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Original poster

I think DH has a thing for this woman

91 replies

Oliveandrose · 26/11/2023 00:19

And should I be worried or just pass it off as a harmless crush?

I’ve been with DH for 11 years, married 9. Always been secure, we both have friends of opposite sex and have a loving relationship.

There’s a woman who he occasionally works with, maybe once every 4-6 months. He never mentions her but I’ve seen how he looks at her. He’s googled her and searched for her on FB.

Last year Xmas party, I was talking to some of his colleagues across the room. He was walking to me but locked eyes with her totally fixated and as he walked straight passed her he looked down her dress.

This years Xmas party which was tonight he kept looking at her all night thinking I couldn’t tell. He’s usually an extrovert but when she came to speak with us he was like a shy teenager and kept rambling on nonsense. It’s humiliating. She is out of his league and I’m sure he knows this and realises he doesn’t have a chance in hell. But what if he did? Or do I just have it all wrong? She is such a pleasant young woman and seems to have good morals, so I trust her. Not him. I’ve never had reason before to not trust him but now I’m so confused 😕

OP posts:
Jewelspun · 26/11/2023 00:22

It's possible he's just captivated by her because she is good looking and charming.

Or he is fantasising about her and imagining being inappropriate with her.

It doesn't sound like she would be interested in him if he is always mooning around her like a love sick puppy.

Opentooffers · 26/11/2023 00:51

Hmm... unlikely to come to anything, but I get it's a kick in the stomach if your other half is drooling over someone else, even though he's no chance.
That would annoy me enough to think what's good for the goose. While he's distracted at the party, I'd look around and chat to whoever seemed appealing. Might seem petty, but it beats watching him, watching her all the time and seething. Do your own thing while he moons.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 26/11/2023 00:52

Definitely don't think anything will come of it. So at least there is that.

But I would definitely be worried that my partner had eyes for someone else, and was making it obvious.

At least keep it to yourself eh? 🤣

Honestly. Me being me, and I know not everyone is like this but I am just honest and would tell DH how it is, that he humiliated me yet again and he needs to either leave me if he's unhappy or bloody reign it in.

HelenaCh9 · 26/11/2023 01:02

There is nothing wrong with finding someone else attractive, and some people are naturally appealing to others (you have said complimentary things about the woman yourself in your post) but when you’re in a relationship, making it obvious is disrespectful and embarrassing. It may have made her feel awkward too. Other people at the party may have noticed. It’s not on.

Original poster
Oliveandrose · 26/11/2023 01:03

When I say she’s pretty he pretends he hasn’t ever noticed. Insult to my intelligence. If I mention he was looking he just says he wasn’t and she’s not his type. She’s the younger and hotter version of me. I just feel such a frump. And so stupid that he acts like this.

OP posts:
StBrides · 26/11/2023 01:03

Call him out on it.

Maybe nothing will come of it or maybe he'll do something stupid in a moment of madness.

He think he's being subtle and is the only one who knows he has a crush. He needs to be told how wrong he is, how humiliating, disrespectful and hurtful it is to you.

Crushes happen, not great but they do happen and you can't really control a crush much. You can control how you deal with it and he needs to be reminded of this.

Keep it straightforward op, and pull him up on it.

StBrides · 26/11/2023 01:05

Oliveandrose · 26/11/2023 01:03

When I say she’s pretty he pretends he hasn’t ever noticed. Insult to my intelligence. If I mention he was looking he just says he wasn’t and she’s not his type. She’s the younger and hotter version of me. I just feel such a frump. And so stupid that he acts like this.

To which you call him out again on a gaslighting lie and tell him to cut it out.

He's in control of how he handles this- tell him exactly that. Straight up: he can choose to behave like a dick, gaslight you, fawn over her and veer into dangerous territory or he can't be an adult, treat you and your relationship with respect.

WandaWonder · 26/11/2023 01:13

Oliveandrose · 26/11/2023 01:03

When I say she’s pretty he pretends he hasn’t ever noticed. Insult to my intelligence. If I mention he was looking he just says he wasn’t and she’s not his type. She’s the younger and hotter version of me. I just feel such a frump. And so stupid that he acts like this.

Tell him he is acting like a twat but this back and forth mind games makes you as bad as each other, why the need to say she is pretty? If you are testing him I doubt you will get what you are wanting in return

Just talk

Original poster
Oliveandrose · 26/11/2023 01:27

WandaWonder · 26/11/2023 01:13

Tell him he is acting like a twat but this back and forth mind games makes you as bad as each other, why the need to say she is pretty? If you are testing him I doubt you will get what you are wanting in return

Just talk

Show quote history

It’s not back and forth mind games. When he eye fucked her last year, on the way home I said “isn’t Suzanne pretty”. That’s the only time I’ve ever said that. He said he hadn’t noticed and I said that he was looking at her. Which he denied.

I didn’t even say anything tonight

OP posts:
StBrides · 26/11/2023 01:30

Oliveandrose · 26/11/2023 01:27

It’s not back and forth mind games. When he eye fucked her last year, on the way home I said “isn’t Suzanne pretty”. That’s the only time I’ve ever said that. He said he hadn’t noticed and I said that he was looking at her. Which he denied.

I didn’t even say anything tonight

Show quote history

Ha! So did Alan Rickmans character in love actually and look how that turned out!

He knows what he's doing, he just doesn't want to admit it.

JasonJuly · 26/11/2023 01:50

Oliveandrose · 26/11/2023 01:27

It’s not back and forth mind games. When he eye fucked her last year, on the way home I said “isn’t Suzanne pretty”. That’s the only time I’ve ever said that. He said he hadn’t noticed and I said that he was looking at her. Which he denied.

