I think DH has a thing for this woman

[Oliveandrose]

And should I be worried or just pass it off as a harmless crush?

I’ve been with DH for 11 years, married 9. Always been secure, we both have friends of opposite sex and have a loving relationship.

There’s a woman who he occasionally works with, maybe once every 4-6 months. He never mentions her but I’ve seen how he looks at her. He’s googled her and searched for her on FB.

Last year Xmas party, I was talking to some of his colleagues across the room. He was walking to me but locked eyes with her totally fixated and as he walked straight passed her he looked down her dress.

This years Xmas party which was tonight he kept looking at her all night thinking I couldn’t tell. He’s usually an extrovert but when she came to speak with us he was like a shy teenager and kept rambling on nonsense. It’s humiliating. She is out of his league and I’m sure he knows this and realises he doesn’t have a chance in hell. But what if he did? Or do I just have it all wrong? She is such a pleasant young woman and seems to have good morals, so I trust her. Not him. I’ve never had reason before to not trust him but now I’m so confused 😕

I don't know what you can do @Fusterclucked beyond watch him very carefully. I'm so sorry, it must really hurt.

Sorry tagged the wrong person! @Oliveandrose

How many of these ‘crushes’ has he had? It’s normal to find other people attractive, it’s human nature after all, but he sounds like teenage boy unable to control himself.
He’s taking you for a fool if he dismisses your concerns, disrespectful in fact. Remind him of what he has to lose if one of these crushes looks back and he acts upon it.

Why do men say this "she not my type"? So if she was his type when then...

Why can he say " yea she's attractive, but I would never go there because I love you"?

I mean reading what you've written your the one making an issue about it lol. Don't see the problem so what if he likes her look. The problem is your not his!

Wow great advice hun! 🤣🤣🤣 what is with others on this site being soo rude? What happened to kindness? Honestly this is about asking for advice yet people have to leave shitty remarks and comments all the time it's actually disgusting 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄

Very good point, they're just so self centered

Looking down a woman’s dress at a work function?? Nope I would have been petty and tried to humiliate him by saying I overheard a couple women in the ladies room laughing about him and calling him a dirty old man! Because he is. Creep. Other colleagues may have noticed his behaviour.

How do you know about all the other crushes he has had over the years and how do you know they weren't affairs? Even if they weren't affairs they are still a humiliating betrayal. Very weird.

I don’t feel bad because he’s found someone else attractive and has a crush. I feel mortified because he’s looking at her like he loves her. They’re the same looks he used to have for me. I honestly just feel so crushed and sad. It’s humiliating

Can you tell him this? Don't give him a chance to say she's not my type etc. Stick to the facts of what you have observed and how it makes you feel. Do not use humour or blame.

It's a shit feeling but you do need to talk calmly to him about it or it'll fester and drive you mad.

@Oliveandrose this sounds very painful, I'm really sorry.

Tell him how he makes you feel.
My ex was a fucker for checking out other women and one night in the pub I said, "shall I pass her your number?" And he apologised.
He didn't stop though and even though I was young and hot, I felt really shit about myself with him. If DH doesn't do something to make you feel special and like he's actually sorry, then you have a bigger problem than him thirsting over her, his denial and unaccountability (I don't think that's a word, but I'm sure you get me) are more problematic than a crush. I hope he grows a set and really pulls out the stops to make you feel loved and gorgeous x

My DP works with a stunning woman who's a little older than us and she's lovely, he brings her home sometimes for a brew to see me and have cuddles with our baby before he takes her home. She's got zero confidence because the blokes are a bit letchy with her, I say bit, one particular pleb sniffed her seat when she went the bathroom, the other women are jealous of her.
English isn't her first language so things can get lost in translation. It's shit for attractive women in the workspace, they just can't fucking win.

Sorry OP, what a horrible situation to be in.

I'd honestly take a hard line at his feigned innocence and say something like 'it's blatantly obvious you fancy Suzanne. You humiliated both of us at these Christmas parties and are making an absolute fool of yourself. It stops now or you can just leave. I won't have a husband that is mooning over another woman. I'm worth much more than that'

Stop pussyfooting around with comments on how attractive she is. You both know what's going on here

OP, there’s no doubt that this is heartbreaking to you, I can understand that. What I don’t understand is why you’re not engaging with the advice to call your husband out and be extremely plain with how you notice his behaviour, how it makes you feel and how you expect him to adjust it as a married man and actively makes steps to prioritise you over a crush.

I do not understand the worth of a relationship of 11 years if you cannot have this serious conversation with him.

While I don't disagree with that approach, @XiCi , the risk is that he might take OP up on it, unlikely though it is. I think OP needs to get strategic and if she does decide to deliver an ultimatum, she will have to mean it and be ready for all possible consequences.
What does seem clear is that if OP continues to do nothing different, then the behaviour will continue. And that is an intolerable scenario.

Just tell him

you can see he has a major crush on this woman
and it makes you feel like total shit

And that it’s playing at your mind and making you question your marriage

say something and make your upset and discomfort clear to him

what have you got to lose.

I agree @barbarahunter . Though if he was making it so blatantly obvious that would be intolerable to me and I'd mean it. And if he did take her up on the offer then that says something about the state of the marriage. We probably all have little crushes during long marriages but to make it so clear and obvious at this age is just ridiculous and let's face it she, and all of his other colleagues would have noticed. Just totally unacceptable.

He's married and not dead. He's allowed to find someone else attractive. He's allowed to look (discreetly). He isn't allowed to touch or act of his dick twitch. Your hurt because you recognise the look but you have no evidence that he has or would actually do anything.

But he's not being discreet at all, in fact he's embarrassing himself, disrespecting his wife and probably making this poor colleague uncomfortable too

He's not looking discreetly though!!!

This is exactly the approach to take
The man is disrespecting his wife .

it's disrespectful to you for him to carry on this way.
I'd be laying it on the line...stop ogling and drooling after this woman when you're with me.

He's acting like a teenager with a crush.

Yes it’s a weird thing to say, as if not being his type is the reason he wouldn’t do anything.

I am the woman in this scenario. I am by no means hot or charming, I just happen to be the only young woman this man has any exposure to at work (male dominated industry). I can tell you that being checked out by a middle-aged man at work is beyond embarrassing and really unprofessional. In my case he is much older (17 years) which makes it even more cringey.

What I will say is that OP needs to nip this in the bud ASAP. The old guy I work with has progressed from checking me out to chatting to me about personal things. I have ZERO interest. It’s really difficult to navigate as I don’t want to draw attention to it, but I am looking to leave the company soon (unrelated reasons) so I’m just biting my tongue for now.

The most striking thing is how perfect this man’s life seems to be - lovely wife, great kids, affluent lifestyle, etc. Why chat up a young female colleague? I mean, seriously, why would you?

Back to the OP, I agree with PP, trust your gut and keep confronting him about this. It is likely to develop from merely looking inappropriately at this woman.

I’m not sure how you can continue knowing he’d cheat if he could and you need to rely on other women saying no to keep him faithful.

It is likely to develop from merely looking inappropriately at this woman

what the hell. Because every woman just says yes if a man is persistent enough. Is it fuck likely to develop. How often does the op have ti write the woman isn’t the issue.