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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husbands told me he's going to find someone else

107 replies

sugarloop · 13/11/2023 18:58

We've been separated since September and barely spoke to him in weeks.

Today we had our first proper phone conversation as he was coming to collect the last of his remaining things. I put them in the boot of my car as I refuse to see him.

He text me when he was outside, I unlocked my car from inside and he got his things.

But then he rang and I answered. The phone call was the usual stuff he's said a million times before. Finding someone else is very important to him.

He asked me how I would feel if I saw someone else. My answer was I would be fine. I'm not bothered, he's abusive. I really don't think I'm bothered, it might hurt me later.....but right now I think I'm over it.

He told me he would probably move in with this person. I said ok.

He told me he needs to do what he needs to to move on. I said ok.

Then he ended the call yet again saying 'ok ok going to find someone else, I'll speak you later.

I said 'no problem bye' 👋 😂

Now he's just playing mind games for me to desperately going to turn around and beg him to come home which there is zero chance of.

Has anyone else had this?

I wonder if I'm finally over him....there's a trauma addiction in this. I never thought I would ever get there

OP posts:
Epidote · 14/11/2023 07:42

Can you write it down to make one terrible soap opera with his new adventures.😃. You can call it " the one who want to move on"

I bet is really exhausting listening to all of his plans.

Not sure what else you can do other than Grey rock him and wait for him to get the hint of your poker face.

I send you patience, you may need it with him.

frazzledasarock · 14/11/2023 07:48

Abusive ex tried this, but his was you’ll never find someone like me, nobody wants used goods. To which I replied I fucking hope never to find someone like you ever again. I couldn’t be that unlucky.

SophiaElise · 14/11/2023 07:56

Well done OP! Stay strong 💪🏻

KinS24 · 14/11/2023 07:57

Lord help the women he’s going to try next!

I love that people are more clued up these days and ‘red flag’ is common parlance among young people. I imagine someone with three DC by three women would find it hard to find a sucker who wants to take him in but you seem to think he has charms.

Well done and enjoy your peace.

Original poster
sugarloop · 14/11/2023 09:25

So....

I had a text from him this morning along the lines of

'Just so you know I have been messaging someone and last night I made the decision to meet up with them'

He then goes on to say actually quite nice things about me and ds. He will always be there for us, he thinks the world of me and he will only contact me now regarding ds. He still hopes I can rely on him for anything....apart from respecting my wishes to not know about his personal life that is 🙄

You can guess my response....'ok'

I do feel he is telling the truth this time and it did sort of sting when I read the message. But I rang my mum and now I'm fine. I've got my handy man here getting on with all his unfinished jobs.

OP posts:
Original poster
sugarloop · 14/11/2023 09:30

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 14/11/2023 07:41

Another well done from me.
You're handling this beautifully.
Definitely keep up with "ok" & "bye", nice and breezy, love it!
You're worried that you may feel sad / go to pieces further down the line.
It's a possibility.
When you're settled you may come to that place where you mourn the loss of your marriage, think about the "what ifs", wish things had been different, why someone you loved treated you so badly etc.
I think that's perfectly normal.
If that time comes cut yourself some slack, let it all come out, have a cry, have a wail, be angry, talk to your friends, get it all off your chest but most of all be kind to yourself.
Then give yourself a shake, it's then time for Chin Up and Tits out!
Be tall, be proud because you've made it out and you're worth it ❤️

That's what I'm worried about. Life with him is like living on constant high alert. Wondering what's going to happen next. It's not nice.

But when it calms down, I'm worried that's when I'll feel the pain. That's when I'll realise I've lost him. Especially as it's clear he's going to run any relationship he has in my face. I know full well he will treat her really well. But equally that's just love bombing and he needs somewhere to live.

I don't think he will really change. He's in therapy at the moment but I can't see there being a huge change within him. There certainly isn't any yet.

Not that it matters. How he treated me is what matters and I know that. It doesn't matter how he treats the next one. How he treated me was so abusive, horrific and just vile.

Eurgh, I'll get there. I just hope I'm over the worst.

OP posts:
Crikeyisthatthetime · 14/11/2023 09:30

sugarloop · 13/11/2023 22:54

Yeah I used to be one of these women. I used to constantly change my user name so people wouldn't be able to find my previous posts. No one ever told me to stay. But I did until I was finally ready to leave. Mumsnet has been a huge part of leaving my marriage.

I completely understand why they say it takes on average 7 times to leave an abusive relationship. I actually properly left him 2 years ago and never allowed myself to properly go back to him until I saw a change. He got worse and worse. In this time I healed. I realised who he actually was and fell out of love with him. Maybe that's why I'm ok now.

