My husbands told me he's going to find someone else

[sugarloop]

We've been separated since September and barely spoke to him in weeks.

Today we had our first proper phone conversation as he was coming to collect the last of his remaining things. I put them in the boot of my car as I refuse to see him.

He text me when he was outside, I unlocked my car from inside and he got his things.

But then he rang and I answered. The phone call was the usual stuff he's said a million times before. Finding someone else is very important to him.

He asked me how I would feel if I saw someone else. My answer was I would be fine. I'm not bothered, he's abusive. I really don't think I'm bothered, it might hurt me later.....but right now I think I'm over it.

He told me he would probably move in with this person. I said ok.

He told me he needs to do what he needs to to move on. I said ok.

Then he ended the call yet again saying 'ok ok going to find someone else, I'll speak you later.

I said 'no problem bye' 👋 😂

Now he's just playing mind games for me to desperately going to turn around and beg him to come home which there is zero chance of.

Has anyone else had this?

I wonder if I'm finally over him....there's a trauma addiction in this. I never thought I would ever get there

Xh showed me a online chat with a woman the day I moved. Then told me it was a paid site 😂he spent a lot of money trying to show me he was moving on

Kindly op, he DOES get it.

'He just doesn't get it' is what they want you to believe. Its what keeps so many victims staying with them, desperately trying to find the 'right words' to 'make them understand'.

It's a con.
He knows he is abusive. He just doesn't want you to know he knows.

If you're looking for proof
... have you ever seen him do a little smirk when he has done something hurtful and perhapz, right when you are desperately trying to explain why you are hurt? Or another example, would be him telling you you are 'overreacting' or 'oversensitive' all the time instead of caring about you being upset and trying to reassure you or show you kindness and understanding?

That's the behaviour of someone who means you harm. And wants to gaslight you into thinking you're crazy for thinking that.

He gets it.
Trust me, he gets it.

I just read your OP and shouted YES so loudly that I made my dog jump!

I love that you didn’t give him the reaction he wanted!

Carry this on.
I’m sure he’ll try and keep pushing it and ‘accidentally’ send you texts meant for a new woman or tell you about her meeting the kids.
Keep saying ok or just ignoring it.

I remember Harvey off so solid crew (if anyone remembers them) giving an interview and he said the thing that hurt him the most was when Alisha Dixon found out about his cheating and instead of screaming and shouting, she was really calm and just ended things.
He said this is the hardest thing for a man to go through and if she’d acted crazy then he could have justified his cheating but the fact that she stayed calm made him feel even worse and wanted to stay with her.

Oh I bet you begged for him back after that 🤣🤣

Well done. He tried four times to get a reaction and you shut him down. He sounds like a pathetic, desperate, empty little man.

Well played Op !!!

Well done!! 👏

I think you are right, he’s been trying to find someone and can’t so now he realises he not the catch he thought he was so probably figures being with you would probably be better than being on his lonesome

I truly admire you OP.

He wanted you to be jealous and wanted a reaction. You played him at his own game and gave him nothing, which has probably wound him up no end.

You handled everything like a star, especially the handover of belongings.

Keep up the good work and enjoy your new found freedom.

Good for you, OP. Don't get involved in his game playing and keep collecting the evidence of what an arse he is.

Thank you for all the 'well done' comments. I didn't expect those!

It was more a case of am I really over this?

I mean tomorrow I've got a handy man coming to finish all the little jobs off in the house that need doing. That would also drive him absolutely mad. One because I don't need him, I've sorted it and he knows I really wanted it all finishing. Also because he will still count them as his jobs to finish. And lastly because he will probably think the handy man is or will become my new boyfriend. I can predict it all!

Funny you should say that as I saw that interview that he did and he does not come across very well in it at all! I always thought he admitted the truth, not that he was caught.

Love Alesha Dixon! She seems very happy and settled now.

Hope your dog is ok 😂

@Pinkbonbon thank you, that makes total sense. He never really smirked. I'd just get the silent treatment.

But he would do the over sensitive thing. He would always say 'what you crying for?'. In an unkind way. Like it was annoying him. I can hear it now and it still makes me feel nervous.

You may be right to be honest. One minute he's full of apologies. They do seem sincere....ish. Though they don't get him anywhere so next it's all me and I am a 'nasty piece of work'. He only goes like that when I don't accept the apology like he wants me too. I don't let him back.

Then he gets into this vicious circle. Again, I can see it all.

He just needs to realise that I've stepped out of the circle now so he's in it on his own 😂

Good for you OP!! Sounds like you are doing amazing. The only person you need to make happy is yourself (and dc of course). You are clearly way to good for him. Let him wallow in self pity on his mums sofa!