I didn’t even say anything tonight

Show quote history

Sounds like just a crush he has, that’s why he goes speechless when she’s around. Even if he does fancy her, he can’t have her and it will pass as she clearly isn’t interested anyway.

Is everything else between you and him ok?

haribosmarties · 26/11/2023 03:22

Please stop giving this thought. Maybe he finds her attractive but so what? Do you think they are likely to have an affair? It doesn't sound like you do think that's likely.. it doesn't sound like there's any evidence he's actually contacted her or tries to meet her alone or anything...
Maybe he has a crush on her. That sometimes happens in life. But it's not reality. He barely knows her. And you say your relationship is good. You needn't feel threatened by this. Unless you think he actually intends to act on finding her attractive?
It sounds tho like he doesn't even quite realise.

Original poster
Oliveandrose · 26/11/2023 05:29

haribosmarties · 26/11/2023 03:22

Please stop giving this thought. Maybe he finds her attractive but so what? Do you think they are likely to have an affair? It doesn't sound like you do think that's likely.. it doesn't sound like there's any evidence he's actually contacted her or tries to meet her alone or anything...
Maybe he has a crush on her. That sometimes happens in life. But it's not reality. He barely knows her. And you say your relationship is good. You needn't feel threatened by this. Unless you think he actually intends to act on finding her attractive?
It sounds tho like he doesn't even quite realise.

I accept that we all find others attractive while in a relationship. But this is beyond that, I think. I honestly think if she wanted to peruse anything then he’d go along with it. He looks at her like he used to look at me. Women in the past who he’s been attracted to he’s not been like this. So forgive me for giving it head space but aside from feeling shitty and inadequate, I feel I’ve discovered a new side to my DH that I didn’t know existed. Especially as it’s been over a year now.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 26/11/2023 05:44

You need to tackle this asap, @Oliveandrose.

Your H has been greatly disrespecting you by blatantly gawking at this colleague in public. She and the others will have noticed. You can be sure that his drooling isn’t limited to the Christmas parties.

I wouldn’t tolerate this utter disregard and humiliation, or his feigned cluelessness. He can gaslight you and deny his ogling til he’s blue in the face, but he knows very well that he only had eyes for her. Most importantly, you know what you saw at both gatherings. Your mentioning it last year made no difference to him, so he proceeded to moon over her again in front of you and everyone else, making you an object of gossip and pity.

I couldn’t trust, respect, or stay with a man who feels entitled to make a fool of me.

MikeRafone · 26/11/2023 05:50

I’d come out and say

you couldn’t take your eyes off Suzanna tonight, do you behave like a live lien puppy at work?

strawberrysea · 26/11/2023 05:58

I'm really sorry, this sounds horrible for you.

I would talk to him about it more seriously and explain how it makes you feel.

It's normal to be attracted to more than one person but it's completely inappropriate to be leering and flirting with someone as a married man.

StepRose · 26/11/2023 05:59

Ask him. You say you have a good relationship otherwise so to stop the worry, pose the question. I've been with my partner for 10 years and I've found other people attractive but it's never been enough to diminish the love I have for him.

I'd never eye someone up in front of him. If your partner is doing that, it's disrespectful and you should make it clear that if you were to do the same, it would make them feel awful.

Petallove · 26/11/2023 06:14

I’d call him out on it. Mention last year and this year. I would say if I can see it I’m sure everyone else can too. We all have attraction moments but looking down her dress is a step too far. It sounds like it’s him and not her.

butterbean59 · 26/11/2023 06:54

My ex would gawp like this and it was so humiliating.

I would have a chat and tell him how shitty it made you feel and how you know he’s been searching her and how you also know if she were to instigate anything he’d be off with her. He will probably poo-poo everything you say but at least he knows you know and are onto him.

Honestly men drive me mad!! Why not just be happy with what you have 😡

MsDogLady · 26/11/2023 07:09

I honestly think if she wanted to pursue anything then he’d go along with it. He looks at her like he used to look at me. Women in the past who he’s been attracted to he’s not acted like this.

I feel I’ve discovered a new side to my DH that I didn’t know existed.

You must feel crushed, @Oliveandrose. He sounds obsessed and is acting on it via the repeated all-night salivating and starathons, and his google/FB searches. I cringe to think of his behavior when he and Suzanne work together.

Find your anger. His trampling of boundaries and callous disregard for you and your feelings need to be addressed.

evryevrytime · 26/11/2023 07:18

You really need to talk to him about it. Tell him that you've noticed and how it makes you feel. He'll probably deny it all but at least he can try to make it less obvious. He is being very disrespectful to you drooling all over her.

orangeginaa · 26/11/2023 07:24

He probably does fancy her. Follow your gut.
That doesn't mean he'll do anything. Do you trust him?
Have you talked to him about it?

Teatrayderby · 26/11/2023 07:30

I would explain that he's embarrassing himself and coming across like a middle aged letch. In his head he probably pictures himself as a spritely 20 year old so burst his bubble!

JaneAustensHeroine · 26/11/2023 07:33

Oh OP, I’d find this upsetting too. And it would make me angry.

I’d have to have a serious conversation with him about it. I’d be clear that if I have noticed it then so have others and looking at her the way he does is inappropriate. He has a choice about how he behaves and if he doesn’t want to be seen as inappropriate then he needs to make different choices. I would be clear that it’s embarrassing behaviour to observe from an adult and to please stop, right now.

Good luck OP. Look after yourself first and foremost. If you are feeling frumpy then make some changes in your style / hair / make up. Small changes can make a huge difference.

BrendaBicycle · 26/11/2023 07:33

So he has a crush

it’s sad he’s lying about it in that way

tell him it’s SO obvious, that it makes you feel like a fool, and that if this crush now stands in the way of him loving you that’s that

is he still acting nice and loving to you? Fancy you etc?