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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I An Insecure Pain In The Arse

83 replies

CarolH64 · 12/11/2023 11:22

I’m 33. I have been with my bf just over 3 years. I’ve never been married, had couple long term relationships though. My guy was married. He’s 38, has a son from the marriage.
My issue is he blows hot and cold. It’s resulted in me being insecure, not knowing where I truly stand and being paranoid. I keep thinking he’s not really into me, maybe he’s interested in someone else secretly, I don’t think I have worth to him. He gets mad at me and says I’m impossible and being immature. But he doesn’t understand from my side how it feels. He can be loving and attentive one day then totally distant and negative and snappy at me the next day. Sometimes the offish attitude can last a couple of weeks where he doesn’t even want sex, barely get a hug or kiss. Sometimes he’s nasty verbally. I call him out on this and he will get more annoyed and snap more - or give me silent treatment because I’m doing his head in with my ‘bullshit’
It confuses and hurts me and it’s hard to talk to him because he shuts me down and dismisses it as all in my head. He says my insecurity is my problem and has nothing to do with him. He doesn’t even apologise for the times he’s shouting and swearing at me and says I push his buttons and I need to change my attitude and grow up.
I feel like things are not right here but he’s making out like I’m overreacting and I am the problem.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 12/11/2023 11:25

Get rid and you won’t be confused anymore, nor will you think that you are the problem

he doesn’t have your back and this relationship has no future

pinkyredrose · 12/11/2023 11:28

He shouts and swears at you?! That is not a healthy relationship.

Dump this game playing arsehole. He doesn't respect you.

YouJustDoYou · 12/11/2023 11:28

He's gaslighting you. He's being an immature gaslighting abusive shit. No one deserves to be treated like that. Bin him and be free of that bullshit.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 12/11/2023 11:28

Relationships are not supposed to make you feel bad and insecure and on edge. You're supposed to feel happy, secure, loved.

Your bf is acting in a way that makes you feel bad. It's not working for you. I'd dump him. You deserve much better.

YouJustDoYou · 12/11/2023 11:29

Oh, and you are NOT "overreacting"!. Classic abuser gaslighting technique to try and make you think you're in the wrong for not appreciating/not liking being verbally abused and treated like a worthless piece of shit.

TheShellBeach · 12/11/2023 11:30

Whoa OP.
He's telling you that you're the problem, not him.
But he's the one doing the nasty things. That's unfair and cruel.

He sounds awful.

BarbaraCadabra · 12/11/2023 11:31

Do not doubt yourself @CarolH64

Did he by any chance say his ex was crazy? It's always the woman's fault, he will never take responsibility for his behaviours. Get out while you can.

Original poster
CarolH64 · 12/11/2023 11:33

He recently said to me ‘not once in over 3 years have I said I want to break up.’
Thats true but he also doesn’t make me feel like he values me as a person and doesn’t want to lose me. He will just say he is who he is and if I don’t like it then that’s my problem. He shouldn’t have to act like a lap dog to prove he loves me. I know that. But it would be nice to have a man who is consistent, not pushing then pulling because I never know where I stand and don’t feel genuinely meaningful to his life. Then when I try discuss it I’m in trouble. He’s lukewarm more often than he’s loving

OP posts:
Original poster
CarolH64 · 12/11/2023 11:34

Hasn’t said that about his ex but did say she always thought she was right and she did him a favour by leaving

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/11/2023 11:37

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Your relationship with him is really at an end now because he is your abuser.
What he is also showing you when he is being “nice” is actually the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. The silent treatment is a for, if emotional abuse. You are not overreacting and such abuse is done by degrees, it really can creep up on people. He is also projecting his own self onto you, he wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

men like this can and do damage boundaries and self worth so you will need both time and space to recover from his abuses of you. Please look at enrolling yourself onto the Freedom programme going forward.

Do contact Women’s Aid and start to plan your exit from this with due care and attention. What support do you have in real life, start telling them what this man is really like because abuse also thrives on secrecy.

BarbaraCadabra · 12/11/2023 11:39

But it would be nice to have a man who is consistent, not pushing then pulling because I never know where I stand

That's part of the abuse tactics, the pushing and pulling, precisely so you don't know where you stand. Precisely so you doubt yourself, precisely so your self esteem gets so low that you'll end up accepting all of his behaviours and by the end there won't be any of the pulling, he'll just push, push, push until you are broken.

