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Original poster

Feel awful, should I tell her?

103 replies

lp67 · 20/11/2023 21:12

A few years ago I was at uni and a girl was starting to join our friendship group. I didn’t really know her at the time but she seemed nice and has gradually now, over the years, become part of our core group.
It was in the early days of her joining our group that we were all on a night out and a couple of the girls boyfriends were there.
This girls boyfriend ended up kissing me. We all slept in the same house that night and the next day (when sober) he said to me ‘I’m surprised we didn’t end up in one of the bedrooms together’. I just ignored him and went into another room.
Now this girl and this same guy are married and have just had a baby.
I have felt so so guilty over the years and this has now intensified with their baby news. I know I only have myself to blame for this. Out of everyone in the group I am least close with her, maybe because I’ve always had this guilt in the back of my mind.
I realise my part in this, we were very young and we were drunk but it takes two to tango. I feel very guilty and have never done anything like this since, nor would I. Her now husband has added me on Facebook and instagram at odd hours, like 3am, when he’s been on a night out. I’ve seen him a couple of times since and I get the vibe he fancies me but I’ve just kept my distance completely as I feel awkward.
I was watching a chat show the other day and this topic came up, someone said they would always let their friend know if their partner is a cheat, but they would do it via anonymous letter.
Should I tell her? Would you want to know?
I wish I had just grown a pair said something initially when it first happened.

OP posts:
GingerRedBull · 20/11/2023 22:20

You're clearly jealous. He would have been happy to shag you, but he wanted an actual relationship with her. And now with the baby news, you are feeling worse.

But, let's try it - how does the revelation go? "Hey Barb, I snogged your boyfriend back in the day".

Catandsquirrel · 20/11/2023 22:26

It would be inappropriate and disproportionate to tell her now, when having a baby that her partner cheated historically.

What would you want her to do about it and how should she feel?

Try and mentally give him the benefit of the doubt. Long time ago, just a kiss and they weren't married then with a baby on the way. They were at a totally different life stage and just happened to stay together. If he cheats now that was not ordained by him having a one off snog he shouldn't have at uni. He may or may not be a wrong un but you can't decide that for her now unless something happens now. Just put it behind you and move on.

GingerRedBull · 20/11/2023 22:27

Catandsquirrel · 20/11/2023 22:26

It would be inappropriate and disproportionate to tell her now, when having a baby that her partner cheated historically.

What would you want her to do about it and how should she feel?

Try and mentally give him the benefit of the doubt. Long time ago, just a kiss and they weren't married then with a baby on the way. They were at a totally different life stage and just happened to stay together. If he cheats now that was not ordained by him having a one off snog he shouldn't have at uni. He may or may not be a wrong un but you can't decide that for her now unless something happens now. Just put it behind you and move on.

Let's not put all the blame on him. OP snogged her friend's boyfriend, that's shitty behaviour.

PeacefulPottering · 20/11/2023 22:29

Definitely not.
He can ask to add you on socials to the cows come home.
What you do ( if you are a decent person) is recognize this is a minefield of drama, use the block button and don't give him a second thought.
You are over estimating a drunken uni days snog as something relevant now when they have just had a baby.
As someone else said;
Not your circus, not your monkeys.

SwedishSchnauzer · 20/11/2023 22:30

Nope it was a long time ago and a kiss.

GingerRedBull · 20/11/2023 22:30

Although even if this girl wasn't in OP's friendship group at the time, or it was early days, as OP is veeery careful to explain, OP till knew that he was the girl's boyfriend. Shitty behaviour, OP.

You want to put it on them because you feel guilty, and jealous. Don't you?

SwedishSchnauzer · 20/11/2023 22:31

I would also give him the benefit of doubt, a drunken kiss. So what if he finds you attractive now, he’s not coming in to you

GingerRedBull · 20/11/2023 22:32

And as for the socials - I had an ex once, who wanted to have an affair with me when he was subsequently married. I declined, and had zero interest in telling his wife. Because I didn't care about him any more, he was nothing to me. But you do care, don't you OP??

Jewelspun · 20/11/2023 22:35

You're making a drama out of nothing and I wonder what your motivation is to possibly destroy their relationship which is particularly nasty given they now have a baby.

Jealousy?

A drunken snog in the early days of their uni relationship and you want to Tuen it into him holding a torch for you ever since.

Get over yourself.

Dotcheck · 20/11/2023 22:36

Jesus, do you hate this woman so much that you’d throw a hand grenade into her life?

