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Original poster

I think DH has a thing for this woman

91 replies

Oliveandrose · 26/11/2023 00:19

And should I be worried or just pass it off as a harmless crush?

I’ve been with DH for 11 years, married 9. Always been secure, we both have friends of opposite sex and have a loving relationship.

There’s a woman who he occasionally works with, maybe once every 4-6 months. He never mentions her but I’ve seen how he looks at her. He’s googled her and searched for her on FB.

Last year Xmas party, I was talking to some of his colleagues across the room. He was walking to me but locked eyes with her totally fixated and as he walked straight passed her he looked down her dress.

This years Xmas party which was tonight he kept looking at her all night thinking I couldn’t tell. He’s usually an extrovert but when she came to speak with us he was like a shy teenager and kept rambling on nonsense. It’s humiliating. She is out of his league and I’m sure he knows this and realises he doesn’t have a chance in hell. But what if he did? Or do I just have it all wrong? She is such a pleasant young woman and seems to have good morals, so I trust her. Not him. I’ve never had reason before to not trust him but now I’m so confused 😕

OP posts:
C1N1C · 26/11/2023 07:40

All guesswork above... might be something, might not. The question is more about how good your relationship is. Both men and women look, even those happy in relationships. If you're still happy, talk a lot, laugh, plan things together etc, make love... I don't know, the things that happy people do in relationships... then it's just an acknowledgement of beauty.

TheresaOfAvila · 26/11/2023 07:43

Have you gently teased him for being obvious? When you try to break it down, it seems to me that

  1. He has a crush on her, you can’t stop that.
  2. you have noticed it and pity him being so love sick
  3. you wonder how he behaves at work- is it being reciprocated into a relationship
  4. even if it isn’t reciprocated, him making a fool of you at work isn’t acceptable.

Fundamentally, if he can’t keep his fantasy life inside his head then he has to deal with whatever consequences come his way. But he has moved out of the consequences-free zone.

Original poster
Oliveandrose · 26/11/2023 07:45

Yes we have a very great relationship, sex often. I know he fancies me too but it’s crushing when he’s acting like a bumbling Hugh Grant when he’s usually so composed, all because of her.

And it’s not her fault at all. She seems a really nice lady. I do trust she wouldn’t go there. I do think he would if she were to offer it to him on a plate.

I don’t feel bad because he’s found someone else attractive and has a crush. I feel mortified because he’s looking at her like he loves her. They’re the same looks he used to have for me. I honestly just feel so crushed and sad. It’s humiliating. The only saving grace is that I don’t believe anyone else noticed.

I noticed too he kind of hovers around where she’d be but found it difficult to interact with her. A couple of times if she approached the group who he’d be standing with to socialise, he’d kind of turn his back to shun her. I noticed that and she did too. I’m only just remembering this now. Do you think there could be more to it? Oh god I just really am blindsided. He isn’t like this. This isn’t the man I know. I just feel sick this morning.

OP posts:
JaneAustensHeroine · 26/11/2023 07:53

I would tell him loudly and clearly how his behaviour has impacted on you (and how ridiculous it is for an adult to behave in that way). I would then direct my attention onto myself - finding ways to make myself feel better - whatever that is. You are currently directing a lot of attention and energy onto him. Direct it to yourself. But I would definitely address it with him first and be clear that behaving like this is not going to end well - for him or for your marriage.

I’m sorry this has happened OP but try to remember that this is NOT a reflection on you or your marriage. It’s all a reflection on HIM.

DoubleTime · 26/11/2023 07:55

How do you know he's been googling her and looking for her on facebook ? Can you bring that up with him ?

SplendidUtterly · 26/11/2023 08:07

She surely must have noticed him acting like this around her?
It sounds like he has a massive crush on her but she is having none of it.

Riverlee · 26/11/2023 08:08

I think we’ve all looked up people on Facebook at some time. A one off occurrence wouldn’t bother me.

is there any signs of communication between them?

If he gawps again, can you do a twinkly laugh and call him out. Say you noticed he was glancing at her like a teenager having a crush etc?

Daffodilsandtuplips · 26/11/2023 08:15

I’d tell him “You’re drooling, put your tongue away, anyone would think you have a thing for her, the way you’re eying her up” “You don’t think people have noticed. Well if I have so have others and so will she”

Usernamechange1234 · 26/11/2023 08:20

There’s so much in your posts that worries me. You’re basically saying he won’t get the chance because she is gatekeeping his behaviour.

No wonder you’re feeling awful if that’s truly how you feel.

Aside from the fact I sadly know of several affairs between older men/younger women who the wives would have classed as ‘out of their league’, the fact that you believe he would if he had the chance is enough here for a serious conversation.

I’d be making it clear his gaslighting nonsense is unacceptable, that you can see what he’s doing and it’s utterly pathetic. That you won’t tolerate his clear disrespect of you and your marriage.

willWillSmithsmith · 26/11/2023 08:23

Daffodilsandtuplips · 26/11/2023 08:15

I’d tell him “You’re drooling, put your tongue away, anyone would think you have a thing for her, the way you’re eying her up” “You don’t think people have noticed. Well if I have so have others and so will she”

I think this is a perfect response.

Original poster
Oliveandrose · 26/11/2023 08:23

I’m almost certain if she would ‘allow’ an affair, it would happen.

He has had other crushes in the past but I don’t think he would have acted on any of them. It sounds mad when I write it out but you should see the way he looked at her.

She isn’t a younger women. She’s only 5 years younger than him.

I feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out my sails because the man I always trusted showed me a new version of himself and it’s just made a joke of our marriage

OP posts:
Original poster
Oliveandrose · 26/11/2023 08:26

I know if I said to him “put your tongue away…” he’d feign innocence. He’s already proclaimed the “she’s not my type”.
He is stubborn and wouldn’t admit to this as this one seems different. Usually if he or I have a crush we’ll admit it and tease one another. That’s what makes me think is this more? Or am I just imagining things?

OP posts:
Usernamechange1234 · 26/11/2023 08:37

Sorry I must have misread the ‘younger’ bit.

You describe a very stable marriage with opposite sex friends that’s never caused a problem. You don’t sound on your posts like the type of woman who becomes overly jealous and insecure (although ime this is usually driven by disrespectful men), you sound like someone level headed whose spidey senses are going off the scale.

Please trust your judgement and yourself. Your subconscious is trying to keep you ‘safe’, listen to it and act accordingly. Don’t let him gaslight you and make out you’re the ‘crazy’ one!

MikeRafone · 26/11/2023 08:38

No you’re not imagining

and so what if he denies it, out loud he can do that

but I’d add in at this point

well you could have fooled everyone else in the room as they’re as convinced as I am you’ve got an almighty crush, how embarrassing for you

it will sow the seed it’s obvious, regardless of what he says to you out loud

Orio2023 · 26/11/2023 08:54

A couple of times if she approached the group who he’d be standing with to socialise, he’d kind of turn his back to shun her

Sorry to say but I would want to verify independently that they are not having an affair. That behaviour is very concerning.

If he is gawking at her and doing love looks in a group setting what is he like when they’re on their own? He’s been this way with her for over a year. He is either the office weirdo and risking his job by gawking or she is consenting to these interactions.

And how on earth can you tell from a few brief interactions that she has good morals? I wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour at work from him. Would you?

Fusterclucked · 26/11/2023 08:57

I would use humour, make it clear to him you know he has this schoolboy crush, laugh about it, point out that, to her, he’s an older creepy idiot. Crushes are fine and natural so don’t make a big deal or give him reason to think you are jealous as this may make him think his feelings come with a chance. Take the piss out of him

Original poster
Oliveandrose · 26/11/2023 09:01

Orio2023 · 26/11/2023 08:54

A couple of times if she approached the group who he’d be standing with to socialise, he’d kind of turn his back to shun her

Sorry to say but I would want to verify independently that they are not having an affair. That behaviour is very concerning.

If he is gawking at her and doing love looks in a group setting what is he like when they’re on their own? He’s been this way with her for over a year. He is either the office weirdo and risking his job by gawking or she is consenting to these interactions.

And how on earth can you tell from a few brief interactions that she has good morals? I wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour at work from him. Would you?

He only sees her probably twice a year at work as she lives the other side of the country. I don’t think anything is going on but my imagination is running wild.

She’s deeply religious and I know her ex husband cheated on her, she seems a woman’s woman. I do have good judgement and I feel she is trustworthy. She seems innocent in this. She is nice to talk to. I think sometimes you just know. She lives hundreds of miles away and cares for her sick mother. It’s not her.

