Am I An Insecure Pain In The Arse

[CarolH64]

I’m 33. I have been with my bf just over 3 years. I’ve never been married, had couple long term relationships though. My guy was married. He’s 38, has a son from the marriage.
My issue is he blows hot and cold. It’s resulted in me being insecure, not knowing where I truly stand and being paranoid. I keep thinking he’s not really into me, maybe he’s interested in someone else secretly, I don’t think I have worth to him. He gets mad at me and says I’m impossible and being immature. But he doesn’t understand from my side how it feels. He can be loving and attentive one day then totally distant and negative and snappy at me the next day. Sometimes the offish attitude can last a couple of weeks where he doesn’t even want sex, barely get a hug or kiss. Sometimes he’s nasty verbally. I call him out on this and he will get more annoyed and snap more - or give me silent treatment because I’m doing his head in with my ‘bullshit’
It confuses and hurts me and it’s hard to talk to him because he shuts me down and dismisses it as all in my head. He says my insecurity is my problem and has nothing to do with him. He doesn’t even apologise for the times he’s shouting and swearing at me and says I push his buttons and I need to change my attitude and grow up.
I feel like things are not right here but he’s making out like I’m overreacting and I am the problem.

Oh love, he knows exactly what he's doing!

It's classic abusive tactics - throw some good to keep you hooked and then follow up with a lot more bad.

It won't change. He likes the game, he likes "keeping you on your toes" as he will see it, being an emotionally abusive gaslighting cunt as we see it.

You need to finish this and take time to heal from this.

He doesn't care about you, can't you see that? He doesn't care that you're upset.

He's making your life worse not better. Do you live together? What's stopping you leaving him?

Why do you want to be with someone who hurts you, who you can't understand, and who doesn't understand you, @CarolH64 ?

Where did you learn that that was a relationship model that you should try to maintain?

I wonder if your parents didn't/don't understand you, and do hurtful things (perhaps unwittingly)?

All of his behaviour is designed to baffle you, make you doubt yourself, make you feel that you're not trying hard enough for him, walk on eggshells, dance to his every tune.

It is very difficult to see their behaviour clearly for what it is while you're still with them. They keep your head filled with them deliberately, so that you don't have the headspace to see them for what they actually are.

As others have said, he doesn't want to end it with you because he has you where he wants you. Also while he's still got you he's not having to play the nice guy for his next victim so he can relax a bit. It's all going his way, all of it. And you are posting here wondering if it's your fault. I've been where you are, it's bloody miserable, I hope you can find peace away from him soon

Do you live with this prick? Do you have children together?

I don’t live with him but spend a lot of time with him. He doesn’t want a live in girlfriend As he says it could be smothering. No kids together

You are young, @CarolH64 - in the prime of life! Why would you want to waste your precious youth on an abusive tosser who delights in toying with you and laughs at your distress?

Why not invest in yourself - get counselling and try to work out what you really want from your life.

To start with, read these:

• Women Who Love Too Much
• The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

But please, please - give him his marching orders. He is no good for you!

I’ve held on for the good sides because that’s what I fell in love with. When it’s good it’s great. I guess I’ve also been blaming myself for the bad times as he makes out it’s down to me.
Ive tried to get through to him but nothings worked so far and MN posters are probably right that it won’t get better. My only options are stay in the relationship with the unhappy sides or get out and be on my own for a while

Thanks for people’s advice

You deserve so much better! Like many others have already said, this is abusive and gaslighting behaviour. I hope you realise this, and take time out for yourself to work on your self esteem and realise what a great person you are x

I will do my best to muster up the courage and strength to walk away from this. He’s already told me my previous relationships must’ve been a failure due to me.

I think @CarolH64 , just to quote your thread title, it might be worth noting that any of us could be 'An Insecure Pain In The Arse', with the right partner. And by 'right', I mean the right person to push us to that state, not the 'right' partner.

Any of us can get to extremes of behaviour, act out of character, have emotional swings etc, in circumstances that encourage us to do so, and we all have different circumstances to trigger us to that, because we all have different experience.

Hopefully, that normalises anything you've said, done, or felt, and helps you to understand that (as someone said to me) there's nothing wrong with you except your partner.

I mean, does anybody else in your life think that you are problematically insecure? If he and his whole existence vanished into thin air, would you believe yourself to be problematically insecure? I honestly think 'Let's break up then' might be a useful thing to say. If he's got such problems with you, what's wrong with him, that he would stay in a relationship with someone he thinks is so crap? His every criticism of you is an indication of his uselessness at finding himself a happy life, isn't it? Rather than a comment on you? I mean, if he insisted that your hair was made of yoghurt, you wouldn't start panicking, would you, that perhaps it was, and you'd just never realised? You'd say 'You're a loon, mate! I don't want a loon for a boyfriend, so we're going to have to break up.' And this is the same. If he tells you you're crazy, and you need therapy, just because you asked him for some positivity, then he's a loon to you. In your world, people don't need therapy for wanting positivity, so he can think what he likes: he's nuts in your eyes, and you don't want a nuts partner.

