I'm not IN love anymore

[35and3]

Please can someone tell me if this is normal? 12 years together, 3 kids.

Is it normal for the spark to go after so long? I love him as the father of my kids, I care deeply for him but I don't feel excited by him. He's typically attractive but rarely have intimacy (always been that way since day dot though, I have very low libido).

I'm sad I'll never get that excitement of a new relationship and all the firsts. I don't miss him during the day or if he's away for a weekend either.

It's gone. The spark has gone I know the honeymoon period has long gone but is it normal to just feel flat / meh after a long relationship?

I'm 35, he's 43.

I think you owe it to your kids to give this marriage your everything. I don't mean put up with the status quo. I mean try to do what you can to improve your life, what you bring to the marriage and your attitude towards your marriage.

@35and3 I am following your post as I am in the same situation with 2 young DCs & a similar age gap between DH & I.
The only difference being that I found out last year my DH had been getting 'close' to a 'friend' at work. At the time I agreed to try & make our relationship work, more so because the thought of splitting and sharing our children breaks my heart. However as time has passed and the hurt had dissipated I no longer have the want to try and although he is desperately trying to keep us together I am not in the same place.
Ask yourself whether you don't want to leave your 1 year old overnight because you don't actually want to spend time with your DH?
I havent split yet; I am torn between wanting to leave because I am no longer in love to staying for the children because I don't want to implode their life. Financially my life would be very different and although I am not in love with my DH anymore I do care for him very much and don't want to hurt him.
Also ask yourself if you will be happy to be on your own and co parent your children?
I think as mothers we feel like we carry so much of the mental load and forget about ourselves sometimes, particularly when things aren't so unbearable that you have no choice but to leave but ultimately you only have 1 life and it is very short.

So basically you settled for him?

if it’s not going to change then you should set him free.

Missed your update.

So this is about an ex. And “love of your life” romanticism. He was your first love. That’s not the same thing. It’s powerful and particularly romantic but our first loves are not the loves of our lives. What would be the point of that when most of us will live many more decades beyond our relationship with our first love? But you’re stuck because the relationship ended because of distance not some other incompatibility.

You’re 35. You have no idea who will turn out to be the love of your life. But it’s really unhelpful terminology anyway.

It seems like you rebounded and you chose to have children with the man you’re now with. Now you want a Prince Charming to rescue you.

You’re clearly a very capable woman. You are raising 3 children. You have a job. You clearly have loads to offer. And yet you don’t seem to have substance beyond work and children. You want a man to give you excitement and liven up your life. Where did you learn that was someone else’s job? That’s your job, OP. To supply the interest and excitement in your life. Not someone else’s. Depending on a man for that makes you very vulnerable to making bad choices and your choices are no longer just about you.

Unpopular opinion on here but yes, I think it's totally normal. If you've just started felling that way lately, I think you've actually lasted longer than most others.

Even more unpopular opinion but I don't think you can "get it back". If anything, trying to go on dates and be romantic when that feeling is gone, just brings what you don't have more in to focus.

I think the best thing to do is realise that being "in love" is a short term part of life, like having a new born baby. It's wonderful, but things move on.

So you are pining for an ex - but the reality is that he dumped you.

Even worse - you would like to meet someone new for excitement but don't like sports, don't like late nights, don't like a drink, have 3 kids in tow and are rigid about childcare.

Who exactly are you going to meet?

I think it's pretty normal to be honest.
In reality I think most marriages go from being all lovey-dovey/exciting to proper true love and companionship. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but I do think alot of people think it is 'wrong' which is why so many marriages break apart in their 40s and 50s and why there are so many blended families nowadays.
People get bored. They want the passion and excitement back.

Your DH dosent sound awful at all, and it sounds like he is very tolerant and patient to put up with you TBH. Not many men would tolerate very little sex. You should split up so he can be with someone better suited to him, and then you can have your boring lifestyle to yourself. You don't sound very fun, and probably wouldn't find any fun, romantic men who would be happy with your lifestyle preferences.

I'm really shocked you married your husband given your update. You should be ashamed of yourself.

