Bone Idle step son :(

[atendofmytether]

I’m a regular but name changed for this as it’s outing. sorry it's long.

Me and DH have four children in their 20s between us, we bought a 5 bed house 3yrs ago when we moved in together to accommodate, though now we only have DH son, 23yr, with us full time.

Issue is he is absolutely bone idle. He only works 3 days a week, total 24 hrs, gets a taxi every time which takes 3 mins, he’s never helped out in the house despite being asked numerous times over the years.

He’s got no social life, it’s been years since he went on a night out. He can’t drive, no interest in learning. He spends his spare time sleeping, gaming or watching sport with DH. He can’t cook, lives off junk food/takeaways if I don’t cook. DH agrees he’s lazy, he doesn’t like it, but “can’t change him”.

I’m sick of coming home from work seeing him sat watching tv with his feet up having done nothing all day, when me and DH work long hours.

DH thinks we’re staying in the house until the mortgage is paid off in 10 years, I’d like to downsize next year or two as there’s only two of us. I don’t want to think DSS will still be living with us when he’s 33.

Me and DH don’t know how we get DSS to a point where he’s looking to move out in the next 2-3 years. We both agree he needs to be getting a full-time job, learning to drive and saving for his own place. But how do we make him change so massively that he’d be able to live self sufficiently?!

I’ve been strict with my two, since leaving education they’ve always worked full time and pulled their weight at home. DH is too soft with him and we end up arguing because DSS doesn’t give a damn and knows his dad won’t follow through on trying to make him change.

My DH says we put his rent up, but that won’t sort him. I think we turn the Wi-Fi off so he can’t go online and spend all day gaming on his days off, but then he’ll just watch sport.

I’m at the end of my tether. I really don’t know how to sort this. Any advice from anyone please.

He's not sponging if he earns his keep.
He's perfectly entitled to live in a house he pays to be in in whatever way he chooses.
He doesn't need to work full time so why would he?

Doesn't make him lazy, just makes him sensible.

If they up his rent then sure, he needs to work full time. As is, he doesn't.

As for him being in any way selfish or 'not pulling his weight' - have a discussion with him about what you expect. Perhaps he thinks he's a rent paying lodger so should keep to himself.

It doesn't sound like hes asking for other people to cook or clean for him. He orders in.

We might think we wouldn't like to live like that but it certainly doesn't make him a bad guy.

@atendofmytether get your DH to clean up after his own son everytime he makes a mess and he'll soon start parenting properly

This would drive me mad. I would just start planting seeds. Say to DSS when DH is out the way ‘This might be our last Christmas in this house, if me and Dad get a little love nest. You should ask your manager at the shop if you can up your hours, you’ll struggle to rent somewhere only working 24 hours. You could double your income if you worked full time somewhere full time.’

I doubt he will change or want to either, as long as his father is not challenging him.

I think I would be savvy, and pay for my comfort in not having him there. MAKE him select a room, flat or whatever and you and DH pay the deposit and first month's rent. Do NOT be guarantor though.

The deal is, he will go and not come back except on a visit. Honestly that kind of laziness and lack of get go or ambition would drive me mad if it were my house. Does he have any SNs?

@brentwoods
Thank you and yes I agree it’s going to end up coming to that.

@arethereanyleftatall
Excellent come back!

@hoodybell

Oh Jesus, no way, that’s awful for you. Does your DH not put his foot down either?

@Peakypolly
I did say in one of my earlier messages posts I wouldn’t mind him being here if he pulled his weight and he was learning life skills to set him up for the future , but he isn’t, if anything happened to me and DH tomorrow he would have no clue absolutely what to do in any aspect of life, and there’d be nobody to help him.
Crash driving course is a great shout.

@Fassbender2020
No addition needs no. Just no interests and too lazy to make an effort to get ready to go out anywhere.

@anotherweek
Apart from all this he’s a lovely lad, no trouble.

Do you not feel for him op? When I hear that I just think he hasn’t got mates or hobbies and is just stuck, so directionless. Yes you say he’s happy with it but maybe he just needs motivation? And I know it’s hard but try not to compare your children to your dh’s, I’m sure when my mum looked at my very successful brother and sister and then at me she wondered why I was still at home, not wanting to move up in job etc, I appreciate she never said it

Sorry op just saw you said he’s a lovely lad and no trouble other than that x

It sounds like he needs help. I cannot believe that anyone would chose to live like this. I was like this and thankfully I had a much more supportive family that your step son seems to.

