Dd has accused me of being a stately homes parent

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Youngest dd is 16. She's had some problems, diagnosed with autism aged 11 but refused to accept it. However she had a very good start at secondary school until the wheels came off in Year 10. Since then she struggled with attendance. I tried to support her as much as I could but she refused therapy or help of any kind. In spite of that, she sat her GCSEs this summer and did reasonably well considering her absence. Unfortunately it was not quite enough for her school sixth form and they denied her a place (we have an appeal pending).

Since then we discussed other options and she was enrolled at a local private school in September. After one day, she said she hated it and refused to return. Since then I have run myself ragged, doing research into other options, phoning/emailing schools, going to open days, talking to professionals for advice.

Lately she's been telling me she is in pain and this is my fault. This week she sent me a Tik-Tok video about a 'growing up in a toxic yet loving household'. I don't completely understand this but from reading some of the stately homes threads on here, I think she means I expect her to be grateful for all the thing I do for her yet refuse to accept the bad stuff. But I'm struggling to understand what bad stuff she means. I think I'm a good, caring parent but I do not think I do no wrong and accept my mistakes like any other parent. I try and listen to her (as I do with my two older dds) and always apologise if I get something wrong.

Sometimes I feel a bit abused by her. It is apparently ok for her to shout at me, call me names etc but if I sound even a bit snappy or walk away when she's yelling or cross- questioning me, I never hear the end of it.

What the hell do I do?

@Phineyj
She is doing IB with Maths at standard level. Not a wise decision I think but I could not do anything about it.
My biggest regret is not being able to convince her to switch schools and do 3 A levels which were business studies, politics and Geography.

I read a book 'Families and how to survive them' when I was about 15 and became convinced my family was the cause of all my problems. True there were issues. But I was also struggling to fit in while being recognised as an individua and looking for the path of least resistance. It is really hard as you have a fixed idea of what you are meant to do and if you do not fit that you feel like a failure. The hindsight and benefit of experience is that you realise you are a unique individual and happiness lies is not comparing your life. If you can face them your challenges are your greatest asset. How do you eat an elephant, one step at a time.

Re the emotional abuse...I'd just treat it as teenage hormonal behaviour plus autistic meltdowns and be really strict about what is and isn't acceptable plus focus on strategies for emotional regulation. You only allow it because you feel guilty and you are doing her a disservice to not pull her up or try and help with the emotional rollercoaster. Recognising she has big emotions and struggles with them would help diffuse some of it.

I am having a bad week with my DD21. She gets unbelievably stressed about events like Christmas coming up and she is lashing out at me like crazy. I don’t fight back with her I end up retreating but this makes it worse. She has spent a stupid amount of money on her boyfriends present and now is panicking about how to afford other gifts.

She’s blocked me every day this week on her phone whenever she has got mad at me and then suddenly sends me a rude message or will be rude to me in the house and unblock me but she will not apologise for the things she has said or done so I have not been able to help her with any of the things she has been trying to get me to do.

she gets very stressed if I fold her washing up as she panics i will lose something that belongs to her, but her and her sister keep leaving their washing in my room (as it’s the largest room the airer is in there ). So I folded it for both of them and said ‘come and check it that it’s all yours and take it to your room’. She got all nasty that I had asked her to move it and flicked me in the eye with a towel.

She went out last night and told me there would be food so I didn’t cook for her. She was then annoyed I hadn’t made her food. I couldn’t find my phone charger and she refused to lend me hers for an hour so I drove to a shop to get a new one and then she started making nasty comments to me about how I NEVER help her so WHY would SHE help ME? Then she told me her car was not working and it was all my fault for telling her to buy a terrible car.

I am grey rocking her (not stonewalling, it’s different) but this is driving her mad and if I am near her vicinity she will start accusing me of giving her dirty looks. I am just existing… barely!

I did crack and tell her that I wasn’t a mechanic and she should take her car to a garage instead of spending £300 on her boyfriend.

Sounds like the right approach @FredintheShed
I have been reading a bit about ''splitting'' it's a defence mechanism employed by teens (and others) who are struggling with conflicting feelings and / or sorting out conflicting emotions involved in transitioning from dependent to independent. I need to read up/google/youtube more now to see WHAT TO DO. But I'm as sure as I can be that this is what's happened in my son's case. We were so affectionate to each other until he was about 13. Then he drew away from me and became more and more silent until the lack of communication was replaced by antipathy and disrespect. there was never a specific issue that he raised with me though. Nothing that he even expressed through anger. Just ''you're a bitch'' et ceter. No elaboration. anyway, may the force be with us. Off to google what to do.

@ChannelNo19EDT all I have found is that I have to hold steady. If I react I will prolong this episode. So I am just silently seething and setting boundaries. No DD I cannot help you at the moment. I can help you if you are calm/nice/polite/apologise to me.

