their reasons

Exactly

I don’t like all the attention and the family would be upset if we did something without them

For me it's about the commitment to each other, to face life as a team. No reason why you can't make that commitment without marriage if it works for you, but for me and DH it means a lot. Also, as much of a feminist as I claim to be, my maiden name was shit. 😁

Nonsense.

Why do you think they should OP?

I'm married, have been since I was 21 and whilst I don't regret it at all, I often think 'why' did we bother?! Because it changes nothing! I am glad I changed my name to is and I couldn't care less about the patriarchal argument that some people fixate on that but other than that it's the only thing that changed and I could have done that by deed pole anyway!

It's not to do woth love then is it? It's to do with law.

Also my friend is married as husband had bad credit years ago and wants good mortgage deals. Ssys she has left it to him in her will anyway.

I won’t get married I don’t think. Neither one of us fussed. We have LPA in place, mirror wills and both on mortgage and deeds (as joint tenants, so property goes to each other). He’s listed as my next of kin with the GP and I carry a card stating that, as does he. Joint account, joint savings. I can access everything as can he. We don’t need it.

For me marriage was the final piece of my chapter. It was committing to each other properly (for me) sharing a special day with all my friends and family to share our day celebrating our love and commitment to each other 🥰 it was also a way of taking on his surname so the whole household had the same name, but instead of doing it by deed poll in my eyes it was a celebrated way if that makes sense. Plus for me it we also me committing to him for life and sharing that with everyone too. Everyone looks at marriage differently.

Although my marriage ended in a really hard way, I do not regret it but saying that I wouldn't get married again.

But that was why I got married. 😊

We will eventually get married. Probably in our 60s when we do but right now there is no point. Both earn a lot and we have assets that are our own and we have a teen each.

Tax wise it makes no sense either.

I have two sets of friends who recently had Civil Partnerships rather than getting married because of the outdated patriarchal notions of the latter. Seems a good compromise if you want the legal protection of marriage.
I won't marry again unless there are real legal benefits for me. If you end up divorced as the higher earner there are no real benefits to marriage and lots of downsides. If you're the lower earner or have fewer assets it's a good idea.

Well, @CurlewKate is absolutely right. Marriage is definitely patriarchal even a registry one because the history, principle and laws around a marriage are entrenched in patriarchy, i think to say otherwise shows ignorance. We should accept that sometimes patriarchy can work in the women's favour financially. Marriage essentially goes against feminism but when there are advantages to getting married, many feminists gloss over this.

Marriage is generally detrimental to women, they take on more emotional labour, men feel more legitimized in doing less round the house etc. married women are less happy than single women.

Also you're putting your assets at risk by marrying,

The mumsnet myth that it 'protects' you is only true if you give up work, in which case it offers a tiny bit more protection. But much better to protect your share the house and keep working.

Marriage perpetuates the patriarchy

Always curious why people DONT care about the 'patriarchal argument' given the patriarchy is responsible for so much female suffering all the over world

Marriage introduces a government contract into your relationship. And a shit load of paperwork if it doesn't work out coupled with the opportunity to lose more than you started with in the process.

Easy to see why plenty don't bother...

@HouseChainDrama

Because I wanted to change my name, me! My husband couldn't have given a shit whether I did or I didn't but I wanted to. I like it. It was important to me. If I had not changed my name because other women were telling me not to then I'd have simply been doing something I didn't want to do and then that defeats the point of free thinking and one's own autonomy to do what they want to - the flip side of the argument I suppose. I have been told in the past I must have changed it due to some internal, subconscious submission to the patriarchy and well, those people are wrong. I simply really wanted to!

You've looked at inheritance tax?

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g "Nonsense"
<shrugs>

You're not talking about marriage, you're talking about any committed heterosexual relationship where the partners cohabit, surely. Marriage is simply about getting legal recognition that the relationship exists and giving each partner status in the other's life and defined rights and responsibilities in relation to the other partner enforceable in law. It was patriarchal in Jane Austen's time when a father or male relative gave permission for a woman to marry, but it's only an instrument of the patriarchy now if the parties allow it to be. My marriage hasn't been oppressive, quite the contrary.

Fair enough. That was a bit abrupt. Morning tea had not kicked in, so apologies for that.

That's as far as I got as I entirely agree.

Sometimes the woman doesn't know if they split she gets none of his house and money. Better she hasn't stopped working to raise his children.

Because if we broke up, I don't want him taking half my pension and half my house. Marriage isn't romantic. It's a financial agreement. It's a financial agreement that can make the higher earner extremely vulnerable.

I have too many friends who ended up forking out £20-30k to get divorced. Why would I want that if we split up? Both have jobs and mirror wills etc

I can’t think of a good enough reason to get married. We both have the funds to live independently of each other if needed and we have POAs and Wills in place which covers some of the legal side.

marriage feels like a very outdated concept to me I do however feel as if UK law needs to be updated to reflect new times.