I think I want out

[Thebabewiththepowerof]

I think this is a vent and maybe it belongs more on Aibu to want out that actually wanting out but I welcome input as I don’t have a wide circle of friends and am a little scared of making this real by actually saying it.

I've been married for 13 years. 2 children (13 and 8) I am the higher income earner. For scale I earn roughly twice what my husband does but we are not well off by modern standards. We live in a shared ownership property because our combined income is not enough for a full mortgage.

I cover the household living, bills, children’s expenses, all food shopping and a chunk towards the mortgage / rent and he, for thirteen years, has covered the housing costs. Note that the figure he pays has not changed since 2009 and any increases have come to me to make the difference.

We don't have any extravagances. Our first holiday abroad ever together was this year and that was a gift. we don’t drive brand new cars but they aren’t ropers either.

He does a lot of the kids running around, drop off and pick ups because his schedule is flexible. I am available in the holidays so no childcare needed.

He has savings. I do not. I have never been able to actually save anything because everything I earn is spent on our outgoings. I rarely have anything for myself, all my clothes are vinted (fair enough though. Love this).

I have a stronger background educationally so stands to reason I earn more (I know that’s not always the case so don’t come for me) BUT I really resent that he doesn’t try. He is self employed and I know he needs to be there for the kids but there are breakfast and after school clubs that would allow him to do more hours. He doesn’t go and find the work and if he did it would be me paying for the clubs to allow this. He uses this as an excuse. There is no entrepreneurial spirit at all to build his client base but he complains about the lack of work. I learn what I earn because I have taken opportunities present to me. I have put in the graft and the effort. He doesn’t get it. I might need to stay late for a meeting or do extra after work for a bit and all I get is “you’re late” when I come home. I’ve taken to pointing out I don’t have a curfew. That usually nips it but doesn’t stop it next time. If I were out drinking with friends after work I could sort of understand it but even then it’s passive aggressive. He doesn’t cook so I HAVE to come home and sort for the kids and us. At best he can stick a pizza in the oven if I have a late event, but I know by now he would need plenty of notice.

Basically I’m not happy. Am I being unreasonable to not be happy? I feel like I work full time and then come home and work full time and have nothing to show for it. No friends, no money, I’m worried about the cost of Christmas and basically I feel like the expectations are always on me to fund everything because, on paper I make more money. Cost of living means my expenses have skyrocketed and I have no disposable income, I’ve maxed my credit card and am thinking about selling my car for a runabout to free up some money but don’t think I should have to do this.

I think I want to leave. But how on earth to untangle this? I wouldn’t even have money for a deposit and we were lucky to get this house so I’m reluctant to give it up. I certainly wouldn’t be eligible for a mortgage solo.

To add this has been talked about and he gets really defensive and / or says about looking for another or a different job (but what about the kids…) but it never ever materialises. Also our finances have always been separate. I know that many MN think that’s bizarre but it’s just how it’s been and I suppose it’s been from a sense of protecting myself. Hasn’t really worked though has it.

TLDR: Am I being unfair to to resent my lower earning spouse for lack of contribution in our marriage

He’s got money in savings? Then he can bloody sort the Christmas presents.
nah he’s riding along. This would piss me off too.

I know. You are right. Thank you.

It will just take some time and some professional input.

You sound like you are tired and worn down - that alone will make your life feel harder. Your DP just sounds inherently lazy - so if you need to make a list of stuff for him to do then do it. For that matter there's no reason that your DC can't step up and help even if it just tidying rooms, emptying bins etc.
Your DP does not have ambition so maybe working for someone would give him a bit more oomph!! You also need to sit down and discuss money - that he comes to you to make up for any increased expenses is just very unfair. Irrespective of how much you each earn - you could add up all your outgoings and split it 50/50 that might just make him understand the unfairness of finances because he can save but only because you are paying the lions share of bills. That would definitely change if he had to pay more. Is he not aware that there is a COL crisis going on? Most people are aware and are adjusting to take account of this while this man is stuck in a groove started 14 years ago which he has never adjusted since!! How naive is he being?

These are essentially the skills I was taught on a hostage survival course.

Definitely start the new year without him if possible.
In the meantime, I assume you are buying and cooking his meals? Until you leave in January start buying him Iceland chicken nuggets and beans or the frozen burgers they do, anything cheap that he can throw in the oven for himself. If he doesn't contribute he doesn't get to eat the food you prepare and cook because you can't afford to keep him.
Regardless of whether he is male or female there is no way one partner should have savings whilst the other is maxing out credit cards to keep the family afloat, whoopty fucking doo that he 'feels secure' where is your security OP? Does he not believe that you should have the same feeling of security especially as you are earning the majority of the money that keeps him housed and fed?
The absolute first thing he can do is transfer you enough money to cover all of Christmas, Inc the kids presents, family presents and any extra for food/treats, you have paid out enough over the years, I would want to know why he feels he can't cover one year?
As far as him having Sky/Gym membership etc I am lost for words. He needs a serious reality check, we don't have Sky because between us we can't afford it. If he is contributing so little that you are using your credit card for essentials then he can't afford it either.
I am ridiculously angry on your behalf OP, he has had a great life sponging off you for years, cut off the gravy train immediately. You will be doing him a favour for when he has to stand on his own two feet in January.

Very naive unfortunately. And we do talk but it descends into an argument because he gets defensive. He lives in cloud cuckoo land and I’ve told him as much when I get too frustrated and bored of being the only adult!

Everything you have said is how I feel believe me. Some of this will be implemented. Maybe not the chicken nuggets as we are vegan (me) / vegetarian (him) but I’m sure I can find a variation 😂. Thank you for being so angry on my behalf it’s actually really validating that, although im not perfect or even close, that I’m not completely wrong to feel this way

This now how I shall view myself

Oops sorry, I didn't consider dietary requirements! Feed him whatever cheap meat substitute is available, the unhealthier and nasty the better!!
Honestly I'm fuming at him and I don't even know him, how you have put up with this is really beyond me....he's a cockwomble of the highest order.
I hope in January you manage to split and he feels even a little bit of the insecurity he has caused you to feel over the years. Good luck x

Maybe I should weaponise the chicken. Make him eat it 🤣. And cockwomble is straight to the top of my insult list. I think it will take time but all of this validation has given me strength. I can tell you how much I appreciate it x

OMG just the thought of weaponising chicken 😂

You deserve out. You’re not in love with him and do not have respect for him so better to try and be happy than stay and be miserable. Think you yourself but also take into account the kids. Sometimes is better to wait until they have left home to split. However, only you know how much more you can put up with being unhappy.

Hi there, it's tiredneyondbelief again (the username comes from the time we had builders in the house for 6 weeks, I haven't bothered to change it). Reading through your posts I understand now you want out of your marriage. I get it. Just please be aware that on mumsnet this is all what you will be encouraged to do. And you have 2 children between you and your husband and not a single person yet suggested marriage counselling. I am not saying the Surrendered Wife method is the best or only way to go. But please do explore other options before jumping the ship. Divorce is very harsh on the children

Thank you for the advice. I won’t be doing anything knee jerk and my children are my absolute priority. As mentioned above it might be best to hang on for a bit longer so they understand more and it’s like a clean slate. I want to get some professional advice on my options because I really don’t know. I also plan to have a look into that book. I really appreciate all perspectives thank you so much 😊

Every marriage has ups and downs. There are many excellent books on relationships if you like reading. Marriage counselling like any counselling is quite expensive and both parties need to agree for it to be effective. I don't suggest you become a doormat to your husband. However the woman's perspective on relationships isn't the only perspective. Your husband might be thinking he is doing an awful lot since men are pretty useless at multi tasking. The other book I found very helpful when my marriage hit a rough patch was Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It.

OP Wishing you all the luck in the world and a contented 2024.

I'd think you can't afford to stay with him. He must cost more than a grand a month to keep.

Sounds like you have decided you do want out and I can't blame you!

I just came on to say that it was never going to work with the separate finances if you just wait for each other to volunteer to pay for things. You need a system.

Probably irrelevant now if you are leaving but otherwise I would suggest a joint account into which you each pay an agreed monthly amount and which is set aside for joint expenses.

And you need to budget jointly so the total amount is enough for the joint expenses. If it isn't then you both need to contribute more.

Although if he won't step up to pay more of the joint costs or contribute from his savings, even when you ask him directly, then maybe you could not make that work either!

You mentioned that he us self-employed. Is it actually a job that pays real money or is it more like a hobby job?

Absolutely this! think your DH is a 'luxury' that needs to go.

What would he do for dinner if you came in from work ill and had to go straight to bed?

I am also angry on your behalf!!

I think what you are feeling is actually resentment, and I’ve yet to find a way to make that go away once it’s set in.

So he’s abusive, you’ve had to accept his way.

In the new year I will speak to a solicitor

I did this a couple of years ago and I felt empowered after. I’ve not left yet, but I know I could now.

At the moment all the pressure is on you, it must be like walking round with a permanent headache.
Marriage should be a partnership where you at least try to meet halfway, out of love and respect for your spouse, where's the respect for you in this situation?

I work part time, my DH works long hours and is a much higher earner. The idea of him coming home and having to cook a meal for the family...I would be ashamed of myself. The lack of ambition and pride would be a deal breaker for me if I was in your situation, not wanting to provide for his own children and happy to let you see to everything no matter the mental load for you, ugh.