OH not interested in me

[Utterlyworthless]

I’ve NC for this as I don’t want it linked to my other posts, not that I’ve posted in a long time as I’ve been genuinely happy.

Been with my partner a couple of years, recently had a baby and we seemed really good together.

He borrowed my old phone a while back as his broke and when I went to wipe his stuff (he’s bad with tech) one of his searches was “I don’t fancy my partner any more.” I’ve gained a lot of weight since having a baby and I know he loves skinny women and I’m basically a size 18 now!

This was a few months ago and somehow I’ve managed to just move on and forget about it whilst trying to make more of an effort in myself and hating myself.

Anyway, he has a very high sex drive but these days he can’t keep erect when having sex with me. I’ve just felt so strongly to look on his phone and low and behold tonight he’s been searching “is it ok to fantasise about other women when having sex with my partner” and his other tabs are all skinny girls with no boobs (I am the opposite) and about losing an erection when having sex with partner.

I just feel utter shit. I also know he plans to propose to me over xmas (his stupid searches showed up too so I saw that months ago when he had my old phone!)

What do I do? I’ve noticed whenever I do stuff with him he’s closed his eyes. I feel so awful and shit in myself. I hate myself anyway but this just makes me feel worthless! I am so attracted to him too I don’t even think of anyone else and haven’t our whole relationship and here I am lying in bed with a man who can’t bare to have sex with me.

Tough one because I can understand both perspectives.

It is obviously extremely superficial of him and I can completely understand why you’re so hurt. I think people are attracted to certain things though and I’m not entirely sure whether I’d still be attracted to my DH if he gained a lot of weight. I probably wouldn’t notice or care about a few pounds but it sounds as though you’ve gained quite a lot and possibly look like a different person. The fact you’ve only been together two years is probably a contributing factor too, it isn’t very long.

Going forwards, it’s entirely up to you how you manage this. You can either use it as fuel to lose the weight and get back to a healthy size or you can dump him for being a superficial arsehole. Neither option is wrong.

@TrishyLou1111 thanks for your message I’ll keep reading it through the day as feeling so crap right now 💔

I can imagine you are.

Everyone will have their opinions, but the truth is, they'd all be snooping if it was them in that situation. It's not meeting dishonesty with dishonesty. It's moving with a gut feeling, and that's okay. Like I said, your feelings are valid.

Have things settled down? X

@TrishyLou1111
Well today he went to work and seemed fine all day barely messaged me and when he did it was only to ask about seeing our baby (and messages were all sent in a jovial way) nothing about missing me or wanting me back. It’s almost like he’s relieved I’ve ended it even though last night he made out he was devastated and loved me.

The fact I had to end it when I didn’t even want to hurts so bad but him not seeming to care hurts even more.

He left the engagement ring he was going to propose to me this Christmas with on his bedside table this morning too almost as a gesture of “well you could have had this.” Thing is I would have accepted if I’d not found this out 😔

I just feel so deflated I can’t even eat so at least hopefully I’ll lose some weight. I’ve gone to see family but I’m not telling them yet although he’s told everyone he knows already.

Oh and he’s moved out tonight so I’ll be heading home to an empty house shortly.

I know it hurts now but I would say in a few months time it will be a weight lifted off your shoulders. Don't be with someone who doesn't appreciate you. You had a baby you will obviously put on weight. He was trying to be sensitive towards how he felt by hiding it, and it's bit him in the arse.

Sending you lots of strength to get through this tough time. Focus on your kids and yourself. Go to the gym, if you can't get out because of childcare, do workouts at home. You can find some good workouts to follow on YouTube - some don't even require weights. If you, yourself, are not happy with how your weight is, use this time as motivation to get fitter and healthier - set some goals and smash them. Even if you don't lose weight, there will be someone out there who will love you for you!

When I met my DH, he was a ripped body builder and I was over weight, size 16 4ft 11 - I have wide hips so didn't carry the weight well. I was insecure and didn't want to show my body, he used to tell me that I was perfect the way I was and had a beautiful figure. I put on 2-3 stone when we had our first child, I got up to 14 stone - the heaviest I've ever been. During Covid I ended up losing 6 stone, I'm now 8-9 stone but I lost weight because I wanted too. People thought he pushed me to do it, but he never 🤣 it was because I wasn't happy with my weight. Moral of the story, a true man will love you no matter what, lose weight for you and not to please anyone!

Enjoy your time alone. It might not seem it, but serendipity is very healing.

I was the healthiest I'd been when I met my DH. a year and a baby later, and I've put on some weight. It happens. I'll lose it when I'm ready. Look after yourself.

It's going to be tough for the foreseeable, but you WILL be fine. Xx

Thanks ladies. Yes I am excited to get back to the gym I used to love weight training. But I can only really go now when he has our baby as I have no other family who help and his family don’t help either.

I honestly can’t believe this is my life thought I’d be with him forever and I don’t even think that way normally.

he was upset when we stopped once our baby was newborn as I was too tired.
This should have been the sign he was a selfish cunt, you're well rid

Work out a schedule that suits you and he can look after his child then.

We either enjoy or we learn.

You can learn from this op. Time will see you picking yourself up again. But next time, if someone tells you at the beginning that they'll only find you attractive if you're skinny, you need to say 'well it's been lovely to meet you, but I think we'll go our separate ways now.' Ditto flirting with your sister.