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Original poster

Would this put you off a man?

126 replies

CubaLibre23 · 14/11/2023 19:20

First break abroad together.

He's a snorer, audible in space type snorer.

Only two local breaks before; one place had several rooms so fine. Other had only one bedroom; I suggested a blow up mattress in another room (for myself or him). He insisted on sleeping on it (one night) and complained in the morning that it deflated. He was mildly grumpy but not v noticeably so.

At one point I didn't feel like sex again and he went and wanked in the bathroom. He didn't make any attempt to disguise that's what he was doing. I felt like it was almost defiant/huffy. Found it a bit weird.

This break abroad .... One bed apartment in a hostel. Tried one night sleeping together, I couldn't really get any sleep. Hostel had some free rooms (bunk room, no-one else in it). Again I offered to sleep there, he wouldn't have it, insisted he did. Then next morning, he came back to the apartment just before 8am. I work full-time and was enjoying a lie in on holiday. He flung open the curtains as wide as possible, opened the windows and seemed to be in quite a temper. There was no explanation for it other than being pissed off at sleeping on a bunk in another room. (Again - I had offered to do that but he didn't accept).

He also complained in hearing of other people at the airport about how few times he had sex while there ... We had it once of twice. it was embarrassing and I got the impression it was meant to be, he didn't care. In retrospect I wish I'd been more assertive/sharp and said "not the time or place for this!". I was taken aback and didn't want to cause a scene at the time. The man behind us in the queue clocked we were having words, but I don't think he heard what he said/that he was referring to sex.

So there's the huffing and temper about sleeping arrangements... Even though he's the snorer and he insists on being the "gentleman" and giving me the bed.

Then there's the sexual behaviour/apparent snippiness about sex.

He is generally a reliable, available, committed boyfriend. I don't have a car ATM and public transport is not good where he lives so if there are no buses he's doing a lot of collecting and leaving me back at 40/45 mins one way.

Would these put you off?

OP posts:
Ladyj84 · 14/11/2023 20:45

Tbh you sound as bad as each other, weirdest relationship I've ever heard of

Original poster
CubaLibre23 · 14/11/2023 20:45

Well "he" just gets better and better! Wanking over an ex - and telling you about it

"He said he replays his last encounter/most memorable encounter with his partner to wank."

Comprehension .. not even once.

OP posts:
RusemaneGanche · 14/11/2023 20:48

Well, he sounds like a real catch.

After these 3 holidays together, I'd no longer ever want to go away with him again. Which would render the relationship done & dusted for me.

Original poster
CubaLibre23 · 14/11/2023 20:50

Ladyj84 · 14/11/2023 20:45

Tbh you sound as bad as each other, weirdest relationship I've ever heard of

You must be very new to Mumsnet then.

Would you like to explain how I'm as bad as him?

OP posts:
Londonscallingme · 14/11/2023 20:51

Urgh! LTB.

Original poster
CubaLibre23 · 14/11/2023 20:53

Tawlk · 14/11/2023 19:30

Yes most of those things would put me off, the only thing that wouldn’t put me off is snoring as that’s nothing to do with his personality and often can’t be helped! But I couldn’t be dealing with any sort of cranky bastard. Sounds like you could be walking on eggshells with him and it sounds like he ruined your holiday, hope you manage to get another one soon on your own or with someone new x

You're very kind, thank you.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 14/11/2023 20:54

CubaLibre23 · 14/11/2023 20:36

It's rather irrelevant now, but he doesn't watch porn. One of the few.

He's the most IT illiterate person I've met and doesn't really go online. He said he's seen a couple of porn dvds or whatever over the years but they don't do much for him. He said he replays his last encounter/most memorable encounter with his partner to wank.

Show quote history

With respect, if hes angry wanking to teach you a lesson and all these other things...dont discount him using porn in the future if he doesn't get the sex he wants from you. A lot men say they dont use porn ....but you know

EtiennePalmiere · 14/11/2023 21:02

Yes it would put me off, especially the "punishment" he gave of opening the curtains wide to wake you up.

