Am I An Insecure Pain In The Arse

[CarolH64]

I’m 33. I have been with my bf just over 3 years. I’ve never been married, had couple long term relationships though. My guy was married. He’s 38, has a son from the marriage.
My issue is he blows hot and cold. It’s resulted in me being insecure, not knowing where I truly stand and being paranoid. I keep thinking he’s not really into me, maybe he’s interested in someone else secretly, I don’t think I have worth to him. He gets mad at me and says I’m impossible and being immature. But he doesn’t understand from my side how it feels. He can be loving and attentive one day then totally distant and negative and snappy at me the next day. Sometimes the offish attitude can last a couple of weeks where he doesn’t even want sex, barely get a hug or kiss. Sometimes he’s nasty verbally. I call him out on this and he will get more annoyed and snap more - or give me silent treatment because I’m doing his head in with my ‘bullshit’
It confuses and hurts me and it’s hard to talk to him because he shuts me down and dismisses it as all in my head. He says my insecurity is my problem and has nothing to do with him. He doesn’t even apologise for the times he’s shouting and swearing at me and says I push his buttons and I need to change my attitude and grow up.
I feel like things are not right here but he’s making out like I’m overreacting and I am the problem.

One of the things I love about my DH is that he brings out the best in me as a person. Even if it isn't entirely him, but something about the way the two of you interact together as a couple, it's still not a good thing.

And even if it was much better than it is, the fact that he doesn't want to live with you after 3 years is a problem in itself, no? This relationship can't move forwards. Luckily this is a blessing in disguise, as it will be much easier to split up with him as you don't have to deal with finding a new place etc.

Don’t waste your 30s with an unkind man like this.

As to the reason he doesn't end it with you, sadly there are some people who really enjoy the sense of power it gives them to have someone madly in love with them, who they can treat as badly as they like and they still come back for more. It sounds like he might be one of those people

He will just say he is who he is and if I don’t like it then that’s my problem

Well this at least is true. He is like this. You don’t like it. It is a problem for you.

You should leave. This relationship is messing you up. It’s not going to improve, you will fell worse and worse.

Stop wasting your time and move on.

It's really fucked up, isn't it, their way of thinking. No matter what you do it will be wrong. He could ask for a pint of milk, you give him the pint of milk and he could scream in your face that he wanted a bucket of sand, all so that you don't know what way is up and what you can do next to try and please him.

It's not you, it's him. He can't be fixed.

It takes a lot of healing from, a relationship like this. I found that understanding my ex's behaviour helped me, and speaking to others who had experienced similar. Sometimes those who haven't experienced it can find it almost impossible to believe let alone empathise with. We're here for you @CarolH64

@CarolH64, when mine told me I needed therapy I took him at his word. I could see my behaviour wasn't normal. His friends told me I was pushing him away with my neediness.

It didn't take many sessions for me to see that his behaviour wasn't normal, and my distress was perfectly reasonable. You'd be surprised how often this happens!

There are a lot of self-serving, emotionally controlling men around, and they're very good at getting girlfriends who'll respond to their head-working by becoming insecure. They throw out intermittent rewards to keep the girlfriends on the hook.

I chose to continue therapy through my divorce and after, as I wanted to fix the vulnerabilities that had made me susceptible to this treatment. He'd first shown how he intended to treat me on our second date, I realised, and I hadn't gone "Fuck that, I'm off!"

It isn't strictly necessary to resolve the underlying issues: I'd been playing out different treatments of the same script all my life, and was determined to change. Pragmatically, you can also decide never to put up with that shit again and run like hell at the first sign of disrespect.

What you can't do is change the manipulator, because they do know what they're doing and it gets them what they want.

Whenever I’m upset even if I’m crying or feel physically sick from the fighting, there’s no apology, no comfort. He will just carry on his life regardless, ignore me or tell me to stop being pathetic and I’m the most dramatic woman he’s dated.
no emotional support at all or empathy

Who else has made you feel this way, as a child, or as an adult? Where can you identify the feeling, at different points in your life?

My dad was a hard man but I haven’t had this treatment with other men I’ve dated. My bf has dated a fair bit from what he tells me but says I’m the hardest most ‘abnormal’ person he’s dated. I asked why does he stay with me and he says I’ve got good points which probably outweigh my bad points

Why are you letting him treat you so badly?
Just tell him it's over.
He's horrible.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. You mention your dad was a hard man (that in itself is an issue), what about your mum?. Your boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by poor relationships and or life experiences, are being further eroded by this abusive man now.

This man stays with you because you do have some good points that are attractive to him. He actively enjoys the level of power and control he has over you and likes having you around to abuse and otherwise mistreat. He's also projecting his own self onto you; it is HE who is really the hardest and most abnormal person you've dated, not you. HE is a bottomless pit of anger and hate, these men really do hate women and ALL of them. It was a sad day for you when you and he crossed paths.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

You don't feel valued; even without the other horrible stuff, that's enough to end the relationship.

What are you getting out of this?

He says you're "the hardest most ‘abnormal’ person he’s dated" oh OP this is awful he's so horrible to you.

Dad is a perfectionist and workaholic. Us kids had to toe the line. No questions asked. He then became a religious zealot and my parents split up.
in my current relationship I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t. If I withdraw to give him space he’s fed up with me. If I’m loving and affectionate and giving he gets fed up. I don’t even know half the time what to do or say anymore
I honestly know I need to edit this asap

in my current relationship I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t. If I withdraw to give him space he’s fed up with me. If I’m loving and affectionate and giving he gets fed up. I don’t even know half the time what to do or say anymore

As I said earlier, you cannot do anything right. He doesn't want to be pleased, he wants to feel justified in criticising you/pretending to feel hurt/playing the victim.

You might as well grab the bull by the horns and stop prolonging your agony. You'll have enough to deal with getting over this arsehole, you might as well start getting on with the rest of your life sooner rather than later

He’s going away this weekend. I think it’ll be a good time to end it as I can go get my belongings that are at his place while he’s away and then have the dreaded conversation with him. It’ll be easier over the phone especially when I know I don’t need to go to his home again as I’ll have what belongs to me

Sounds like a plan.

Good idea OP. Don't try to explain yourself too much. Just keep saying that you're not happy and the relationship isn't working for you and you want to be single for a while. If you give details and examples he'll try to argue that black is white and you'll get confused. Good luck

That's good @CarolH64 , I hope it all goes according to plan and that he leaves you in peace afterwards.

Thank you all for the boost to do this and being encouraging and positive

Well done, OP.
That sounds like a good plan.

Make sure you block him on everything once you've told him it's over.

Good luck.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

If i had a pound for every time Atilla said this I'd be minted 😅

Anyway Op, stay strong, hope it goes well this weekend.

If it's not working OP, and it doesn't sound as though it is, better to walk away. If you're nervous about "having the conversation", just say you're taking a bit of time on your own to think through a few issues. Then block him for a couple of weeks. Then message him to say you've decided to move on from the relationship, it's not working for you, and you wish him all the best.
Then block again.

Standard abusive crap from him.

Everything else asside though op - it isn't z case of 'who is right?' or 'are my feelings justifiable?'.

It's a case of- being in this relationship makes you unhappy. It also makes you feel unhappy in yourself.

Time to go.

Great that he is going away at the weekend as you'll have time to read this:

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/239509.Women_Who_Love_Too_Much

Seriously, please do read it. It's a classic that has helped many women who stay in bad relationships because they don't value themselves enough.