@Pinkbonbon I agree with a lot of what you are saying , however he’s incapable of even frying an egg for himself and what I want to do is get him to a point where he looks like he’s making an effort to move out at some point in the next few years, not just sitting on his arse in his room gaming etc.

As far just having a discussion with him I’ve lost the will to live on that point because I’ve had so many over the years and it just goes over his head, there’s no respect for how I or my DH want the house to run.

he has no SNs

I think your husband is right about the rent then. But to something more like 400-500. 'You're a grown man now so if you're staying here then it's as a lodger. We'll be putting your rent up to 500 in 3 months time so, maybe consider getting full time work or looking elsewhere for a place to stay'

If he does stay though, you'll have to let him live as he chooses for that amount. Provided he isn't doing anything extreme of course.

I can't see what cutting off the Internet would achieve. Besides raging arguments.

It looks like he won't learn to look after himself until he moves out unfortunately. But in the mean time, hire the cleaner and don't do any cooking or cleaning up after him.

If partner is unsupportive moving forwards...it may be time to admit you have a partner problem.

there’s no respect for how I or my DH want the house to run.

and your DH is also not respecting you by adopting such a 🤷‍♀️ approach to his son when he knows how unhappy it makes you (he said it was a “joke” that he’d deal with it!?)

Sorry I don't understand?

@stayathomer I do feel for him and he does have mates, he just chooses never to join them when invited so they’ve kind of backed off now, he’s not bothered. he’d rather sit in his room and play on his games.
I don’t compare him to my children , though I do talk to him and DH about them when we’re sat together and things they’ve done if it’s something I’m proud of and he’s happy for them, I just wish he was more outgoing and had some motivation and ambition

Are you sure he's playing video games and it's not that he's fallen into say, some sort of incel or terrorist rabbit hole?

They do say its a warning sign when people shut themselves away in their room and suddenly start distancing themselves from all their friends.

I’ve been there as a step parent for almost seven years, when his own mother hasn’t been and still isn’t. I pushed him for his driving lessons, which he gave up after a while, I’ve helped him through college, I got him his job, I’ve offered to let him use my car if he passes his test, I am fully supportive and want him to learn life skills, but I’m fed up now of trying, with his attitude of I’m not bothered, I’m happy to sit in my room playing my game, that is why I don’t want for him.

No, definitely gaming, we can hear him as he’s above us, DH spends a lot of time telling him to keep the noise down!

I think life needs to be made more uncomfortable for him. His contribution needs to be increased in line with how much it will cost him when he’s living in his own place.

£150 increasing by £50 a month until it hits £350.

I see this a lot in my professional life, it’s not that uncommon unfortunately.

Amused about him paying £150 a month, l was paying £200 a month 20 odd years ago. He sounds waaaay too comfortable to me. I couldn’t face subsidising an overgrown man child. Personally l would be giving my relationship with his father serious thought, it’s deeply unattractive and annoying he’s created this situation. Especially as you spoke to him about it and he claimed he would do something about it

It's right there in the post

Did you even read the OP?

He is not paying market rate rent. He is paying stipend. The deal with that is that you pull your weight. It's not judgemental to be fed up with someone messing up the house and living like a hobo in your house. He should indeed move out. Everyone would be happy. Except him.

He’s got no social life, it’s been years since he went on a night out. He can’t drive, no interest in learning. He spends his spare time sleeping, gaming or watching sport with DH

my sons like this , he’s depressed and autistic

just let him be and show him basic care and civility

on the one hand it could look like he’s a lazy bastard
on the other hand its a list of indicators….
maybe watch and Observe ?

@TheCadoganArms Not being funny, but do you have any experience of "adult" kids who live at home?

His eyes would have glazed over before you had got through the opening sentance of your script. This is not an easy situation to fix.

Not trying to make excuses but is there any way he could be depressed? Sleeping all day..

There's far too many of these bone idle man baby's around these days.

I'd imply to dad he's failed as a parent as he has.
He should have been teaching him something in life.