Am I the starter wife? AIBU

[sah89]

Hi, I've just been feeling like something is off and need outside opinion, I don't feel I can talk to my family/dh about this..
DH and I early/mid-thirties, both similar education level and jobs, similar cultural background, I'm child of immigrants and he moved here himself 6 years ago for job. DH's very driven career-wise, I've had an 'easier' path in that respect with the education my parents have paid for... but like him I've got funded scholarships etc. I have a secure job, he's on a rolling contract looking for permanency. His visa is linked to his job.
When we first started dating he talked a lot about his aspirations to work abroad (Europe, America) as he deems it more prestigious. At the time I thought ok this guy isn't going to stick around, sort of rolled with the relationship.. then covid, then he got his contract extended here after applying also abroad and not getting anything. In the meantime I carry on working from home and finishing my thesis. Then he proposes, I'm a bit surprised but say yes, the ring is nice, not like a 'shut up ring'. We marry in the next year, the date's decided by availability of venue etc but it sort of works out with his work visa renewal and if something goes wrong he can get a spousal visa. So it's not like he was pushing to get married so he can get spouse visa. He ends up staying on the work visa. With his work contract renewed he applies for permanent positions in the UK and none abroad. He's now applying for indefinite leave to remain.

We're renting, separate bank accounts (rental agency wouldn't let us change post signing contract but I guess if he wanted to....), no real joint assets in the 3 years we've been married.... his rolling (conditional on outside funding) contract means we've been hesitant to buy a house because if we have to move to a different city in a year, it would be a nightmare.

Before marriage we had the kids convo - yes, in a bit. I didn't want to push at that time because of his job stress. About 2 years ago we had a psychotic neighbour and discussed moving, and I motivated by the fact I don't want a baby in such an environment. A couple of months later we moved to a nicer area. Then we had another baby convo about timelines, he said 'when he gets citizenship' he'd feel more stable (??) I was surprised because I'd be mid-thirties by then and even like now I'd honestly rather sooner than later... I said it can take a while to conceive still, in his circle (colleagues/parents) late thirties is ok so it must generally be ok (I think this is a bit of a skewed view). I'm not on the pill, he is verrryyy careful around my supposed ovulation time with condoms. He said how about start trying in six months? I agree. Six months pass, he's still buying condoms, a few weeks later I ask if his timeline's changed.. he said he's been busy with work and slid off the topic.
He's been applying in the UK again and another potential dream job in Europe. He asked if I'd move to Europe with him if he gets it and I said I'd not like to move because I'd lose my job and it's a different language with likelihood of getting a similar job very low. Currently we earn the same, he wouldn't want me to be SAHM. I personally would prefer if I could give birth in the UK.

Given all this, I feel a bit.... sus. Just a tad, it's like I'm a bit of a stepping stone for him? he treats me well, better than any of my exes (maybe the bar is low)... but no tangible commitments/assets, it'd be a quick exit. backtracking on the baby, this weird obsession with a particular Europe location (which I suspect is to do with his ex girlfriend who lives in a completely different place now.. but my maybe-paranoid feeling is that he's trying to prove something.. just some of the things he said).
My question to you - do I sound deluded in my relationship with what I described above? or maybe I've such low self confidence that I don't think anyone would pick me just for me. I can hardly have an open conversation about this with him, it;s not like anyone would admit yeah I'm just with you for the quicker passport and then I'm off, see ya! come along if you want, no worries if not. and if I come out with such an accusation I sound a bit mad.
Stalling on commitments isn't due to me somehow changing behaviour after we got married.

How do I protect myself? I'm saving as much as I can now, I've got money for emergencies/more rent/deposit... anything else?
go get my ovaries checked to see how much time I've got there?

What has he said exactly about the ex-girlfriend that raises your suspicions?

