Bone Idle step son :(

[atendofmytether]

I’m a regular but name changed for this as it’s outing. sorry it's long.

Me and DH have four children in their 20s between us, we bought a 5 bed house 3yrs ago when we moved in together to accommodate, though now we only have DH son, 23yr, with us full time.

Issue is he is absolutely bone idle. He only works 3 days a week, total 24 hrs, gets a taxi every time which takes 3 mins, he’s never helped out in the house despite being asked numerous times over the years.

He’s got no social life, it’s been years since he went on a night out. He can’t drive, no interest in learning. He spends his spare time sleeping, gaming or watching sport with DH. He can’t cook, lives off junk food/takeaways if I don’t cook. DH agrees he’s lazy, he doesn’t like it, but “can’t change him”.

I’m sick of coming home from work seeing him sat watching tv with his feet up having done nothing all day, when me and DH work long hours.

DH thinks we’re staying in the house until the mortgage is paid off in 10 years, I’d like to downsize next year or two as there’s only two of us. I don’t want to think DSS will still be living with us when he’s 33.

Me and DH don’t know how we get DSS to a point where he’s looking to move out in the next 2-3 years. We both agree he needs to be getting a full-time job, learning to drive and saving for his own place. But how do we make him change so massively that he’d be able to live self sufficiently?!

I’ve been strict with my two, since leaving education they’ve always worked full time and pulled their weight at home. DH is too soft with him and we end up arguing because DSS doesn’t give a damn and knows his dad won’t follow through on trying to make him change.

My DH says we put his rent up, but that won’t sort him. I think we turn the Wi-Fi off so he can’t go online and spend all day gaming on his days off, but then he’ll just watch sport.

I’m at the end of my tether. I really don’t know how to sort this. Any advice from anyone please.

How is reading comprehension so poor? OP gives all the details and yet every other follow up is “Does he work?” “How many other kids live at home?” 🙄

ETA: apologies, I guess it’s just one individual that has multiple troubles with reading.

OP, your mistake was relying on the promise of change. You are going to have to put your foot down and let your husband choose you or his lazy son.

If I got accused of not liking dss I would respond 'of course I don't, he makes my life harder' .

Feel free to DM me if you like. He absolutely drives me mad.

£150 a month is peanuts, he'd have to pay a lot more in a house share.

I'd look at what the local house share prices are and charge him accordingly, I'd then charge him for his food and things like washing powder etc. basically treat him like you would a lodger if you rented out a room.

Then I'd be telling him you're putting the house on the market in the new year, will be downsizing so he will need to find himself alternate accommodation as there won't be room for him in the new house.

@Octavia64

To be honest I’m not looking to downsize any time soon due to the current market and I’d be happy for DSS to live with us indefinitely if he pulled his weight, but it just irritates the hell out of me when he slopes around in his hoody, sitting there when we’ve been at work all day.

@WrongSwanson

I love this … I could rent his room out and not have to pay half my salary into the house!

@arethereanyleftatall
I paid 2/3 when we bought the house so I'm not going. I do feel like saying it’s time to look at our relationship thought as I’ve had enough of all this.

Thanks guys ... I'm going offline for a while but will be back later.

Given me a lot of good advice and a lot to think about x

If we are doing a MN house share can I nominate my DSS?! 24, great job with a very decent wage for his age yet doesn't pay a penny towards bills / pay any keep.

Thinks his life revolves around blowing his wages on drink and drugs every weekend and we should all subsidise him the rest of the time!

I just think your dh needs to realise how serious this is, and moving out, even if just temporarily, will make him see that?

I would buy him an intensive driving course for Christmas as a starting point. Weekly lessons, with no definite end date can be overwhelming.
I agree that 18 months would be reasonable notice of your intentions to downsize but, are you sure your DH isn't happy having his laid back DS around as a companion to watch sport etc. with?
It is difficult for some young people to make connections with like minded potential friends. Maybe investigate local gaming cafes, clubs etc.
Personally I wouldn't have got involved with a partner who was unhappy to be supportive to my DC, young adults or not. He pays rent, he works, he sounds ok to me.

