Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm not IN love anymore

86 replies

35and3 · 12/11/2023 07:07

Please can someone tell me if this is normal? 12 years together, 3 kids.

Is it normal for the spark to go after so long? I love him as the father of my kids, I care deeply for him but I don't feel excited by him. He's typically attractive but rarely have intimacy (always been that way since day dot though, I have very low libido).

I'm sad I'll never get that excitement of a new relationship and all the firsts. I don't miss him during the day or if he's away for a weekend either.

It's gone. The spark has gone Sad I know the honeymoon period has long gone but is it normal to just feel flat / meh after a long relationship?

I'm 35, he's 43.

OP posts:
AnnaSewell · 12/11/2023 07:17

Yes and no. The middle part of a relationship can't be like the begining. But ideally companionship, the sense of knowing and trusting the other person is a compensation. I think it would be good to get the odd night out together and talk about non-domestic stuff as that might make you feel less bogged down routine.

DustyLee123 · 12/11/2023 07:34

When I was 12 years in with small kids I still adored and fancied my DH.

TheSilverThorn · 12/11/2023 08:05

I have been with DH for close to 27 years and I still miss him when he is away. Things have calmed down though and to be honest if I still was like I was in the first few years I don’t think I could cope with that much excitement on a daily basis.

I would say try and reconnect. My Mother was married 4 times plus this was in an age when divorce was uncommon, first divorce was 1956. She always got bored of them, every single time. She was actually engaged six times in total.

Original poster
35and3 · 12/11/2023 08:27

Yep @TheSilverThorn to be blunt I'd say I'm bored of him and I'm bored of our relationship. We're like siblings in the same house. Zero excitement. No butterflies. Run of the mill. I need to end it I know but the practicalities are terrifying. I'm just going to have to accept that this is my life.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 12/11/2023 08:31

You love him, care deeply for him and find him attractive. I would say those positives offer you a good chance of reconnecting, but only if you really want to. Perhaps explore why you feel as you do? You say you have always had a low libido, maybe look into that. If you are on the pill or taking anti depressants for example, these can this can seriously lower your libido. Does your husband seem OK with how things are, does he show he still loves and fancies you and are you happy together otherwise? Perhaps consider some counselling for yourself to explore these feelings or maybe couples counselling if he's open to it.

Original poster
35and3 · 12/11/2023 08:34

@Seaoftroubles I've always had a low libido - I'm amazed I've had kids! Never been on antidepressants and no hormonal contraception for around 9 years.

I love him like I do my brother Confused

OP posts:
museumum · 12/11/2023 08:38

I’m not sure how normal it would be to still have butterflies after 12 years. I’ve been with dh for 18 and I’d find it exhausting to get butterflies about seeing/not seeing him in the course of normal life. That doesn’t mean we’re not in love - it’s just a different love.

Peablockfeathers · 12/11/2023 08:39

You love him, care deeply for him and find him attractive. I would say those positives offer you a good chance of reconnecting, but only if you really want to.

I agree with this. If the other option is leaving then I don't think you have anything to lose by having a really honest conversation with him. I've been married to DH for a similar amount of time and felt the same around 7 or so years in. It was scary and if felt like this could be the beginning of the end with all of my cards on the table, but we decided together to give things another go and make an effort with eachother again. To promise time together, to go on childfree dates, to talk more- sounds cheesy and cringe but at the start and end of every day we would talk even just for a few minutes about us; not what we needed to do or about DS, but just what we loved about eachother and memories.

It did take some time to rebuild that part of our relationship but it did us the world of good. Of course this might not be the case and you might find the ship has sailed, but maybe consider giving it a go before throwing in the towel? Dating sounds stressful and hideous these days, obviously not saying stay together for the sake of it but be aware the grass is sometimes greener as its fertilised with crap!

Kwasi · 12/11/2023 08:44

35and3 · 12/11/2023 08:27

Yep @TheSilverThorn to be blunt I'd say I'm bored of him and I'm bored of our relationship. We're like siblings in the same house. Zero excitement. No butterflies. Run of the mill. I need to end it I know but the practicalities are terrifying. I'm just going to have to accept that this is my life.

I am the same. Have DC5 and I simply can't afford to leave. I know I am entitled to half of the equity in the house but I can't afford to move out until I get it. I also know that the living situation would be unbearable for the year or more this would take to sort out. So for now, I keep my mouth shut and save my money.

Onelifeonly · 12/11/2023 08:44

I'm not sure "butterflies" are to be expected but a contented love and enjoyment of his company should. Boredom is not a good sign but there again, relationships require work (if you want them to continue). There can be a lot of drudgery with young children. It's easy for it to feel like co- workers in a 24/7 job. Have you tried to make time for each other?

Mummymummy89 · 12/11/2023 08:44

DustyLee123 · 12/11/2023 07:34

When I was 12 years in with small kids I still adored and fancied my DH.

Me too.

