OH not interested in me

[Utterlyworthless]

I’ve NC for this as I don’t want it linked to my other posts, not that I’ve posted in a long time as I’ve been genuinely happy.

Been with my partner a couple of years, recently had a baby and we seemed really good together.

He borrowed my old phone a while back as his broke and when I went to wipe his stuff (he’s bad with tech) one of his searches was “I don’t fancy my partner any more.” I’ve gained a lot of weight since having a baby and I know he loves skinny women and I’m basically a size 18 now!

This was a few months ago and somehow I’ve managed to just move on and forget about it whilst trying to make more of an effort in myself and hating myself.

Anyway, he has a very high sex drive but these days he can’t keep erect when having sex with me. I’ve just felt so strongly to look on his phone and low and behold tonight he’s been searching “is it ok to fantasise about other women when having sex with my partner” and his other tabs are all skinny girls with no boobs (I am the opposite) and about losing an erection when having sex with partner.

I just feel utter shit. I also know he plans to propose to me over xmas (his stupid searches showed up too so I saw that months ago when he had my old phone!)

What do I do? I’ve noticed whenever I do stuff with him he’s closed his eyes. I feel so awful and shit in myself. I hate myself anyway but this just makes me feel worthless! I am so attracted to him too I don’t even think of anyone else and haven’t our whole relationship and here I am lying in bed with a man who can’t bare to have sex with me.

It has nothing to do with love or even respect. It's just a way of making the moment more exciting. There is nothing wrong with it

@BlueEyedPeanut

You are aware that these are just opinions, though? And that people generally don't like their partner thinking of someone else whilst having sex with them? You speak as though you think that it's a fact that there's 'nothing wrong with it', but which rule book are you reading from? We are all entitled to disagree with you, aren't we, and you can't tell us that we're 'wrong'?

when their old man is on them

Wow. Your view of sex is very romantic!

I can tell you that you are being ridiculous and controlling if you genuinely believe you have the right to know someone else's private thoughts. It is none of your business what other people think about.

"people generally don't like their partner thinking of someone else whilst having sex with them"

People generally don't know when this happens.

I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through similar it’s like they’ve searched the same thing and it’s utterly heartbreaking especially when we’ve carried their baby and done all of this and they haven’t done through what we have. Then we have hormones and all sorts and still even then we try to continue the romance and sex side of things. Feel free to DM me for support.

For those saying I shouldn’t have looked, as I said before he used one of MY old phones and didn’t erase anything on it so I accidentally saw him searching all about not fancying me. Then yes I did go on his phone tonight because he’s been really off with me when it comes to sex which is very unlike him. It’s been going on for over a week and I wanted to see if he’d done any more Google searches about not fancying me or even worse if he was cheating. Somethings not been right for longer but the lack of sex tipped me to paranoia.

I don’t get why people are shocked it’s gone to him moving out. I can’t get past this as I know whenever I have sex with him he will want to imagine I’m someone else. Maybe that’s normal to some but to me I look at my partner and adore him and only think of him. He’s admitted tonight when I asked who he thinks of when he does it that “I may fantasise about a hot girl I saw when out driving instead of you” so that’s just great!

Theres a lot more I’m not saying - when we’re out he oogles at other women and early in my relationship my sister and work colleague both said he was flirty with them. I mean my sister!!! I stupidly ignored it all as he passed himself off as just being over friendly. I’m an idiot.

Lol not at all. But I am an adult who doesn't live in a fantasy world where I need to be the most beautiful woman my DH has ever seen. I am old. I have a saggy tummy and wrinkly thighs. I have no idea if DH fantasises about other women, nor do I care, because he loves me, he is with me, and we have a great life together.

@BlueEyedPeanut

You are not the authority here. OP knows that her partner is thinking of other people, and she doesn't like it.

I can tell you that you are being ridiculous and controlling if you genuinely believe you have the right to know someone else's private thoughts

You are insulting me about a point I never made and don't believe.

People generally don't know when this happens

But if they find out, they don't usually like it. Perhaps you think it's best that couples keep it from each other, and deceive, instead.

Batshit post, showing no understanding of either relationships, or the post it was responding to.

But I am an adult who doesn't live in a fantasy world where I need to be the most beautiful woman my DH has ever seen

Most of us don't live in that world, but many of us have more respect for our partners than to speak of them that way, and more attraction than to need to think of others.

Shame you don't have the connection with your partner to feel you have a full understanding of where he's at when he's having sex with you. That's not intimacy, it's just sex. But whatever floats your boat. Wouldn't float mine.

@Watchkeys well, good luck to you if you think attraction is more important than love.

We all get old, if we're lucky. Looks fade and bodies change. It isn't physical attraction that keeps couples together then.

@BlueEyedPeanut

good luck to you if you think attraction is more important than love

Wow. Your inferences are miles away. Never said this, never thought it. Figment of your imagination.

@Watchkeys thanks for your posts honestly it’s not very nice hearing from some people who seem to want to tear me down more than even my partner has!

For the person saying love is keeping their relationship together not physical attraction - well good for you but I want both and as I’m in my early 30’s as is my partner I don’t think it’s hard to ask for someone who currently after just two years together still finds me physically attractive. If after two years he’s already searching on Google for help because he’s not attracted to me/fantasising about other women then in my eyes that means our relationship is pretty much over.