Show quote history

❤
And here you are telling them loud and clear that it can be done. However long it takes.
Maybe reading your post will give one more person the courage to escape, we can only hope.

welcometothnuthouse · 14/11/2023 09:36

If he's that up his on arse and has an huge ego I doubt therapy will do him much good tbh.

DRS1970 · 14/11/2023 09:43

Abusers are often quite manipulative and like to use that to regain control of situations. I think you are right in letting it slide, and just leaving him to do what he feels he needs to do. GL

Original poster
sugarloop · 14/11/2023 10:07

@Crikeyisthatthetime thank you so much ❤️

The key thing when speaking to women (or men) on here who are in an abusive relationship is not to tell them to leave unless they are in danger obviously. It's not that easy to leave.

I used to post and post on here about him but i was hoping that the responses I would get would make me sound like I was in the wrong. That he wasn't really that bad. I'd then start defending him even though I'd posted some awful things about him. I didn't get the response I wanted which was that it was my fault somehow.

I'd advise anyone who isn't ready to leave to begin to heal instead. And research. Research toxic relationships. Look into different types of abuse. If you can, have therapy. The freedom programme is amazing. Once you start to piece things together, it becomes so much more easier to detach. You recognise their behaviour and it doesn't hurt as much. You recognise the cycle. My ex used to give me the silent treatment. I hated it. He knew I hated it. It scared me. But as I was detaching from him, it didn't bother me as much. I began playing him at his own game and completely ignored him too.

My issue now is me. Realising my self worth and putting myself first (which I haven't done since the day I met him).

OP posts:
Alopeciabop · 14/11/2023 10:21

i has this - don’t know if this will happen to you though but just for interest - I just shut down completely emotionally and didn’t feel anything. Things that would’ve gutted me a month prior, just didn’t fluster me at all. THEN when the dust settles and it was actually over (after months of being called in the middle of the night etc) it all hit me. And o felt super trauma bonded to him. It then took tears to slowly rebuild. I didn’t do the work though - no therapy or freedom programme so keep going with those don’t stop and eventually it’ll be good.. just go slow and be gentle with yourself. Congratulations on first steps of freedom!

Startyabastard · 14/11/2023 10:37

He's a manipulative snake, the grey rock is working... keep doing it!

Original poster
sugarloop · 14/11/2023 10:59

Alopeciabop · 14/11/2023 10:21

i has this - don’t know if this will happen to you though but just for interest - I just shut down completely emotionally and didn’t feel anything. Things that would’ve gutted me a month prior, just didn’t fluster me at all. THEN when the dust settles and it was actually over (after months of being called in the middle of the night etc) it all hit me. And o felt super trauma bonded to him. It then took tears to slowly rebuild. I didn’t do the work though - no therapy or freedom programme so keep going with those don’t stop and eventually it’ll be good.. just go slow and be gentle with yourself. Congratulations on first steps of freedom!

Ahh thank you. You've clearly done amazing to get through to the other side by yourself.

I just hope I'm over the worst but time will tell. All I know is his actions don't hurt me anymore. If anything they do me a favour because it helps me to see what a pathetic loser he actually is lol.

OP posts:
Drpawpawspaw · 14/11/2023 11:06

He sounds like a part, well done handling it that way xx

Gowlett · 14/11/2023 11:19

sugarloop, well done to you. And for saying that it’s not just a case of LTB, as often advised here. Only those in abusive relationships understand the dynamics. Questioning yourself is part of it, even when you’re a strong woman (or once were one)(but your strong self is still inside hopefully!)

My DH (our marriage has been in a bad place this year) always says “You’ll meet someone else! You’ll be better off without me!” It’s so self-pitying… And the very last thing I’d do, ha ha!

Original poster
sugarloop · 14/11/2023 13:24

Gowlett · 14/11/2023 11:19

sugarloop, well done to you. And for saying that it’s not just a case of LTB, as often advised here. Only those in abusive relationships understand the dynamics. Questioning yourself is part of it, even when you’re a strong woman (or once were one)(but your strong self is still inside hopefully!)

My DH (our marriage has been in a bad place this year) always says “You’ll meet someone else! You’ll be better off without me!” It’s so self-pitying… And the very last thing I’d do, ha ha!

Thank you. I'm glad you agree. If it were so easy to leave, there would have been no need to post the probably 50/60 different posts I've done on here over the years. Knowing you need to leave is one thing but doing it is entirely different....and it's pretty scary stuff.

I feel quite wobbly today, I suppose it's to be expected and normal.

I've only ever had 2 relationships in my life. The first one was a compulsive liar and a cheat. Didn't want to let me go either. He would beg me to stay, write me poems and even offered me money to take him back.

The second one is him. I don't really know the 'normal' way a relationship should end and I suppose there isn't one. But this is just off the scale I feel!

