Dd has accused me of being a stately homes parent

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Youngest dd is 16. She's had some problems, diagnosed with autism aged 11 but refused to accept it. However she had a very good start at secondary school until the wheels came off in Year 10. Since then she struggled with attendance. I tried to support her as much as I could but she refused therapy or help of any kind. In spite of that, she sat her GCSEs this summer and did reasonably well considering her absence. Unfortunately it was not quite enough for her school sixth form and they denied her a place (we have an appeal pending).

Since then we discussed other options and she was enrolled at a local private school in September. After one day, she said she hated it and refused to return. Since then I have run myself ragged, doing research into other options, phoning/emailing schools, going to open days, talking to professionals for advice.

Lately she's been telling me she is in pain and this is my fault. This week she sent me a Tik-Tok video about a 'growing up in a toxic yet loving household'. I don't completely understand this but from reading some of the stately homes threads on here, I think she means I expect her to be grateful for all the thing I do for her yet refuse to accept the bad stuff. But I'm struggling to understand what bad stuff she means. I think I'm a good, caring parent but I do not think I do no wrong and accept my mistakes like any other parent. I try and listen to her (as I do with my two older dds) and always apologise if I get something wrong.

Sometimes I feel a bit abused by her. It is apparently ok for her to shout at me, call me names etc but if I sound even a bit snappy or walk away when she's yelling or cross- questioning me, I never hear the end of it.

What the hell do I do?

@CormorantStrikesBack I'm sorry you are also struggling. You sound like a caring, thoughtful parent. With the sympathy thing, that's all well and good and of course we need sympathy and understanding at difficult times, but it's also our job as parents to help them pick themselves up after a setback and try again. Sometimes whatever we do is wrong!

I’d let her know you’re leaving her to it now.

she’s autistic , you saw that right !?

a lot of comments here I think don’t really grasp autism
which is fair enough as I didn’t , until I did …

@Fernsfernsferns fantastic post, thank you so much. Is that the Ross Greene book? I have a copy at home in my arsenal of parenting books but have only dipped in and out so far.

I do see a counsellor myself and it helps. Her poor treatment of me is so engrained, it's hard to make changes and set boundaries. But I am doing it bit by bit and it feels liberating. But then sometimes she starts on at me about something and I start to question myself, perhaps I have done something wrong.....

@DarkChocHolic I'm sorry to hear about your dd, do you think she would be amenable to re-starting next year? I do actually think this is the best option for my dd, I have been going to all the school sixth form open evenings these past few weeks (without her knowledge) and will put applications in for anywhere vaguely suitable. Dd said there is 'no way' she can re-start next year but going back now would be extremely stressful for her to catch up with 8 weeks of missed work.

Hi @BenchOfCompany <waves back> thank you for your post. Yes I think she does compare herself to her sisters (although oldest dd didn't have a conventional path either, she started doing a triple BTEC AND 3 A levels, way too much, had a bit of a crisis in Year 13 so dropped down to the BTEC and one A level, that was enough for a place at Birmingham university but decided to study dance instead).

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I did think it might be burnout. But dh and I saw the psychologist who diagnosed her (whom dd has not seen since!) a few weeks ago and she said it didn't sound like burnout, more PDA difficulties.

Interestingly, dd sent me a message last week to say 'I'm sick of doing nothing' which sounds encouraging. In the last 2 months, she's been to one party, out with friends twice and did one babysitting job, all of which I am pleased about. But I do think she is fed up at home.

This evening she had a huge meltdown over the heating. She really struggles with the house being warm so we are careful with the heating. She claims it's far worse for her if she's hot, she feels ill, wheres we can put on warmer clothing if we're cold. I put the heating on this morning and then turned down the thermostat before she came down. She went mad when she noticed the radiators hadn't cooled down yet. There was door slamming and she lashed out at me. I left the house and went for a drive (she hates me doing that but I am not going to stand being hit and shouted at).

Then a few hours later she sent me a message to say she needs new conditioner. I told her I don't do favours for people who hit me and she can get it herself.

