OH not interested in me

[Utterlyworthless]

I’ve NC for this as I don’t want it linked to my other posts, not that I’ve posted in a long time as I’ve been genuinely happy.

Been with my partner a couple of years, recently had a baby and we seemed really good together.

He borrowed my old phone a while back as his broke and when I went to wipe his stuff (he’s bad with tech) one of his searches was “I don’t fancy my partner any more.” I’ve gained a lot of weight since having a baby and I know he loves skinny women and I’m basically a size 18 now!

This was a few months ago and somehow I’ve managed to just move on and forget about it whilst trying to make more of an effort in myself and hating myself.

Anyway, he has a very high sex drive but these days he can’t keep erect when having sex with me. I’ve just felt so strongly to look on his phone and low and behold tonight he’s been searching “is it ok to fantasise about other women when having sex with my partner” and his other tabs are all skinny girls with no boobs (I am the opposite) and about losing an erection when having sex with partner.

I just feel utter shit. I also know he plans to propose to me over xmas (his stupid searches showed up too so I saw that months ago when he had my old phone!)

What do I do? I’ve noticed whenever I do stuff with him he’s closed his eyes. I feel so awful and shit in myself. I hate myself anyway but this just makes me feel worthless! I am so attracted to him too I don’t even think of anyone else and haven’t our whole relationship and here I am lying in bed with a man who can’t bare to have sex with me.

As you’ve said you are unhappy with your weight yourself, I’d tell him that it’s upsetting you and you need support from him to sort it. He needs to step up and be doing his share of the housework and childcare so that you can get back to the gym when he is home after work

It seems like there is alot of other frustrations going on in the background of this. Change for you at your own pace because juggling all you are juggling is hard I know that and there probably isn't very much energy left. I've started incorporating it into playing with my 10mo just to get some in

What pains me Is to know he’s fantasising about people when he’s with me! How can I get over that

Why do you think you should get over that, @Utterlyworthless ? Why do you think that you need to silence your feelings on this?

If I were you, don't leave him now if that's not convenient for you and the baby, BUT do absolutely what you want to do all the time. Only have sex if you want to if he does and you don't suggest he sorts himself out. Go to the gym and eat good food for YOU (don't share with him) - I have loved buggy fit and baby Pilates as you can take babies with you and they really enjoy it. Do hair and make up and wear heeled boots so that you can smile at the barista not at him. Plenty of men like women who are your current size btw.

Well he’s already talking about moving out and when he can see the baby so to be honest he doesn’t seem like he cares to try either. So much for planning to propose to me at Christmas 😂

that sucks OP, but also you went looking for problems and found them. he didn't approach you with this and it seems like he was trying to solve the "problem" on his own.

I don't it's fair to police someone's thoughts or their private searches either. Attraction often peaks and troughs in a relationship especially with small babies, if you think he is planning to propose then he clearly doesn't think this is a relationship ending problem.

It's your body, what do you want? Are you happy with it, do you feel comfortable in you own skin? if yes then enjoy your new shape dress well and be confident.

If not, you've just had a baby, take it easy and maybe do some walking and get him to step up at home.

You are not worthless and your size doesn't define your worth, give yourself a break. Talk to yourself how you would your best friend, not your worst enemy!

This must feel awful OP. But you really need to talk to him.

It looks like he loves you, as he is trying to find a solution to the problem, but I don’t t think either of you are handling it well.

have you thought about counselling? This situation could really benefit from a constructive conversation.

I think pps are being harsh about him- no-one can help who they fancy.

Total selfish wanker - I’m sorry you’ve ended up with such a shallow, arsehole. At least you don’t have to feel like you need to have sex with him again. Take it all one day at a time, whatever you do, do not beg him to stay - get him straight on babysitting rota and make the most of sharing the children so you can get some well deserved rest

wtf? thats an insane escalation, how's it gotten there?

This really shows you how much he cares about your feelings.

Why is he saying he's moving out? What's he actually upset about, seeing as he thinks there's nothing to be upset about?

Agreed it’s gone from 0- he’s leaving me in 2 hours? This has got to be a wind up?

You deserve better than this. You created a bloody life and rather than marvelling at that and recognising that that has consequences for a body, he’s worried about his hard on (or lack of one). If he really is prepared to leave on the basis of being challenged on his juvenile focus on physical attraction when you’ve not long had a baby then good riddance to bad rubbish.

He wants to stay with you because he loves you for you. Maybe you should see a couples therapist to hash out the physical issues and what it means to both of you, before he proposes. There's a communication issue there too.

Sorry, didn't see this, ignore my first comment. UGH. He is disgusting, not you!!

A wind up? I wish 😂 this is my life thanks!

He was on the phone to his dad not asking for advice like I thought but telling his dad it’s over and making his plans to move out. He lives at my house and so knows that if this relationship is over he loses everything so he’s called his dad to find a roof to live under.

He’s also telling me now how if we split I’m choosing to destroy our family because I’m selfish and how our baby will grow up without seeing their father much thanks to me - even though I’ve never said he can’t be around the baby.

