I'm not IN love anymore

[35and3]

Please can someone tell me if this is normal? 12 years together, 3 kids.

Is it normal for the spark to go after so long? I love him as the father of my kids, I care deeply for him but I don't feel excited by him. He's typically attractive but rarely have intimacy (always been that way since day dot though, I have very low libido).

I'm sad I'll never get that excitement of a new relationship and all the firsts. I don't miss him during the day or if he's away for a weekend either.

It's gone. The spark has gone I know the honeymoon period has long gone but is it normal to just feel flat / meh after a long relationship?

I'm 35, he's 43.

Well you don’t ‘have’ to end it. Things like loss of excitement, run of the mill etc etc. can be fixed.

@theleafandnotthetree I do all the kid admin . ALL of it. They've all got chronic conditions and I manage ALL hospital appointments, prescriptions, medications etc. ALL. Believe me it's a job of its own.

I do 90% of cooking, cleaning on top of my own actual job. I take the older two to school.

We eat with the older two kids when the baby is asleep. The four of us then watch tv together before bed. Repeat.

I'm up at 5 with the baby every single day. No amount of asking to share baby care registers.

I have zero life in me after 8pm.

You included nothing of this in previous posts, sounds like there are imbalances in your contributions and that's another matter entirely obviously.

Another thread where we go from decent man to (when not going posters way) doesn’t do anything around the house, I do everything!

So how on earth will being a single mum help with any of this? You swap from not wanting to be away from your kids (what on earth do you think 50:50 contact looks like?) to I don’t get any time for meeeee (yes that’s having young children).

You sound woefully naive and very centred on your ‘needs’.

I suspect you’ll get the shock of your life trying to branch out on the dating scene with young children.

But each to their own.

personally I think you should invest in your marriage and family.

@35and3 I don't think it's that you are boring as such OP- I'm not bothered about sex either- never have been after first couple of years , what I'm trying to say is anyone new will probably want a bit more oomph in life - certainly at the beginning and that might not be easy given that you seem to want quite a structured staying in kind of life. As I said, by all means accept you aren't happy and split but don't think some amazing bloke will gallop in and want that lifestyle unless they are over 60 (and I know plenty of over 60s who wouldn't want it either - and I'm 61)

I would have a really good think if it's that it's actually 'him' you find boring and are bored with- or if it's your life in general and that's creating a general kind of dissatisfaction -

And yet you've had another baby despite not really fancying him 12 years ago - or thinking the sex was crap. What you seem to say is that you've got a low libido when it comes to him, but with the ex it was wow. Can you start fancying someone you never did?

It is telling and, please believe me when I tell you, I do understand how you feel because I have felt it myself at around your age and again recently. I'm 40 and I've sat there, on the settee bored in an evening, for months at a time pinning the blame on my marriage. After time, I realised it wasn't that but just a general boredom of life that comes and goes. Married love, I believe, ebbs and flows, bores and excites, ignites and goes out over and over again. Don't make your mind up now, unless you are 100% sure. Because that lovely husband of yours does deserve effort, so do your kids and also, so do you!

Wow quite the slap in the face to hear I'm boring. I don't think I am. There are plenty of people who don't drink and don't like late nights; I wouldn't call them boring

I think the reason for that is that we know more about your husband amd what sort of things he's interested in (eg sports and the occasional night out) than we do you and its your thread!

You might not share his interests but you don't appear to have any. That is going to make life boring!

I'm not teetotal but I only have 2 pints when I go out on a Saturday. I have hobbies that get me out of the house and interests that I pursue in the house. I'm in far more at night than I'm out but they're not all 'quiet nights in'. They're filled with conversation, laughter, music etc.

So it's not about drinking alcohol or having sex or any of those things but if all you have in your life is being dissatisfied in your relationship, not wanting sex, not drinking alcohol, not going out, what do you have/like/want/do? Because sitting in the house quietly and having early nights doesn't constitute a life...

You have to find the fun sometimes. Make your own.

This is quite the drip feed OP, that your children have chronic health conditions and that you do 90% of their health admin and also all the cooking, cleaning and early wake ups. Also that you had a good sex life with a previous partner, when presumably then your libido was very different.
No wonder you feel bored and restless if you're already carrying the load on your own, plus by your own admission that you settled for your current partner after losing a more exciting ex.
I would say take your time before you end your marriage, life won't be any easier with a young family and it can be very tough starting again. Perhaps begin by having an honest talk with your husband, tell him how you feel and ask for more help with the children and house for a start.

It's not surprising you're no longer in love with a lazy, disengaged and pathetic man really.

“This is quite the drip feed OP, that your children have chronic health conditions and that you do 90% of their health admin and also all the cooking, cleaning and early wake ups. Also that you had a good sex life with a previous partner, when presumably then your libido was very different.
No wonder you feel bored and restless if you're already carrying the load on your own, plus by your own admission that you settled for your current partner after losing a more exciting ex.
I would say take your time before you end your marriage, life won't be any easier with a young family and it can be very tough starting again. Perhaps begin by having an honest talk with your husband, tell him how you feel and ask for more help with the children and house for a start.”

@35and3 - this. That was a hell of a drip feed. It would have been better to give that picture at the outset. You’d have got different advice, I think. It sounds very tough. If he won’t step up, then no wonder you’re feeling unloving towards him.