What does your daughter want to do with her life it's all fair and well pushing her into a seat of learning. What out come do you hope to achieve that will make her happy and she will earn money at the end of it. Making her do courses she doesn't like will not help. Sit down with your daughter and talk to her and talk about courses and look into apprenticeships she could do engineering or beauty.

@SkySecret I completely agree. She should be taking advantage of the many alternatives to A levels. Even last year when she was still at school (50% of the time) I did wonder if she wasn't suited to A Levels. Not because she isn't bright, because she is, but she's had problems, poor school attendance, gaps in her learning and A levels are tough. Why put yourself through that? I have no idea if she wants to go to university and I don't think she knows yet.

Well done

Would your daughter do this out on street or when she was at school hit other girls. She wouldn't would she because she knows they will hit her back. You can not fear living in your home you might have to push her out and put her somewhere.

@Carpediemmakeitcount I'm not pushing her into anything, SHE is driving the desire to to A levels. I would be very happy if she found a course she enjoyed doing but she is education snob and thinks it MUST be A levels.

Sorry misread. She can't she didn't want to do the retakes to better her grades and she didn't want to go to the school that would accept her grades. What can you do. A levels are competitive my daughter had to go to another school to get her a levels done because she didn't have a grade 6 in maths. She got fantastic grades in the end. One of her subjects was biology she got a B for that and the other school was saying they can't have her without a good grade in maths because she will fail????

Sometimes the shit school is the best school.

Is she more ‘autistic’ than normal?
Is she sleeping a lot? Is she tired?
Hows her mood.

School avoidance is usually burnout. Demands can be difficult in burnout. I thought PDA was more couldnt ear or go to bed even if they wanted to as it made them too anxious.

@bendmeoverbackwards
I can resonate with you thinking your DD must be fed up at home.
That's the only thing that keeps DD at school despite how miserable she is.
Her friends - even though she had to make new ones at 6th form and she isn't a social butterfly by any chance.
I have thought many times about a back up plan if she quits....the lack of social life will isolate my dd even more.

To answer your question I don't think she will be amenable to restart next year.
Where ever she goes, she won't be able to do A level Maths as she got a Grade 6.
I am fine with it as I keep reading how hard A level Maths is. Somehow, she hasn't come to terms with it yet.
Like your DD, she just doesn't want to explore non A level options. To be honest, we didn't either before GCSE as I trusted the predicted grade a bit too much. Also, we don't seem to have the nice Btech or T levels around us. College seems more vocational which doesn't seem to grab her.

Oh I know this so well. God help you if you end the message with a full stop instead of a kiss.
All I can say (as the mother of a similar sounding DD) is not to be afraid of her getting off the rat race for a bit.
ASD is a disability, and often exhausting to live with, our DD took 2 years out after uni, tried a few things but really struggled with the routines of daily life. We had all sorts of people telling us she needed a kick up the arse, she didn't, she needed time to find herself and "come down" after uni. She's 25 and on £50k now, she found her niche in her own time.

Stop dancing to her tune. She doesn’t own you! You don’t have to answer every message and you shouldn’t, it’s a bit intense and unhealthy for her. A couple of messages a day but not constant. Don’t put up with her calling you names or just slinging stuff at you. Stick up for yourself.

You can continue to be caring and a parent, you can continue to be loving. But draw a line in the sand with her about her manner with you.

Absolutely. I do think dd has undiagnosed autism which doesn’t help. So much stuff looking at her which I just didn’t realise were signs So now I do try and make allowances but am also conscious that at times she needs telling that her behaviour is unacceptable

This. You sound amazing. Some of the advice on here is excellent. My sister has an adopted boy who refused to go to school (he has a few emotional problems and deafness and struggled). My sister spent Years of stress trying to get him to attend. Year 11 he’s dropped out. The school have provided a tutor who comes to the house - he is thriving. Is there any chance of this from your Education authority? Also. From today. Stop replying to every text and set some new boundaries for yourself. You’ve tried. You’re not a slave. Let her sort some thing out for herself x

I really don't know an awful lot about autism and the intricacies of behaviours, but do you think you're confusing your DDs behaviour with the autism diagnosis? Could it just be that she's a bit of a madam and needs some pretty harsh boundaries and consequences for her actions?

