Break up at 40, childless

[Mellownellie]

Hi all, just looking for some words of wisdom really or maybe just to write it all down…not sure really. Relationship of 8 months just ended at the weekend and I’m still in a bit of shock. Met a lovely man who I could see a future with and thought we were so happy. I’m absolutely devastated it’s over but more devastated for the reasons and wonder if I handled it badly. He has a dc (aged 4) from previous Ltr. I hadn’t met her and was conscious of not putting any pressure on him to do so, although I would very much have liked to. He shares 50/50 custody with his ex. I’ve always wanted a child and we’d spoken about it early on and while he wasn’t 100% committing to wanting another he also said he’d be open to it in the future and that he wouldn’t be with me if that’s not what he wanted. I raised it again at the weekend to check we were still on the same page and he said he absolutely wouldn’t want another. I was shocked and got a bit emotional and not sure if my reaction then ruined everything. We both cried quite a lot and I left that night so we could both have some space to think things over. He called me 2 days later and ended it saying it wouldn’t work and it would only be harder in the future if we were on such different pages. I don’t disagree with that but he was so cold and brutal when he ended it that I can’t get my head round us not discussing it more. He also told me that he’d not really had feelings for me which felt particularly cruel when i felt we’d got so close, met families, been on holiday, spent all his child free time with me.
im now missing him desperately, so sad at the break up but also wondering if I’ve run out of time completely to find anyone and should have kept my mouth shut. Maybe my reaction that night made him lose all feelings for me. Over time he said he was planning on introducing me to his dc and I could have been part of that family and that he saw me in his long term future.
sorry for the rant, I’m all over the place as you can probably tell!

Don't waste any more time on him OP. You can meet someone else. I'm sorry he's led you to believe you had a future. Be kind to yourself.

You will find a good guy OP. I'm glad you still know he's out there x

I was told by a ivf nurse that she saw no live births over 43 with a woman's own eggs. That's a bit sobering.

My mum had me 10 days short of her 44th birthday. Her own eggs. It happens.

But what use would that be to the OP? She needs to know if he wants children with her. And which sane person would commit to that on the basis of a short relationship?
If he said "I don't want children" - with anyone - then that would tell her it was pointless dating him.
If he said "I might want children" - with anyone - then that would tell her he might be worth dating.
OP has made it clear that these conversations were not about asking this man to commit to having a child with her. She was upset as he originally said he was open to having children (generally, not necessarily with her) and she invested 8 months in him only for him to then say he wasn't interested in having children after all (with anyone). Fair enough, people can change their minds, but it does sound like he led OP up the garden path a bit early on.

Via IVF? thats amazing. I know lots of women who have babies after 43. I think the gamble is if you've never had kids at 40 you've never tested your fertility so there's no time left to sort through those issues. Older rggs tend to be brittle and shatter with ivf ijection

@ReadtheReviews
This! OP if you really want to be a mum just get on and do it yourself alone - a decent relationship will come after that for you in the right time with far less pressure. I would invest my time in motherhood now - feel excited xx

IVF nurse clearly doesn't deal with people like women in my extended family and friends who have live births over 43 who are naturally conceived. Granted most of the women have older children.

Point is an IVF nurse is not a midwife or pediatric nurse who deals with the outcomes of such pregnancies so won't older women who conceived naturally.

I’m really sorry to hear that OP. I’m sure his whole “never had feelings anyway” is just an attempt to tell himself it’s for the best. A rather shitty one.

It would be surprising IMO if you met a man who genuinely wanted to get on with having a DC - and who you could be sure would be a good father and life partner - within a few months of meeting. If you met someone who said they were dead keen to get on with it straight away, it would almost be a red flag (maybe I am too cynical).

In your shoes, assuming you are certain you want a child, I would be looking into going it alone. At least have some tests done, if you haven’t already.

@DyslexicPoster thats so not true - my last was at 43 but my sister had one at 45, a friend at 46... I could go on. All conceived naturally and kids now range from teens to 20s.
OP I've had this same conversation with a man after nine months. I felt he had been a bit dishonest - I had made it clear I wanted a serious long term relationship with kids, but when I asked where he saw the relationship going he said he never saw it as a long term thing. I asked him why he hadn't said and he replied 'because I'm weak'. Which may be the case with you. He enjoyed your company and was happy for things to go on as they were, but you asking him for commitment (having a child is the ultimate commitment) he backs out.
A year later at 40 I was engaged to a man and went on to have two kids.

@minipie You are too cynical.

Since I was in my teens I've known and met men who were serious about having a long term relationship and children with a particular woman very quickly. How long it took them to act depended on their age and whether they wanted to have/attempt to have children. So yes some were engaged within 6 months and are still married.

For whatever reason, it shows his heart wasn't in it, that's fine he can chose that.
He's done you a favour buy not stringing you along, beware of doing the chat about DC so early, despite time not being on your side. Date 2 is maybe mentioning a bit too early, as that is a stage where some men will agree with anything to get to a third and subsequent dates rather than binned, so their answer is meaningless. You were at the stage where things start getting real and he is going to be thinking about introducing his DD. Unfortunately, in this case, he didn't feel strongly enough, so it's best for you in the long run that he hasn't wasted your time.
Onwards to better.