You need to have a serious sit down talk with him about children and TTC. Don't let him slide off the topic again; if having children is important to you (a deal breaker?) and he's always known this then you need to have the conversation now. See how compatible you are, if he's more interested in Europe and that wouldn't work with your priorities then that will tell you what you need to know.

re: ex gf, they were together through undergrad, he tried to apply for postgrad to uni X in Europe, got rejected, got into uni Y nearby in the same country but less prestigious in the field. She gets into uni X, (then my guess is that they do mid-long distance and break up or she gets another guy because she's got photos with someone else quite soon after DH said they broke up). his comments about her is that her achievements are only due to her supervisor, now she's not got any 'good' results even though she moved to America. Basically I think hurt ego

edit: he actually said 'now she's like nobody' which I thought was a bit harsh. by that logic I'm less than nobody (objectively she's more 'successful' than me, but I've got a job until I retire lmao).

wrt to him potentially moving to Europe he's said before he's had any concrete offer, there's nothing to decide... but a hypothetical offer does decide he wants to delay TTC

I think you sound very astute.

Your gut is trying to warn you that things are not quite right.

You don't sound particularly in love with each other, more like you drifted into this marriage.

This makes you both susceptible to others.

He may indeed be holding a candle for an ex, but you sound as if this relationship is more a best offer at the time kind of marriage.

You need to figure out what you want and is it him, for him, or him for children?

I don't know what the answer is on your husband, but you seem unhappy and insecure. If your husband was on the same page, would you be really content with him.

Have you settled for him, is what I am asking?

Hi, sorry if I sounded a bit blunt, I just tried to describe the situation as short as possible… I do love him very much, I’ve just been feeling brushed away and uncertain. If I described our relationship in full, it would have been a very long read. I’ve sacrificed quite a bit for the relationship so that we have an easier time.
if this situation happened to me 5-10 years ago I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. I just don’t want to end up completely blindsided because I didn’t see the red flags

It does all sounds a bit 'comfortable' in that you are with him also because he was there. Do you want children with him?

If 89 in your name is anything to go by we are the same age. Kids happen for plenty going towards 40, but also don't. It took me 4 years to have my 1st and I assumed I was healthy/ fit(ish) well

I think there's a mumsnet phrase called future faking, and that is what he is doing with you. He's dangling a baby shaped carrot over your head and you are sleepwalking into a future that you do not really want.

Do you want children? If yes then he is not the right man. It's that simple.

you should be able to talk to him comfortably about all these, i would for the last time.
i think your gut is right.
i wouldnt waste anymore time with him.

Sorry just seen your update.

I think a very serious conversation is needed. Tonight

There will absolutely never be a perfect time, ever. DH was just starting a new business when we started TTC.

agree.

There were also other people ‘who were there’, I also gave up a dream job for him

You didn’t do anything wrong but the marriage lacks passionate commitment. A sense of “you and no other.” A sense that both of you would sacrifice something to make the relationship flourish. I don’t think sacrifice is good per se, but it does tell you who makes the relationship a priority and who treats it as optional. I don’t think you should sacrifice security or a baby for a man who won’t prioritize those things with you.

You don't sound particularly in love with each other, more like you drifted into this marriage.

Yes, that was my impression too.

The way you linked the proposal to impressiveness of the ring, as though that were the key element of the engagement rather than it being the joy that you've agreed to make vows and share you life together, indicates to me that the relationship is more transactional than based on deep love.

I do want children with him, him specifically. If I just wanted children I would have stayed with my ex who wanted plenty just for the validation but the relationship was awful

I don't have a good feeling about this OP. He doesn't sounds to be on the same page with you, it doesn't sound like you are working as a team towards the same goal, that you want same things with same timeline. He hasn't yet established himself and that is his priority, yours is to be settled and have children. I would walk away from this now.

This is what I see

1- a guy that is a mysoginist and can’t cope with a woman doing better than him. Also expects his wife/partner to simply follow him (but please you need to carry on working and earning still because dint want to bankroll you either!)

