I'm not IN love anymore

[35and3]

Please can someone tell me if this is normal? 12 years together, 3 kids.

Is it normal for the spark to go after so long? I love him as the father of my kids, I care deeply for him but I don't feel excited by him. He's typically attractive but rarely have intimacy (always been that way since day dot though, I have very low libido).

I'm sad I'll never get that excitement of a new relationship and all the firsts. I don't miss him during the day or if he's away for a weekend either.

It's gone. The spark has gone I know the honeymoon period has long gone but is it normal to just feel flat / meh after a long relationship?

I'm 35, he's 43.

Do something adult together - a film you wouldn't take the kids to and then talk about it in a restaurant, go to a show, even talk about a book one of you has read or a documentary.

It sounds as if neither of you has any interests outside of work and the kids and this is becoming increasingly dull for you.

@AnnaMagnani we don't have anyone to have the kids to do out. As below the only option we have is my parents but they already do loads so unfair to call on them for additional time. But yes we could watch films etc at home together

He needs to do sex better so you enjoy it more and want it more often.

Sometimes it is that simple

My question would be.
if you broke up and eventually he finds someone else and you see him with her and they looks so happy and they are in love…
… do you feel sad or jealous at that thought?
or fine with it and happy for him?

if sad and or/jealous maybe you like him more than you realise

OP l mean this kindly, but l feel it's you that you need to work on here. There are always ways to create small pockets of intimacy, even if just holding hands when you go out, a cuddle or touch in passing, watching a soppy film together, simple things!
You say you are bored but l think perhaps start by injecting a few new interests into your life too. Also, if you have always had a low libido and only want intimacy very infrequently l think the likelihood of meeting someone new who would be happy with that is practically zero.

It's very teenage isn't it? To assume you will fancy etc for the rest of your life? Surely you can't just quit a marriage cos the spark is gone? That's not the deal.

The grass is absolutely not greener, especially if you already admit that you can take or leave sex. Your options are to carry on as you are, leave and probably be alone or find a way to make an effort with your husband who you admit is a good guy. Those are hard to find, so I'd think hard about throwing one away because you're bored.

I agree with this. I think your life sounds quite dull generally, your relationship is one aspect of this. If it were me, I would take up something that injects some verve into your life. I started doing running and endurance events (Hell and Back type things) about 10 years ago and felt I really got my mojo back outside of the home/work/children loop. I only did it for a few years but it really expanded my horizons and my self perception- while never very unfit I had always been very unsporting and it made me realise there was lots I could do and be, it was me holding me back. Not my somewhat useless then husband. My marriage didn't last as it turns out but we had a lot more wrong with us than being a bit bored. I think either you on your own or maybe with your husband should challenge yourselves to something new, to break out of the rut. I remember us doing a hillwalking weekend which was good fun and a challenge. For you guys it might be a music festival or taking up salsa dancing. As for the childcare aspect, there are certainly ways around that. I am sure if your parents were aware of how things are and could support you just a little bit more for a short period of time, it would be preferable to the upheaval, trauma and likelihood of a lot of more support being needed if you broke up. Or throw money at the childcare problem, a lot cheaper than divorce let me tell you.

You're right in the very testing period of a relationship of having very young children. It is repetitive, restrictive and grinding. Kids are great, but they are tough on relationships. Heck it takes about two years after birth to get back to normal in your body, doesn't it?

I would try working on having time together as a couple where you can, trying to reconnect as people instead of as parents.

I wonder if it's worth sticking it out until your son is a bit older because a lot of couples feel like ships passing in the night and that all they talk about is the kids when they are young - especially with three of them!

I've only really skimmed the responses so I don't know of anyone has already said this but the thing that jumps put to me is this.

You say your libido is very low and has been from the start. Yet your husband seems content enough and isn't pestering you for more sex. I agree with the poster who said that without desiring dex, you're not going to feel the butterflies - it's fancying someone and desiring to have sex with someone that creates those butterflies and excitement.

You also say you miss the excitement of a new relationship and all the firsts.

My thoughts would be this.

If it's hard for you to find time to date your own husband or spend time with him because of the children and lack of childcare. How would that change if you split up? People talk about sharing care 50/50 but I've only met a couple of people who did this in reality. In most cases, mum has the kids 26 days/nights a month and dad has them for 4. So your opportunity for meeting someone else would be limited at the moment anyway. Especially if you're a bit of an early bird who isn't going to want to do stuff in the evenings anyway.

If you did meet someone else, they would likely not be content with sex every 6-12 weeks and so would either pester you for more or be seeking it elsewhere behind your back. Neither of which is particularly desirable! If your libido has always been low, is that related to attraction levels to your husband or is it just the way you're wired? Because if its how you've always been, it's unlikely to increase with someone else and you could end up chasing those firsts with someone new for evermore. There's nothing wrong with that. I have a friend who is nearly 60. She's very attractive and in really good shape and looks 10 years younger (genuinely!) She has no interest in a relationship because she becomes bored easily with them. She has short flings when she fancies it because she has no children and is entirely financially independent. She experiences those firsts often! But she isn't looking for anything more and it's not really a lifestyle that's easy to choose with 3 young children.

The reality of dating nowadays is that, if you're not able to go put do hobbies/spend times pursuing interests on your own etc where you might meet someone in real life, you're left with online dating. This is not the world of opportunity you imagine it to be before you've done it! Believe me!

At the moment, you think the grass will be greener. The best response to this I ever heard was that the grass is greenest where it is watered.

The responses you've had seem to be focused on refinding the spark with your husband and I think that is very wise. You love your husband. You're just a bit flat about the whole thing at the moment. You're not repulsed by him. You're not upset by his behaviours. You don't talk about having low self esteem or being criticised by him. That would likely all change if you pursued excitement and firsts by dating elsewhere. A lot of men really aren't very nice...

Do you have hobbies? Interests outside the home? Interests you shared together before the children came along? Can you take these up again? Find something you can do together? Something else you could talk about instead of the children and work?

“OP l mean this kindly, but l feel it's you that you need to work on here. There are always ways to create small pockets of intimacy, even if just holding hands when you go out, a cuddle or touch in passing, watching a soppy film together, simple things!
You say you are bored but l think perhaps start by injecting a few new interests into your life too. Also, if you have always had a low libido and only want intimacy very infrequently l think the likelihood of meeting someone new who would be happy with that is practically zero.”

This. And, as always, lots of excellent advice from @category12. You seem to assume the problem is with your DH and that something different would be happening with a different partner but what you describe would likely be happening whoever your partner was.

The honeymoon-type excitement of the early years quite naturally passes. In a good relationship, it is replaced by something less fizzy but deeper, more secure and more sustainable. In its own way, it’s thrilling but much quieter. Look for the romance in the mundane. I think it’s romantic that DH and I, after 20+ years together, can still find things to talk about and still be interested in what the other has to say. We can still make each other laugh. We’ve had some dull patches. We worked through them. You will actually start to feel more interested if you show more interest.

You decided to have 3 children with your DH so your decisions are no longer just about you. I know a number of very successful families with divorced parents so I’m not saying you should stay at all costs but you need to think hard before ending what you have.

On your own account, you’d be ending your relationship to chase moonlight and roses with someone else. But there’s no guarantee you will meet someone who gives you that permanently - in fact, they almost certainly won’t. If you meet someone, there’s no guarantee they’ll stick around. No guarantee they’ll tick the other important boxes.

There are no guarantees. Yes, you might meet the perfect replacement but you might well find yourself in a string of transient relationships. So you need to decide whether you’d be happy with that outcome. Whether your relationship with your DH is sufficiently over to make being single preferable to being with him. You’re still young and that might be the case. But you need to be clear that’s what you could be signing up to.

Normal and the spark might come back. Relationships go through ups and downs and there is nothing like kids, cleaning and work to squash the romance. You might find yourself liking him more when the pressure is off a little

Oh this me. I long for some excitement & real love. I thought I was doing the right thing but now just feel sad & bored with life.

It is, but there are always some posters who say they still fancy their DH of 20 years with as much all-consuming passion, and are as truly, madly, deeply in love, as they were at the start.

That can make the majority who don't feel this like failures, but I think some people are wired for constant intensity... most people aren't, and actually are more content with a more relaxed and settled relationship. Being madly in love is exhausting!