No naturally. No fertility treatment

Please stop spouting these anecdotes as evidence. You are literally taking away women’s opportunity to have a baby by insinuating it’s common/likely to have a first baby naturally in your 40s. It is not. It can happen yes, but the statistics are clear. Women who really want children need to prioritise their fertility.

OP, for what it's worth I don't think there is anything wrong with making the enquiries you did about children when you did. You didn't do anything wrong and I hope you can stop beating yourself up about your handling of the situation. Believe me, it would have had the same outcome irrespective of whether the topic of children came up. Keeping your mouth shut rarely leads to lasting harmony in a relationship.

I identify with the cruelty of his comments regarding his feelings, or apparent lack of them. I had a similarly short relationship end with a man who told me his feelings had never really developed for me. This was despite going on holiday together, introducing me to his family and generally driving things forward. It was that comment that left me feeling so horrendous. That comment of his alone reveals that you've had a lucky escape from such a tactless person. I know it won't feel that way now, but people worth your time and fertility won't leave you feeling blindsided and awful.

So back to you. Take stock of your options for fertility but don't let this cloud your judgement of potential partners. Read some of the awesome comments here and recognise that you could not have influenced the outcome. He's part of your past now. You can find someone awesome whose heart is fully in it.

I have said IVF. But it's nieve to think that you can leave starting a family to after 40 if your a woman and think you will have the chances as a woman I her twenties.

Lots of women can start perimenopause in their early 40s. Not so much in their twenties.

I had my first at 29 and my last at 40. I feel pregnant with a month at 40. But I knew I could get pregnant and carry to term so there wasn't lots of questions about my fertility.

Anyone is free to wait past 40 to start a family. Its not the best of ideas via choice. I get that many people don't ha e the choice before 40 and they get lucky and I get that. But to say its fine to wait until mid fourties goes against human biology. You could look 25, be fitter than a teen. Your eggs are still 40 years old. They was made before your born.

I don't think the OP in her situation had much choice to politely wait 2 years, hear he didn't want kids, them find another partner and wait two years before politely asked then after two year. You need to be proactive at 40.

IVF nurse which means her patients were already experiencing issues. You can fall pregnant over 43.

He was honest and said he wasn’t sure then confirmed it wasn’t something he wanted. He was open and honest and did the right thing ending it as you have different wants in life. I don’t understand the folks saying he is cruel and a bastard? Surely would be 100 times worse if the carried on the relationship for years then said he didn’t want any? Is sounds like as soon as he was sure he told you. It’s shit but at least you can have the chance to go and find someone else who wants the same as you

He was being cruel to be kind. He knows that he can have children in the future, but knows he absolutely wants no more right now. Sadly you don’t have time on your side to have a family and this it’s a mismatch.

OP just get back out there and date again. Honestly if you want kids you really don’t have a large window at this stage. I couldn’t conceive again past 43 even though we never used protection. You have to put it behind you, no matter how sad that feels.

OP I'm not a LTB kind of person and think Mumsnet can be overly harsh sometimes in their opinions of men but this man sounds like a horrible nasty human being. You've dodged a bullet and I'm afraid he sounds like he was using you and you were convenient for him to fill some while in the time you were together.

He has kids so know exactly what it entails and to have changed his mind in the space of 8 months at the age he is is total bollocks. He strung you along I'm afraid. And as another poster mentioned, why did you have to bring it up? He clearly had been keeping it to himself for some time and given you're 40 and therefore he knows your clock is ticking, he is full of absolute shit.

I reached 40 and was childless and realised I was never going to meet a guy to have children with within the next 2 yrs, covid also hit at the same time.

My mother pushed me as well as a best friend to do it alone.
I did not have ivf ,but iui which is so much cheaper. I got pregnant 1st to.e round but miscarried. I got pregnant 2nd time 41, dd was born at 42.
I still get asked out a lot, but have had the most happiest motherhood on my own.

I always knew I was pretty fertile though as with ex husband I conceived 1st time round at 32. My periods were every 28 days and I could tell when I was ovulating without measurement.

So op if you really want a child..it maybe be possible without ivf

I have empathy for both parties in this. Obviously a 40 year old woman that wants children has to think about her biological clock. But I think it is unfair to say that the guy was stringing her along because he didn’t know after eight months. It would be irresponsible of a man to agree to father a baby after a couple of months because of the woman’s age no matter how pressing her situation.

At this point it maybe best to consider going it alone as the odds of finding a suitable willing father are not high. If you don’t want to go it alone, it may soon be time to start to think about and come to terms with the idea of not being a mother. I mean that kindly and genuinely as a 53 year old childless not through choice. I have gone through that reconciliation process and found my peace, I am not saying you need to do that now, but soon perhaps.

I think it is unfair to say that the guy was stringing her along because he didn’t know after eight months.
No-one is saying that. We're saying that THIS was stringing her along:
"He asked me what I was looking for on our second date and as part of that he said he was also wanting another child."
He shouldn't have stuck his neck out like that unless he was VERY certain he wanted another child. Totally unnecessary of him to make it sound like he was definitely up for it - even if he WAS definitely up for it, it would have been more sensible to be less emphatic about it, in case it got her hopes up.

You clearly have a reading comprehension problem.

As in my post I said -
"Granted most of the women have older children."

But feelings change right? He's on a date 2 with a great woman. He's feeling jubilant. He sees that in his future.

8 months in He's juggling 50/50 contact with his dd and think do I want to do this again. Don't think you can criticise.

He was probably serious at that point when he first said that.