My husbands told me he's going to find someone else

[sugarloop]

We've been separated since September and barely spoke to him in weeks.

Today we had our first proper phone conversation as he was coming to collect the last of his remaining things. I put them in the boot of my car as I refuse to see him.

He text me when he was outside, I unlocked my car from inside and he got his things.

But then he rang and I answered. The phone call was the usual stuff he's said a million times before. Finding someone else is very important to him.

He asked me how I would feel if I saw someone else. My answer was I would be fine. I'm not bothered, he's abusive. I really don't think I'm bothered, it might hurt me later.....but right now I think I'm over it.

He told me he would probably move in with this person. I said ok.

He told me he needs to do what he needs to to move on. I said ok.

Then he ended the call yet again saying 'ok ok going to find someone else, I'll speak you later.

I said 'no problem bye' 👋 😂

Now he's just playing mind games for me to desperately going to turn around and beg him to come home which there is zero chance of.

Has anyone else had this?

I wonder if I'm finally over him....there's a trauma addiction in this. I never thought I would ever get there

Aha ha yeah... "You're too strong" - meaning 'I'm annoyed as I'm trying to press all your buttons and not getting anywhere'.

"You hate me" - meaning "You're the bad guy so every bad thing I do to you is justified". Also arguably meaning "I hate you" and."I hate me...but I'm going to take that out on you".

You're doing brilliantly. Sadness is normal, no matter how awful he was. You'll probably go through a lot of the stages of grief as you process the part of your life that you gave him.

He also sounds like the type who will keep on pushing buttons for a more emotive reaction than "ok" but I think you're prepared for that. Remember that you can read and reply at your own convenience and not allow him to suck up any more of your time than he needs with his wittering.

Absolutely, I'll go back to the email address if I need too. No problem there. I've not heard anymore from him today. My concern is him and ds I suppose and that relationship but that's another post for another day.

I do feel sad, I have moments where I think 'I'm really on my own now'. Especially today with the house stuff. He was great at all that stuff. He knows what he's doing and does a good job. Nightmare to get him to do it but still.....

But today I've had to make some decisions (only little daft ones about bathroom flooring and radiators) and I felt lost. I don't usually do this stuff. And then I remembered I can't pick up the phone and ring him to ask anymore. I probably could and he would help me (as well as keeping me on the phone for 3 hours to talk) but I need to do this on my own.

It's just a scary place to be and I suppose quite lonely. I was saying to my mum today that I might actually miss his drama when it's gone!

Yes. This is so true. He's honestly like a toddler having a tantrum who's not allowed anymore sweets!

'Good luck and don't bother to let me know how it goes'.

He has said loads of times that I hate him. I don't. What's the point in that?

The thing is that by saying 'she still hates me' he can convince himself that you still have strong feelings for him, even if they are feelings of dislike. You don't care, and that's indifference, and he'd rather think you hate him because that at least means he's in your head.

I'm so glad you got away. Mine tried this sort of thing and he's still denying his relationship to the woman he's been dating for the best part of a year even though he's taken the kids to stay at her house and told all of his family and friends about the relationship (who I still have a good relationship with) she seems to be really nice and the kids love her which is great so I think its hilarious he's still denying it.

The thumbs up emoji is a great one, no need to even type ok

@sugarloop

But today I've had to make some decisions (only little daft ones about bathroom flooring and radiators) and I felt lost. I don't usually do this stuff. And then I remembered I can't pick up the phone and ring him to ask anymore.

I promise you, you will be just as knowledgeable as him on these things and able to make decisions quite crisply. You just need some time, some practice and advice from friends or knowledgeable people at B&Q, etc to give you advice. Also I've always found tradespeople very helpful with advice and information- they know their jobs are safe from me..🌹

Just another thing I thought of which I thought I'd bring up which I think is weird and can't put my finger on what it means. But seen as there's some quite knowledgeable people on this thread, I thought I'd ask your opinions.

He also has this obsession about me meeting someone else. Like he's desperate for me to do it. I don't know why. I doubt it's a guilt thing.

