Am I the starter wife? AIBU

[sah89]

Hi, I've just been feeling like something is off and need outside opinion, I don't feel I can talk to my family/dh about this..
DH and I early/mid-thirties, both similar education level and jobs, similar cultural background, I'm child of immigrants and he moved here himself 6 years ago for job. DH's very driven career-wise, I've had an 'easier' path in that respect with the education my parents have paid for... but like him I've got funded scholarships etc. I have a secure job, he's on a rolling contract looking for permanency. His visa is linked to his job.
When we first started dating he talked a lot about his aspirations to work abroad (Europe, America) as he deems it more prestigious. At the time I thought ok this guy isn't going to stick around, sort of rolled with the relationship.. then covid, then he got his contract extended here after applying also abroad and not getting anything. In the meantime I carry on working from home and finishing my thesis. Then he proposes, I'm a bit surprised but say yes, the ring is nice, not like a 'shut up ring'. We marry in the next year, the date's decided by availability of venue etc but it sort of works out with his work visa renewal and if something goes wrong he can get a spousal visa. So it's not like he was pushing to get married so he can get spouse visa. He ends up staying on the work visa. With his work contract renewed he applies for permanent positions in the UK and none abroad. He's now applying for indefinite leave to remain.

We're renting, separate bank accounts (rental agency wouldn't let us change post signing contract but I guess if he wanted to....), no real joint assets in the 3 years we've been married.... his rolling (conditional on outside funding) contract means we've been hesitant to buy a house because if we have to move to a different city in a year, it would be a nightmare.

Before marriage we had the kids convo - yes, in a bit. I didn't want to push at that time because of his job stress. About 2 years ago we had a psychotic neighbour and discussed moving, and I motivated by the fact I don't want a baby in such an environment. A couple of months later we moved to a nicer area. Then we had another baby convo about timelines, he said 'when he gets citizenship' he'd feel more stable (??) I was surprised because I'd be mid-thirties by then and even like now I'd honestly rather sooner than later... I said it can take a while to conceive still, in his circle (colleagues/parents) late thirties is ok so it must generally be ok (I think this is a bit of a skewed view). I'm not on the pill, he is verrryyy careful around my supposed ovulation time with condoms. He said how about start trying in six months? I agree. Six months pass, he's still buying condoms, a few weeks later I ask if his timeline's changed.. he said he's been busy with work and slid off the topic.
He's been applying in the UK again and another potential dream job in Europe. He asked if I'd move to Europe with him if he gets it and I said I'd not like to move because I'd lose my job and it's a different language with likelihood of getting a similar job very low. Currently we earn the same, he wouldn't want me to be SAHM. I personally would prefer if I could give birth in the UK.

Given all this, I feel a bit.... sus. Just a tad, it's like I'm a bit of a stepping stone for him? he treats me well, better than any of my exes (maybe the bar is low)... but no tangible commitments/assets, it'd be a quick exit. backtracking on the baby, this weird obsession with a particular Europe location (which I suspect is to do with his ex girlfriend who lives in a completely different place now.. but my maybe-paranoid feeling is that he's trying to prove something.. just some of the things he said).
My question to you - do I sound deluded in my relationship with what I described above? or maybe I've such low self confidence that I don't think anyone would pick me just for me. I can hardly have an open conversation about this with him, it;s not like anyone would admit yeah I'm just with you for the quicker passport and then I'm off, see ya! come along if you want, no worries if not. and if I come out with such an accusation I sound a bit mad.
Stalling on commitments isn't due to me somehow changing behaviour after we got married.

How do I protect myself? I'm saving as much as I can now, I've got money for emergencies/more rent/deposit... anything else?
go get my ovaries checked to see how much time I've got there?

This all sounds so calculated.
This is not how I would talk about my marriage ever.
I think you should keep saving op. Get your ducks in a row.
Sorry.

I know of a Thai Girl who is planning on doing the leaving her husband thing after 8 years of marriage, after she gets her British Passport she will leave him, she's a friend of my wife much to my wife's dismay, and is already dating someone else. It certainly does happen, when no love exists in the relationship and more importantly someone has a very poor character. You never know the deceit until it happens. Your relationship sounds very centered on each others career, time will see to it that all that crap will soon be gone, it's about happiness of being around family and others as well some material comfort. From a mans point of view if you are not the centre of his world like my wife and daughter are of mine. Then jump and look elsewhere because it's gone in a flash, I'm 38 and I wish I'd have achieved what I have now at 25. A man will only be remembered by his actions we are not that important in grand scheme of things only as guardian. Get strong and ditch him otherwise you will end up with only money as your friend, the team effort is very important in all relationships. If your man wants you, you KNOW he wants you .