Thinks his life revolves around blowing his wages on drink and drugs every weekend and we should all subsidise him the rest of the time!
The opposite of tethers chilled, non-socialising DSS then. Not the sort of company this chilled young man would want to flat share with ,I would imagine.

Is it his choice to behave like that or are there any other potential additional needs/conditions?

Quite. I mean, it wasnt a serious proposition thankfully 😂 more a show of solidarity. If we get my DSS out before he's 30 it will be a miracle quite frankly.

He sounds like a Japanese hikikomori lock in!

Frankly, if nothing has changed by now, it's not going to change now.

DH is OK with his layabout son. He's giving you lip-service at best.

Leave them to it and prepare to find a place of your own.

I’d be happy for DSS to live with us indefinitely if he pulled his weight

Ooooh, no, don't go down that line of thinking! He needs to develop independence, social confidence, responsibility. I get the feeling if you give him a year's notice of intention to downsize and have him stand on his own two feet he'll be there until Day 364 before it occurs to him to sort something out.
Putting up his rent won't help either as he probably doesn't earn much and has no motivation to find a proper job.
I think there's a lot of these inept lazy young men about, indulged by parents, refusing to help and no consequences. An intervention is called for! Apart from this disrespect he has for your home how do you all get on?

£150 pm is what I was paying my parents back in the late 90's! And I knew I had a cushy deal then. DH needs to push for him to up his hours.

He's a grown man working a job. Entitled to eat what he likes and spend his free time as he chooses.

If you don't want him living there then ask him to move out. If I were him I'd struggle to put up with such a judgemental family.

Is he not worried about retirement one day, or getting ill and not having funds to pay for things? I doubt a 3 day a week pays enough NIC to fully cover a pension, though maybe it does? I'm glad he is working at all, but you should be able to downsize when you want, and he should be willing to work enough days to fund his own place to live/be saving a deposit for rent etc. I see the value in my mother in law's convertion of every bedroom to something else the second the children left home!

Maybe he knows you dont like him very much.
There are lots of posts about step kids on MN and most of them the step parent dont like the kids.

it might seem like that…. but no friends? no social life? No prospects? Boring job? not much money? i would hazard a guess that he’s not really

either way - no a chance i could live with any step child, of any variety. i live with my children and mine alone… so i’m not really one to comment! 😂

Honestly? I would move out and let your husband sort everything out himself, without you. He gets to pay all the bills, do all the cleaning, cooking, driving around, and dealing with his son. Maybe it'll prompt him to agree to downsizing very fast.

My brother was like this. I left home at 16 got my own place went to college, married at 19 all good. My little brother was a college drop out who signed on and spent all day on his computer apparently eating them out of house and home. Dad gave him 18 months to move out and get a job, probably the other way round tbh. He started applying got a job, got a place to live moved about 100 miles away, it was the making of him. He was 23 when given his notice and about 25 when he left. There was no doubt of follow through though. Dad wanted to see all his applications and what he did everyday. They also started to not buy the food he liked so he would learn to budget for himself.

For example they would buy 24 cans of Coca-Cola and he would drink them in a day or two so they bought him asdas own brand and dad kept the good stuff in the garage. He would cook frozen pizzas, fish fingers etc but a whole pack of 16 so they got the cheapest ones and kept the good stuff for themselves. HEATING was off, WiFi was only on for job searching they made it pretty miserable but it was more than a lot of people get.

@Doggymummar but presumably if all there ie alongside stuff for him… he just cooked theirs?

He's entitled to eat what he wants but not to have it made for him and bought for him. He's not paying services included and doesn't contribute, so either needs to pay vastly more or be treated like a lodger. No more sharing OPs food, he can get his own fridge in his room or if there's space in the kitchen. Lock on fridge if necessary. No using the family TV unless he's watching with DH - he can get his own TV in his room. If OP gets home and he's sat there watching, kick him off the couch and grab the remote - it's your TV and you're paying for it. No use of the living room at all if he leaves a mess in there.

But simplest really would be upping what he pays. He's a working grown-up, he can take on a third of household costs including rent in lieu of mortgage.

Amazing thanks. I've been doing life all wrong. From now on I will sponge off everyone, do nothing for anyone but myself and watch YouTube videos all day, and work part time. Anyone who has a problem with it is just being judgemental. Bring on my new life!