It's not you OP, it's him. You're feeling insecure and confused because of the way he is behaving.

Yes this! Ultimately look at how this relationship makes you feel. I'm sorry to say this, but I would recommend leaving.

“He recently said to me ‘not once in over 3 years have I said I want to break up.’”

Read that back carefully. He’s never SAID it. He might have thought it but if he’s got sex on tap and a woman bending over backwards to appease him and stroke his ego, no matter what he (metaphorically) throws at her, he’ll stick around and see how far he can push that.

“He will just say he is who he is and if I don’t like it then that’s my problem.”

To be fair, he does have a point there. Why SHOULD he change who he is? Why should ANYONE change to become the person someone else wants them to be? He’s basically telling you that his core personality is shit and he’s happy about that and you can like it or lump it.

“Hasn’t said that about his ex but did say she always thought she was right and she did him a favour by leaving”

Interesting. So she left him did she? That’s as close as you’re ever going to get to him admitting he was the problem.

“This is the first time I find myself feeling so confused and insecure, constantly questioning and honestly it’s like I’m losing my mind.”

Putting him aside for a minute – do you think feeling like this is a healthy way to feel in a relationship?

“If I’m not important enough to make an effort - why wouldn’t he just end it with me? This also baffles me”

Because he’s enjoying the sex on tap and the ego boost of a woman bending over backwards to become the person she thinks he wants whilst trying to change him into the man she wants. Once he’s bored of that, he’ll end it.

Or you can decide he doesn’t get to tell you how you’re supposed to feel or react to his shittyness and, instead of trying to reason with him or call him out on it, just call time on the relationship. Don’t spend eternity wondering how you can encourage him to be nicer to you – he’s already as much as told you he doesn’t give a shit about how you feel.

TLDR; no you’re not an insecure pain in the arse – he is. Trust your instincts here. You’re feeling insecure and unsettled because you’re finally seeing his true colours and you don’t like them. Don’t try to change him, or yourself. Just leave him.

He's trying to pull the rug from under your feet and make you feel bad.
That's just cruel.

I have valued reading everyone’s comments. They’ve been helpful and given me some insights and a different perspective. It won’t be easy to close the door to this because I hi early do love the guy after all this time and you get used to someone. It has admittedly gotten worse over time though so if it’s never going to improve or only get worse then I don’t want to spend my life like this. I don’t expect any man to put up with bad behaviour from me but I also need someone who loves me enough to listen to me when I’m feeling upset or insecure, and then make an effort to help me

Oooh … I know the answer to this one. He is species Homo Sapien, genus “Headfuck”. It’s a specific type of partner. The hot and cold shit keeps you off balance. There’s always a promise of great just just round the corner but it never comes. You end up running faster and faster and getting more confused and eventually feeling crazy and as if it’s you. It’s totally not you, he is fucking your head. Sadly the only cure is to get away but beware, if you try to dump him he will amp up the head fucking and for a period you’ll feel even more as if it’s you.

Are you happy? I mean really content, happy, relaxed, in love? Answer that question and then take action and don’t let him head fuck you into taking him back, admitting it’s your fault and trying harder or you’ll be posting this again in 6 months time. Been there, have a T-shirt and a headfuck ex. My new boyfriend is happiness and peace. Really shows how bad the last one was!

Thanks for your input. Sorry you had a shitty experience but glad you’re in a good place now. I wish I didn’t have to go through this. I know it’s going to be tough because I feel sad and scared walking away even though I know I have to

@CarolH64

You don't behave badly around people who respect you, though, do you? Think about the difference between how you feel with him, how upsetting it is for you, and how you feel with your closest, most respected/respectful person in your life.

Worlds apart?

Most people think and say that I’m a decent, giving soft hearted person
maybe my bf just sees the worst sides of me that nobody else sees

Maybe, and that's fine; we all have parts that we don't want to see/show.

Accept that, and stay away from people who focus on those parts of you. It's not good for any of us to have a spotlight on our failings, even if the person perceiving the 'failings' is right in their perception. Also, he could be wrong in his perception.

If you spend all your time, for the rest of your life, with people who see you as decent and soft hearted, will that feel better or worse for you, than if you spend all your time with people who see your worst sides?

And maybe he's lying about it to upset you.
You seem very willing to accept his assessment of your character.

I know I need to end this and I will.
it’s damaging me mentally and emotionally and I have little self confidence left.
I even get in trouble for doing nice things for him or buying him little gifts to show I love and appreciate him

@CarolH64 - it’s not you, it’s him. He makes you feel bad most of the time. This isn’t the man for you.

You say that when it’s good, it’s great but that’s the case in any relationship. The more important test is how it feels when you’re not getting on so well and how often that happens.

Please don’t waste any more time on him.