I know of a Thai Girl who is planning on doing the leaving her husband thing after 8 years of marriage, after she gets her British Passport she will leave him, she's a friend of my wife much to my wife's dismay, and is already dating someone else. It certainly does happen, when no love exists in the relationship and more importantly someone has a very poor character. You never know the deceit until it happens. Your relationship sounds very centered on each others career, time will see to it that all that crap will soon be gone, it's about happiness of being around family and others as well some material comfort. From a mans point of view if you are not the centre of his world like my wife and daughter are of mine. Then jump and look elsewhere because it's gone in a flash, I'm 38 and I wish I'd have achieved what I have now at 25. A man will only be remembered by his actions we are not that important in grand scheme of things only as guardian. Get strong and ditch him otherwise you will end up with only money as your friend, the team effort is very important in all relationships. If your man wants you, you KNOW he wants you .

I knew you were academics. Us too, though DH eventually got frustrated and moved to a completely different type of job, we commuted internationally for years between ‘home’ and my job, and we both wanted to prioritise work over having a child. Neither of us wanted to make sacrifices. There’s no doubt it’s a difficult area if you want a stable life, geographically.

The thing I would say to you is to say stop making sacrifices. You’ve contributed to a joint narrative where his job apparently matters more than yours, because the relationship clearly means more to you than to him. Stop. What would happen if you said, ‘Ok, I have tenure at Institution X. His is where I’m staying. Are you in or out?’

My guess is he’d say ‘Out’, and that you know that, which is why you keep making sacrifices for him, because you know he won’t do the reverse, and you’re in full-on sunk cost fallacy mode.

Walk away from him you deserve better he's using you ,don't wanna be negative or hurt your feelings but am a truth seeker an he's out to get what he can then he'll just disguard you like your nothing I've had plenty of toxic relationships an trust me when a man loves you he'd do anything to please you

Another migrant here trying to add a mitigating perspective.

As someone who has lived in multiple countries, the idea of settling in a country and closing off forever the possibility of living anywhere else makes me feel slightly panicky (and I'm in my 50's!). If someone had asked me to commit to that in my 30s I would have been horrified (in fact we moved abroad in my 30s and I had my dc abroad in my late 30s).

Add to that the precariousness of the academic pathway, and I can totally understand why the idea of committing to never accepting a job abroad feels like closing the door on a whole world of possibilities. All because you're broody...

I'm not reading anything that says he doesn't love you or want children, I'm more reading you as coming across as very insecure your attachment (surprised he proposed, not a 'shut up ring' (what even is a shut up ring?). You've only been married for 3 years, I can see why he doesn't think having children is urgent. (but then I only started even considering having dc with dh after 10 years, and only actually had them after 15, and yes, I loved him and still do, we've been together for over 30 years, it just takes a while to get to a point where you feel it won't all go wrong if you throw children into the mix!)

I think you need to decide whether you would like to have kids. If so, get stuck into it.
You are both living in lala land in thinking you have years ahead to decide that. He is ignorant on your body clock.

Once you have had children in the UK your spouse and you can still move overseas for work and it could be wonderfully adventurous should you both want that experience.

You sound very passive in your relationship OP. You say you were 'surprised' by the proposal - were you not delighted? It just reads as though everything has been decided by him and you're just going along with it. Be honest with yourself - would you be devastated to lose him? I don't mean devastated to have to 'start over', I mean actually devastated to lose him? It doesn't sound that way to me, and imo that's a poor marriage/relationship.

You need to decide what you want and then talk to him. I feel as if you have been going along with his desires and ambitions and bumping along, trying to marry them to yours, whereas he is just following his path, regardless of what you want. If you want children, now is the time. Don’t put it off because when you are older, it can take time to get pregnant, you have the risk of pregnancy loss and higher levels of SEN in children with older mothers and indeed not being able to have children at all.

Why is he applying for jobs abroad if he is also applying for indefinite leave to remain here? If he gets a job abroad what will happen to his application here?

I think you are right to be concerned…

Always trust your gut, if you suspect anything - his ex and wanting to go to Europe because of her, him stalling the baby, him always wanting to move, you feel all what you feel because there's a reason you're not psychotic, have a conversation with him, and decide what you want to do next.

I am a bit confused to be honest. He has a work visa - he doesn't need to be married to you to stay. What I do find interesting is why if he is committed to your relationship why he has not applied for a visa linked to your relationship rather than an indefinite leave to remain. I applied for an indefinite leave to remain when I had a new boyfriend. My sister had a choice of this or to apply for a spousal visa as she lived with a long term boyfriend. She choose the spousal visa as it was easier and (at the time) quicker route to citizenship but they broke up after 3.5 years and she had to apply for a different sort of visa. I gained citizenship when I received my indefinite leave to remain so he will presumably get this too if his application is successful. I have had an English husband for over 20 years I have not gotten around to applying for my British passport...
Really all this visa stuff is a red herring - does he want to be with you for the rest of his life or not?