I hope you are ok in your relationship, wether you choose to stay or to leave, I wish you the best of luck x

OP posts:
caringcarer · 14/11/2023 14:34

muchalover · 13/11/2023 19:04

I think you handled that to perfection.

He was looking for wailing and begging and you gave him nothing. Clever girl!

He sounds desperate for you to be upset. Well done you, on not caring anymore.

wildwestpioneer · 14/11/2023 15:03

Well done op, I loved reading your posts.

I used to play a game with my ex, the least words I responded with, the better. You'd be surprised how many texts or emails you can respond with 'k' Grin

I also kept waiting for the grief and sadness when I left my ex, then I waited for the sadness when he found a new gf, and when he moved in with her, and recently when they became engaged. Funny enough my sadness never came. Mild amusement at his 'goings on' but not sad. I guess sometimes people push us so far that relief and happiness at them and you moving on is all you feel. Onwards and upwards op!

Sunshinesky1981 · 14/11/2023 15:06

You are doing so well OP, you should be proud of yourself. You may still have ups and downs, but give yourself credit as to how far you have come.

It took me a long time to realize that the opposite of Love is not hate, it is just plain indifference. The complete absence of feelings. And it sounds like you are starting to get there x

RantyAnty · 14/11/2023 16:32

Well done on handling him!

It truly does take the wind out of their sails when they are so used to getting a reaction and they get none.

Original poster
sugarloop · 14/11/2023 17:15

wildwestpioneer · 14/11/2023 15:03

Well done op, I loved reading your posts.

I used to play a game with my ex, the least words I responded with, the better. You'd be surprised how many texts or emails you can respond with 'k' Grin

I also kept waiting for the grief and sadness when I left my ex, then I waited for the sadness when he found a new gf, and when he moved in with her, and recently when they became engaged. Funny enough my sadness never came. Mild amusement at his 'goings on' but not sad. I guess sometimes people push us so far that relief and happiness at them and you moving on is all you feel. Onwards and upwards op!

Thank you. I will start to remove the 'o' from my responses and just start putting a 'k'....that's even better!

I do feel wobbly today, I feel sort of uncomfortable. I can't really explain it but I'm definitely not heartbroken or crying. I suppose it's just sadness that I've lost him. But I don't want him lol.

I'm sure I will be fine though, I've got the freedom programme tomorrow and it's the last one which im gutted about but can't wait to do. I need to get my anger back!

OP posts:
Original poster
sugarloop · 14/11/2023 17:18

Sunshinesky1981 · 14/11/2023 15:06

You are doing so well OP, you should be proud of yourself. You may still have ups and downs, but give yourself credit as to how far you have come.

It took me a long time to realize that the opposite of Love is not hate, it is just plain indifference. The complete absence of feelings. And it sounds like you are starting to get there x

Thank you. I hope so too!

He has said loads of times that I hate him. I don't. What's the point in that? It's not going to make anything better by hating him. I just don't really care. I'm not bitter (or at least I hope I won't be!) and I actually wish him all the best. That's the healthy way to be. But again, he just doesn't see why I'm like that.

He says I'm too strong when the reality is I'm grey rock. I'm detaching from him. I don't miss him. I don't love him. I do feel quite sad today and I can't quite put my finger on why but I'm sure it will pass.

OP posts:
Startyabastard · 14/11/2023 17:25

I agree that you're handling it really well. You've come on loads xx

Myfabby · 14/11/2023 17:25

sugarloop · 14/11/2023 17:15

Thank you. I will start to remove the 'o' from my responses and just start putting a 'k'....that's even better!

I do feel wobbly today, I feel sort of uncomfortable. I can't really explain it but I'm definitely not heartbroken or crying. I suppose it's just sadness that I've lost him. But I don't want him lol.

I'm sure I will be fine though, I've got the freedom programme tomorrow and it's the last one which im gutted about but can't wait to do. I need to get my anger back!

Show quote history

He doesn't need or deserve a response. Even that OK fuels him.

You sound bloody brilliant and detaching nicely. That probably scares him and he's looking for a reaction. Ignore! Ignore! Ignore!

You'll be fine- more than fine X

Myfabby · 14/11/2023 17:29

EmmaEmerald · 13/11/2023 20:47

OP "Why do they think we won't survive? Life is easier without them!"

so true! I feel like there's a lot of men who think they enhance women's lives by just being in the house. It's weird.

Edited

You only need to read the dating and relationship threads on here to see why men are so emboldened. Standards are non existent!

There was a thread about a man pissing in his wife's housecoat and laughing about it and and women were actively supporting him, saying oh, I see the funny side, it makes a funny story, it's just an extra bit of washing, and happily regaling us with when their significant others pee'd in cupboards even as far as one bending down to poo at the end of the bed!