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Original poster

OH not interested in me

86 replies

Utterlyworthless · 23/11/2023 21:07

I’ve NC for this as I don’t want it linked to my other posts, not that I’ve posted in a long time as I’ve been genuinely happy.

Been with my partner a couple of years, recently had a baby and we seemed really good together.

He borrowed my old phone a while back as his broke and when I went to wipe his stuff (he’s bad with tech) one of his searches was “I don’t fancy my partner any more.” I’ve gained a lot of weight since having a baby and I know he loves skinny women and I’m basically a size 18 now!

This was a few months ago and somehow I’ve managed to just move on and forget about it whilst trying to make more of an effort in myself and hating myself.

Anyway, he has a very high sex drive but these days he can’t keep erect when having sex with me. I’ve just felt so strongly to look on his phone and low and behold tonight he’s been searching “is it ok to fantasise about other women when having sex with my partner” and his other tabs are all skinny girls with no boobs (I am the opposite) and about losing an erection when having sex with partner.

I just feel utter shit. I also know he plans to propose to me over xmas (his stupid searches showed up too so I saw that months ago when he had my old phone!)

What do I do? I’ve noticed whenever I do stuff with him he’s closed his eyes. I feel so awful and shit in myself. I hate myself anyway but this just makes me feel worthless! I am so attracted to him too I don’t even think of anyone else and haven’t our whole relationship and here I am lying in bed with a man who can’t bare to have sex with me.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 23/11/2023 21:20

How old is your baby?

I don't think he's in the wrong...we fancy who we fancy. I personally think I'd be trying to lose weight, but if baby is still very young and your breastfeeding, now is not the time for that.

Other option is to mention it to him and see what he says.

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 23/11/2023 21:33

It's absolutely okay for you to feel hurt that Is a horrible horrible thing to have to know. It also isn't his fault if the physical side is fucked the fact he's searching these things show he actually loves you despite attraction.. but that won't be enough

  1. Are you happy with how you are ?
Specso · 23/11/2023 21:47

You need to figure out how you feel but it would be over if it was me. I couldn’t possibly be with someone who doesn’t fancy me to the point they were googling those things and closing their eyes during sex.

It’s not really his fault if he’s lost attraction and he can’t help how he feels but he should communicate and at least try and talk about it. If you stay in the relationship and marry him knowing what you do you’ll just be waiting for the day you find out he’s cheated.

Dacadactyl · 23/11/2023 21:54

Specso · 23/11/2023 21:47

You need to figure out how you feel but it would be over if it was me. I couldn’t possibly be with someone who doesn’t fancy me to the point they were googling those things and closing their eyes during sex.

It’s not really his fault if he’s lost attraction and he can’t help how he feels but he should communicate and at least try and talk about it. If you stay in the relationship and marry him knowing what you do you’ll just be waiting for the day you find out he’s cheated.

You'd break up your family rather than attempt to get back to where you were in the past, figure wise?!

Original poster
Utterlyworthless · 23/11/2023 21:57

Baby is 7 months old I also have two other children with disabilities that are older

OP posts:
Original poster
Utterlyworthless · 23/11/2023 21:57

I’ve brought it up with him and he’s said it’s not his fault I’m insecure and he wouldnt care if I fantasise about other men

OP posts:
Specso · 23/11/2023 22:05

🙄 Sure because women should ensure they look a certain way despite carrying and birthing HIS child just so he can keep his hard on.

I’d get back to where I was ‘figure wise’ as you put it as and when I wanted to. OP’s worth is not based on the dress size in the label of her clothes. I’d also be teaching my children that everyone deserves to be loved exactly as they are. Not teaching them you have to be skinny to be found attractive. If it meant not being in a relationship with their Dad anymore who can only have sex with me with his eyes closed then yes, that’s what I’d do.

Dacadactyl · 23/11/2023 22:05

I've just noticed your username, which is quite concerning.

How is he otherwise? Is he a good dad/husband? Other than his phone search, Di you have any other issues with him?

Dacadactyl · 23/11/2023 22:08

@specso, well we're all different.

If my husband went up to 20 stone or whatever, I can tell you know it'd be an issue for me and I'd be mentioning it to him.

Xmaspenguin · 23/11/2023 22:12

Dacadactyl · 23/11/2023 21:54

You'd break up your family rather than attempt to get back to where you were in the past, figure wise?!

Show quote history

Knowing what I know now and how my marriage ended, yes I would. And I would advise any other person to do the same.

People change over relationships and if your partner cannot accept that, then they are no longer the person for you. Even if you were to lose the weight, it will never repair the emotional damage that's done. You would be forever worried about whether or not they were still attracted to you. What if you went grey, got wrinkles or God forbid something more serious happened? Could you honestly rely on your partner to stand by you? That is not a nice place to be.

FWIW, I put on weight during my marriage. I lost it again and he still wasn't interested in me afterwards.

Original poster
Utterlyworthless · 23/11/2023 22:14

I used to be stick thin after I lost the baby weight with my last kids and was single for years and had time to devote to the gym. When I met him he said early on he couldn’t date a girl a size 12 or over. At that time I was a size 10/12 so he must have thought I was less.

I don’t blame him for finding me unattractive that’s not what it’s about so much as what I’ve seen that I don’t think I can get past. To be fair it’s not so much what he’s searched as how hurtful it is and how can I have sex with him again now? I’ll always wonder is he thinking of someone else.

His search history on Facebook was him searching his exes and other random women too so clearly he’s just always thinking of other women.

I know men are differently wired but I literally only think of him and yes I know he was looking at porn but I can get over that. What pains me Is to know he’s fantasising about people when he’s with me! How can I get over that????

OP posts:
hayu19 · 23/11/2023 22:15

My dh has been the same since having my sons, however he's always had a lower sex drive than me. It does cause problems.

NitsFlicks · 23/11/2023 22:16

There are people who lose sexual attraction to their partner after they have DC be it Madonna Whore Complex or just got the ick after seeing them as a parent. A lot of men take the woman for granted and stop trying once she had his baby. Sometimes there is like a clarity after having a DC with them that it's been a mistake or they aren't good life partner because you are now seeing them in reality rather than the a fantasy parent.

You already had 2 children before your current partner and baby daddy 2, it's unlikely you had a skinny perfect body before, if your body had to be perfect he wouldn't be with you over a year. Even if he would like you slimmer, there is a lot more to attraction than just your weight, he might have seen other things that turn him off. You should tell him you saw his search so it isn't insecurity out of nowhere and then both decide what you want to do.

NitsFlicks · 23/11/2023 22:18

I just saw your update. What he said should have been a redflag tbh and I really don't want the thread to be derailed into weight bashing women.
What do you want to happen? Because I wouldn't want him even if I lost the weight.

Original poster
Utterlyworthless · 23/11/2023 22:20

I did tell him I saw his search if you read my other replies and tbh my body was really good before we had the baby I was gym-ing constantly and had a boob job/lift so I felt better than I did before I’d had kids - which I never thought I’d feel.

But it’s not like we haven’t been having sex recently we have it most days! We had it the whole pregnancy and he was upset when we stopped once our baby was newborn as I was too tired.

It’s only the last month I’ve noticed he’s not been able to keep it up - when the lights are on! But even before then I’ve always noticed his eyes are shut like he’s deep away thinking about someone else.

Well now I know he is.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/11/2023 22:33

You'd break up your family rather than attempt to get back to where you were in the past, figure wise

If your marriage is dependent on your figure, it's not really much of a marriage, unless you knew that that was what you were agreeing to when you decided to marry. Most of us want more than that.

Original poster
Utterlyworthless · 23/11/2023 22:35

He’s now on the phone to his brother (or brothers wife probably as always chats to her 🙄) sharing our relationship problems with them instead of being an adult dealing with them with me. So even if we were to mend it now he’s fucked it by deciding to share it with family - how can I ever be around them again now he’s no doubt told them what has happened.