Being single is an option, I can highly recommend it Flowers

Original poster
CarolH64 · 12/11/2023 11:45

I know I’m 33, should be able to figure this out at my age but my previous relationships weren’t like this. This is the first time I find myself feeling so confused and insecure, constantly questioning and honestly it’s like I’m losing my mind.
One day he’s affectionate and into me physically and complimenting me, then the next he’s got no physical interest for couple weeks even if I’m making a lot of effort, and hardly conversational, snapping at me for everything. I even get told to F off and told I’m the most demanding woman he’s known

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 12/11/2023 11:50

No

hes a tricky motherfuxker and his HIS behaviour makes you anxious

and who can blame you
distance yourself and see your anxiety lessen

samestyle · 12/11/2023 11:51

Ditch him, he's unpredictable and abusive, 3 years have taught you that he doesn't change, you can decide how your life can be, is it freedom and making better choices or staying how it is, I know what I'd choose.

CurlewKate · 12/11/2023 11:53

Relationships are supposed to be fun and make you feel happy and good about yourself. This one doesn't. Dump.

unsync · 12/11/2023 12:02

He's abusive. Leave.

BarbaraCadabra · 12/11/2023 12:06

CarolH64 · 12/11/2023 11:45

I know I’m 33, should be able to figure this out at my age but my previous relationships weren’t like this. This is the first time I find myself feeling so confused and insecure, constantly questioning and honestly it’s like I’m losing my mind.
One day he’s affectionate and into me physically and complimenting me, then the next he’s got no physical interest for couple weeks even if I’m making a lot of effort, and hardly conversational, snapping at me for everything. I even get told to F off and told I’m the most demanding woman he’s known

It wasn't until I was out of my marriage and had help from Women's Aid that I realised quite how abusive my husband had been. I knew some of what he was doing wasn't right but when you are trained from the start to accept the behaviours you don't see them for what they are. If you haven't heard of the boiling frog analogy it's worth a google.

I too felt like I was going out of my mind. I couldn't have told you why but I honestly thought I was going mad.

You have to know that it's not you personally (daft as that sounds), he will be like this with any partner. I agree with PP, please contact WA and speak to them about how to get away from his as safely as you can. Men like this do not take kindly to being rejected, he will either ramp up the abuse or do the pulling thing again till you are back where you left off.

You are still young, you've got so much life ahead of you, please don't waste any more of it on this inconsequential 'man'.

MintJulia · 12/11/2023 12:12

OP, you have just written this. "I find myself feeling so confused and insecure, constantly questioning and honestly it’s like I’m losing my mind. "

That's after 3 years. Imagine how you will feel after 10 ! This is not a healthy relationship. It is not good for you and it is not making you happy.

It's time to leave and find someone who adds to your life, not makes you feel miserable.

Original poster
CarolH64 · 12/11/2023 12:16

Thank you. It’s not pleasant being told I’m crazy and need therapy because I ask for a bit more positivity from him. I tend to be the one telling him all the time I love him and the reasons why. Elevating him. I mostly get told my faults. It strips away your self esteem

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 12/11/2023 12:18

CarolH64 · 12/11/2023 12:16

Thank you. It’s not pleasant being told I’m crazy and need therapy because I ask for a bit more positivity from him. I tend to be the one telling him all the time I love him and the reasons why. Elevating him. I mostly get told my faults. It strips away your self esteem

Yes.
And when you're free of him your self esteem will return.

Jewelspun · 12/11/2023 12:19

Normal, kind and loving people are consistent with their behaviour and affection.

A man who truly loves you won't make you feel like shit.

His vile behaviour is an agenda to chip away your self esteem and turn you into a nervous wreck dependent on his attention.

One minute he will turn the headlights on and you will be lit up in their glare and feel warm and notices.

Then at his whim he will then them off and you will be cold, alone and in darkness.

Bin the cunt.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/11/2023 12:23

Carol

How can you be helped into getting rid of your abuser?. This is who he really is and he is not going to change.

Original poster
CarolH64 · 12/11/2023 12:32

If I’m not important enough to make an effort - why wouldn’t he just end it with me? This also baffles me

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 12/11/2023 12:45

Because he likes having someone around who focusses on him and not on themselves. He knows he can pull the wool over your eyes, treat you badly, and you will keep on trying to figure him out rather than consider if you want to be in a relationship that makes you feel bad. You'll keep on trying to make him feel good, and that makes him feel powerful.

Then one day, when he has a new shiny, he will drop you suddenly and without explanation.

The only way to avoid this is to dump him first.

You feel confused because at some level you know you should get out of a relationship that makes you so unhappy, but another part of you is afraid and so you tell yourself you are confused to avoid having to take any steps.

And be prepared, as soon as you do end it, he'll pretend to transform into the perosn he was when you met. this oculd go on for years - but you need to remember that this person who is hot and cold (always a sign to leave) and emotionally abusive is the person he is. The rest is just fish bait to hook people.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/11/2023 12:57

He likes having you around to abuse and or otherwise mistreated. He won’t get rid of you because if he did, he would then have to put the work in to find another woman to abuse. You ultimately will end up afraid of your own shadow if you remain with him, there is no future that is good with this man.