To her this feels like some kind of emotional blackmail and very transactional - but that is how society works. They don’t really seem to understand the concept of unconditional love but also having boundaries. To DD I am not fulfilling the role I have in her life - MumGoogleMechanicKnowAllDoAllSmilingPolitelyLadyWhoBirthedMeAndIsMeantToDoItAll

I am also not allowed to touch DD anymore. She was also around 13 when it started and was sleeping in my bed every night and I had to wash her hair for her - now she will visibly cringe and react if I brush past her by accident.

It's the quickest way to make them realise that you're not their service dog.

It's like that separation phase that is supposed to happen in the toddler years where they realise where they finish and you start; it's not yet complete?.

They are enmeshed with their snapshot of you. My 17 year old was like this, if he was cold, hunger, inconvenienced in any way, he felt rage towards me.

Anywhere, two hours of googling has me reassured really. I haven't responded to any of his insults with more insult but I did ask him why I was a bitch. In fact, I thumbed up one text telling me I was a bitch and responded ''but not a doormat''. I feel it's important he knows that. I said I hoped one day he'd see the value in having a mother. I will leave it a while before I try again. I stopped paying for his online chess though.

''MumGoogleMechanicKnowAllDoAllSmilingPolitelyLadyWhoBirthedMeAndIsMeantToDoItAll''

This is funny. Oh my God. Get that on a tiny silver necklace with your children's initials

@ChannelNo19EDT the separation thing is really what this about. They also can’t see you as your own person properly yet. I’ve had an apology from DD. It just said ‘very sorry for being rude ok. Can you write me a list of what to get everyone for Christmas’. I can see straight through her that Christmas is the latest stressor. I can’t make it go away though 😂

It’s not specific though.

they are expressing their generalised distress as anger at you.

grey rocking is exactly the right approach. Don’t accept it but don’t react to it either.

clear and calm boundaries.

• no, I did not accept being hit by you so I will go next door / out until that stops happening

raging words / I hate you / you’re a bitch

• I’d treat like toddler tantrums (worth reading the aha parenting guide on tantrums. Although written about younger kids I think it applies here. They are overwhelmed by their big negative emotions and that’s really scary for them)
• so I listen calmly and say very little back
• if responding I say something like ‘I see / hear you’re really angry / upset right now’

if they are making a specific request ‘help me bitch’

• I’d say, I see you’re really angry and want help. I don’t like being called that. What can we do to release your anger? When you’re feeling calmer we can figure out an answer.

rinse and repeat.

key points are

if this is new from you - things will
get worse before they get better. If you have previously reacted differently they will try to draw that previous reaction from you.

maybe worth acknowledging that eg

• I know I used to accept you hitting me. But actually I’ve understood that’s bad for both of us. I am the parent and I am drawing a line. It’s fine to be angry, it’s not ok to hurt me or anyone. Let’s find another safe way to express your anger.

i am happy to accept them saying ANYTHING

it is a safe way to express their feelings. And our kids do need to be able to express their disappointment and anger with us and have that be ok.

the key thing is, though DO NOT TAKE WHAT THEY SAY PERSONALLY

people vary in this. I find that easy. I know my kids love me really and the angry feeling that makes them say they hate me or I’m the worst mum ever or a bitch is fleeting.

if you find that hard - talk about it in your own therapy. Your kids are not there to validate you and your parenting.

the person I know that struggles the most with this is insecure and wants validation from her kids. So it crushes her when her ASD daughter screams that she hates her.

don’t give it power. Let it roll off you.

Brilliant post @Fernsfernsferns thank you.

I’m going to share it with my oldest dd (22) who my 16 year old currently hates. She calls her oldest sister a bitch and often refers to her as an ‘it’ which dd1 finds incredibly hurtful.

Why doesn't your husband step in after all she will be 18 in 2 years time. When ever my partner steps in they sort themselves out quickly he comes across as more authoritative.

She could be a daddies girl and wants to off load like most teen girls on to their poor unfortunate mothers.

Hello all, thank you again for your wise words, I am reading them all.

Update on the appeal for DD’s old school - it was unsuccessful not surprisingly and probably for the best. We didn’t tell dd about the appeal, we didn’t want her to get her hopes up. But at least we have closure and we know we did Eve thing we could.

In the meantime, dd seems a bit happier and calmer and I’m trying to listen to her more (we communicate mostly by WhatsApp). She has said quite a few times recently that she’s sick of being at home and wants to be at school which sounds positive. The options for this year are limited but we do have a number of good options. But when we presented these to dd, she said they were ‘weird’. I don’t know what she means by that or how we move forward now 🤷‍♀️

But at least she’s now sending me Tik Tok videos of recipes and cute cats so we’re having some positive interaction.

@bendmeoverbackwards
Shame about the appeal but sometimes we need all doors to be fully closed to open new ones.
Glad that DD is feeling calmer and happier..