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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel awful, should I tell her?

103 replies

lp67 · 20/11/2023 21:12

A few years ago I was at uni and a girl was starting to join our friendship group. I didn’t really know her at the time but she seemed nice and has gradually now, over the years, become part of our core group.
It was in the early days of her joining our group that we were all on a night out and a couple of the girls boyfriends were there.
This girls boyfriend ended up kissing me. We all slept in the same house that night and the next day (when sober) he said to me ‘I’m surprised we didn’t end up in one of the bedrooms together’. I just ignored him and went into another room.
Now this girl and this same guy are married and have just had a baby.
I have felt so so guilty over the years and this has now intensified with their baby news. I know I only have myself to blame for this. Out of everyone in the group I am least close with her, maybe because I’ve always had this guilt in the back of my mind.
I realise my part in this, we were very young and we were drunk but it takes two to tango. I feel very guilty and have never done anything like this since, nor would I. Her now husband has added me on Facebook and instagram at odd hours, like 3am, when he’s been on a night out. I’ve seen him a couple of times since and I get the vibe he fancies me but I’ve just kept my distance completely as I feel awkward.
I was watching a chat show the other day and this topic came up, someone said they would always let their friend know if their partner is a cheat, but they would do it via anonymous letter.
Should I tell her? Would you want to know?
I wish I had just grown a pair said something initially when it first happened.

OP posts:
Cosywintertime · 21/11/2023 07:10

TheOccupier · 20/11/2023 21:36

Block the husband off your socials but don't say anything to the wife. He clearly can't keep it in his pants so she'll catch him out sooner or later without your involvement.

What? He drunkenly kissed the op when at uni. Years ago. Nothing to say he’s can’t keep it In his pants. Give over.

howshouldibehave · 21/11/2023 07:13

was watching a chat show the other day and this topic came up, someone said they would always let their friend know if their partner is a cheat, but they would do it via anonymous letter.Should I tell her?

So, land him in the shit without implicating you at all? Nice.

JanefromLondon1 · 21/11/2023 07:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

TinkerTiger · 21/11/2023 07:46

amoobaa · 20/11/2023 21:21

Would telling her actually be a gesture intended to help her… or would it really be for yourself, to rid you of your guilt?

Or help the OP's jealousy? Are you upset that she's married with a child now, and you want her to know that he would've chosen YOU all those years ago? 🙄

Cosywintertime · 21/11/2023 07:50

What’s going on with you op? Why are you wanting to cause some damage here? Honestly if someone said to me your husband and I had a drunken kiss years ago at uni, I’d be like eh, so what? I’d feel sorry for you and wonder why you were so obsessed and trying to get involved in our marriage. I’d assume you were jealous and lonely. Possibly wrongly. But that’s what I’d think you had issues.

so what’s going on with you that you are wanting to do this, even writing an anonymous letter, and even the way you write it is odd, that he kissed you, like you’d nothing to do with it.

did you have a crush on him? Upset it didn’t go further? See her married to him with a child and still feeling upset it’s not you?

LovelyDaaling · 21/11/2023 07:59

Get it into perspective, it was a kiss years ago. He probably kissed lots of girls after you but since decided to stay with his girlfriend/now wife. He's moved on long ago and you should too. Forget it and say nothing.

theduchessofspork · 21/11/2023 08:05

Don’t be daft!

No

just forget about it, it was a kiss when you were v young

itsmyp4rty · 21/11/2023 08:09

If you wanted to tell her then the time to do it was when it happened, not to wait until she was married and had a baby. It was a kiss, definitely not worth ruining her life for.
Instead block her husband on everything you own, or are you secretly enjoying the attention?

Lindy2 · 21/11/2023 08:12

No you don't try to damage a marriage over 1 long ago drunken kiss and a "vibe".

Leave them be.

If you still have issues with this I would suggest you keep your distance from them.

BenZodiazapam · 21/11/2023 08:14

Oh god no. It was a teenage (or close enough) drunken snog. I imagine most of us on here can point to at least 5 drunken snogs we shouldn’t have had while at uni! I can probably point to about 10 😂

Cosywintertime · 21/11/2023 08:15

itsmyp4rty · 21/11/2023 08:09

If you wanted to tell her then the time to do it was when it happened, not to wait until she was married and had a baby. It was a kiss, definitely not worth ruining her life for.
Instead block her husband on everything you own, or are you secretly enjoying the attention?

Honestly I think she is secretly thinking he fancies her and would rather be with her and would like to make this woman aware of this fact.

shes totally ignoring that if that was the case, he’d have done a lot more than kissed her drunk once. He’d habe asked her out, not continued with his wife, persued the op. She’s reading so much into the social media invites, not thinking he’s been up drunk and likely doing it for all his old uni friends. Even though she stays away from him when she sees him, she’s fantasising he fancies her.

onviously it’s the other way round. She’s a thing for this man.

BenZodiazapam · 21/11/2023 08:20

And it’s no big deal he’s added you on socials -he’s part of your extended social circle. I’m socials friends with most of my friends’ husbands and I see them occasionally when they’re out as part of the group. It doesn’t mean they want to shag me.

CurlewKate · 21/11/2023 08:28

Say nothing. You're only trying to make yourself feel better.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 21/11/2023 08:51

Go to confession or talk to a counsellor, but don't tell her anything about it, or respond to him on SM.

FloofCloud · 21/11/2023 09:59

You're just feeling guilt - swallow it and forget it - it was nothing, just move on

Whiskeypowers · 21/11/2023 10:05

Don’t be so ridiculous

Cosywintertime · 21/11/2023 10:27

FloofCloud · 21/11/2023 09:59

You're just feeling guilt - swallow it and forget it - it was nothing, just move on

It’s not guilt. lol. It was years and years ago, it was a drunken snog as teens or close to. She probably already knows.

there is something more to this, and it is all about the op .

MummyofTw0 · 21/11/2023 10:28

A drunken kiss is nothing. So just move on and forget. Otherwise you are going to create unnecessary drama and hurt. Just be mindful of your actions going forward and don't buy into any of his flirtations which might head your way

C1N1C · 21/11/2023 11:07

I'm absolutely against cheating and will call it out on here when everyone else is forgiving it...

...but this, no. Drunk, long time ago, no follow through... as others have said, you're not doing this for them, you're doing this for you.

Aposterhasnoname · 21/11/2023 11:33

Well aren’t you a peach, not only did you snog your mates boyfriend, but you’ve waited years until she’s at her most vulnerable with a new baby to decide that your need to unburden yourself of your “guilt” is sufficient to potentially destroy her marriage. Disgusting!

Mamato29192 · 21/11/2023 11:35

Don't say anything

QueenBitch666 · 21/11/2023 19:57

Leave them alone

5128gap · 21/11/2023 20:16

Aposterhasnoname · 21/11/2023 11:33

Well aren’t you a peach, not only did you snog your mates boyfriend, but you’ve waited years until she’s at her most vulnerable with a new baby to decide that your need to unburden yourself of your “guilt” is sufficient to potentially destroy her marriage. Disgusting!

I was trying to come up with a tactful way to say exactly what you've managed without any beating about the bush!
OP, there's also something in your post that comes over very badly. Its like you're still hugging this little nugget of being fancied by your friends boyfriend after all these years; and keen for an excuse to stir up some drama with yourself in the lead role as the woman he still has the hots for.
They're married and soon to be parents and your role in their story is a walk on at best.

Mistymist · 21/11/2023 22:31

Just get a life and leave them alone.

BackAgainstWall · 21/11/2023 22:54

No no and no.
Ignore and block.
Do not start stirring based on basically nothing and thin air.

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