What are you going to do with the relationship ?

SweetBirdsong · 14/11/2023 21:05

Jl2014 · 14/11/2023 20:17

A huffy wank? Omg so gross. That would be the end for me. Cringe. He sounds absolutely awful.

Oh gosh 'a huffy wank' made me laugh 😄 sorry @CubaLibre23 Flowers

SweetBirdsong · 14/11/2023 21:06

Jewelspun · 14/11/2023 20:34

He sounds like an oaf.

I misread that as he sounds like an elf! Shock

Original poster
CubaLibre23 · 14/11/2023 21:09

SweetBirdsong · 14/11/2023 21:05

Oh gosh 'a huffy wank' made me laugh 😄 sorry @CubaLibre23 Flowers

Show quote history

Don't worry. A lot of these posts have cracked me up.

That's the good thing about mn, you get great humour with your advice.

(Unfortunately you also get a few keyboard warrior, c u next Tues types but I usually just ignore those beyond a point. I didn't report any posts btw, clearly someone else is recognising them for what they are too, im grateful).

OP posts:
AtomicPumpkin · 14/11/2023 21:10

Just the snoring would be a dealbreaker for me. I assume he is overweight or has other medical issues-if he won't address those issues for his own benefit or yours, he is not a keeper.

MrsMarzetti · 14/11/2023 21:12

What a stroppy teen like man he is. Get rid and enjoy life.

Original poster
CubaLibre23 · 14/11/2023 21:13

AtomicPumpkin · 14/11/2023 21:10

Just the snoring would be a dealbreaker for me. I assume he is overweight or has other medical issues-if he won't address those issues for his own benefit or yours, he is not a keeper.

He's slightly overweight, but he had his nose broken when boxing when younger.

Also a smoker ... He looked like he was giving up, cupboard full of quitting aids, but has only cut down so far .

OP posts:
Original poster
CubaLibre23 · 14/11/2023 21:15

EtiennePalmiere · 14/11/2023 21:02

Yes it would put me off, especially the "punishment" he gave of opening the curtains wide to wake you up.

What are you going to do with the relationship ?

I thought it was rude/almost aggressive but I felt bad that he'd had to go and sleep in a bunk room, instead of the apartment...and that affected my response (not kicking off).

Seems like he feels he can't let a female go and sleep in another room, but then gets angry about doing so himself. Highly rational.

I usually have to get up and leave his bed/bedroom due to his snoring, and sleep in another room; but I'm not going in to his room in the morning and wrenching open his curtains.

OP posts:
SeethroughDress · 14/11/2023 21:17

So he’s a bad-tempered, snoring, performance wanker who complains about how little sex he gets, and is generally insufferable to be around, but you put up with him because he’s reliable and gives you lifts., even though the lifts are only so that you can see him?

Come on, OP. He’s properly ghastly.

Original poster
CubaLibre23 · 14/11/2023 21:22

SeethroughDress · 14/11/2023 21:17

So he’s a bad-tempered, snoring, performance wanker who complains about how little sex he gets, and is generally insufferable to be around, but you put up with him because he’s reliable and gives you lifts., even though the lifts are only so that you can see him?

Come on, OP. He’s properly ghastly.

Edited

He's not generally insufferable to be around.

In general he's relatively easy to get on with.

These behaviours are exceptional, but are building up. I wasn't sure about the wanking, til the getting on at me about sex in the airport. Now I think it's a theme.

And that's not what I said.... The op was long enough. It's very difficult for an op to give a comprehensive picture without writing four pages. Nobody has time to read all that. He has good points, other than those I briefly listed, of course.. I'd hardly have kept seeing him if he hadn't.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 14/11/2023 21:22

My assumption is that the only reason he's so generous with lifts is because the lifts enable him to get sex.