@DarkChocHolic might Core Maths be an option? Or if you happen to have an IB 6th form around you, they have three Maths options.

I'm reading everything you've written and can see how hard you've tried. Still taking her ASD into account, I couldn't let this rest / go, I'd have to push back.

Ask her to send you a text, so it's written down, all the things she wishes you had done / hadn't done. And that your'll then review it. And you can then both talk about it at a later date.

My middle brother said something about our childhood. My mum, eldest brother and I pushed back, we couldn't let such nonsense stand.

And the shouting and the names? No, just no. You need to reinstall some boundaries and tell her you won't be spoken to in that way.

Sounds like my son, I tried to lessen the pressure on him by saying if you don't get enough points to do yr chosen course you could do a fetal level 6 and apply through their progression schemes get a degree that way. He looked at me like I'd offended him inferring all he was capable of was fruit picking. But despite wanting to do courses with points requirements between 500 and 530 (we are in ireland) he isn't going to get those kinds of results. He is the academic snob. I'm just waiting to see how this plays out.

@bendmeoverbackwards re your post 22.49 ystrdy I agree with yr decision to let her get her own conditioner.
I think kids like this can fall in to the habit of treating us like their support dogs.
When our dc are small their emotions are so intense so extreme and so terrifying that we turn off the heat, buy more food, never play music buy their favourite teabags even though the whole rest of the family prefers another brand x 100.
And we end up with them enmeshed with their support dog. We always knew they were hard to please, we always knew we were walking on eggshells around landmines, but they don't get it. They feel rage that their needs aren't instantly met.
With my son, a few times I was brave enough to shrug, he became really terrifying.

I see threads from families with toddlers with autism and tbh I can guess how it's going to play out. They'll end up with a teen who cannot cope with everybody around them not instantly accommodating their needs, even at their own expense.
So let her get her own conditioner. It will remind her where you start and she ends ykwim.
Be brave enough to "disappoint" her. She will rage at you but it's a vital stage in individuation and independence.
I'm no expert mind you. My son who isn't under my roof atm thinks I'm a bitch 😒

I’ve posted about this before. When I consulted with an OT we created a sensory profile for ds that I later expanded on, and it was an eye opener for me how difficult day to day experiences are for him.

Yesterday he was being awful, snapping at everyone and being stroppy. He was also dealing with the after effects of showering - his skin feels wrong and his sinuses were hurting. It’s not about making excuses, but it helps to have an understanding of why his resilience was so low.

I’ve spent years trying to manage with discipline and boundaries but I’m having a lot more success since I’ve been able to empathise and connect. For instance school refusal has dropped dramatically - it’s now occasional hours. We might have a slower morning, or if he’s exhausted in school he’ll ask to come home early. Trusting that I will listen and take him seriously has lowered the intensity.

He’s also become much better at articulating his sensory stressors and at identifying the things that help him regulate. Maybe this would have happened anyway.

A really helpful strategy is to boost calming, regulating activities before a high demand situation and after. I’ve started doing it for myself too, and generally being less judgemental with myself about the things I find draining and difficult.

Has your dd been able to articulate any of the things that might have helped her manage better in school?

I’ve no doubt ds finds my parenting problematic too, but I can only do my best with what I have at my disposal. He hasn’t really discovered TikTok yet.

This is anecdata, but my DP and I are both autistic (it sounds like to a similar extent to your child). We present differently and have had very different upbringings. He was brought up with parents who occasionally got frustrated with him, but he’s really good at looking after himself, protects his own needs and occasionally even borders on selfish for self-protection reasons. Despite their differences of opinion in his teenage years he now has an amazing relationship with his family. I was brought up in an abusive family and was taught to put myself last at all times so I’m actually unable to identify what I need or want. I have a very bad relationship with most of my family and would need two hands to count the number of times I’ve seriously broken down and burned out, and all hands and feet to count my suicide attempts. My takeaway for you from these case studies would be, it might be difficult right now but it sounds like you’re doing the right thing. Parenting is difficult when autism is involved.