Break up at 40, childless

[Mellownellie]

Hi all, just looking for some words of wisdom really or maybe just to write it all down…not sure really. Relationship of 8 months just ended at the weekend and I’m still in a bit of shock. Met a lovely man who I could see a future with and thought we were so happy. I’m absolutely devastated it’s over but more devastated for the reasons and wonder if I handled it badly. He has a dc (aged 4) from previous Ltr. I hadn’t met her and was conscious of not putting any pressure on him to do so, although I would very much have liked to. He shares 50/50 custody with his ex. I’ve always wanted a child and we’d spoken about it early on and while he wasn’t 100% committing to wanting another he also said he’d be open to it in the future and that he wouldn’t be with me if that’s not what he wanted. I raised it again at the weekend to check we were still on the same page and he said he absolutely wouldn’t want another. I was shocked and got a bit emotional and not sure if my reaction then ruined everything. We both cried quite a lot and I left that night so we could both have some space to think things over. He called me 2 days later and ended it saying it wouldn’t work and it would only be harder in the future if we were on such different pages. I don’t disagree with that but he was so cold and brutal when he ended it that I can’t get my head round us not discussing it more. He also told me that he’d not really had feelings for me which felt particularly cruel when i felt we’d got so close, met families, been on holiday, spent all his child free time with me.
im now missing him desperately, so sad at the break up but also wondering if I’ve run out of time completely to find anyone and should have kept my mouth shut. Maybe my reaction that night made him lose all feelings for me. Over time he said he was planning on introducing me to his dc and I could have been part of that family and that he saw me in his long term future.
sorry for the rant, I’m all over the place as you can probably tell!

You didn't do anything wrong op. He wanted everything on his terms. What about you and what you want? He already has kids. He only wanted you if you did as you were told and were happy about it and swallowed your own feelings. He shouldn't have said he was open to it in the early stages if it was a definite no once you were sucked in.

Ok, so he said on the second date he wanted another child? He was stringing you along then. It's OK for him to say that on a second date but op can't bring it up 8 months in when she's 40? Double standards!

I find it more disturbing that it was taken as gospel on a second date that they'd be having a child together as he said he might want another one.

8 months in the discovery stage you haven't even spent a Christmas together yet. Not a calendar year let alone talking of having a baby.

It's not his fault OP is 40 and out of time.

Would you all expect him to have got her pregnant now? What is a realistic time frame?

He actually said this: we’d spoken about it early on and while he wasn’t 100% committing to wanting another he also said he’d be open to it in the future.

To that isn't a yes I want children and she was not being strung along. Open to it isn't yes.

He didn't say he might want a child on the 2nd date. He said he wanted another child. You've changed that to suit your narrative.
So it's fine for a man to say on the 2nd date he wants another child but not for a woman to ask about it 8 months in. Double standards.

I’m not sure if this helps you but I was given wonderful advice from a very dear friend that helped me avoid time wasters.

His advice? On your first date say you’re looking to meet someone to settle down and have children with. It doesn’t mean you want to marry the man in front of you but it will weed out the non-serious ones. And quickly!

I met my now husband at 39. Married at 41 and had a baby at 42. Life couldn’t be more lovely.

Don’t give this cruel man another thought. And don’t let anyone take your dream away.

I wish you well.

@Mellownellie

“Op, you have dodged more wasted time. You got overly invested in a short time BECAUSE you have a short time. It will happen again if you keep trying to cram in a relationship before a baby, you'll overlook flaws, read too much into small things etc etc.
I think you should seriously consider going it alone to become a mum. And then, once the panic is over, look carefully and slowly at any future potential men.
I don't mean to be glib, but listen, if you rush into having a child with a man you haven't known long and probably haven't been too fussy about, the likelihood is you will break up anyway and the child would have to go through that and you have to go through custody plans. Going it alone, deliberately, has its advantages.”

I think it’s this. There was a thread on here recently from a woman in her early 40s who very much wanted children and was planning to use OLD to find a possible partner but as most posters pointed out men who know they want children will be pursuing younger women who have a longer time left to conceive because it puts less pressure on the relationship. If you’re able to go it alone, that’s what I would be planning in your shoes.

Alternatively I have friends who were unable to have children despite very much wishing to. They had periods of grieving but have since embraced the advantages of being child-free eg having amazing travel adventures and so on.

Good luck, OP. You’ll work this out.

Here you go. "He asked me what I was looking for on our second date and as part of that he said he was also wanting another child." I guess you don't find that "disturbing" only for a woman to ask about it 8 months in? Funny that 🙄

He might have said he wanted a child on date 2...he can't be held to that. Jesus it was a second date.

Perhaps he doesn't want one with her and realised that.

Realistically it's too late. It'd take about 18 months to decide if this is a long term enough to marry. at that age id go it alone.

At 40 you need to crack on with solo parenting. Get your fertility checked and freeze some embryos.

There's a good chance you have left it too late.

I'm sorry about your horrid DP.

But learn the lesson not to put what you want on hold for any man.

None of them are worth it.

That's helpful, isn't it?

It's not as easy as all that to 'freeze embryos'. Before that OP would have to have fertility treatment, including a sperm donor, to create said embryos. Not a neutral exercise practically, financially & emotionally.

She didn't put anything on hold for a man. She didn't meet someone sooner, she thought this guy might be the one.

He's not horrid, he doesn't want more children & has told her.