I'm so cheered up to read this tonight, there are so many sad threads today from women trapped in relationships with abusive arses, finally here's one who got away - in style!

Yeah I used to be one of these women. I used to constantly change my user name so people wouldn't be able to find my previous posts. No one ever told me to stay. But I did until I was finally ready to leave. Mumsnet has been a huge part of leaving my marriage.

I completely understand why they say it takes on average 7 times to leave an abusive relationship. I actually properly left him 2 years ago and never allowed myself to properly go back to him until I saw a change. He got worse and worse. In this time I healed. I realised who he actually was and fell out of love with him. Maybe that's why I'm ok now.

The last ditch attempts to invoke jealousy are so pathetic. Laughable. I'm sure they come from projecting their own narcissistic crap on to you, like you too might feel that pathological ownership of another human being.

I had a brilliant example of this when I was 21, seeing an older (but quite dysfunctional man). A real last ditch attempt on his part when we were finally, properly breaking up.

He lived in my very large home town/city. I was at my small university town. I usually saw him at home town visiting at weekends. Obviously I stopped going back at weekends which helped with the breaking up. But he would call me. One time he called and told me he'd been to an event near my university town (no reason for him to have gone to this event in this area at all really; it was bizarre and completely unrelated to any of his interests). He told me he'd met someone beautiful -potentially the start of a new relationship. Apparently she was on my course and knew me. He was all giddy in this faux celebratory "isn't it great how we're moving on" type bollocks: "you wouldn't believe the coincidence, she knows you! Isn't that great?!"

I definitely had the pang of shock? jealousy? or just the horror of someone I know now being involved with my ex...but I just asked her name and realised he was just just giving a generic female name of someone who didn't actually exist at all. He hadn't been to uni and I think he imagined it was such a big place, with huge numbers, that someone anonymous could exist; that I wouldn't know the name of everyone on the course.

The utter stupidity of that conversation provided the ick that stopped me returning and repeating old mistakes!

Definitely doesn’t have any woman lined up. He’s just chatting shit to get a re-action out of you. He’s worried that you’re not worried clearly, and you reacted to his pathetic comments perfectly OP. Bravo…

Just another post to say your grey rock technique when dealing with your ex-dick was amazing! Well played. Its taken me a while but I'm finally doing it myself . . . .

Oh dear I would be laughing, he's so transparent! You handled it perfectly.

So pleased you're doing it too. It's taken me a long long time to get to this point. I always knew I couldn't stay with him but the thought of leaving him was equally terrifying and it has been. Calls to the police etc.

The more he acts like this, the stronger I feel and also less scared too.

We still have a few things left to sort but it'll be grey rock all the way for me.

Next time whish him luck and tell him to not to give you a report of what he is going to do because you are not that interested.

It doesn't matter why he is doing it. It does matter that you don't want to know it and that is your ex for various reasons.
BTW he sounds like a losers.
Well rid and good grey rock.

There were so many things I actually wanted to say.

Like when he said he would probably move in with whoever he ends up with.

I love that he actually just thinks he can do that. No regard for his future partners feelings or life - which I relate too, he did the same to me. Couldn't get rid of him after our first date. He might as well of brought his bags with him.

I was desperate to say 'well I wouldn't expect anything less of you. It's not like you're going to go and find a place of your own and live independently and look after yourself now is it?'

He really is looking for his next slave and that just shows it.

I've done this many many times. I've told him I don't want to know or need to know. I've told him it's not my business. He just ignores it all completely and carries on.

But I can laugh about it. When he emailed me to say he's found someone else he put:

'Just want to let you know I've met someone and I'm going to move forward with them. Just incase you hear it from anyone else'.

A week later he emailed me saying it was just words and he made it all up. Not really going to hear ir from anyone else then am I 😂

It doesn't matter what I say, he will still tell me everything that I don't want to know about.

Another well done from me.
You're handling this beautifully.
Definitely keep up with "ok" & "bye", nice and breezy, love it!
You're worried that you may feel sad / go to pieces further down the line.
It's a possibility.
When you're settled you may come to that place where you mourn the loss of your marriage, think about the "what ifs", wish things had been different, why someone you loved treated you so badly etc.
I think that's perfectly normal.
If that time comes cut yourself some slack, let it all come out, have a cry, have a wail, be angry, talk to your friends, get it all off your chest but most of all be kind to yourself.
Then give yourself a shake, it's then time for Chin Up and Tits out!
Be tall, be proud because you've made it out and you're worth it ❤️