The funny thing about life is you will do all this planning and worrying about what if this, that or the other and life will pass you by... Stop trying to control everything and live here, now, in the moment. Enjoy each other if you love him.

And, if you don't then, you know what to do...

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your experience is hitting a nerve with others because not an uncommon dynamic, unfortunately.

I'm almost a decade older than you, 2 kids and past my baby making stage (emotionally if not physically), and I've only since having kids realised how my partner and I are very misaligned in our relationship values and communication style/needs, so I feel I have some perspective to offer.

1. First, I'd say if something feels wrong, it is, even if you can't quite put your finger on it. Don't ignore your instincts, especially while you have the time/freedom to make other choices for yourself without having to factor in your kid. It gets so much complicated when you have to prioritise them but at the same time try to make yourself happy, too; sometimes those two things are at odds.
2. You sound like you don't want to rock the boat with him. I felt like this for a long time, but then I realised it amounted to my needs not being met, which made me resentful and depressed and enabled him to keep himself always at the centre of what should have been joint decision making. He didn't respect me, and I wasn't respecting myself by not speaking up for myself. I no longer care if I get a negative reaction from him. I tell him what I think (in a respectful way), and it has made things more complicated but MUCH better for my mental health and for the relationship in general really. I say get your thoughts in order and lay it all on the table. If nothing else, then as a test to see how he reacts. If he rejects or ignores or trivialises your concerns and doesn't honestly reflect on them and agree to compromise, he isn't partner material...
3. ...and in my opinion, he isn't father material, either. What if you have a daughter - would you want her to have the same dynamic with her husband? What if she did - how would you advise her? I think about this all the time with my two, and I tell them sometimes to check in with themselves to make sure no man (or anyone really) has taken control of them without them realising it. It happens so easily and sucks up so much of what little time we have.
4. And last but not least, your kid will be affected by whatever environment they are born into. They will be better off in every way if they are raised by parents who both prioritise family; who are on the same page re values (whatever they are); who feel safe and free to share their thoughts, fears, desires with each other; who can compromise and make big decisions together; who act in partnership. I don't get the sense that this describes your current relationship. Getting married should be a serious discussion between two people with serious intentions of being in a loving partnership with mutual respect for each other. If you were surprised by the proposal, that implies to me that you have an unbalanced relationship which doesn't bode well for your co-parenting future, trust me. If you're misaligned or unable to communicate well, you'll find yourself tearing your hair out because you're both grappling for control of how to raise your kids, from small things like when to let them use the ipad to bigger things like which secondary school they should go to. The kids will suffer. It's hard to project that far before you have kids, and experienced parents will be worried about overwhelming you with too much detail...but the babies are relatively easy; it gets harder and harder the more they grow, and there is a world of anxiety waiting for you on the other side of parenthood. You don't want to enter the fray without a solid partner (unless you're choosing to become a single parent from the get-go, that's different...)

The older you get, the more perspective you will have about power dynamics in relationships and what you do/don't have to put up with. Becoming a mother has an amazing way of forcing you/enabling you to take more control of your own life, too, but you don't have to wait for that to happen. Change your thinking from "how can I protect myself" (that implies you are waiting for him to decide your fate) to "what do I want now and how do I make that happen for myself, regardless of his decisions". Be ACTIVE in your own life, not passive. Don't just wait for him to become the person you wish you were with - he won't, and you will lose precious time and energy.

I hope some of that was helpful, and didn't sound condescending at all! Just want you to benefit from whatever wisdom I have managed to glean from my own experience. Take good care.

I get the if you switch visas you lose the time - that's what happened to my sister. But if he gets a ILR - he won't need to switch to a spousal visa surely because ILR is indefinate?

Hes shady af. It's quite a long post and not once have you mentioned any love?

Just to state the correct term is a baby
WITH Down Syndrome, not 'Downs Syndrome babies'.
My daughter is a lot more than just her diagnosis... a HUGE amount more. Sorry, its a bugbear of mine ' cause my baby girl is amazing and I'd like a dozen more just like her Tbt! 😊❤️ @Thesunsstillupthere xx

I would freeze my eggs if I was you, regardless. I was panicking about fickle relationships at your age and the reality is that even if you leave him, in terms of having children you would still be in a difficult position. You would need to date with that additional pressure of wanting kids relatively quickly. I would freeze eggs, and pm better still freeze a few embryos with a donor. Thar will give you a peace of mind which is your best ally. Then reassess the whole situation, knowing that your potential future as a mother is stored in a freezer. It sounds blunt but at 44 i wish I had done this. I did find the right guy at 36 but even so I realized that I wanted a large family and if I had frozen my eggs u could have had one more baby. Good luck