Bone Idle step son :(

[atendofmytether]

I’m a regular but name changed for this as it’s outing. sorry it's long.

Me and DH have four children in their 20s between us, we bought a 5 bed house 3yrs ago when we moved in together to accommodate, though now we only have DH son, 23yr, with us full time.

Issue is he is absolutely bone idle. He only works 3 days a week, total 24 hrs, gets a taxi every time which takes 3 mins, he’s never helped out in the house despite being asked numerous times over the years.

He’s got no social life, it’s been years since he went on a night out. He can’t drive, no interest in learning. He spends his spare time sleeping, gaming or watching sport with DH. He can’t cook, lives off junk food/takeaways if I don’t cook. DH agrees he’s lazy, he doesn’t like it, but “can’t change him”.

I’m sick of coming home from work seeing him sat watching tv with his feet up having done nothing all day, when me and DH work long hours.

DH thinks we’re staying in the house until the mortgage is paid off in 10 years, I’d like to downsize next year or two as there’s only two of us. I don’t want to think DSS will still be living with us when he’s 33.

Me and DH don’t know how we get DSS to a point where he’s looking to move out in the next 2-3 years. We both agree he needs to be getting a full-time job, learning to drive and saving for his own place. But how do we make him change so massively that he’d be able to live self sufficiently?!

I’ve been strict with my two, since leaving education they’ve always worked full time and pulled their weight at home. DH is too soft with him and we end up arguing because DSS doesn’t give a damn and knows his dad won’t follow through on trying to make him change.

My DH says we put his rent up, but that won’t sort him. I think we turn the Wi-Fi off so he can’t go online and spend all day gaming on his days off, but then he’ll just watch sport.

I’m at the end of my tether. I really don’t know how to sort this. Any advice from anyone please.

Take his keys off him, kick him out when you leave for work and let him in when you get home.

If it is cold he can find a library.

If he wants to be in the house then he needs to be contributing to its upkeep and cooking a couple of meals.

It sounds like he needs help. I cannot believe that anyone would chose to live like this. I was like this
If you were like this then how can you not believe that someone would choose this? If I hadn’t met my husband, had kids etc I’d probably have continued living this life (with a ft job) for who knows how long. He’s a nice guy, it’s not that big a problem!! Nowadays people say they get home from work and binge Netflix, it’s not that different (except obviously op and her dh need him to contribute more etc etc!)

I don’t think you can force dh to start parenting, but you can give dh 18 months notice in writing that you intend to sell your half of the house. Hopefully he starts to help his son now. But regardless of what happens in 18 months it’s not your problem.

op - what is the situation with your DH’s other child?

Are you actually for real? He's living off the OP! £150pm is nowhere near enough to pay for his own keep and 3 days a week is not a proper job.

Kick him out OP - give him 3 months notice to sort his life out.

This is literally my worse nightmare.

Havent rtft sorry but surely you have considered sen/autism?

No friends....finds getting buses difficult...struggled as a teen didnt finish school. No social life

Mother rarely sees him ..is she neurodiverse?

Come on op this is not a simple case of laziness

That's why I was asking about any additional needs, it read as potential autism to me too

Not depressed no, happy as Larry whilst gaming, watching sport, betting, sat with dad 😏

DH other child rents a flat, however he’s lazy too, always asking DH for money and in and out of work.

Most things aren't fun if you aren't good at them, including cooking.
I agree with the suggestion of an intensive driving course - also can DH take up running/ biking/ snooker/ tennis - something and insist that DSS comes with him once a week.
He won't get fit enough for any sport easily as he must be v unfit now - but exercise gives you endorphins which would compete with the ones he gets from gaming. He needs to get good at to first.
Also means they are out of the house for a bit.

Mother isn’t neurodiverse, just (DH words) selfish, money oriented, affairs throughout marriage, never been maternal so he’s always been main parent.

Yes I get that. I have at one point ordered hello fresh and he did really well at that but I couldn’t carry on due to the cost and he’s reverted back to takeaways and just grabbing anything easy out of the fridge.

DH is a keen sports person, he’s always been a runner and we mountain bike, he’s tried to get him out loads of times he just doesn’t want to do it, he won’t walk anywhere, he gets a taxi to work which is a six minute walk, his friends play football every Sunday, he did go every now and again but won’t anymore it’s too cold …

That's a shame.

you really don’t have a very high regard for your DH’s children, do you?

However you are married to the person who raised these adults. He failed them. and co tinier to do so with his so. currently living at home.

Did your DH seriously say he was “joking” when he promised he’d sort the situation before you purchased together?

Do your children get on with his?

I couldn’t carry on due to the cost and he’s reverted back to takeaways and just grabbing anything easy out of the fridge.

why the hell didn’t your husband pay?

i still think this behaviour sounds like he has Some mental issues
I get he doesn’t have a diagnosis
but there is something that’s preventing him from engaging with things , and it’s possibly a cant - not won’t

this is also where step parents and parents vary

as my son and nephew to a degree have this and whilst I’m accused by his Dad of cosetting him , my strategy is keep him safe until he can maybe renter into the world again

That said some boundaries can and should be imposed

and some acceptance and boundaries and curiosity might help

we all know the stats of prison population and undiagnosed SEN ….

Cooking is basic life skill that you kind of need to get to grips with no matter how much 'fun' it is even it is just learning half a dozen simple 'one pot' meals. I am just astonished that he is just allowed to order take aways all the time.

No, I don't have a high regard for adults who sponge off their parents constantly and don't work because they can't be bothered, why is his 29 year old still asking dad for money and DH still giving it him! Just get a full time job.

So yeah, there's my issue, shoot me down for it!

If it was my son I would be saying something about the fact he's not teaching himself or learning to cook, and I would have something to say about him ordering takeaways 4+ times a week, but I can't as my DH doesn't have an issue with it and like I said, it causes arguments between us.

Sounds like you need a proper chat
your DH will have his own reasons for not pushing this Young man too hard
and I’m curious why ?

honestly I’ve got one son who’s full of activity mand gets himself out and about
and one son who is in his room and never leaves the house
I do have to parent them differently

but I’d say a shift from angry language and resentment to listening and trying to support better behaviours will help

He says that if he upsets his son he's afraid he won't like him!

We've definitely got a chat planned. I've sat down with him numerous times and chatted, I've never got angry with him, oh, except when the house was a tip coming back off holiday, and tried to help him.

Got some great advice here everyone, thank you so much.

Nine of that means he's not depressed.

I like a lot of what you say here. I don't know what things we can take away to make him toe the line, I think internet initially, the food is a good one. The trouble is because he only pays a small amount for rent, he lives off takeaways and sweets etc from the shop, so he wouldn't suffer.

always been main parent.

And yet he seems unable to parent his son.

When we finished Uni my dad said, in the nicest possible way, have a fun summer and then off you go. We knew staying at home wasn't an option, and frankly it was absolutely for our own good. My 20s were so much fun living and working in London, pretty much broke most of the time but doesn't matter when you're young. My parents gave us our first flat deposit and months rent, then we had a month to start earning enough for the next month!

long story short - if your DH wants the best for him he needs to hoof him out. If he was thriving at home fine, but he's clearly not!