@Whatispants unfortunately I agree- I get OP why you might feel like this- the thing is if you are unhappy then it's perfectly valid to split - however I wouldn't be splitting thinking someone else will make you happier- as someone said above- you don't exactly sound like a bundle of fun yourself and finding someone who will make you happier might not be that easy given your personal circumstances. I think you have to be prepared to split to be on your own

Agreed. Your DH deserves to be married to someone who loves him completely. Not just someone pining for an Ex. Why on earth did you marry and have children with him when you are clearly in love with someone else. Basically if you had moved abroad with your Ex you'd probably be married to him now

All I hear is me me me... when you have kids it isn't all about you anymore. To tear a family apart because you feel bored tells me you need to be more realistic in your expectations. Life isn't like the movies but it can be fulfilling when you think about others instead of putting your needs first. Harsh maybe but true

What are you bringing to the table in terms of igniting that spark? Have you gone to the doctor about low libido? Tried natural alternatives like zinc to boost your testosterone and sex drive?

Organised any date nights? You could literally ask your parents to watch the kids one evening per month to allow you two to go our for a meal/cinema/play whatever. No need to be out all night. Back by midnight. Or they could watch the kids once a month on a Saturday so you two can go out in the day.

There seems to be a serious lack of effort on your part and many excuses? What can you do to change the situation?

You're really not doing anything to help yourself. You've got a good man and you're willing to fritter it away for nothing.

You know you could find the most enigmatic, exciting, sexy man in the world and eventually you're still going to end up sat watching shit on the telly, living what feels like mundane existence at times because that's what life is. Life can be incredibly fucking boring and monotonous.

If you're not prepared to leave your 20month son now are you aware that leaving your marriage will mean being away from your children? You will have to facilitate shared care & overnights as part of divorce.

From the information you have posted I think YOU are bored but attributing that to your husband.

It's so easy to romanticise an ex! But it's suicide, you will end up destroying everything of value in your life (and your DC's lives) chasing a fantasy.

It sounds more like a mid life crisis to me. Flat, boring/bored, thinking about the past, not having much to look forward to etc. Totally normal at this point in life, and can be dealt with.

If your DH is a good man (doesn't beat you, drink, gamble away your money, lie, disrepect you etc) then it's worth saving. I don't think you would be any happier if you divorced him. The boredom would not go away, the boredom is coming from inside you not from outside/him.

If you leave your husband - you’ll be seeing less of your children as he will want them overnight.

he may meet someone that wants to make the effort to have a fulfilling relationship with him. Who communicates their fears, desires and unhappiness to him so they can work things out.

holidays, birthdays and special events will be split between you.

id look deep into the low libido thing - as you apparently haven’t ‘always been that way’ based on previous partner.

so have you never really fancied your current partner on some level and just went with him as he was a safe option. I’d look at individual or couples counselling to see if things could be saved before giving up on the whole relationship.

Wow quite the slap in the face to hear I'm boring. I don't think I am. There are plenty of people who don't drink and don't like late nights; I wouldn't call them boring.

I'm unbothered by low libido. I've been this way through all our relationship. If I'd suddenly changed then, yes, a trip to the GP perhaps but he knows no different. He doesn't mention it. This is how we've been for 12 years. I don't need it, he doesn't discuss it. It "ain't broken so doesn't need fixing.

If you really don't love him anymore, let him go. You both deserve to be with someone who loves you and wants to be with you.

Agreed @NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers we both deserve love and happiness

Yea, it’s totally normal. The only way to get that spark of excitement and heat is to never commit to anyone for long, and just have new man after new man.

We all miss it but whaddaya gonna do.

But you say all this and then say you want change and you're not happy etc. That's not his doing or his to request you both repair it. It's you and you don't seem to want to fix whatever it is that's bothering you.

@MRSMTO which is telling isn't it; no drive to want to change things. I think I've answered my own op and need to accept it's over.

I think you are woefully naive (or possibly arrogant) and clearly don't really see your husband as a living, breathing man with his own needs, thoughts, feelings. A kind of a husband bot 2000. You must think very highly of yourself to think HE wouldn't look elsewhere for someone who not just wants to have sex with him but with whom he could have fun, stay up late, go running, etc. You still haven't said anything here which indicates what you bring to the marriage party - it has to be SOMETHING more than just looking after his children, running the house together, working etc.

I think your one year old will suffer more from having his parents either divorce or live unhappily together for the next however many years than he will from being left with a babysitter for an evening.

If your kids are your priority, I'd put a bit of effort into trying to save your marriage.