I have love from my children I don’t need just love from him I want to feel desired and clearly I don’t do that for him.

I'm so sorry OP, I don't think there is any saving this situation. I am a size 18 (not as a result of a baby!) and have found this thread horribly upsetting to read. I have been in very similar scenarios (partner closing their eyes, going soft, turning lights down) and they absolutely destroyed my self-esteem and now I feel like sex and relationships are for people on another planet, I don't want to go looking for one and I don't want to put myself in that situation again. The thought of someone seeing me naked brings back those memories and makes me feel sick.

@Utterlyworthless

He's not the final judge of whether you are attractive or not. He doesn't even sound like an adult, let alone a final judge of anything!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a size 18, and there are plenty of men out there that like curvaceous women. I know, because I've always been slim, and I've been rejected by men who want curves. Everyone has different tastes. I like men who are slightly bigger, and men who are slim or who have muscles are a huge turn off for me.

However, real love wouldn't affect your attraction to someone if their size changed. And it certainly wouldn't affect your love for them.

The main thing is to become confident in yourself and to love yourself. So if you prefer to be slimmer, you will be again. Don't let a man who doesn't value you enough, affect how you feel about you.

it goes both ways. you fancy who you fancy. I personally am attracted to slim, athletic men.... its just the way it is. clearly he still loves her and is struggling with this.

and losing weight to keep the spark going is not a bad thing. sometimes men also need to lose weight to regain their partner's interest?

Just to add another way of thinking about this. I've also been with a partner and also someone who I was dating who really liked skinny women. At the time I was skinny, so obviously I was their type. However, the moment I started putting on a bit of weight, their attraction started going down, and/or the little criticisms started. And I was still slim! Even after having a baby, but it wasn't good enough.

Also, I've dated guys who have really been attracted to me, for me. They didn't have such a highly specific type. That's the kind of person to be happy with.

Having said that, if you can talk properly about this before throwing in the towel, that would be better. Until then it's difficult to know for sure exactly what he thinks and feels.

Because OP isn’t happy with her weight either…

@tuvamoodyson

Because OP isn’t happy with her weight either

Yes, that's why I said 'with regard to her relationship issue'...

@Utterlyworthless yeah it's crap. There was porn searches on there which i don't care about but right after he had searched about not being attracted to me he had googled one of the school mums (name, town). He doesn't have social media so I'm assuming this type of search will bring up their social media platforms. Im falling to bits over here... but you do you hun 😂

For those saying you shouldn't have looked. He's your partner. You shouldn't have had to look to find this out. If somethings off in your relationship why wouldn't you look.. never understand this narrative

If somethings off in your relationship why wouldn't you look

Because, as a responsible adult, you would recognise that if you need to snoop, then you can't trust your partner to give you an honest answer, and, therefore, the relationship is over.

If something is off in your relationship, you talk. Responding to a problem by snooping is meeting dishonesty with dishonesty.

@Watchkeys nonsense.

There are men that would never ever confess regardless of how many honest conversations women try to have. That's why some get away with affairs for so long because women are forced to believe they shouldn't follow their gut and look.

Also the passive aggressive "responsible adult" shite... 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I’m sorry but 99% of the threads on here are from women who have found their partner to be acting weird and have snooped and found they’re cheating or have some other major issue to the relationship

Tbh im glad I snooped because I’d have accepted his proposal on Christmas Day having no idea that he doesn’t fancy me any more!!!

He finally admitted to me this morning that yes since I had the baby he’s lost all desire for me completely. He says he still loves me and wants to make it work but for me I’ll always know that unless I stay stick thin he’ll be uninterested in me. Even then he also admitted that he does have a problem and that in every relationship he gets a kick out of thinking of being intimate with other women instead. That’s his thing.

Had I not snooped I’d have been the madly in love naive idiot I’ve been for the last 2 years. Personally, I’d rather find out the truth and he would have never told me until I saw it with my own eyes!

And we did talk multiple times because something was off. He swore to me he fancied me so much and desired me. He would have kept that lie up now if I’d not been proven otherwise.

For what it's worth, as your name states, you are NOT utterly worthless. You never have been. Many women would feel exactly the same, myself included. Your feelings are valid.

Regardless of what happens, be the strong, independent woman that you are. Do what's right for you and your baby, nobody else.

He can fantasise all he likes about every woman he sees, but ALL of us are gonna grow old, and our physical appearance changes. Even the woman he fantasised about whilst out driving.

This is all a reflection of him as a person and not you at all. That's evident. Has he's already told you he loves you. But if this was me, and I was you, on this occasion, love wouldn't be enough.

I hope you're okay. Xx

This x1000

Snooping is demeaning to all concerned.

The thing is, @Utterlyworthless You could have realise a step before you snooped, that by wanting to snoop, you didn't trust him.

Why wasn't that enough? Why weren't your feelings of distrust enough to make you want to end a relationship? Have a think about that. You're basically saying 'I needed proof because I didn't trust my feelings' Getting to the bottom of why that's the case will stop you ever having another relationship that doesn't feel 100% What you've done is stoop, to prove your point, like punching someone to shut them up. Sure, it works, but it's an unnecessary and self-disrespecting action.

But, however you've got there, it's good that you have reached the conclusion that you have. What are you going to do now? Hopefully, you'll be very, very nice yourself, no matter what it is.