Break up at 40, childless

[Mellownellie]

Hi all, just looking for some words of wisdom really or maybe just to write it all down…not sure really. Relationship of 8 months just ended at the weekend and I’m still in a bit of shock. Met a lovely man who I could see a future with and thought we were so happy. I’m absolutely devastated it’s over but more devastated for the reasons and wonder if I handled it badly. He has a dc (aged 4) from previous Ltr. I hadn’t met her and was conscious of not putting any pressure on him to do so, although I would very much have liked to. He shares 50/50 custody with his ex. I’ve always wanted a child and we’d spoken about it early on and while he wasn’t 100% committing to wanting another he also said he’d be open to it in the future and that he wouldn’t be with me if that’s not what he wanted. I raised it again at the weekend to check we were still on the same page and he said he absolutely wouldn’t want another. I was shocked and got a bit emotional and not sure if my reaction then ruined everything. We both cried quite a lot and I left that night so we could both have some space to think things over. He called me 2 days later and ended it saying it wouldn’t work and it would only be harder in the future if we were on such different pages. I don’t disagree with that but he was so cold and brutal when he ended it that I can’t get my head round us not discussing it more. He also told me that he’d not really had feelings for me which felt particularly cruel when i felt we’d got so close, met families, been on holiday, spent all his child free time with me.
im now missing him desperately, so sad at the break up but also wondering if I’ve run out of time completely to find anyone and should have kept my mouth shut. Maybe my reaction that night made him lose all feelings for me. Over time he said he was planning on introducing me to his dc and I could have been part of that family and that he saw me in his long term future.
sorry for the rant, I’m all over the place as you can probably tell!

I am so sorry. I don't understand how men can be so fucking cruel. He is a total bastard.

Would you consider having a child alone? I'm a lone parent and my DC bring me more joy than any stupid useless man ever has.

I think 8 months is a bit soon to have a second check in about whether or not someone wants a child with you.

He was never 100% on board but is open to it. You knew what.

At that stage you're still figuring out if you want to be with someone, you've not decided to live together yet.

It sounds as if you were assessing if you could have a child with this man rather than actually just be with him for a start.

What ? When did he ever say he wanted a child with her? He was never decided. He said that. He was open to it is not a yes.

I think at 8 months 2 discussions about a child together before you've even decided you want to live together and she hasn't even met his existing child is completely crazy.

I'm so sorry- you should be young enough to have a child, if you really want one.

"really not had feelings for me" is a complete ender. Wishing you all the best.

@Goodornot at 40 you absolutely should be checking in on that, someone at that age should know what they want and there isn’t any time to hang around and see.

OP Im so sorry, sounds like he wasn’t being honest with you from the start

I think he was just stringing you along. He said he was open to it at the beginning but at some point apparently changed his mind and didn’t think to tell you. 🤔 He only told you because you asked him. Knowing your age and that you wanted children, he’s been incredibly cruel and selfish.

At least you know now, but I’m sorry he’s wasted your time.

When did he ever say he wanted a child with her? He was never decided. He said that. He was open to it is not a yes.

He was apparently open to it but at some point changed his mind. When that happened, he should have told her immediately.

He sounds horrible and actually thank god you did check again as at least you didn’t waste any more time with him! I think next time definitely ask the “do you want kids?” Question at the beginning but if the answer is anything other than “absolutely with the right person” - if it’s a wavering “maybe” then just call it there and keep up the search for the right guy who is sure. By the time a man is 40 he should have a very solid answer to the kids question.

I agree but it has only been 8 months and this was the second discussion.

Perhaps he hadn't realised he didn't want another until she asked again.

It was 8 months not 8 years of her life.

It's pretty cruel of him but in a way it's a blessing in disguise that he didn't keep you hanging on for ages with false promises, and tried to make a clean break.

Agree with pp you can still have a child, maybe alone but I know several people who had children at 41,42 and 43, some IVF, some naturally.

I hope you are ok. Sending big unmumsnetty hugs

Op, you have dodged more wasted time. You got overly invested in a short time BECAUSE you have a short time. It will happen again if you keep trying to cram in a relationship before a baby, you'll overlook flaws, read too much into small things etc etc.
I think you should seriously consider going it alone to become a mum. And then, once the panic is over, look carefully and slowly at any future potential men.
I don't mean to be glib, but listen, if you rush into having a child with a man you haven't known long and probably haven't been too fussy about, the likelihood is you will break up anyway and the child would have to go through that and you have to go through custody plans. Going it alone, deliberately, has its advantages.

He should have told you immediately he’d changed his mind. It’s a massive thing to keep quiet.

The only blessing is he didn’t lie to you, he could’ve said “yeah, sure in a few years.” That would be much worse and happened to a friend of mine. They were engaged but he had no intention of ever marrying her, let alone having a child. He had children and my friend spent more time with them than he did, she grew very close to the mum and still sees the children. He does not.

What ? When did he ever say he wanted a child with her? He was never decided. He said that. He was open to it is not a yes.

I* think at 8 months 2 discussions about a child together before you've even decided you want to live together and she hasn't even met his existing child is completely crazy.*

I think I'd agree with this.

I feel very sorry for OP as this of course deeply painful. But I feel he did the correct thing in being this clear - and maybe being cold & direct was a necessary part to not giving OP false hope.

It's only been 8 months. It's a very short relationship.

If it was years long I might agree.

should have kept my mouth shut. Maybe my reaction that night made him lose all feelings for me.
Don't go down this route OP or you'll spend your whole life faking your personality and feelings so as not to put men off.

Over time he said he was planning on introducing me to his dc and I could have been part of that family and that he saw me in his long term future.
When did he say this? As he was leaving, to make you feel extra bad about "not being up to scratch", or generally in the first few months of your dating, as a classic piece of future faking?

He's been messing you around. A decent man wouldn't hang carrots in front of your nose; he'd be very, very careful to avoid anything like a promise because he wouldn't want to get your hopes up.

"Stringing someone along" doesn't usually involve being honest about not wanting children after only 8 months. People are allowed multiple conversations and a few months to actually work out what they want, and it's not as if he said he actively wanted them in the first place.

im now missing him desperately, so sad at the break up but also wondering if I’ve run out of time completely to find anyone and should have kept my mouth shut. Maybe my reaction that night made him lose all feelings for me.

OP you shouldn't blame yourself at all. This conversation would have happened whether you'd opened your mouth or not, and it's better that it happens after only 8 months than after a few years.

It's only been 8 months. It's a very short relationship.

He knew her age presumably, so as soon as he knew for definite that having kids was not for him, he needed to speak up. If she hadn’t asked him now, and left it a year or two, her chances to have children would be even less.

When a man dates someone of that age who wants kids, I’m afraid these conversations need to happen sooner. Any decent man would be realise that.

Oh lovey sorry this has happened ☹️. You need to see this as a blessing in disguise that at least he was honest and didn’t string you along wasting the last of your fertile years.

If I were in your shoes I would start trying for a baby alone via donor sperm. A man could come along at any point but you don’t have much time left if you want a baby, it’s possible, but probably requires you to get going now 💐

Agree you've saved some wasted time. At 40 a person absolutely knows if they want (more) kids or not, in the abstract. They won't know if they want kids with a particular person straightaway but they do know if they don't want kids at all. And at 40 men know how important it is for women to have a clear answer to the question.

His remarks about not really having feelings for you are not only cruel but paint him in a very poor light - if true, he's been wasting his time as well as yours, if not true then it's a big thing to lie about. Whatever you said during your discussion he's shown himself to be untrustworthy with that comment alone.

I agree that if you do want to have a child it may be better to make that your priority through IVF rather than having your priority be to find a man.

Perhaps he hadn't realised he didn't want another until she asked again.

It would be a huge coincidence that he realised on the day OP asked him. 🤔. I don’t believe that and I don’t think anyone else would either. To know on the day, he’d obviously thought about it previously and come to that decision.

He may have known from the start but wanted a relationship with OP so said what he needed to. I wouldn’t put it past him as he’s clearly a shit based on what he’s said now... ‘He also told me that he’d not really had feelings for me’. If that’s true then he’s a shit for continuing the relationship and if it’s not true, he is a shit for saying it to deliberately cause hurt. Either way, he’s not a nice bloke.

He was probably happy in the relationship and wanted OP but no kids. That’s fine, but he needed to give OP the choice and at the earliest possible time because of her age. It’s rubbish it has to be that way but that’s biology for you!

I wouldn’t waste another second worrying about this relationship. It’s over, and even if it wasn’t, he doesn’t want kids. If you really want a child, at 40 the clock is ticking and I would concentrate on that. Use a sperm donor.

He also told me that he’d not really had feelings for me which felt particularly cruel when i felt we’d got so close, met families, been on holiday, spent all his child free time with me

There was no need for this. He could have just left at it "We're on different pages. I really don't want another child and it's important to you that you have a child so it's best if we split so you are free to find someone who wants the same as you".
Saying he had no feelings was cruel and unnecessary.
The only thing in his favour is that when you asked this second time about children he said straightaway that he absolutely didn't want another and then ended the relationship. He could have kept stringing you along a bit longer with future-faking nonsense but he didn't.
I'm sorry this has happened to you and that you are so upset but it's a good thing as if you want a child you can't afford to be hanging around with someone who doesn't want one.

I’m only a bit younger than you and I have just come out of a relationship and am childless too, so I can relate.

As much as you probably don’t want to, you should get back out there, so to speak. Time is of the essence and you need to look for a man who is on the same page as you about children. I don’t think 40 is too late (I bloody hope it isn’t…) - best of luck!

The worst part is that he said he didn’t have feelings for you. Why was he with you at all then? How long might you have gone on if you had not had that conversation? You could have wasted even more time. I think you were 100% right to want to discuss it after eight months.

I agree with others who are saying to seriously consider having a child on your own and worrying about a relationship later. If having a child is your priority then it's going to put far too much pressure on your relationships at an early stage and this leaves you very vulnerable to all sorts of poor behaviour from men.

I have a family member who pushed on with a less than ideal relationship, ignored red flags, had DC early in the relationship due to biological clock pressures. That couple are now 16 years into an incredibly toxic relationship, tied together by their DC, unable to afford to separate whilst maintaining the DC's lifestyle. They both seem to be hanging on for the DC to finish their schooling and leave home, but it's been so very damaging for them all, including the DC.