OP posts:
Specso · 23/11/2023 22:37

Absolutely, everyone is different.

As I said in my post, I think he should mention it but it sounds like he hasn’t.

I just don’t agree that people should be made to feel like they’re only attractive and worthy if they’re slim. OP is already feeling worthless and the message ‘lose some weight then you’ll be worthy’ isn’t a message I agree with at all.

Original poster
Utterlyworthless · 23/11/2023 22:38

Also I never said I want to stay this size I am more than happy to go to the gym and get back in shape as I’m miserable also!

It’s just hard as I’m a carer to my disabled children and a stay at home mum to our new baby. I have no family help and the other break I get is when he comes home to help out and even then I still do the majority!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/11/2023 22:40

Utterlyworthless · 23/11/2023 22:35

He’s now on the phone to his brother (or brothers wife probably as always chats to her 🙄) sharing our relationship problems with them instead of being an adult dealing with them with me. So even if we were to mend it now he’s fucked it by deciding to share it with family - how can I ever be around them again now he’s no doubt told them what has happened.

He's embarrassing himself, not you.

Opentooffers · 23/11/2023 22:45

Somehow you managed to be a single mum to 2 DC and go to the gym lots. So if he'd like you to revert back to how you were, it's down to him to do his bit so that you can go back to the gym. Put that to him, it will be good for you and him to pull his weight when home.

MiddleParking · 23/11/2023 22:47

When I met him he said early on he couldn’t date a girl a size 12 or over. At that time I was a size 10/12 so he must have thought I was less.

Assuming he has passable eyesight, he’ll have known you were an entirely normal sized woman when he told you that he couldn’t go out with an entirely normal sized woman. FYI that sentence in the early days of a relationship directly translates to “I am a colossal and irredeemable dickhead and you should run a mile”.

Watchkeys · 23/11/2023 22:48

Not sure why people are suggesting you find ways to lose the weight, @Utterlyworthless , with regard to your relationship issue. Your husband has proved himself to be shallow and disrespectful, and is ogling other women.

Do you actually want to be with him anymore?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/11/2023 22:49

Utterlyworthless · 23/11/2023 22:14

I used to be stick thin after I lost the baby weight with my last kids and was single for years and had time to devote to the gym. When I met him he said early on he couldn’t date a girl a size 12 or over. At that time I was a size 10/12 so he must have thought I was less.

I don’t blame him for finding me unattractive that’s not what it’s about so much as what I’ve seen that I don’t think I can get past. To be fair it’s not so much what he’s searched as how hurtful it is and how can I have sex with him again now? I’ll always wonder is he thinking of someone else.

His search history on Facebook was him searching his exes and other random women too so clearly he’s just always thinking of other women.

I know men are differently wired but I literally only think of him and yes I know he was looking at porn but I can get over that. What pains me Is to know he’s fantasising about people when he’s with me! How can I get over that????

I feel so sad for you. You wouldn't be thinking about your sexual needs if he's out on weight due to growing your child you'd just love him more. You deserve the same.

I totally disagree he'd be ok if he knew you were imagining Anthony Joshua when having sex with him.

How is he treating you the rest of the time?

The irony is if you break up you'll probably lose the weight due to stress 😫

TrishyLou1111 · 23/11/2023 22:49

Specso · 23/11/2023 22:05

🙄 Sure because women should ensure they look a certain way despite carrying and birthing HIS child just so he can keep his hard on.

I’d get back to where I was ‘figure wise’ as you put it as and when I wanted to. OP’s worth is not based on the dress size in the label of her clothes. I’d also be teaching my children that everyone deserves to be loved exactly as they are. Not teaching them you have to be skinny to be found attractive. If it meant not being in a relationship with their Dad anymore who can only have sex with me with his eyes closed then yes, that’s what I’d do.

Edited

This 👏