I think I want out

[Thebabewiththepowerof]

I think this is a vent and maybe it belongs more on Aibu to want out that actually wanting out but I welcome input as I don’t have a wide circle of friends and am a little scared of making this real by actually saying it.

I've been married for 13 years. 2 children (13 and 8) I am the higher income earner. For scale I earn roughly twice what my husband does but we are not well off by modern standards. We live in a shared ownership property because our combined income is not enough for a full mortgage.

I cover the household living, bills, children’s expenses, all food shopping and a chunk towards the mortgage / rent and he, for thirteen years, has covered the housing costs. Note that the figure he pays has not changed since 2009 and any increases have come to me to make the difference.

We don't have any extravagances. Our first holiday abroad ever together was this year and that was a gift. we don’t drive brand new cars but they aren’t ropers either.

He does a lot of the kids running around, drop off and pick ups because his schedule is flexible. I am available in the holidays so no childcare needed.

He has savings. I do not. I have never been able to actually save anything because everything I earn is spent on our outgoings. I rarely have anything for myself, all my clothes are vinted (fair enough though. Love this).

I have a stronger background educationally so stands to reason I earn more (I know that’s not always the case so don’t come for me) BUT I really resent that he doesn’t try. He is self employed and I know he needs to be there for the kids but there are breakfast and after school clubs that would allow him to do more hours. He doesn’t go and find the work and if he did it would be me paying for the clubs to allow this. He uses this as an excuse. There is no entrepreneurial spirit at all to build his client base but he complains about the lack of work. I learn what I earn because I have taken opportunities present to me. I have put in the graft and the effort. He doesn’t get it. I might need to stay late for a meeting or do extra after work for a bit and all I get is “you’re late” when I come home. I’ve taken to pointing out I don’t have a curfew. That usually nips it but doesn’t stop it next time. If I were out drinking with friends after work I could sort of understand it but even then it’s passive aggressive. He doesn’t cook so I HAVE to come home and sort for the kids and us. At best he can stick a pizza in the oven if I have a late event, but I know by now he would need plenty of notice.

Basically I’m not happy. Am I being unreasonable to not be happy? I feel like I work full time and then come home and work full time and have nothing to show for it. No friends, no money, I’m worried about the cost of Christmas and basically I feel like the expectations are always on me to fund everything because, on paper I make more money. Cost of living means my expenses have skyrocketed and I have no disposable income, I’ve maxed my credit card and am thinking about selling my car for a runabout to free up some money but don’t think I should have to do this.

I think I want to leave. But how on earth to untangle this? I wouldn’t even have money for a deposit and we were lucky to get this house so I’m reluctant to give it up. I certainly wouldn’t be eligible for a mortgage solo.

To add this has been talked about and he gets really defensive and / or says about looking for another or a different job (but what about the kids…) but it never ever materialises. Also our finances have always been separate. I know that many MN think that’s bizarre but it’s just how it’s been and I suppose it’s been from a sense of protecting myself. Hasn’t really worked though has it.

TLDR: Am I being unfair to to resent my lower earning spouse for lack of contribution in our marriage

I know from experience that I would be lambasted on Mumsnet again for recommending Surrendered Wife book. However it worked for me and it has good reviews on Amazon. The premise of the book that if your load is too heavy you just drop it. Nature has given children a mother and a father for a reason. I am positive your children would rather have pizza for dinner every day and cheap presents for Christmas AND a peaceful home than divorce AND upheaval AND strained finances etc. For reference, my take home pay (after taxes and NIC and pension deductions) is 3 times bigger compared to my my husband. He has savings which i don't care about, my children will benefit some day. I don't nag, I don't criticise, I don't ask for anything. In return I have a stable home for my teenagers, plenty of "me" time and a loving husband. The house is a mess 😟 and we can't afford a car right now but it's a different story. No one can have everything in life, it's all about choices we make

Well I know many non working or pt working mums who do practically nothing too other than school pick ups and drop offs and they still use the ‘sacrificed career’ argument

leaving doesn’t necessarily mean physically leaving the house BUT you’ll need to figure out splits of assets that alllow him suitable accommodation too ( with the children) and currently your mortgage raising ability is greater so his needs are higher

This sounds so similar and also shows it’s not a male female thing or necessarily even an earnings potential thing. It’s a respect issue. In the back of my head my plan is to try somehow to save up close to half the deposit on the house and offer it to him to go. It would be enough to set him up with a decent rental and in the time it takes the kids will be a little older and probably a bit better able to understand. To be fair I think my daughter already sees it a bit although I do try to shield.

How about you give him a cookery course for Christmas and say after that he needs to do most of the cooking in the week because you need to work more in the evening due to cost of living and have credit card debt. 13 year old could cook one day too perhaps. Also buy a slow cooker so can prepare earlier in the day (either you or him). Otherwise very minimal Christmas spend so he knows consequences

With the mental load sometimes it's easier if it falls to one person rather than negotiating so any tasks you can hand over should be specific. Again 13 year old may be able to do some things

An interesting perspective thank you. If I thought the children would benefit from his savings one day then I would be ok but the need is greater now. I have nothing. And I’ve been allowed to get to this place. If you were in that position would your husband dip into his savings? If yes then that’s cool, that’s a partnership.

But can they afford this argument? Or, if their partners money ran out would they step up?

I would LOVE to do this but it would feel quite passive aggressive and I’m a bit more direct in my style. My kids take after him unfortunately and I think it’s the case of learning at their father’s knee. Because when I get home (last) they are all just sitting waiting. I know I could refuse but it literally gets me nowhere and I’ve reached the point of the path of least resistance. Fighting it is the right thing. I know that. Bring up good, independent children but when the other model that they see is giving very different messages that’s almost impossible and I wonder if a better message would be to not put up with it at all.

I used to be a harried stressed out wife so I sympathise. However Nature has given children a mother and a father too. Just state calmly to your children (and without blaming their father) that you will be buying them minimal presents clothes etc until your credit card is paid off. If your husband steps in - fine. If he doesn't then it's also fine. Your children would benefit from the calm environment regardless. The only way your husband will step up if you stop carrying so much on your shoulders. Trust me, things will get done. Maybe not to your standards but they will be done. The children will benefit so much more from a calm environment. It's about choices

It's possible that you just don't want to be married to this man. Which is fine. You don't have to be. You consult a solicitor and ask about the likely outcomes regarding housing, finances, dc. This will give you a clear, factual picture rather than a vague dread.

Your dh is a garden-variety sexist. He thinks you should do all the house stuff - cooking, cleaning, sorting Xmas, being Mum. No matter what your job or earnings are, this attitude is not one I could live with. You are either a partnership or you are not.

He should obviously be doing his fair share of cooking, cleaning and childcare. There is no such thing as 'can't cook' - he just never bothered to learn cuz that's your job as the woman.

Your dc, by the way, are well old enough to clean and cook, the 8-year-old under supervision. They should have some jobs in a household with two working parents.

Or his savings can pay for a cleaner, right now.

You both, together, need to get your finances in order, decide on spending priorities, address any debt. If a cleaner is a priority to save your mental health and your marriage, decide where you can make cuts elsewhere.

You can't fix the sexism, though. That's on him. If that's his unswerving view of your role in life, he's got to go.

Sitting waiting for you to come in and make dinner is pathetic. He needs a proper bollocking, OP. Can you arrange a baby sitter to give him the bollocking and make it clear that things need to change immediately or you are out?

You are so right. I can’t tell you how right you are. He should cut back on his sky sports, gym membership.

But he won’t. The fact that I know this and still put up with it makes me the mug.

I was worried everyone would see me as just being the traditional provider complaining about how my spouse doesn’t pay for anything and being resentful but it’s really not that simple.

thank you.

In the new year I will speak to a solicitor. If only to get a better perspective. The irony being that I am legally trained. Just when it’s yourself it’s not so easy is it.

.

I’ve done this. It’s been 13 years of this. The same arguments. Round and round. I’ve even asked if he can’t at least establish what dinner will be so I can just get on with it. But no. The process always starts when I get home from work

I agree it’s pathetic though

Please please start the new year without him. This situation will ever get better and his savings pot will just get larger the longer you stay. He is making a fool out of you. Do it today.x

In my cases, no

OP you don’t sound happy. And rightly so. This clearly wasn’t an arrangement that you explicitly agreed to.

I only work 3 days a week and have two young children. Husbands job props up the whole family and my income allows us to keep our heads above water and for me to have a small amount of financial independence. However I do all childcare on my non working days (obviously), cook 90% of the meals etc. This was something DH and I agreed when we second DC was born a little over a year ago. I’m also now looking for a more well paid job. What your DH is doing is not a traditional gender role reversal. He’s just lazy.

If you still love him then give him a genuine ultimatum. I think it really has to be that he gets a new job because “doing more housework” is just too vague. If you actually want to leave him there are ways of doing this. No breakup is going to be easy but people do it all the time. It is stressful in the moment but the long term benefits make it worth it.

Today isn’t possible but what can happen today is that I can begin to plan for tomorrow. I need a few financial things sorted, essentially my ducks in a row. That might take a bit of time but I need to be careful to ensure my and my children’s security. Thank you so much for your reply. It’s so appreciated

Then it’s def not gender specific I just happens to be that way around.

Further to my earlier message.. the key to the Surrendered Wife method is to stay calm and keep breathing. You need to create a way of avoiding any nagging, cajoling, criticising your husband. Say you get home, there is no dinner, children are hungry. Put pizza in the oven. Some vegetables on the side, job done. Leave the dishes in the sink. Buy disposable paper plates if you run out of dishes. All with a smile and good humour. If it's sounds bizarre- think of the alternative? I am sure your children would rather eat fish fingers for dinner every night than see their parents splitting up. I am certain your husband is pretty miserable at this point too. As a woman you have the power to turn the situation around. It's all about choices

You're not a mug, OP. You are trying to hold down a job and hold together marriage and be a good Mum and a good provider.

And what you want in return is a partner in all this. If he cooked 3 dinners a week and sympathised about your overtime (because it pays the bills) and taught the dc to help him with cleaning the bathroom, I doubt you'd have a problem, even if 3 dinners a week were still yours to sort out. If he viewed his spending as a family unit, you might not have a problem that he earned less.

It is about respect and pulling together. It's not always 50/50 but it should be supportive and the percentage of effort at home should swing more to him at times, more to you at others.

Go see that solicitor. Get some answers and possibilities. It will make you feel more in control.

Thank you. All of these messages have been so helpful and thought provoking. None of this situation makes me happy. It all makes me sad and frustrated. I wondered the other day how we would be in ten years when the kids are more independent and would we like each others company or whether I would still be a bitter resentful (older) bitch even then 😂. I think I have my answer. I just need to bring it to fruition

Thank you. I will.

I want a partnership. I never wanted three kids. But that’s what I’ve ended up with

whether that can be reframed as @Tiredbehyondbelief says or not I think I need further advice so I know all my options.

everyone has been so helpful thank you

Seems @Tiredbehyondbelief Iikes to spice up a thread such as this one, in case it might otherwise turn slightly boring predictable. Interesting user name, btw.

@Thebabewiththepowerof - don't do anything financial without competent legal advice. Wikivorce and websites of family solicitor can be useful.

I’m not rushing so I will definitely get some better advice in the new year. For now I’m waiting to see what he pulls out for Christmas. He knows I don’t have anything. It’s his birthday this coming week and I will be buying a couple of cards because that’s all I have the ability to buy.

OP, he’s a lazy, selfish cocklodger. Men like this don’t change. I lived with one, who was endlessly needy. When I finally stopped feeling guilty about hurting his feelings and actually left, it was like being released from prison.
Your children learn from you. Don’t let them grow up believing women have to put up with this crap.
No matter how difficult it is to set up home alone with DC, please do it, for their sake and yours.