Op what's the sex like? (Not asking for details obvs) nothing like good sex for bringing the spark back

category12 · 12/11/2023 08:52

So if you went off and had a new relationship, you realise the excitement and firsts of it would only last so long?

You can't keep chasing the initial buzz of new relationship energy. Well, I suppose you could but it'd be unfair on your children.

Not usually a proponent of sticking it out if you're unhappy, but the oh it's just not exciting any more seems a bit ... well, it's unlikely it would be a problem resolved by moving on to another relationship in the long run.

Maybe you should try relationship counselling with your husband and try to reconnect? Having children and the grind of domestic life is mundane and a bit dull at times.

Maybe it's not your relationship but life in general - worth seeing what else might make you happier in life, rather than focusing it being the man in your life? Maybe it's the you in your life?

Original poster
35and3 · 12/11/2023 08:55

@Mummymummy89 as per my op very very little sex but has been that way the whole marriage. I have low libido. He knows no different.

My youngest is 1 and my parents have him 2.5 days a week for us. They are the only people I could leave him with and I don't feel it's fair to then ask them to have the kids more. He's 20 months and I'm not ready to leave him overnight.

I'm an early bedder / riser, he's a night owl. The idea of having time together is genuinely logistically difficult. There's the older two to think of too of course.

I'm aware I sound like I'm making excuses.

OP posts:
Mummymummy89 · 12/11/2023 08:56

35and3 · 12/11/2023 08:55

@Mummymummy89 as per my op very very little sex but has been that way the whole marriage. I have low libido. He knows no different.

My youngest is 1 and my parents have him 2.5 days a week for us. They are the only people I could leave him with and I don't feel it's fair to then ask them to have the kids more. He's 20 months and I'm not ready to leave him overnight.

I'm an early bedder / riser, he's a night owl. The idea of having time together is genuinely logistically difficult. There's the older two to think of too of course.

I'm aware I sound like I'm making excuses.

I didn't mean how often. I meant is it good/fulfilling when it happens

AnnaMagnani · 12/11/2023 08:56

Surely putting some work in to create some romance is a better, easier, less traumatic and cheaper option than splitting up.

Yes with kids it's going to need a bit of planning, but date nights, putting time aside for shared interests, effectively getting to know each other, possibly relationship counselling would make a lot of difference.

Original poster
35and3 · 12/11/2023 08:57

@Mummymummy89 I could take it or leave it tbh. But it's once every 6 weeks at most. Sometimes every 12 weeks.

OP posts:
asleep · 12/11/2023 08:58

You were very young when you got together. Have you ever tried anything for your libido or is it simply that you don't want sex with him, but might with someone else?

Original poster
35and3 · 12/11/2023 08:58

@AnnaMagnani agreed completely but I just don't know if I want to. I feel it's gone on too long.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 12/11/2023 08:59

35and3 · 12/11/2023 08:55

@Mummymummy89 as per my op very very little sex but has been that way the whole marriage. I have low libido. He knows no different.

My youngest is 1 and my parents have him 2.5 days a week for us. They are the only people I could leave him with and I don't feel it's fair to then ask them to have the kids more. He's 20 months and I'm not ready to leave him overnight.

I'm an early bedder / riser, he's a night owl. The idea of having time together is genuinely logistically difficult. There's the older two to think of too of course.

I'm aware I sound like I'm making excuses.

It honestly does sound like a pile of excuses.

How are your childcare arrangements, that you refuse to compromise on, going to work when you are divorced?

How would you even meet someone else to give you 'butterflies'?

Original poster
35and3 · 12/11/2023 09:00

Date nights are rare. We had one in May then before that October then before that 2021! We just talk about the kids and work as ever

OP posts:
harerunner · 12/11/2023 09:03

35and3 · 12/11/2023 08:34

@Seaoftroubles I've always had a low libido - I'm amazed I've had kids! Never been on antidepressants and no hormonal contraception for around 9 years.

I love him like I do my brother Confused

I think it's the libido causing the lack of excitement. Without that desire to have sex, he will feel like a brother to you after 12 years!

If he is otherwise a good man who you get on well with, and the lack of libido is nothing to do with him (ie you don't fancy other men you meet out and about instead). then I'm not sure why you'd choose to end things, as I can't see how the "grass would be greener".

Onelifeonly · 12/11/2023 09:06

Dates as in going for meals usually turned into us discussing the kids and our family issues too, even though we vowed not to. It's better imo to DO something together- even seeing a film and discussing it afterwards gets you into a different mindset. You could even play a game at home when the kids are in bed. Though obviously a weekend away would be much better!

harerunner · 12/11/2023 09:06

How is your DH with very little sex? And how is the sex when you have jt? I'm presuming it's quick and simple, so a long night of passion!

Original poster
35and3 · 12/11/2023 09:07

@Onelifeonly over nights are a no-go as I'm not ready to leave my one year old.

OP posts:
Original poster
35and3 · 12/11/2023 09:08

@harerunner obviously he'd want more but I've been this way since we met so he knows no different with me.

OP posts: