Dd has accused me of being a stately homes parent

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Youngest dd is 16. She's had some problems, diagnosed with autism aged 11 but refused to accept it. However she had a very good start at secondary school until the wheels came off in Year 10. Since then she struggled with attendance. I tried to support her as much as I could but she refused therapy or help of any kind. In spite of that, she sat her GCSEs this summer and did reasonably well considering her absence. Unfortunately it was not quite enough for her school sixth form and they denied her a place (we have an appeal pending).

Since then we discussed other options and she was enrolled at a local private school in September. After one day, she said she hated it and refused to return. Since then I have run myself ragged, doing research into other options, phoning/emailing schools, going to open days, talking to professionals for advice.

Lately she's been telling me she is in pain and this is my fault. This week she sent me a Tik-Tok video about a 'growing up in a toxic yet loving household'. I don't completely understand this but from reading some of the stately homes threads on here, I think she means I expect her to be grateful for all the thing I do for her yet refuse to accept the bad stuff. But I'm struggling to understand what bad stuff she means. I think I'm a good, caring parent but I do not think I do no wrong and accept my mistakes like any other parent. I try and listen to her (as I do with my two older dds) and always apologise if I get something wrong.

Sometimes I feel a bit abused by her. It is apparently ok for her to shout at me, call me names etc but if I sound even a bit snappy or walk away when she's yelling or cross- questioning me, I never hear the end of it.

What the hell do I do?

Hang on. She’s ASD. Mine often accuses us of shouting when we’re not. It’s her sensory processing disorder.

Some excellent advice here so just placemarking for the future.

This is a weird one as DD will accuse me of using a tone of voice I am sure I haven’t used and it can feel like gaslighting but this is usually as she finds it hard to separate the TONE from the CONTENT. So if I am saying something she doesn’t like she will express this feels like shouting. It’s usually just nagging, she finds it hard to differentiate

To my massive shame I once shouted at DD "This is what shouting is" as I was so frustrated. She genuinely can't tell the difference between tone of voice becoming irritated/emotional and raised voice.

Nor does she understand why other people are irritated 95% of the time.

She's younger than OP's daughter. I've watched hundreds of hours of Tracy Beaker/The Dumping Hround with her and tried to use them as emotional tutorials!

Dumping Ground

@Phineyj my DD loved that TV show but used it against me saying she would probably be happier in a children’s home than with me 😂. I’ve also lost my rag we all have I imagine.

What are your thoughts about therapy, either online with something like BetterHelp or face to face with someone local? Both of my (now adult) children benefitted from this at that kind of stage.

My daughter has ADHD - I think you need to dig out why she did not like her first day of school and speak to the school. Maybe she could go back in slowly ie a few hours a day. I don't think its OK she has just canned school after one day.

That is difficult.
With the pain thing, don’t dismiss it. Lots of ND people are hyper mobile/have hyper mobility syndrome. My mother dismissed my pain as growing pain and only when I got a job l/independence and could afford to send myself to a private doctor did I get a diagnosis. That affected our relationship for a long time that I had been asking for help with pain and then I just stopped telling people as there was no point and they assumed I was fine. But I was just counting the days til I could leave and be independent and get help.

My dd has mild sn and is awaiting an assessment for ASD. She believes everything she sees on tik tok, so I feel your pain op. Just keep loving and supporting her, but most of all have confidence in yourself, you are a good mum, you are doing your best for her, you can do no more than that.

To add what someone else suggested hypnotherapy they are not put to sleep. She talks about her feelings first and then the therapist boxes it away. My daughter's went to one and it did help. That age is a tender age but you do need to step back and give her space to develop and be independent.

Counselling - for you to talk about your parenting in a safe space with a professional. You mentioned private school, so assuming you can afford a course of private counselling. Counselling for your DD would also be helpful. The right fit of therapist is important, a good one is well worth the cost. I really think that's what you need.

There is so much in your post to untangle and I don't want to project. I'm an autistic mother to an autistic daughter, so I see it from both sides. I understand the feeling of having to work so much harder than other parents. I also remember the trauma laden school experience of being an undiagnosed autistic teenager - I think it's safe to say your daughter is in so much pain right now.

There are lots of great books about autistic girls/ women, to help you understand your daughter's experience.

I also like the general parenting book Good Inside, it has some great advice on how to talk to your child and how to remediate past failures in parenting (we all have parenting failures).

I used to be on that stately homes thread, but I still feel your confusion as I have a teen with autism and I can see the parts of him that are still hidden from himself. He is a smart boy but he cannot receive guidance or instruction or advise, as that seems to trigger a debilitating sense of shame in him. Other people can accept a bit of guidance without it debilitating them. So it's a tough one. I think it's himself he is hating really. He sent me a text a while ago telling me I'm a bitch and I thumbed it and said, but not a doormat, thank you. I think respect will be key to rebuilding a relationship in the future. He wants to completely dominate me, and if I capitulated to his narratives that I'm a bitch and tried to fawn to him, I think it would make things worse in the long run. I have a social worker telling me to keep the channels of communication open et cetera. I have done that but I tried to encourage a bit of critical thinking, i said, ok but WHY am I a bitch?'' I got nothing coherent back. Just more insults. You're a - c u n t. ''Ok but why am I a cunt?''.