He always said to me he will be there for me. My response was 'just do right by ds and that's enough'

His reply was and he's said this numerous times that if my next partner ever shouts at me or ds or is violent to me that he hopes I will ring him up and he will be straight to my house. This is what he means by being there for me. Why he's even thinking this I have no idea.

Thoughts?

@sugarloop, as far as making decisions is concerned, you're perfectly capable of doing it. You just don't know that yet. It's surprising how much you learn to rely on your own judgement once you are freed from having doubts that someone else knows far better than you do (i.e. him).
As far as the hate thing goes, PP have hit the nail on the head. The true opposite of love is complete indifference IME.
The best mantra for how you approach this whole situation with your DS is to never say a critical word about your ex. Just be reflective and facilitate your son's relationship with his dad. It may well be difficult to navigate while ex is being such an arse, but it's manageable if you keep repeating that you will only communicate about DS and what he feels and needs. Don't get drawn into anything else and stand your ground/ DS's ground if you need to.
Sadly the children of breakups do eventually work out what the true situation is (as in how selfish one parent can be), but it can be managed with support and love from you.
(My oldest DC who is very much an adult has always tried to appease their father, but a series of recent events have left them feeling initially sad and upset, but now baffled as to how a supposedly loving parent can be so distanced and in denial of their own wrongdoing. As their mother, I hope that things can be resolved, but I'm not prepared to offer false platitudes when my experience with XH was so similar. I've deliberately put this an aside as it might not be relevant yet, but wanted to let you know about it, as in fact it has strengthened my relationship with this DC. I'm not saying I've been perfect, because I haven't, but the difference is that if anything I've done has had a negative impact I've owned it and not run away from it.)
Just to add, it sounds like you've been able to approaches in a very level-headed way.
That's not to say you shouldn't feel hurt, angry and resentful about what's happened. You absolutely should, but temper it with the times when you've been able to step outside of it all and look at it in a neutral way.

With reference to your last post and question.

His ego is probably very dented that you don’t want him back.

You aren’t concerned when he tells you ‘he’s got someone new’ another big dent to his ego.

So how else can I prove to sugarloop I’m the one she’ll need one day, I’m the hero that’ll coming riding in on my white charger to rescue her from the bad man? And that’s how he’s trying to reinflate his own ego.

By telling you this (repeatedly), he may even think you will believe it, but more importantly he has designated himself as a really great guy. Phew! Ego restored.

He's doing this thing of talking about the next one being aggressive and violent because he's hoping you'll meet one of those so he can appear to be a Saint by comparison. And if he can rescue you from your hypothetical next awful and violent relationship, he'd be your Knight in shining armour and you'll fall for him all over again... see his logic?

He implying that the next one will be worse than him so that you think you can't do any better.

Also, he is aware that you have tolerated his bs and abuse for years and so it's entirely possible that the next man will also be abusive. Not because its what you deserve but because we tend to accept what we are used to.

Take some time single, do the freedom program and never stop reading up on how to spot abuse and narcissistic abusers. Like, spend the next couple of years learning all you can and throughout your life do refreshers. Read the latest articles etc... there are lots of these sorts around but if you can spot then early on, you'll get away fast.

But he knows he's lowered your boundaries to the point where you tolerate stuff you shouldn't. So as well as trying to get into your head, he is also probably right in thinking the next one could be violent. Because he's set you up for such abuse. And another abusive man might spot that.

I'm doing the freedom programme, it's the last meeting tomorrow. I'm also currently doing an online course in domestic abuse too.

I have no intentions of meeting anyone else. I don't want too. This is all what's coming out of his mouth. He's been pretty obsessed with the idea of it.

@Takenoprisoner @Isheabastard

Thank you, I did think it was pretty much that but he's thrown so much of his shit at me that it would take me forever to try figure it all out since it's clear in my head. I was certain it was all to do with him though!

What a sad and dysfunctional way to think though. He's actually hoping that this completely made up scenario (that could put his son in real danger if it were true) actually happens just so he can be the hero. What a weirdo.