If ever we argue yes it is 0-100 but at the same time it’s been ages since we’ve had a dispute and he knows I’m done this time as I can’t get past this. 😔

@Utterlyworthless if this is the case then I’m really sorry. And him leaving is doing you a favour. You don’t need 0-100 when you are already not feeling great. It all sounds very unstable and not healthy for you or the kids.

let him leave and don’t let him come back

It sounds like he’s not adjusting to life with a baby if he’s got to moving out over this, or something else is going on. It’s a pretty major escalation. Did you tell him what you’ve said here about how you’d struggle to urge sex with him now you think he’s fantasising about other women? Did he think you were trying to break up with him? It’s hard to imagine how it’s gone to get to this point. How long have you been together?

He’s also telling me now how if we split I’m choosing to destroy our family

But he's the one who hurt you, and he's the one threatening to move out. What's he actually blaming you for? Having hurt feelings? Is that what you've done wrong? To be hurt because your partner is looking at other women and thinking about them, with your knowledge, whilst having sex with you?

What does he think you're supposed to feel like? Does he think you're a sex doll, with an eternally slim figure and no feelings at all?

Look honestly, I think you need out of this. He sounds toxic, immature dickhead.

Forget about losing weight right now, you have enough to worry about. Enjoy being a mum to a baby, and do what makes you happy.

If he doesn’t find you attractive find someone else who does and will love you as you are now.

I put on weight after dc. Like you I was very health conscious, worked out loads pre-kids. Maybe my dh feels the same way as your partner secretly but if so it has never shown. That said as far as I’m aware he was never the type to say he’d only date women of a certain size. That would have been a red flag for me.

He sounds immature and he hasn’t adjusted well to being a parent as he’s so unsupportive. Tbh, I’m not sure that he’s worth staying with, thank goodness you own your house.

Re. Your weight gain. In all honesty, I fancy my DH less since he’s gained weight, but I still love him. I’m not interested in anyone else.
I don’t think it’s uncommon for attraction to fluctuate in a LTR, but mature people don’t behave like your partner.

I'm really confused. What has he actually done wrong? He hasn't cheated. He hasn't told you to lose weight. He hasn't told you you are a turnoff. He wasn't planning to leave you. All he did was try to address the issue himself while sparing your feelings. It was you who went looking through his phone. It was you who got yourself hurt. You can't blame him for that. He was trying. You're just giving up.

@BlueEyedPeanut

He's fantasising about other women whilst having sex with OP. You might find that acceptable, but many, including the majority of the thread, wouldn't. You don't have to 'blame' someone in order to find what they're doing repulsive and a relationship deal breaker. There's no law against thinking about someone else whilst having sex. But are you saying that OP shouldn't have her own emotional response to that, and should instead concentrate on her own wrongdoing?

What rules do you think she should be obeying, that state that thinking about someone else during sex is fine, but looking at someone's phone isn't? There are no actual rules about what's ok and what isn't, are there?

Just came to this thread and feel a bit confused as to how everything escalated so fast.
You were having sex almost every day but you found something on his phone, including he's going to propose to you.
Then he's moving out. How the hell did that happen?

Anyway, I feel for you. I don't think this is necessarily a dealbreaker but it does require a mature and honest conversation between you.

The problem I have is him looking up exes on facebook, and him not talking to you about how he was feeling. I mean, it's difficult I know, but seeing as you want to lose the post-pregnancy weight and you've done it before, he could be offering to help with stuff so you can go to the gym. Otherwise it's not really fair.

Ohh Op 😞 I'm in a similar position.

I've just had a baby three weeks ago. Shit labour. Emergency c section. Lost lots of blood so I'm anaemic. My wound is infected so feeling crap. Really low mood (midwife thinks PND). Struggled with breastfeeding so racked with mam guilt. Partner not as supportive as I'd hoped...

seen on his phone the other day that he had googled not sexually attracted to partner after pregnancy. Felt like a kick in the teeth when I'm feeling crap anyways. I have put weight on so already felt crap myself but now feel really conscious as I've been letting him see me naked and stuff (I've always been conscious of my weight so never really used to be naked in front of him) and feel now like I can't because he's obviously disgusted. He's been making all the meals and we've been eating lots of crap together and I've just stopped it. I've now took to eating a small breakfast and one meal (evening) a day. I'm spending my days tired and hungry on top of being a new struggling mum (I already feel like an awful mam with everything else going on). I think he knows I seen it, I left the page open on the iPad but I haven't brought it up because it's his iPad and ultimately he can't help how he feels. He asked me before if I loved him ... was probably expecting me to start but I didn't have the energy even if I wanted to.

Can't offer you any help just a handhold and letting you know I understand. Keep your chin up. You weren't put on this earth to satisfy him so don't kill yourself trying to

It's no one's business what anyone else fantasises about. Plenty of women think about famous actors or singers when their old man is on them. It has nothing to do with love or even respect. It's just a way of making the moment more exciting. There is nothing wrong with it. The OP wouldn't even know about it if she hadn't invaded his privacy. She can be hurt all she wants, but the fallout from this is on her. Don't go through people's phones. Don't read people's diaries. Stay out of people's heads. Stay out of places you don't belong.