Interesting how you start the story by describing how she was an outsider.
Ulterior motives, me thinks

Towerofsong · 20/11/2023 22:37

Think about how it would come across to her.
She has an entire relationship and life with this bloke, a home life, a family life, holidays together, multiple layers of relationship, and they have just had a baby.
Suddenly someone she thinks is a friend announces that she snogged the bloke back in the day. She knows it was meaningless, and it was a long time ago and nobody said a thing. Or maybe he even did tell her at some stage so she knows.

She will wonder why you are trying to throw a nuclear bomb into their relationship and why now, when they have just had a baby. Why now, what are you trying to achieve? It will come across incredibly vindicative.

It was one kiss, and a comment the next day. All those years ago. It's meaningless in the context of their entire relationship.

Ignore /block him on social media. If he is going to behave poorly, make sure it's not going to be with you.

GingerRedBull · 20/11/2023 22:37

"This girls boyfriend ended up kissing me"

Ha ha OP. Did you play no part in it all?

Aquamarine1029 · 20/11/2023 22:38

I'm betting there's a very big part of you that loves creating drama and then observing the carnage from a safe distance.

You need to take a good long look at yourself if you even remotely think telling her this is a good idea.

AuntMarch · 20/11/2023 22:40

If you were going to tell her for her own benefit, it would have been before they had a wedding and a child. Do not blow up her whole world based on who he was at uni.
Most of us are idiots at the age one way or another. Chances are he grew up and decided she was the one to settle down with. And if he didn't, well by now there would be bigger issues that might rear their head I'm sure. Yours wouldn't even be significant!

Catandsquirrel · 20/11/2023 22:40

GingerRedBull · 20/11/2023 22:27

Let's not put all the blame on him. OP snogged her friend's boyfriend, that's shitty behaviour.

Show quote history

you're quite right- I read that as the man initiating the kiss and the OP going along with it in the moment.

Perhaps it was more mutual but the consequences if any, would involve the man and his partner, not so much OP.

Worst case scenario the marriage would be affected by a silly drunken kiss when they were students that has not been repeated. The OP would just feel absolved for a bit. Then guilty again but it wouldn't really affect her relationship and enjoyment of her pregnancy.

OP just forgive yourself and like I say give him the benefit of the doubt. There's really nothing useful she can do with this information.

SimpleGesture · 20/11/2023 22:40

Now they're married and have a baby, you want to spoil it by telling her about a silly drunken uni kiss from years ago??

Are you sure it's guilt, and not jealousy because he didn't continue to pursue you?

If you genuinely aren't interested in him at all, then just leave it. You're not innocent. You kissed your friends boyfriend. Do you want your current partner knowing you have an unfaithful disloyal amoral streak in you too? Or does the cheating only only apply to this bloke?

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/11/2023 22:42

Say nothing but block him.

RightNowRightHere · 20/11/2023 22:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GingerRedBull · 20/11/2023 22:46

OP also loves the drama of the cheating man following her socials. OP is implicit in this now, too.

Jellykat · 20/11/2023 22:47

It was a snog years ago, no big deal.. however it sounds like you want it to be..
Move on, forget it and leave them to enjoy their new baby together.

GettinChillyHereFFS · 20/11/2023 22:48

Whattodowithit88 · 20/11/2023 21:16

It was just a kiss and meant nothing. His obviously moved on, I so t understood why you would want to piss on their parade when they are about to have a baby.

Jealousy.

fortnumsfinest · 20/11/2023 22:49

You had 1 kiss years ago, is the hope of you telling her that she dumps him and he comes running to you? If so I think you might be sadly disappointed, if he wanted to be with you he would be by now op.

Nanny0gg · 20/11/2023 22:53

Why would you even think of doing that??

Do you hate her? Do you want to try and break them up?

kneehightoacat · 20/11/2023 22:54

Keep quiet

What would it achieve?

MayThe4th · 20/11/2023 23:00

Are you hoping she’ll leave him and then you can pounce?

All this talk of the guilt you feel over a kiss years ago, and claiming that he obviously fancies you. He almost certainly doesn’t, but it seems obvious that you fancy him and are jealous.

Oh and sending anonymous letters is one of the most gutless things that someone can do.

And before someone says that the person telling sometimes needs to protect themselves, that’s total bollocks. If someone knows a friend/family member’s partner is cheating and want them to know then they either put their name to what they have to say or they shut the fuck up.

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