He's no prince @CubaLibre23. Seriously, you can do so much better than this guy. You sound like a nice, thoughtful genuine person. Please value yourself more.

Original poster
CubaLibre23 · 14/11/2023 21:25

HundredMilesAnHour · 14/11/2023 21:22

My assumption is that the only reason he's so generous with lifts is because the lifts enable him to get sex.

He's no prince @CubaLibre23. Seriously, you can do so much better than this guy. You sound like a nice, thoughtful genuine person. Please value yourself more.

I don't have sex in the earlier stages of a relationship, not penetrative sex anyway. We didn't have sex for months. And we don't have sex everytime we see each other.

That is not to say this relationship is working/going to work out.

He's a good person in some ways but these behaviours are .....

I'm glad to read other's perspectives. I think you can see things very clearly when you're not the one in a situation/relationship, but doubt yourself when in it.

OP posts:
essexgirl8888 · 14/11/2023 21:27

He sounds repulsive. You are not unreasonable and even if we all thought that those behaviours he has were dead sexy you are entitled to feel your feelings. They are so valid. Also I wish there was some sort of trip advisor for men to rate them and warn us about this stuff so we don't waste our valuable time on this sort of thing. I can't imagine how awkward and horrible you must have felt on those trips.

Nicole1111 · 14/11/2023 21:31

If an adult man had a wank strop within my ear shot my sexual attraction for them would leave my body to never return. If he then made sexually entitled comments in a public place, presumably to attempt to shame me, I’d be confident that staying with him would destine me to a life of emotional blackmail and manipulation as a result of his attempts to get his end away

HundredMilesAnHour · 14/11/2023 21:33

CubaLibre23 · 14/11/2023 21:25

I don't have sex in the earlier stages of a relationship, not penetrative sex anyway. We didn't have sex for months. And we don't have sex everytime we see each other.

That is not to say this relationship is working/going to work out.

He's a good person in some ways but these behaviours are .....

I'm glad to read other's perspectives. I think you can see things very clearly when you're not the one in a situation/relationship, but doubt yourself when in it.

Edited
Show quote history

You're missing the point a little. If he doesn't give lifts, he won't get ANY sex. He doesn't sound like he's doing it out of the goodness of his heart.

You actually sound sexually incompatible. Which isn't meant to be judgemental (each to their own) but you clearly have different sex drives. So even if he has the infamous MN golden penis, it doesn't sound like you're that into him sexually anyway. His overall behaviour is boorish and I don't understand why you're tolerating it. There are multiple things in your opening post that should be dealbreakers. If some boyfriend woke me up like that on holiday, I can assure you he even wouldn't be capable of performance wanking and would very quickly be an ex-boyfriend.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 14/11/2023 21:39

I didn't even get to the end of the post and I was put off! Life's too short for this nonsense. He can't help the snoring, but can definitely help the rest of his behaviour. Run for the hills!

localnotail · 14/11/2023 21:39

OP, he sounds horrendous. Also, how old is he? I get real late middle age vibes here.

I can guarantee all his "gentlemen" stuff - including lifts etc - is what he thinks he has to do at this stage, like a set or rules he is expected to follow. Probably reluctantly. In return, he expects you to have sex with him and generally to pander to his needs. If you don't do what he expects - and what he thinks he deserves to get - he punishes you, by making you feel embarrassed and degraded, by publicly berating you for the lack of sex, by making you see that you can be replaced with a wank, by not letting you have a lie in. Believe me, it will get worse - and I would say its definitely not something that can be compensated by some cheap holiday and lifts. He is vile. Wanking and waking me up early on a holiday would mean the end for me, for sure.

Original poster
CubaLibre23 · 14/11/2023 21:42

You actually sound sexually incompatible. Which isn't meant to be judgemental (each to their own) but you clearly have different sex drives

This is an aside to the thread I suppose ... But there are occasions when every couple is in the position of not wanting sex at the same time.

OP posts:
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