I think this is a vent and maybe it belongs more on Aibu to want out that actually wanting out but I welcome input as I don’t have a wide circle of friends and am a little scared of making this real by actually saying it.
I've been married for 13 years. 2 children (13 and 8) I am the higher income earner. For scale I earn roughly twice what my husband does but we are not well off by modern standards. We live in a shared ownership property because our combined income is not enough for a full mortgage.
I cover the household living, bills, children’s expenses, all food shopping and a chunk towards the mortgage / rent and he, for thirteen years, has covered the housing costs. Note that the figure he pays has not changed since 2009 and any increases have come to me to make the difference.
We don't have any extravagances. Our first holiday abroad ever together was this year and that was a gift. we don’t drive brand new cars but they aren’t ropers either.
He does a lot of the kids running around, drop off and pick ups because his schedule is flexible. I am available in the holidays so no childcare needed.
He has savings. I do not. I have never been able to actually save anything because everything I earn is spent on our outgoings. I rarely have anything for myself, all my clothes are vinted (fair enough though. Love this).
I have a stronger background educationally so stands to reason I earn more (I know that’s not always the case so don’t come for me) BUT I really resent that he doesn’t try. He is self employed and I know he needs to be there for the kids but there are breakfast and after school clubs that would allow him to do more hours. He doesn’t go and find the work and if he did it would be me paying for the clubs to allow this. He uses this as an excuse. There is no entrepreneurial spirit at all to build his client base but he complains about the lack of work. I learn what I earn because I have taken opportunities present to me. I have put in the graft and the effort. He doesn’t get it. I might need to stay late for a meeting or do extra after work for a bit and all I get is “you’re late” when I come home. I’ve taken to pointing out I don’t have a curfew. That usually nips it but doesn’t stop it next time. If I were out drinking with friends after work I could sort of understand it but even then it’s passive aggressive. He doesn’t cook so I HAVE to come home and sort for the kids and us. At best he can stick a pizza in the oven if I have a late event, but I know by now he would need plenty of notice.
Basically I’m not happy. Am I being unreasonable to not be happy? I feel like I work full time and then come home and work full time and have nothing to show for it. No friends, no money, I’m worried about the cost of Christmas and basically I feel like the expectations are always on me to fund everything because, on paper I make more money. Cost of living means my expenses have skyrocketed and I have no disposable income, I’ve maxed my credit card and am thinking about selling my car for a runabout to free up some money but don’t think I should have to do this.
I think I want to leave. But how on earth to untangle this? I wouldn’t even have money for a deposit and we were lucky to get this house so I’m reluctant to give it up. I certainly wouldn’t be eligible for a mortgage solo.
To add this has been talked about and he gets really defensive and / or says about looking for another or a different job (but what about the kids…) but it never ever materialises. Also our finances have always been separate. I know that many MN think that’s bizarre but it’s just how it’s been and I suppose it’s been from a sense of protecting myself. Hasn’t really worked though has it.
TLDR: Am I being unfair to to resent my lower earning spouse for lack of contribution in our marriage