Am I An Insecure Pain In The Arse

[CarolH64]

I’m 33. I have been with my bf just over 3 years. I’ve never been married, had couple long term relationships though. My guy was married. He’s 38, has a son from the marriage.
My issue is he blows hot and cold. It’s resulted in me being insecure, not knowing where I truly stand and being paranoid. I keep thinking he’s not really into me, maybe he’s interested in someone else secretly, I don’t think I have worth to him. He gets mad at me and says I’m impossible and being immature. But he doesn’t understand from my side how it feels. He can be loving and attentive one day then totally distant and negative and snappy at me the next day. Sometimes the offish attitude can last a couple of weeks where he doesn’t even want sex, barely get a hug or kiss. Sometimes he’s nasty verbally. I call him out on this and he will get more annoyed and snap more - or give me silent treatment because I’m doing his head in with my ‘bullshit’
It confuses and hurts me and it’s hard to talk to him because he shuts me down and dismisses it as all in my head. He says my insecurity is my problem and has nothing to do with him. He doesn’t even apologise for the times he’s shouting and swearing at me and says I push his buttons and I need to change my attitude and grow up.
I feel like things are not right here but he’s making out like I’m overreacting and I am the problem.

Your plan sounds great, except that you're not having a conversation with him. You're telling him something. It's very different. You can tell him in a note that you leave at his flat. You don't need his input or ideas or opinions or suggestions, because you have made a decision, for you, that you are no longer in this relationship. He has no say.

He is a gaslighting prick and you need to run for the hills and don't look back. Stupid bastard

yep for god's sake don't bother interacting with this waste of space. leave a note and block him. He's an out and out arsehole

“Great that he is going away at the weekend as you'll have time to read this:

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/239509.Women_Who_Love_Too_Much

Seriously, please do read it. It's a classic that has helped many women who stay in bad relationships because they don't value themselves enough.”

Great recommendation. I think you will find this eye-opening. Your father’s treatment of you has almost certainly led you to a place of tolerating such sh1t treatment. It sounds like you learnt that you were of very limited value as a person and you’re used to getting only brief snatches of positive attention and being grateful for that.

Please get your stuff and end it this weekend. Is there anyone in real life who can support you while you do this? You need to be prepared for him to swear devotion and that he will change etc or even threaten suicide once he realises you’re gone. But none of it will mean anything and he will be fine and almost certainly move on very quickly to his next victim.

You've given away too much of your power, OP. You're asking the wrong questions.

You're asking, what can I do to make him be nice to me? Ie your happiness is dependant on another person's moods. That's a very weak position to be in.

Ask yourself instead, how can I get rid of someone who has no idea how to treat me? It's their problem, not yours. Walk away my love. You can do so much better (and you will).

Thank you to everyone for the advice, empowering fellow women, the links to books etc to help me - especially those of you who have been through similar experiences

Hey OP
I've been in your shoes more than once and it's not an age thing. Your very question indicates that you're doubtful and unsure about yourself. This is because these push pull tactics create a rollercoaster than attack your self esteem. They also create a dependency, or to be fair an addiction, so this seems like THE one because the highs are so good, and you feel so bad during the lows. Then you crave the affection and attention and it becomes impossible to leave. This is why women stay. This is why this sort of man will go into push mode more often because he has you exactly where he wants you. Subservient. The thing is, you need to see the highs for what they are - disingenuous, manipulative. And reflect on who you are - would you have accepted a man putting you down or telling you to f off when you were raising concerns before? No? Good! Hold onto that image of yourself and don't fall into the trap of believing you are demanding, lesser than etc. You are amazing! It will be very hard to be single after this experience but you can do it OP. Day by day, you'll get through it and reclaim yourself and the consistent kind love you deserve. This man is robbing you of that the longer you are with him.

I think it's a good idea to change the question. Rather than 'Am I being an insecure pain in the ass?', how about 'I refuse to stay in any relationship that makes me feel like I might be being an insecure pain in the ass'?

We can all be/feel like a pain, in lots of ways. The trick to happiness is to walk away from unhappy situations.