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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel awful, should I tell her?

103 replies

lp67 · 20/11/2023 21:12

A few years ago I was at uni and a girl was starting to join our friendship group. I didn’t really know her at the time but she seemed nice and has gradually now, over the years, become part of our core group.
It was in the early days of her joining our group that we were all on a night out and a couple of the girls boyfriends were there.
This girls boyfriend ended up kissing me. We all slept in the same house that night and the next day (when sober) he said to me ‘I’m surprised we didn’t end up in one of the bedrooms together’. I just ignored him and went into another room.
Now this girl and this same guy are married and have just had a baby.
I have felt so so guilty over the years and this has now intensified with their baby news. I know I only have myself to blame for this. Out of everyone in the group I am least close with her, maybe because I’ve always had this guilt in the back of my mind.
I realise my part in this, we were very young and we were drunk but it takes two to tango. I feel very guilty and have never done anything like this since, nor would I. Her now husband has added me on Facebook and instagram at odd hours, like 3am, when he’s been on a night out. I’ve seen him a couple of times since and I get the vibe he fancies me but I’ve just kept my distance completely as I feel awkward.
I was watching a chat show the other day and this topic came up, someone said they would always let their friend know if their partner is a cheat, but they would do it via anonymous letter.
Should I tell her? Would you want to know?
I wish I had just grown a pair said something initially when it first happened.

OP posts:
StockpotSoup · 20/11/2023 23:00

I had a little bet with myself when I clicked through to the second page regarding whether you’d be back or not. I won.

It would take a serious case of Main Character Syndrome to do this.

Charlize43 · 20/11/2023 23:04

Let it go. Things have moved on for them and they have made a life together.

Thewondererhasreturned · 20/11/2023 23:06

No you definitely do not tell her unfortunately you will look like some obsessed friend who still reminisces over this kiss in university and wants her man. I know this isn't the case but its long gone now. As others have said unless he starts messaging you being flirty or inappropriate then you can say something but for now I wouldn't.

StolenCookie · 20/11/2023 23:13

A unanimous, unequivocal no.

I think you are almost certainly just wanting to unburden yourself of guilt, rather than truly intending to help the other woman. Put that energy towards personal therapy rather than blowing up a marriage needlessly.

momonpurpose · 20/11/2023 23:44

BadBarry · 20/11/2023 21:18

It was years ago and only a kiss - if he sends you a message on Instagram trying to hook up different kettle of fish.
Let it go and forget about it.

This. If it makes you feel better unfriend him but do not sa a word to her. She's a new mum and it was a meaningless kiss

Referencetrouble · 20/11/2023 23:46

Classic shit stirring behaviour.

momonpurpose · 20/11/2023 23:56

GingerRedBull · 20/11/2023 22:30

Although even if this girl wasn't in OP's friendship group at the time, or it was early days, as OP is veeery careful to explain, OP till knew that he was the girl's boyfriend. Shitty behaviour, OP.

You want to put it on them because you feel guilty, and jealous. Don't you?

That's exactly the vibe I'm getting

Inauthentic · 21/11/2023 00:03

Her now husband has added me on Facebook and instagram at odd hours, like 3am, when he’s been on a night out.

He wouldn't have added you without you accepting it.
Why did you accept it?

Canisaysomething · 21/11/2023 00:33

That ship sailed a long time ago. If you wanted to tell her you snogged her boyfriend, you should have done it at the time.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 21/11/2023 00:42

No. Dear God, no.

You would have to really hate her to do that to her.

RandomForest · 21/11/2023 01:17

She's just had a baby.

Please leave this woman alone.

Cherryberrypie · 21/11/2023 01:36

You must have a very empty life to be harbouring this memory from years ago.

he probably can’t even remember the kiss, I suggest you forget about it too and find something else to amuse yourself with.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 21/11/2023 01:53

No.

You're only doing it to make yourself feel better.

They're married with a baby. Stay very clear of it.

Hibiscrubbed · 21/11/2023 05:49

Don’t be ridiculous. Why would you tell her? Are you somehow bothered by her marriage and baby news? What is triggering your urge to torpedo her happiness?

MushMonster · 21/11/2023 06:01

No way!
Why would it cross your mind to tell her now? After years. And a baby!!!!
So, it was a kiss. It was wrong, but nothing else.
He did stay with her, married her, had a family with her. So, presumably, his feelings for her have grown beyond what he felt at that time. Just stay away from them.
You actually sound envious, to be honest. Like you regret not taking him from her at that time and you want a second go? Now, when it hurts more? Just let them be.

CeeChynaa · 21/11/2023 06:04

BumWad · 20/11/2023 21:37

No… sounds like you want the attention though?

I thought the exact same thing

Somewhereoverthersinbowweighapie · 21/11/2023 06:09

Don’t tell her. He will deny it, or say you tried it on with him, got rejected and are now trying to get back at him. The likely outcome of you telling her is you no longer being part of the friendship group. She will side with him and everyone will hate you. Just forget it ever happened.

TerfTalking · 21/11/2023 06:09

God no. And if he ever mentions it I would personally deny it and say “well that never happened, and if it did I’ve zero recollection”.

Are you hanging on to this a bit now because you’re still single and she’s moved on and with a partner and baby?

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 21/11/2023 06:09

Hibiscrubbed · 21/11/2023 05:49

Don’t be ridiculous. Why would you tell her? Are you somehow bothered by her marriage and baby news? What is triggering your urge to torpedo her happiness?

This ^^
And why on earth would you be so nasty? Jealousy?

Drinkinggreentea · 21/11/2023 06:23

V selfish of you to carry on being friends with her without telling her at some point. You watched her get engaged and married to a cheat and said nothing. He clearly would have been ok with more happening.

That said it's too late now!!! Absolutely do NOT tell her! Let her enjoy this happy time. Block him on socials before he slides into your DMs and avoid any one on one situations with him (sounds like he's already fishing).

IF he ever comes clean (which is unlikely) then tell her the truth at that point rather than lie. It would massively mess her head up if she had two different versions.

It's his fault at the end of the day though and by the way he's started lurking it's obvious he doesn't lose any sleep over this. I wouldn't count on him ever telling her.

WandaWonder · 21/11/2023 06:33

The only reason I can think is you like the drama, otherwise why now? To make yourself feel better?

Heybearu · 21/11/2023 06:45

Oh it sounds like you've got yourself ruminating about this turning it into something much bigger than it was. Theres no need to tell anyone especially when shes just had a baby that would be really harsh.
Forgive yourself and let yourself move on. Dont speak to mutual friends about it either.

pictoosh · 21/11/2023 06:52

You know fine you shouldn't tell her. But you want to don't you? You were looking for some justification to do so.
Are you bored, do you lack attention...or are you envious of them now?

Stay out of their lives with your shit stirring.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 21/11/2023 07:06

Just keep quiet. My friend's husband tried to kiss me many years ago after drinking, I never said a word. It's really not worth it.

Cosywintertime · 21/11/2023 07:08

What are you even thinking, it sounds like you’re jealous and trying to ruin their marriage. So what, he kissed you years ago when pissed and young. Stop fantasising he fancies you and move on.