It is all him. Sadly. I think he shuns her because he doesn’t want to make an idiot of himself or he doesn’t want her to know he has an enormous crush on her so is desperately trying to hide it. I did mention Suzanne this morning and he acted nonchalant. Fucking men. I’m usually so confident in myself and our marriage, this aches.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oliveandrose · 26/11/2023 09:01

Fusterclucked · 26/11/2023 08:57

I would use humour, make it clear to him you know he has this schoolboy crush, laugh about it, point out that, to her, he’s an older creepy idiot. Crushes are fine and natural so don’t make a big deal or give him reason to think you are jealous as this may make him think his feelings come with a chance. Take the piss out of him

This won’t work, but thanks x

OP posts:
barbarahunter · 26/11/2023 09:02

My sympathies, OP, I had this happen in my relationship too, and he is now an ex for a multitude of reasons but this was one reason. I have to say, I would be suspicious too, of this back-turning business. I rather think you need to have it out with him. It's probably nothing, but I would think of the best but prepare for something else.

Fishpieandchips · 26/11/2023 09:04

Your gut is telling you something. Trust it.

Hijohn · 26/11/2023 09:35

It’s ok to find other people attractive, I think op knows that. It’s the ogling, he’s an adult so he can reign that in, it’s disrespectful.

Hijohn · 26/11/2023 09:36

@Fusterclucked ignore this advice. It’s not ok to ogle other women at a party and then even a year later to do it again.

Lampzade · 26/11/2023 09:44

Teatrayderby · 26/11/2023 07:30

I would explain that he's embarrassing himself and coming across like a middle aged letch. In his head he probably pictures himself as a spritely 20 year old so burst his bubble!

This is the approach I would take
If you tell him that you feel uncomfortable , he will say that you are insecure.
If you tell him that he is coming across like a desperate saddo he may think twice.
He is humiliating you by drooling over another woman in your presence. I would be absolutely furious

Orio2023 · 26/11/2023 09:46

Lots of religious people cheat op. And her circumstances could easily make her vulnerable to “support” from a colleague.

It’s very strange indeed to have such intense feelings for someone you only see twice a year. The love looks you describe, along with his behaviour suggest there is, or was, some sort of emotional bond between them.

And despite the locking eyes and looking down her dress last year, she was happy to come over and chat to him, despite him still being weird and pretending to shun her.

Your husband is acting out affair behaviour, looking down her dress which is familiar and intimate behaviour. Personally I would shun an office letch who looked down my top and stared at me, but for some reason his deeply religious colleague doesn’t seem to mind.

They are both comfortable with these interactions in a group setting.

Leanne1191 · 26/11/2023 09:52

Oliveandrose · 26/11/2023 07:45

Yes we have a very great relationship, sex often. I know he fancies me too but it’s crushing when he’s acting like a bumbling Hugh Grant when he’s usually so composed, all because of her.

And it’s not her fault at all. She seems a really nice lady. I do trust she wouldn’t go there. I do think he would if she were to offer it to him on a plate.

I don’t feel bad because he’s found someone else attractive and has a crush. I feel mortified because he’s looking at her like he loves her. They’re the same looks he used to have for me. I honestly just feel so crushed and sad. It’s humiliating. The only saving grace is that I don’t believe anyone else noticed.

I noticed too he kind of hovers around where she’d be but found it difficult to interact with her. A couple of times if she approached the group who he’d be standing with to socialise, he’d kind of turn his back to shun her. I noticed that and she did too. I’m only just remembering this now. Do you think there could be more to it? Oh god I just really am blindsided. He isn’t like this. This isn’t the man I know. I just feel sick this morning.

Personally this would piss me off, why? Just because he's making it obvious and acting in a way that is disrespectful and outright shit if honest. We all have crushes and find others attractive, but most of the time it is just a crush but to blatantly do it infront of you and everyone else is just rude then to deny it to your face when you've actually seen the way he acts around this individual is just gas lighting you! Yes she's an attractive woman with good morals and a lovely personality but to be like some love sick puppy and stuff is wrong when your with someone else and they are there with you! I would talk with him and tell him how it makes you feel. I do understand why your pissed off hun as I don't think I'd be as subtle as you in this situation I'm an Aries and quite fiery and if my other half was doing that and acting like that Infront of me I'd be having words for sure!