I think he is playing manipulative mind games.
On one hand he is encouraging you to meet someone so he’s trying to come across as the supportive ex who only has your best in mind but really he is trying to set seeds of doubt in your mind and turn you off meeting someone new by mentioning the possibility of them being abusive / violent.
He is probably hoping you will change your mind about wanting to meet someone and see him for the caring Knight in shining armour that he is trying to make out he could be and take him back.
He is a naturally conniving manipulative person, I don’t think he even pre plans this stuff in his head it probably naturally just comes out his mouth…..I would have very little interaction with him, interacting with him is enabling him to behave towards you like this and giving him the opportunity

@sugarloop

He says 'you hate him' because in his teeny mind hate and love are 'opposites that go hand in hand'. To him, if you 'hate' him, you are hating him because you still love him. But 'hate' is not really the opposite of love, indifference is. And you're doing great at that!!

And as far as any future man in your life, firstly he wants to scare you, secondly he wants you to see him as your 'rescuer'. He wants to be 'necessary' to you. That feeds his ego and makes a worthless man feel 'worthwhile'. He knows exactly what he is. He just doesn't want your 'moving on' to confirm it.

An abuser knows takes a long time and some hard work to train their 'victim'. They have to invest time in love bombing you. They have to do the mental gymnastics it takes to stay one step ahead of you with their gaslighting. They have to expend the emotional energy in their temper tantrums, sulks, and frightening behaviours. Not to mention the energy of actual physical abuse. He made quite an 'investment' in you (to his way of thinking) and he doesn't want to lose that investment nor to have to go through the whole rigmarole of finding and training his next victim.

As to whether or not the 'loss' of him will hit you at some point, only time will tell. As Hagrid said to Harry "No good sittin’ worryin’ abou’ it. What’s comin’ will come, an’ we’ll meet it when it does". So don't waste your energy. If that time comes, you'll be able to 'meet it when it does'.

Maybe you will feel a bit upset if he meets someone else but then you'll give your head a wobble and remember why he isn't any good for you or the other exes he split with. You'll missing what you thought you had at the beginning of the relationship.
Then reality kicked in.
Make a list of the negatives about him and the relationship, things that have happened, horrible things he said etc etc. Keep it somewhere safe to remind yourself why you're better off without him. Don't look back through rose coloured glasses.
Pity the next poor cow who falls for his charm and then sees him for what he really is, because she will, eventually.
He's had 2 failed relationships before yours. He obviously doesn't like been rejected and his ego is working overtime wondering why the charming side isn't working with you still. It's because you've seen threw him.
Well done. Don't falter. You're doing fine.

I've just finished the last session of the freedom course. We did all about 'the persuader' today. It was all him.

Threats of suicide, saying they were going to find someone else, promises of change...all of it.

It's such an eye opener and I'm gutted it's finished.

Thank you to everyone who has offered me advices and help me to see it for what it actually is.

I've had a message from him this morning. He is working away at the moment. He's taken a picture of a crane and asked me to show ds. Now it is a very big crane....but ds has no real interests in cranes so I'm not sure why I need to show him it.

I feel so strong yet so wobbly at the same time!

Thanks for the warning OP, all ladies currently dating, take care now this absolute gem is in the marketplace

Ha no problem....he's also convinced he looks like David Beckham and asks people regularly on their thoughts on this....if you find one that asks this then definitely be warned 😂😂😂

@sugarloop, 'I've just finished the last session of the freedom course. We did all about 'the persuader' today. It was all him.

Threats of suicide, saying they were going to find someone else, promises of change...all of it.

It's such an eye opener and I'm gutted it's finished.'

There's nothing to stop you from going back through those sessions and what you noticed and felt.
It's good that you've recognised what he's doing, and also perfectly normal to have a wobble here and there too.
Maybe read back your comments on here to reset your emotions?
You could also keep a journal where you do a brain dump every day - but make sure you put it somewhere no-one else can find it.

Thank you, yeah I do keep a journal. I video diary's too when things have been really bad. It's good but hard to watch them back.

I've not heard anything off him at all apart from when he wants to talk to ds. It's a good thing but strange. I think I've been discarded....finally!

He wants to be your knight. In shining armour, your hero, so he can sweep in and save you and ds. Also thinks it makes him look manly and he will keep you safe. Was he like this when you first met?