2- the U.K. has never been his thing and he always wanted to move on from there. I think one mistake you did (and I did too - not British either) is to not discuss what your aims were re staying in the U.K. or moving when you decided to get married. Your sort of assumed your life was settled here when he is still chasing ‘the prefect opportunity’/a dream.

3- I’m wondering how well he is coping with you being in a ‘better position’ than you. You have your contract, you are earning well. Exactly the sort of position he was in with his ex. See point 1 too..

4- he is unsettled and thinks that getting a job in X place will solve all his problem. He is lacking the maturity to see that outside stuff isn’t going to solve the issue. But that also means he isn’t ready to ‘settle’ as in settle in one location, buying a house, building something. That’s not his aim in life iyswim (or he is making these aims dependent on getting job at X place. The ‘once I’ve got X and Y, then I’ll have the house/children etc…’

If he said he doesn't want children would that be a deal breaker? If yes you have to have the conversation. If you didn't have children would that make you resent him forever? You need to get clarity so you can decide what to do. Don't let him keep kicking the can down the road.

If he wants to go to Europe, but you won't be able to get a job, in some ways that seems like a good time to start a family, you could be a SAHM for a few years while your children are little, maybe a part time job on the side.

Unfortunately any marriage which involves a step forward for one party can be seen as suspicious. As can any marriage where one party gets suddenly richer, or with better status or more popular etc. It is human nature, I guess. But that doesn’t mean every marriage with Visa is dodgy. He sounds insecure and unstable, casting his net wide. That, in turn is making you feel unstable. Only you know how is he with you. Is he distracted, avoids looking in your eyes, spends little time with you or lots on the pc? Does he keep parts of his life private from you? Are you close to his family? All of these things together will form a picture.

Either way, you need to plan for all eventualities.If babies are very much on your mind, consider your options carefully.

Btw the fact you’ve already given up on a lot says a lot on your relationship.

Has he ever acknowledged the fact you’ve given up so much, incl an amazing opportunity?
Do you see that he is simply expecting the same again with your moving if he (ever) gets the dream opportunity? So you’re supposed to move and given up your own dreams for him?

This is not how marriage should work. It should be a team work. You deciding TOGETHER where you’d like to live. What you’d like to aim for in life (eg importance of a house etc….). It shouldn’t be imposed on you ‘well I’m looking at a job at x place and you’re going to move with me aren’t you?

I think you need a discussion with him around all of that so you are sure your goals are actually the same.

Another question for you.

You’ve given up an amazing opportunity fur him. Would he be ready to do the same for you!

I don’t think he sees you as starter wife or holds a candle for anyone else

However I think he has a whole heap of priorities in his head and you are low down on that list and baby is nowhere

I expect he reckons he’s ticked the “wife” box and now he can focus on his other aims

Sorry

This is not how marriage should work. It should be a team work. You deciding TOGETHER where you’d like to live. What you’d like to aim for in life (eg importance of a house etc….). It shouldn’t be imposed on you ‘well I’m looking at a job at x place and you’re going to move with me aren’t you?

This ^

You're not a team. He's still just pursuing what he wants - you're an add-on and potentially an inconvenient one, since you don't want to move to Europe and he does. He's not committed to the UK and therefore he's not committed to you and your marriage. I think he's hedging his bets and that's perhaps why he doesn't want the tie of a DC with you just now. If you follow him to his chosen destination in Europe then yeah, maybe you'll get the baby you want, but right now having a baby with you (who wants to stay in the UK) risks tying him to the UK and he clearly doesn't want that.

Ltb. Move on you want kids he doesn't and has strung you along

Then he proposes, I'm a bit surprised but say yes, the ring is nice, not like a 'shut up ring'. We marry in the next year, the date's decided by availability of venue etc but it sort of works out with his work visa renewal and if something goes wrong he can get a spousal visa.

I'm also really suspicious about this. It's all very convenient isn't it? He springs a proposal on you that you weren't expecting and surprise, surprise! Marrying you just happens to offer him a spouse visa at the point that his work visa was going to potentially run out ....