If you can imagine him finding love with someone else, having sex with them, living with them, marriage with them and it doesn’t hurt then it’s run its course. If any of that makes you feel sad/jealous/upset thenI think it’s worth trying to get things back on track before ending it.

We don't have shared interests. We are a classic case of "opposites attract". He's a night owl, likes every sport under the sun. I'm an early bedder/riser hates sports. He likes a social drink, I'm t-total. He likes the odd night out, I like quiet nights in. And yet in the early days this worked. Now I'm bored in our relationship. I work four days a week but my job isn't 9-5, there's always extra work to do out of hours.

@Dustpantsandbush I'm not saddened by that idea which speaks volumes.

Honestly, 'I'm not ready to leave my one year old' is fine, but your marriage, your whole life and the future of your family is potentially as stake here. You don't sound as if you are willing to make any compromises or try at all ?

No I'm not prepared to leave my one year old and especially not overnight. He comes before any date night!

I recommend reading Gottman ‘the seven principles of making marriage work’. He also has other books including date books. Many If which you can do at home.

You say your one year old comes first. On that basis you should do your best to make your marriage a happy one, this may include date nights out for you and your partner. If your partner is unhappy you have no control over him leaving. So I think date nights once in a while are AS important as being with your child 99% of nights. Connection is really important for your family. You like your partner so try and reconnect.

“I'm an early bedder/riser hates sports. He likes a social drink, I'm t-total. He likes the odd night out, I like quiet nights in.”

With this update, it seems even less likely you’ll find someone to rock your world who ticks every other important box. Because, tbh, it’s hard to see how you would rock anyone else’s world, especially since you say you’re not bothered about sex.

Aren’t most nights quiet nights in? Why would you resist the odd night out together? You’ve stated you don’t like sport and you don’t like going out (ever, apparently). What do you like? Cinema, theatre? Pottery classes? Long walks in the countryside?

Honestly, except for the tea-total bit, your chosen lifestyle does sound boring, OP. His sounds more interesting. What do you enjoy doing? You say it’s always been like this so it’s you rather than because you have young children. If you’re bored, it’s because you are living in a very boring way. It’s almost like you don’t exist. What interests you? What do you feel passionate about?

Have you had a longer relationship with anyone else? Do you think you're only going to feel sexual at the start of a new relationship? Don't you think that if you have a very low libido then you will feel just like this with any other man? It's sex that differentiates a relationship from friendship.

Have you spoken to your DH about this?
I've also been with my DH for 12 years and we have a dd8 together. My libido has never been sky high but in the last few months it took a real crash.
It went on for a while, I didn't speak to DH about it and neither did he. We just plodded on together not having sex and not discussing it, I felt the same as you like the spark had gone and we were just parents.
A couple of weeks ago I sat down with DH and we had a real conversation about it, turns out we both thought the other one was no longer interested in the other which most definitely isn't the case.
We've agreed to make a real effort with our relationship and I've spoken to the GP about my libido.
Our relationship is now better than ever, we laugh together, we're closer than we've ever been and we've even started having sex again.
In my case I realised I couldn't bear the thought of him being with anyone else and I still adore him.
My advice is to speak to him without the kids around and have a real conversation about your relationship.

I was with my ex for four years beforehand and it ended as he moved abroad for work. We tried to make it long distance but it didn't work. He was the love of my life and sex was amazing. Dh now has never matched up to my ex (of course he does not know this) sexually or emotionally. I know therefore I can enjoy sex with the right person but I don't with my husband. He is a safe option - good dad, reasonably helpful round the house, provides etc. just don't have a proper bond anymore.

And actually, if your 1yo comes before everything, then you should be working on your relationship with your DH before you decide it’s over, instead of hiding behind him as an excuse not to go out (because, as you’ve said, in truth it suits you not to go out). Sure, your children will be fine if you split and co-parent sensibly and amicably with your DH. But it’s great if they have a well-functioning, loving parent couple relationship as their model. So you’d be doing this for them.

Perhaps you settled down too young and that is what this is really about. But you’ve chosen to have 3 children with this man. And it does feel like you’re looking for a Prince Charming to gallop in and whisk you off rather than taking responsibility for creating interest and excitement in your own life.