If you look at the situation objectively, a man with 4 kids from a previous failed LTR is very unlikely to want to start from the newborn phase again, no matter what he says himself. The kids clearly played a role in the marriage breakdown
He has 1 child from a previous relationship, who's aged 4, and even if he did have 4 children with an ex, why would that mean the kids were the reason he broke up with her?
We don't know what age he is - maybe 40, like OP? No reason to think he might be out of the new parent age group.

Frankly, if someone had pressured to reassure them I wanted kids after 8 months I would have run a mile. The big difference OP is that he has already a child with all the responsibilities that come with it PLUS all the difficulties, issues and unpleasant stuff that is common when you are trying to parent a child with an ex who may have different standards, different requirements and expectations to what he may consider right and fair. By putting pressure on him you have, in his view, have presented yourself not as a partner to have a new life with but as another likely ex with whom to raise another child apart.

Having said that, it is very likely that he would have come to the same no-more-kids conclusion even if you had not asked so thank your luck he didn’t waste more of your time.

Now, if what you really want is a kid, try for it alone if you feel in a hurry, but don’t try to find a father in a hurry as you are likely to ignore all the red flags and give your child a dad you will regret. Honestly, have the child first then find a partner, it us less risky if you are running out of time.

Perhaps he hadn't realised he didn't want another until she asked again.

It would be a huge coincidence that he realised on the day OP asked him. 🤔. I don’t believe that and I don’t think anyone else would either. To know on the day, he’d obviously thought about it previously and come to that decision

I doubt he had a major epiphany on the actual day
It just hadn't been constantly on his radar the way it clearly was on op's.
When she raised it again, he realised how he felt. He's done nothing wrong.

I think he meant he saw you in his long term future if his feelings for you grew stronger. That's a huge if and you don't have that kind of time to waste. This is far better than going softly softly and wasting another year. You haven't done anything wrong.

I don't agree at all. I think a decent man would think carefully before committing to having a child with someone. He wouldn't have to know within 8 months any more than a woman would.

But again, it's not committing to having a child - this was not the TTC conversation, this was a conversation about whether he still thought he wanted more kids in the future.

It wasn't, "do you want to have a child with me right now", (or even in six months time), it was more like "are more kids something you see you having in future?"

Of course you can know if you would like to be a parent again. That knowledge is not dependent on the person you're seeing or how long you've been seeing them, it's based on how you envision your future.

Not whrn your 40 year old woman who wants kids surely? He could be a new dad at 80, it's not the same for women. Realistically for most woman your chances of conceiving naturally with your own eggs are getting closer to zero by mid forties.

Op if you wants kids explore it on your own.

But that's not this man's fault or the fault of any other man that the OP is 40 and is running out of time.

Biology is what it is and it's unfair but again that's no one's fault.

He's already got one child and co-parenting with an ex so maybe he doesn't want to rush in again. 8 months is nothing. It would be irresponsible of him to say yes and blend families and add a baby to the mix. Then if they break up he's got 2 exes and 2 kids 50/50 visiting him at different times.

But it wasn't about agreeing to have a child with the OP, it was just about whether he saw himself wanting more kids in the future. 🙄

He said he was open to it then he said no.
I'm not seeing why he deserves his arse handed to him. Is no one allowed to change their mind?

I never said it was his fault or his duty did I? You can have Frank conversations, he didn't like it and left. So OP can choose which she values more. A shot at a biological child or him. He's not done anything wrong has he? But that doesn't negate the fact that OP doesn't have two years to wait to ask again either. She could wait two years and get the no at 42.

I was told by a ivf nurse that she saw no live births over 43 with a woman's own eggs. That's a bit sobering.

Realistically there's not years to wait to have that conversation past 40 unless you have frozen eggs.

The other alternative is that she just stays politely silent. So no good outcome unless you talk about it really? Would you want to be in relationship like that?

And it's good he was honest, rather than fudging it or saying he might be open to it or whatever again.

But all this about it was too soon to ask blah blah blah as though OP was suggesting they start TTC right away is nonsense.

There's a few issues here OP. How often did you see each other? Did he take you out? The biggest bomb shell is that he doesn't have feelings for you after 8 months? I'm 32 and have been OLD I ask pretty quickly if people want children or have children it's an essential conversation. I do not ask men if we can have a baby together however it's a MUST to find these things out, it should be a basic rule. OP is 40 she doesn't have time to waste.

Unless he's hurt and masking how he feels either way he's not the man for you. I have to say though many men will have children already around 40 and won't want any more DC.

Of course you can know if you would like to be a parent again. That knowledge is not dependent on the person you're seeing or how long you've been seeing them, it's based on how you envision your future.

It's really not that simple. You can know, but many people don't. Even in a marriage where you've had one kid together, parents often don't know if they want another for definite and will leave it up to fate and not decide either way. People don't always envision their future, and if they've had one child in a failed LTR, they'll know that envisioning your future doesn't always work out, so it's wiser to be circumspect, to wait and see, stay open until it's clearer. Indeed the guy might still want DC if he met someone who made him feel that way, but at the point OP checked in, he was certain he didn't in this relationship and that's fair enough. Sad for OP, but better to know that now.

But what use would that be to the OP? She needs to know if he wants children with her. And which sane person would commit to that on the basis of a short relationship?

This is not a man who has been stringing a woman along for years so she doesn't leave him. This is a man who took a few months to think about something serious and make a decision.