I think I want out

[Thebabewiththepowerof]

I think this is a vent and maybe it belongs more on Aibu to want out that actually wanting out but I welcome input as I don’t have a wide circle of friends and am a little scared of making this real by actually saying it.

I've been married for 13 years. 2 children (13 and 8) I am the higher income earner. For scale I earn roughly twice what my husband does but we are not well off by modern standards. We live in a shared ownership property because our combined income is not enough for a full mortgage.

I cover the household living, bills, children’s expenses, all food shopping and a chunk towards the mortgage / rent and he, for thirteen years, has covered the housing costs. Note that the figure he pays has not changed since 2009 and any increases have come to me to make the difference.

We don't have any extravagances. Our first holiday abroad ever together was this year and that was a gift. we don’t drive brand new cars but they aren’t ropers either.

He does a lot of the kids running around, drop off and pick ups because his schedule is flexible. I am available in the holidays so no childcare needed.

He has savings. I do not. I have never been able to actually save anything because everything I earn is spent on our outgoings. I rarely have anything for myself, all my clothes are vinted (fair enough though. Love this).

I have a stronger background educationally so stands to reason I earn more (I know that’s not always the case so don’t come for me) BUT I really resent that he doesn’t try. He is self employed and I know he needs to be there for the kids but there are breakfast and after school clubs that would allow him to do more hours. He doesn’t go and find the work and if he did it would be me paying for the clubs to allow this. He uses this as an excuse. There is no entrepreneurial spirit at all to build his client base but he complains about the lack of work. I learn what I earn because I have taken opportunities present to me. I have put in the graft and the effort. He doesn’t get it. I might need to stay late for a meeting or do extra after work for a bit and all I get is “you’re late” when I come home. I’ve taken to pointing out I don’t have a curfew. That usually nips it but doesn’t stop it next time. If I were out drinking with friends after work I could sort of understand it but even then it’s passive aggressive. He doesn’t cook so I HAVE to come home and sort for the kids and us. At best he can stick a pizza in the oven if I have a late event, but I know by now he would need plenty of notice.

Basically I’m not happy. Am I being unreasonable to not be happy? I feel like I work full time and then come home and work full time and have nothing to show for it. No friends, no money, I’m worried about the cost of Christmas and basically I feel like the expectations are always on me to fund everything because, on paper I make more money. Cost of living means my expenses have skyrocketed and I have no disposable income, I’ve maxed my credit card and am thinking about selling my car for a runabout to free up some money but don’t think I should have to do this.

I think I want to leave. But how on earth to untangle this? I wouldn’t even have money for a deposit and we were lucky to get this house so I’m reluctant to give it up. I certainly wouldn’t be eligible for a mortgage solo.

To add this has been talked about and he gets really defensive and / or says about looking for another or a different job (but what about the kids…) but it never ever materialises. Also our finances have always been separate. I know that many MN think that’s bizarre but it’s just how it’s been and I suppose it’s been from a sense of protecting myself. Hasn’t really worked though has it.

TLDR: Am I being unfair to to resent my lower earning spouse for lack of contribution in our marriage

No, it’s not fair, but I assume you’ll have a bigger pension pot so he will be entitled to some of that.
I think you need to take a breath and think that, if he split everything 50:50, would that make everything better, or is it over anyway?

The pension thing is true but I still have a fair amount of my career left and have a workplace pension and also a LISA that I set up in my 30s. He doesn’t have a private pension plan (despite my asking him to sort this regularly) and I’m considering giving him an ultimatum to sort it this year. He probably thinks all I go on about is money but when you feel the bite of responsibility it’s hard not too. I don’t want him to be completely dependent upon my finances upon retirement. I want to enjoy it not be worried about money then too because I’m still paying for everything!

He’s leaching off you. The longer you stay, the more of your assets he will take. He will try and get your pension so if he has savings and you don’t, now could be a good time to see a solicitor.

Why is he saving money while you have to max out your credit card?

Your post is all about money, but what about love, friendship, togetherness - the things that make marriage worthwhile?

He's been scrounging off you for years. I'm not sure I could get past this. Absolutely try counselling but it really sounds like you're not happy and you're being taken advantage of. Good luck

When you say that he has savings, did you have a conversation before marriage that all money should become family money? What exactly is he saving for?

Sounds like the scales have been tipped in his favour for far too long. No wonder why you're fed up. He's essentially been sponging off you for years.

In my opinion it's nigh on impossible for someone as lazy as this to change their bone idleness.