It is possible for your kids to hate you because they hate themselves. I had good reason to be on that stately homes thread but until 49 I never challenged my mother, wouldn't have dared. My mother now believes that my son's hating on me is pay back for my not colluding with her distorted narratives that she's perfect and I'm a villain! Aye aye aye, exhausted from family members to tell the truth!

My son has demand avoidance too and as a pp said (the poster who linked to the article about DA) that's exactly it, he/she cannot face the limitations that their own self is going to place on them going forward.

Before my son's anger took over, when his older sister was having maths grinds, we went for a walk and while we were walking he expressed that his sister was lucky. I said why, and he responded to say that she can do this and I knew what he meant but I waited, and he said do school, do exams. That was the last time he ever admitted that he had that awareness of his limitations. Since that it's been pure anger.

I have to hope that at some point his anger will dissipate. He is lucky in some other ways. He is handsome, strong, healthy, smart, he has several relatives behind him hoping that we get him sorted somehow. Safe, content, self-sufficient (eventually),. If he'd been born in to a family with fewer resources, more dependants, less understanding of autism, he might be headed for prison. He'll never, ever thanks any of us I know!

Thank you all so much, really helpful reading. I am going out this afternoon but will re-read later. Thank you again for the support and understanding.

F

@FredintheShed DD would totally move into the Dumping Ground tomorrow if it existed.

She is also prone to announcing other mums are nicer than me.

Good thing I love her, I guess?!

Is he good with his hands electrician, plumber, builder, carpenter etc etc etc. When you look at the prison population most of them have some form of learning difficulty. You have to take him down a different route look at vocational courses where he can get a job after.

Is it OK to say that sometimes at this age its just brattiness rather than necessarily angst or one of the 2020s list of conditions? I feel for parents in this position, you just can't win. Narcissistic people can also be teenagers and whilst they are not as accountable as adults, it's still horrible to be around. The risk is not being able to prevent teenage brats becoming adult Narcissistic assholes in case their delicate feelings are hurt.

@Valerianandfoxglovesoup children are naturally self centred their brains are not mature and don’t fully develop until mid to late 20’s. Lots of people have narc traits for various reasons, sometimes self protection or anxiety, trauma etc but full narcissists are rarer. You can’t know a child will be narcissistic at this age because they are obviously not mature. Some kids have delayed emotional maturity due to other factors like a learning disability or neuro diversity. I don’t care how many people tell me they had kids by age 21 and fully grown up, guess what I did too but I was not fully mature at the time and that hit me hard in my late 20’s. I’m going to give kids a bit of a pass for not being able to see things the same way a 45 year old woman can

At @ArseInTheCoOpWindow and @FredintheShed please may I rephrase and contextualise? I’m also autistic and will get very frightened even at a vaguely snappish or raised tone of voice and I won’t even shout yes from the other side of the house if I’ve heard “dinner’s ready” etc. So perhaps my conclusion about the DD’s response was too generalising. I was also coming out of a situation in which my mother was shouting at me and repeatedly told ME to stop shouting (I was not, and my dad was backing me up for once) before I rescued the very scared little cat and escaped. Both my dad and I were speaking in a normal tone and she was raising her voice unnecessarily, so that may have coloured it. However, to defend my POV also I would say aggressive people and probably NDV teenagers also can use “don’t shout” as a way not to avoid what they don’t want to hear. You both made points which I respect and any of us might be right.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau yes I appreciate some people may find a raised voice scary and it can really unbalance you. I think context is important. That is not the case for my DD she is always shouting and is very loud and exuberant and can handle me yelling ‘dinner’ just fine. She does accuse me of shouting when I haven’t because she doesn’t like what I am saying or she has interpreted that I am annoyed and being annoyed = shouting. She is learning you can be annoyed but speak calmly and kindly but ultimately it can be a way to shut someone down, it can be a deflection. Sounds like your parent maybe was using it as somewhat of a toxic weapon. It can make you feel like you are going mad and get defensive. I hope you are ok

@FredintheShed the best weapons of toxic people are those that can be turned both ways, aren’t they?

Keep in your mind she has a social and communication disability

this , I’ve had many travails with my eldest

and they have caused me much angst and have thrown many accusations

actually now it’s a tiny bit better and they appreciate me
but I’ve had some terrible accusations thrown as it’s basically because life gets very very hard for them , and who do their blame ?
their safe person x

I’ve taken so much shit from both since their father left I’m like Teflon now

She needs to realise that these days A levels are pretty pointless unless you have a very specific career in mind which definitely requires them (and a relevant degree)

if I knew at that age what I know now, I wouldn’t have wasted my time on either of those things, and wouldn’t recommend anyone else does either.

But it sounds like she won’t listen to reason or do the research for herself so she’s gonna have to learn the hard way. And by the sound of her attitude it will be VERY hard.

I’d let her know you’re leaving her to it now.