Who does the house work? The school admin? Because I feel like if you posted that as a woman you were working part time to do the school run, people’s responses would be different tbh

I knew it would come across this way. I’m sure that’s what he thinks too. But sometimes money and finances actually do take priority. Love won’t pay our mortgage or for the kids Christmas presents. I don’t not love him but I have little respect for him. He can be very loving and kind. But he can also be passive aggressive and bitter. It’s hard to respect that when they don’t respect your efforts. It’s hard to respect someone when, if you go out and a bill comes, they just look at you and expect you to pay. I am aware that this is a gender role reversal and lots of people would say if I were the male and he were my wife that would be expected but those people would be wrong 🤣.

To put it into perspective, £1,000 in 2009 is now worth £1,524.86 in 2023.He's taking the absolute piss.

I do the housework (majority) he does some. I do all the admin. I even did all his family admin after a bereavement because I am the “capable” one

Sorry I’m struggling to work out how to reply to specific messages. First post and all that

Use the 3 dots and chose quote 😊

He has savings because they make him secure. It’s not a lot. A few thousand. I’m not sure of actual figure but not more than £5k

Ahhhh! Thank you x

You should not be maxing out a credit card when he has savings, that is ridiculous. Yiu need to have a serious talk with him about this. Do not buy the kids Christmas presents, your husband can do that from savings.

Could you try a joint account? It doesn't sound like he is bad with money if he has managed to save.

The responses here would 100% be different if sexes were reversed

however, it sounds like you’re done in which case an ultimatum won’t work
it be prepared to sign over higher % of joint assets inc house and pension as he’s the lower earner and will argue he’s worked around children ( to allow drop offs etc thus avoid costs of wrap around)

Leave. It will cost you upfront but long term, you will have more money and more control over your life. This would drive me nuts too.

Get out directly Christmas is out of the way. You won't regret it.

Can you open up a conversation about ‘all money is family money’ ? That £5k is only saved because of the way you have been running your finances - that really is family money and should be paying for Christmas/clearing debt.

If you can get a more equitable approach to money is there enough of the good stuff to keep the marriage going?

But his ability to save is tangentially related to my spending. It’s just default rather than an achievement. He lives and talks like he has nothing. Something as simple as me refusing to pay for Christmas would cause weeks of issues. I think I’ve just been conditioned and ground down to this being how it is.

I know. The gender thing is an issue but the skew here is that I am playing 100% provider and 75% primary caregiver. He isn’t my house husband. I come home from work and do almost all the same stuff as a full time mum. The exceptions being the fact of the school run, hoovering and loading the dishwasher. Both jobs I do deliberately badly otherwise I’d be doing them too

But does leaving mean “leaving” because this is my issue. This house was bought (or partially) on the strength of my salary and a gifted deposit from my family. I know that’s in the pot and that’s not mine now but I don’t want to lose my kids security and their home. I nearly had a breakdown getting this place. I can’t do it again

The conversation wouldn’t work. It would descend into an argument and would blow over and nothing would change. This I know to be true because it’s happened before, regularly if I’m honest. Is there enough left? Maybe. I don’t know.

I think I need a plan.

step one is to draw the line. Which I have done to be fair. Not intentionally but because the well is dry.

You’re being taken advantage of and because it’s been going on for so long then it’s just become the norm.

He doesn’t see the need to help out more, financially or with other things because he knows from experience that if he doesn’t handle it then you will so why should he bother. This is incredibly unfair on you.

If you’re the one earning the majority of the money and admin side then he should be helping out as much as he can in other areas to spread the load a bit but still doesn’t take away from the fact that he clearly does have money but chooses not to pay his share.

Try to fix things before jumping to leave. Of course he can only save because you're paying for everything, but that needs to change.

Don't under estimate having someone at home to ensure the DC are OK, I would love that.

Things need to change. Try to sort it out together.

I was in a similar position except it was a same sex relationship. I worked full time and my ex worked part time. I did all the cooking, cleaning and most of the admin. The school runs were done by either the nanny or one of us and my ex was irresponsible with money so it didn’t seem to matter how many promotions I was getting, we were still spending all the money, hardly anything was getting saved.
I supported her through a degree and I only once did something that was for me.

My advice is to leave - I was disrespected with the little things like having to constantly tidy her crap away, and spending all the money is financial abuse. I bought her out of the house and even with footing the bills I am still better off although I have to repay a big loan which I took to get her out.

I was lucky that our pensions were quite similar as I wasn’t great at building up a pension pot but I have many years left at work and I’m doing well now. I also have a LISA but I did obviously give her some money from that (not withdrawn but the cash equivalent).

In my case there was also infidelity but for me the person I became - this stressed out, worried and frustrated individual - she has gone. I feel in control of my own decisions and I get so much pleasure in overpaying my loan whilst still being able to afford the things we need.

It’s very scary to think about leaving but it was 100% the best thing to do and the love went for me - I stopped respecting the person who treated me so poorly.